Monday, 8 December 2008

points that came up during movie

What came up during the movie I went to see yesterday



So – what came up within seeing ‘Twilight’. First of all my fascinating for this guy – his eyes – that specific look I always fall for.

What did I find so fascinating about him?

He was beautiful. He seemed mature, ‘deep’ – the perception that there is something ‘more’ within this guy. And this ‘more’ would state that there is a ‘less’ within me – that I am unfulfilled – that I am incomplete and that I need to fill up this ‘less’ and fulfill myself.



Excitement – I look for excitement. During the movie I got sucked into this energy of excitement – like an energy that builds up to then come to its climax like an orgasm.



Whenever I meet a guy like that I get totally fascinated and then my sole purpose – goal becomes ‘getting him’. It’s like an exciting chase – my search for acceptance within another. And I will not care how much I compromise myself – supress myself – abuse myself – as long as I get this guy I believe it to be all worth it.
The belief that acceptance lies within another. That self acceptance can only be here if I get accepted by someone else first. And being accepted by this being becomes my focus – not realising that I am separating myself from self-acceptance HERE. Literally chasing a ghost – a projection outside of myself.



Getting someone to love me – accept me – being the ultimate goal in my life. This energy – excitement of getting that is similar to that of the energy of sex – of getting an orgasm.

Getting my goal fulfilled – to get my goal achieved is my orgasm.



Seeing sex as the ultimate act of acceptance – THE achievement – the final goal. So the path of excitement – the desire – chase – manipulation is only there to get to this final point. To experience myself as complete – which I defined to be the act of sex – experiencing an orgasm - as being the act of total acceptance. And believe that to be something I have to achieve (while it is really an empty and shallow experience – and then there’s the dissapointment afterwards – because I still feel incomplete – unfulfilled. Because I haven’t accepted myself and until I see and realise that all of me is HERE and I accept myself as all of me that is here – I will experience myself as being incomplete and unfulfilled – looking for something more. But this can never be achieved by looking and getting something outside – separate from myself. Cause by looking for something ‘more’ I am stating that I am ‘less’ and thus I will get ‘less’ – one and equal. Trapped forever – enslaved forever within desire – polarity – separation and unfulfillment.



Wanting – desiring to be complete – to be fulfilled. Big time separation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the act of sex as being the act of ultimate acceptance



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance lies within the act of sex



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined an orgasm as the experience of being complete – as being fulfilled



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define completeness and fullfilment as having sex and experiencing an orgasm



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let ‘experiencing completeness, fullfillment and acceptance’ be the ultimate goal in my life that I have to achieve – which I separated myself from – and projected unto the act of sex and experiencing an orgasm



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let ‘having an orgasm wherein I experience fulfillment, completeness and total self acceptance’ become my ultimate goal in my life – as THE thing I have to achieve to be content with myself – to finally be complete



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken for granted the extent to which I separated me from myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as incomplete



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be incomplete – to experience myself as being incomplete



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as being unfulfilled – to believe myself being unfulfilled – and to experience myself as being unfulfilled



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as ‘missing’ something – stating that there is a ‘less’ within me and that I need to get a ‘more’ to complete myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have started a search – a quest – to get that ‘something more’ which I perceive myself to need to be fulfilled – looking, searching and seeking for something outside of myself to complete myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this ‘more’ I am searching for – lies within guys – within relationships and the act of sex



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated me from myself – and within that experience myself as missing something



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I can never be complete, fulfilled and accept myself by looking for something outside of myself. There is nothing outside of myself that can complete, fullfill me or accept me. Only I can complete, fullfill and accept me – within seeing and realising that all of me is already HERE as ME and thus I do not require to look for it somewhere outside of myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘finding someone to totally accept me – love me’ as being the ultimate goal in my life that I have to achieve



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘the act of sex – as the act of total acceptance’ as being the ultimate goal in my life that I have to achieve



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined sex as the key to experience acceptance, completeness and fullfillment



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made something out of sex which it is not



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that sex is simply an expression – nothing more – nothing less



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/belief/opinion/image/perception that the key to experiencing acceptance, completeness and fullfillment lies within sex – within experiencing an orgasm



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise msyelf within achieving this ultimate goal that I have set for myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within achieving this ultimate goal that I have set for myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within achieving this ultimate goal that I have set for myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care to which extent I have to compromise, suppress, abuse myself – as long as I can achieve my goal



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw myself as life into a trashcan so I can chase some illusion



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate msyelf completely to the mind – to my quest – search – goal of achievement



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is nothing for me to achieve – as all is here already.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy this search – this quest and defined it as being exciting – while it’s all just one big energy fuck leading to – exactly NOWHERE



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up this energy and then follow it in the hope and belief that it will lead me to something MORE than who I am here



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be more than who I am here



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up this energy and follow it even though I know it leads to nowhere – yet I follow my curiosity and hope that maybe MAYBE THIS TIME I will get what I want



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to STOP when I notice myself following this energy



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to this energy



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need this energy



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need this energy like I need water to keep myself alive



Funny – the movie was about vampires – but who’s being the real vampire here lol “III nEEEEEED ENEERGYYYYYYY *sucks energy up yummmm better than blood mmm*



I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that all of me is HERE.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossibe/inprobable that everything of me is already here as me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see that all of me is already here as me – because I have defined it as being impossible and unreal



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossible that all of me is already HERE as me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossible and unreal for me to accept me to live in self acceptance



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossible and unreal for me to love me and live in self love



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as unreal and impossible for me to be complete and fulfilled without needing anything or anyone outside of myself to ‘make me so’



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and deny myself within these definitions



I let go of all definitions



I accept myself here



I appreciate myself



I love myself



I am here



I am stable



I do not accept and allow myself to distract myself with haunting projections and following energies that lead to nowhere



I do not accept and allow myself to separate me from myself any longer



I see that all of me is HERE – and that looking for me somewhere out there is simply separation and not real.



I accept that all of me is HERE as me



I breathe



I express



I am here
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