Thursday, 27 January 2011

My Agreement - Making a Decision

I've been in an Agreement with Gian for about 2 years and 9 months now.

Here I share some points that I found to be 'fundamental' within walking Process in Agreement...

I remember the day that Bernard spoke to me about entering an Agreement, that I should first ask myself the question whether I am willing to commit myself to a single being for 'eternity'.

This stirred-up a lot of points within me, mostly in relation to ideas I had formed about concepts such as'marriage' and 'freedom' and 'commitment'. Though now I can see how starting with the disentanglement of that particular single point from the beginning - I started establishing the foundation upon which the Agreement that I later on entered was going to be built.

What was clear to me at that point in my process was the following: Process is going to have to be walked by everyone, everyone is a 'reflection' of me, we're all in this mess together - so one has to be able to walk an Agreement with anyone/everyone - as everyone shares all points, and all points have to be taken responsibility for.

So when the point opened up of entering into an Agreement with Gian, the points where I saw that I resisted (which was certain characteristics/personality traits within Gian) - I knew were not 'valid reasons' to 'not go there' - as I understood the point that I have to be able to walk with anyone, so why not Gian?

In the early stages of the Agreement, I had many moments where I wanted to 'give-up' and just say 'no'.
Where I thought I couldn't take it anymore, it was just not working, how am I ever going to get through this?
Then as I want to speak the words or discuss the point - I saw that this would be self-dishonest, self-defeating. Because all I would be doing was giving up on myself, saying 'I can't change' and giving up on my partner saying that 'he can't change'. While if you look at it from a commonsense perspective: even if I do end the Agreement due to the current points I am facing and my experience thereof - I am still going to have to push through & transcend the exact same points - so really, there was no point in 'ending' the Agreement as this would only be an attempt to 'postpone' the 'inevitable' and thus create a timeloop. The points are here - might as well face them as they come.

Then there was many times where I would wander off and play with the idea of entering an Agreement with someone else, trying to convince myself that 'it was just not working with Gian' and 'it will go better/easier with this or that person'. While again - if I had to look at it from a common sense perspective - we are all copies. And the points that I am currently facing where I go into 'escapism' in the form of desiring an Agreement with someone else, I am going to have to face with any other person anyway! Because, like I said, we are all copies, and secondly, I am still going to be stuck with, yes, exactly = me! So my experience is going to be the exact same just with a different person in front of me. So again, another reason to end the Agreement defeated.

The 'Dynamic' of the Agreement was also something that was/is quite challenging. In many ways, Gian and I are opposites - where our strong and weak points are each other's polarities. So, in the beginning = we were not equal. We weren't programmed as 'equal'. For instance, my strong points and skills rest more on the intellectual side - which is Gian's weak point. Whereas Gian's strong point is his enthusiasm, innocence and ability to 'move' things and not being able to hold things in (whatever is bothering him, it'll come out some way or another) - which is my weak point. [Together we're a team! lol]. So as we walk, I assist him with his weak points, get them to a point of effectiveness and he'll do the same for me and so we 'equalize' each other.

Where one can either 'take it personal' that one's being assisted with their weak point - or just accept that that's the way you've been programmed, be real about and allow yourself to change.

That's all for now - I will share more in the days to come.
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