Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
Continuing from my previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom for myself within a limited experience of me buying something without having looked/investigated how freedom is in fact limited by money as the money system we live by -- where this actually exists as the very definition of limitation and a violation to freedom within the context of human rights

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that freedom is just the one side of a polarity construct, where one can only have freedom in conjunction with limitation/restriction -- and thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my momentary experience of 'freedom' with money was only the result of my otherwise more long lasting experience of limitation/restriction in relation to money, but where I failed to see/acknowledge this dimension in relation to money and only focused on the 'good' and 'positive' as the 'freedom' I would experience when buying something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only way I was able to have an experience of 'freedom' in relation to money as 'being able to buy things', was because of an inherent feeling/experience of limitation/restriction that existed due to the absence of money as a medium to get things I wanted, where I got so 'used to' and 'accustomed' to the 'negative side' of money that I had 'normalized' it within myself and thus not questioned the point -- so that when I was presented with a postive side / expeirence in relation to money, I embraced it with open arms and accepted this as the 'new face' that money was going to carry for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up the desire to buy things that I wanted simply as a side-effect of not having been able / having had the means to get myself things, where the more I experience limitation/restriction in relation to money, the stronger the desire/want grew for the positive experience in relation to money as 'freedom' -- where I believed that  'being able to and buying something I want' was the ultimate expression of freedom in relation to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at / upset with my parents for not giving me money / more money -- not seeing and realising that they, just as me, were suffering from money paranoia, where the struggle between freedom and restriction/limitation in relation to money kept them in fear and friction wherein they decided that it was better to be restrictive with giving money to the children so they can possess more freedom within being in control of the money supply within the family -- and thus I cannot be angry at them or blame them as they were just like me 'seeking freedom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the way money exists within this world and the paranoia attached to it, where I merely made the necessary calculations to 'work my way around it ' instead of question money and the paranoia that exists around money and investigating/finding out how one can change the way money exists in this world so we may remove our relationship of paranoia/terror in relation to money -- where money is no more a tool to keep one in constant friction but a tool to facilliate and support the existence of life on earth

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
• Day 198: Negativity as Freedom
• Day 401: Thinking is for Losers
• Day 211: Wonder
• Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind
• Day 163: Staying the course of self honesty
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 235: Calling the Beast by it's Name - Breast Cancer - The Cancer Paranoia - Day 20

Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have questioned the dynamics behind my parents and their relations  to money, and their relationship to money and me combined -- wherein I merely accepted that I will never get any substantial amount of money if I ask it directly or through manipulation -- and instead went and just 'took it' -- not seeing and realising that this does not solve my situation in any way that matters because my parents still have the same relationship to money which is influenced by the world system/money system that is in place -- where me 'taking what I need' to 'get what I want' is me merely being interested in satisfying my wants and desires for a short moment -- as surely stealing money around the clock is not something that is going to 'work' -- and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the situation as 'normal' and merely adapted/mutated myself to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not bothered looking at the 'bigger picture' but only cared for / considered my own self-interest within 'getting what I want'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was 'standing up for myself' when I took the money, where I believed that I was now 'taking control' and 'taking things into my own hands' -- not seeing and realising that what I was doing was not an actual standing as a solution, but me merely seeking a 'quick fix' to get what I want 'NOW' -- very well knowing that I cannot just 'take money' without there being consequence, and thus not really being 'in control' in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined that moment and experience of 'being able to buy something I want' as freedom, where I believed that this feeling/experience of me exchanging money for something is what 'freedom is like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom as walking into a store with money in your pocket and coming out of the store with actual things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom for myself within a limited experience of me buying something without having looked/investigated how freedom is in fact limited by money as the money system we live by -- where this actually exists as the very definition of limitation and a violation to freedom within the context of human rights

Related articles

• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 343 - Getting home from work, the Fly trap.
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 347 - Sorry, I can Not save you.
• Father to be - Day 332 Part 6
• Late for work, NEVER - Day 326

Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!

Last night before going to sleep, I was looking at what I can remember between my years of 0 to 7 – as those are your ‘blue print’ years, and within those 7 years lie the memories you want to primarily work with – because everything that happens after those first seen years is merely the result/outflow of what is placed within one’s first seven years.

I was getting a bit worried because I couldn’t immediately pin-point events/memories related to specific ages, or able to have a general remembrance of what happened within year 0 to 1 and 1 to 2 and 2 to 3 and 3 to 4 and so on – it was all just one big ‘blank space’, with here and there some memories of pictures coming up (like remembering actual photographs that my parents have in their photo albums) that could tell me ‘how I looked like’ – but I could not infer from those memories as pictures what actually ‘happened’ in those years / timelines.

So it’s a bit strange that I know that those 7 years happened, but in my mind as memory, there seems to be no direct ‘evidence’ of this, as if someone hacked into my data drives and wiped my memory lol.

Then after looking at it some more, whether really not ‘anything’ would come up – two memories surfaced and opened up. I wasn’t able to say what age or around what time these memories took place, but I’m pretty sure I was seven or younger.

Both these memories revolved around some type of conflict experience between myself and my parents, where I did something for myself which in their eyes was ‘wrong’ and now I had to be punished/taught a lesson.

What stood out for me in both these memories, was that it wasn’t per se about me getting a ‘Lesson in Morals ’, as much as it was about how Money determined my parents’ perception and thus their experience, which then in turn also obviously had an effect on / determined their relationship with me and my development as a human being.

In the first memory I had taken money from my parents while we were on holiday. We were staying at this type of resort place / park where you have lots of little cottages together and restaurant type buildings and space for kids to play. So it was a very ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ place for kids to wander around by themselves, because it’s a protected environment. They had a little shop there, like a souvenir shop of some kind, which had the most BEAUTIFUL candles I had ever seen, they were simply MAGNIFICENT and I just had to have one, how could I not have one, I mean it was just like ‘woah’. My parents weren’t very interested in the candles and just wanted to get some cheap postcards so send to friends and family to show off how much ‘fun’ we were having at this beautiful holiday place. I knew my parents weren’t going to buy it or let me buy it because they’d always been full of shit when it came down to money and me wanting things, where they would never buy me anything no matter how long I begged (and I could beg, on my knees, in the shop) – unless it had some form of ‘educational’ purpose.

So, knowing that I wasn’t going to get it through the manipulative way of begging and whining, I went for a more direct approach. One day when things were nice and quiet in the cottage, I took money from my parents and walked to the little shop. I didn’t have much information about money at that stage, in terms of ‘what is expensive’ and ‘what is not expensive’ and those things. All I knew is that things have a price tag which has a number on it, and if you have pieces of paper with numbers on it that add up to the number on the price tag = you can get it.

So I took the money (which was back then also in a different currency so I really had no clue if I had taken a lot or not) and ventured to the shop to buy myself a candle. They had these really awesome and nice candles in the shape of horses, but my money numbers didn’t add up to the number on the price tag. So then I looked at other things which were nice for which I did have enough numbers, and ended up picking this beautiful flower candle, where the petals were like flowing like a waterfall from the center of the flower with the candle wick standing up from the center. It was also pretty huge (to me), as I was mostly used to those little ‘ tea lights’. And I mean, the ‘freedom’ I experienced of being able to grab the candle, take it to the counter, give the cashier the money, and walk out with the candle – it was like woah, amazing! And so simplistic at the same time.

My parents found the candle pretty quick. It was a fragile thing so I couldn’t just ‘hide it anywhere’ and being in a small cottage with 5 people, there was not much space to hide it.

Turned out it was ‘outrageously expensive’, and what I had done was a ‘big deal’. Then at some point, I think because my mother could see my father getting enraged, she said that I must have bought it for them as a gift – and that because I don’t have my own money, I had to take it from them and then would ‘give it back’ in the form of the candle. So she gave it like an ‘innocent’ and ‘sweet’ twist/turn to the story and I went with it because it seemed to calm my dad down. My mom really liked the candle as well though, I remember my dad saying that we should go back to the shop to get a refund and where I could see my mom grab on tighter to the candle and come up with some freaking excuse as to why it was better if she just kept it. I’m pretty sure that candle is still in her bedroom to this day, and never used so it could maintain its magnificence lol.

Then in the second memory I wanted to have a nice calendar like the ones you see in stationary shops – but we never bought anything from those type of shops because it was ‘out of our league’. So then I went, okay, what are my options? So I went and designed my own calendar on a then prehistoric version of Microsoft Word, where you could pick your design and then add the images you want for that month. So I looked for the coolest Britney Spears desktop/wallpaper images and compiled myself an awesome Britney calendar which I printed out. Again – my parents found out, and were angry. I was confused, because I didn’t take any money and I didn’t buy a calendar behind their backs – what’s the problem this time?! It was the ink… I used a lot of ink with printing the calendar/images and ink is very expensive and now they are going to have to buy more ink, why do I keep screwing them over like this, etc., etc. So then I pulled the whole ‘but I am so innocent, I did it for someone else, I am just trying to be nice / good girl’ twist, where I told my parents that I had done it for a boy’s birthday present (he did have his birthday soon and he loved Britney). So this again helped to ‘soften the blow’ but I was getting the picture that whatever I do basically costs money and can be problematic. Again I ended up not getting what I wanted as I gave the calendar away to the boy to ‘get with the story’.

At first glance, both these memories seem to be about my relationship dynamic with my parents, where I do things that are ‘wrong’ and need to some ‘sorting out’. But in the end, what it is really about is money. Money determined my parents experience in every moment, and within doing so it determined the very nature/essence of the relationship we had, and consequently would determine who I would become within myself in how I coped with such relationships and information.

So even when we are looking at unraveling the mysteries of ourselves and our ‘psychology’ – the line ‘Follow the Money’ to get answers is just as applicable. Follow the money, investigate the money dimension within your Life and you’ll find out how come you are who you are today.

So within my next blogs I want to use this angle to dig into memories from between 0 and 7 years old, and obviously to also work on the memories I have written out here today.

Related articles

• Day 385: Fetal Development Stages - Consciousness Research - Week 14 (Part One)
• Day 373: The Sanctity of the Mind
• Day 383: Child Development in the Womb Research
• DAY 387: Anarchists, Mothers and Brainwashing
• Day 391: Soul Memories - The Brainwashing of the Soul - Part 1
• Day 352 - Mirage of self, Part 4

Day 205: Does the 24 TV Series Encourage Deranged Family Values?

I re-watched the first Season of the 24 Series not so long ago, and I noticed a fascinating, and also kind of creeping thing. The whole season long, everyone is focusing on Teri and Kim Bauer – Jack’s wife and daughter. They’re basically in trouble ALL THE TIME and constantly on the brink of being murdered. The ‘good guys’ at CTU, lie, break the rules – do whatever – so that Jack can have his wife and daughter back safely.

You start off with watching the series, going ‘Ok yeah, save your wife and kid – makes sense’. But before you know it, in this one mission to rescue HIS wife and HIS daughter – 313 other people die.

But do we notice? No.

Why?

Because we only care about the main characters.

So long as I am Fine and MY Family is Fine = I’m cool.

So after a few episodes as people are being gunned down by the dozens in order to save his wife and daughter, I’m wondering whether it wouldn’t be better for them to just be dead or not be there because there’s now a shitload of people being killed and murdered just so Jack can ‘save his beloved ones’.

How can you value family so much, that you put yourself into danger the whole time – and shoot whoever is in your way, and then not consider that whoever you are shooting, is someone else’s family.

If you don’t want your family to be killed, then don’t kill other people’s family – I mean, that’s just hypocritical. Every person you kill is someone’s child, someone’s brother, someone’s sister, someone’s mother, someone’s daughter. He is the man that will do whatever it takes – but only so far that it concerns HIS family. Fuck whoever is working for the ‘bad guys’ – not a moment is spent wondering how they ended up to be a bad guy’s henchman, whether this was by choice or by force, how he could have been born in the other person’s position, what leads people to become terrorists, how this can be prevented,… – nope, not a moment to waste on such trivial considerations!

Yet, throughout the series Jack Bauer is portrayed to be an honest, loyal, honorable man – an example to live by!

Really?

If he had Real, Relevant Family Values, he would ensure that no-one would ever be in the position his family was in and he would make sure that no-one would ever be in the position of being the one keeping other people hostage and threating with acts of terrorism. He would in fact, do whatever it takes, to put into place a system that ensures the Health, Safety and Wellbeing of Every Single Person within the Realization that if Family Matters than Every One Matters.

Support real Family Values, Support the Equal Life Foundation as the only Non-Profit Organization pushing for Real Change and support the establishment of an Equal Money System which has the Equal Life Foundation's Bill of Human Rights Entrenched in it's Starting Point.

Related articles

• Day 389: Humans Rights with Children and Health Care
• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights
• Day 221: Are Humans Equal? - Equality and Human Rights - Part 2
• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)
• Day 368: "Please Save a Child"
• Day 220: Justice and Human Rights - Part 2
• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

Day 204: It Can't be That Easy

This is a continuation to:
Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

I now have started a 'new thing' for myself wherein I first speak in my Self-Forgiveness blog and record it with my cellphone (lol, I first wrote 'selfphone',which is like 'self sounding' from the perspective of "phone"/"phonetics") and afterwards write it out.

I decided to do it this way because I have had massive resistance speaking my whole life, where even just this one point of speaking out loud by myself has become a point of resistance and awkwardness, where the sound of my own voice freaks me out. As a child I used being quiet as a coping mechanism, where I believed that if I can keep myself quiet, I can make myself unnoticeable and I will be less likely to entice conflict within my environment.

So within speaking my Self Forgiveness out loud, I find myself being able to have to practically move through the resistance of fear of speaking – even if it is just “to” myself, to get comfortable with my own voice – as I often speak in mumbles to get the speaking ‘over with’ instead of making sure that my words are clear and specific. Here again, doing the Self Forgiveness out loud has shown to be another ground of practice within that regard – where it is easier to notice whether the words are flowing and/or whether there is any judgment involved in the point I am working on, or the words used within the Self Forgiveness.

Anyway, as I was speaking and writing my blog from yesterday ‘Day 203: My Mind is Like a Broken Record’ – I started to breathe. I started to breathe, I started to slow down for myself and found myself able to disregard the information my thoughts were attempting to convey – reminding myself, that the chatter is not relevant and so, there is no point giving it attention and then suddenly POOF the thought it gone lol.

This morning I woke up with the general emotions and thoughts as what I had accepted to be ‘normal’ to wake up with – and immediately I stopped, I looked at the thoughts, the emotions and what they represent and asked myself: Wait a minute – how are you relevant again? How is this supposed to help me being effective, help me within being stable, help me within establishing a world that is best for all Life? And I looked at the thoughts, the feelings and emotions and kind of an ‘uuuuh’ experience – where it was clear that these thoughts, feelings and emotions have absolutely no function within the context of what is Best for All Life, and gone they went.

I took a deep breath, threw my blanket open, ready to jump out of bed and was surprised at the ease and lightness with which I was getting out of bed – it was so strange, “this is not normal”, “this is not how it usually goes”, “can it really be that easy?” And there, doubt set in, and from the moment that I even just started considering the possible validity of these statements as thoughts in the slightest way – a darkness and a heaviness crept in and it was like prison bars shot down from the sky out of nowhere and back I was in my cage. Dammit! I allowed myself to be fooled again lol. So I stopped, looked at the thoughts, looked at where they came from, looked at the resistance of living my commitment – where the point of ‘It can’t be that easy’ was basically me looking for an excuse/justification to fail and find a reason why I can’t commit to my decision, which again is really not a ‘can’t’, but more of a ‘I don’t want to’.

I found myself missing many breaths and I also found myself picking up on Breathing just as much today. The habitual doubt and self-judgment always just being around the corner to question myself and my commitment – where each time I miss, it finds an opportunity to show its face, and I find an opportunity to not participate and simply start over.

Related articles

• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205
• Day 356 & 357 Self-Change through SELF-JUDGEMENT or through a simply DECISION?

Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

Also read:
Day 386: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research – Week 14 (Part Two)
Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe my thoughts as the content they present as ‘not trusting myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the past to tell me who I am, within trusting my thoughts , where my thoughts are merely the result of the accumulation of memories as data and the meanings as emotions and feelings attached/embedded within these memories whereby the thoughts are ‘ghosts of the past’ haunting me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘live here’ while ‘looking through the past’, instead of being here – breath by breath, as the only way within which ‘living here’ is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are valid, without actually having tested them to see whether they are valid in all ways, or whether they are only valid within the context of the existence of the memory as being an extension of data – but instead merely apathetically accepted and allowed them as apparently being ‘normal’ and within doing so accepting and allowing the limitation that comes with living by one’s thoughts as one’s own personal nightmare

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of distrust and inadequacy, without seeing and realizing that I am merely echoing memories – where within accepting these thoughts and allowing them to play over and over again like a broken record, I am merely creating new memories with the exact same content, over and over again – to only further perpetuate my accepted and allowed limitation within enforcing the same pattern and thus enforcing the same outcome with no room for change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences that are attached to them, believing that because they come up, ‘they must be real’ and I ‘must follow them’ and I ‘must accept them’ (while these are also thoughts lol), without questioning where my thoughts/feelings and emotions come from

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have made the decision, the commitment, the statement – to decide to live here, breath by breath, moment by moment – within believing my thoughts that tell me that it’s ‘too hard’, it’s ‘too difficult’, ‘not yet’, ‘maybe later’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that in terms of living the commitment of breathing here in every moment – there is no ‘later’ or ‘process’ that needs to take place in order for me to supposedly be enabled to effectively live here breath by breath – as all there is, is the decision as willpower , as commitment, as I am here, this is what I accept and allow, this is who I am – and who I am is now living breath by breath and not give in to the voices of the memories as thoughts, desperately wanting attention and be held unto because of some perverse perception of apparent value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed making the decision of living breath by breath, where I saw that it was inevitable to make this decision and to live by the decision made – but instead perceived the decision as the final decision within a negative charge connotation, connecting it to ‘death’ – where this decision would be ‘it’, living by this decision would mean no turning back – wherein I went into fear and instead of pushing through the bullshit of thought, I stepped back within myself and went ‘not yet’, and justified it with ‘I cannot do this anyway’ and thus in fact fulfilling my own self-belief within not doing it, not seeing and realizing that my decision to ‘not do it’ does not mean that I ‘cannot do it’, only that I don’t want to bother finding out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in regret of that one moment, where I saw what needed to be done, but instead allowed myself to be persuaded by my thoughts and what they had to say and so within that moment accepted and allowed myself to remain limited because apparently these thoughts that claim that I am limited have some freaking value and I should just ‘go with it’

I commit myself to live breathe by breath here, to live in awareness instead of consciousness and to when and as I see myself missing a breath of having missed breaths – to simply pick up again as a matter of common sense and self-dedication and self-will and to not allow myself to give into the thoughts who are ready to cheer me down into giving up and self-defeat – because I have made a commitment and I have made a decision and I am tired of letting myself down – it has been enough

I commit myself to trust myself and to learn to trust myself to be able to just do this one simple thing: to be here within a single breath ever only, and to practice this point over and over, breath by breath – the only way you can practice anything – until it is a living natural expression of and as me, where I live it instead of practicing it

I commit myself to disregard the voices in my head, to see them for what they are as merely the collection of data and information being repeated – and to use them as an opportunity to identify the programming, the rules that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by – and to reverse engineer their creation to a point of nothingness, so I may create a new rule, a new law by which to live – as that what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to give myself to opportunity to live here, as I see and realize that I have only ever lived as thought – or rather have lived through thought within believing that it was ‘me’, within believing that ‘who I am’ is the mind and where within the realization that I am not the mind, and not yet the body – I am absolutely nothing – and thus I grant myself the opportunity to kill myself as the mind and birth myself as the Life from and as the Physical and find out who I really am, as Life – and disregard/shed what I have been living as a Lie.

Related articles

• Day 348 - Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Day 343 - Getting home from work, the Fly trap.
• Day 350 - Mirage of self Part 2
• Day 321 - Falling behind on daily Blogging, getting up, moving forward