Monday, 10 March 2008

about dream world and separation

I am writing this because I understood a few things that I didn't understood before.
First thing I want to talk about is separation. I have realised that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all and everything BIG TIME. Although this was always floating up the surface, it was something I decided not to look at. Well not really ignoring, I just knew that there was tomething I wasn't considering but I couldn't find any words to discribe what it was. It was like this splinter in my brain, making me feel odd, but I didn't know there was a splinter!
Yes, I think I'll describe it like that.

So, I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all and everything. Yes. Hmm. I really believed and was convinced that -I, who I am - I am not this world, and I am nothing of those things that happen inside me.
Haha. Yes now I think it's funny. I laugh at myself. I understood this, but only to a certain extent. It was only after watching Matti's 2 videos on self honesty that I understoond and realised the extent of it.
[ links : self honesty , self honesty 2]

What I understood before (just a few days back) - and this is where I get to the "Dream World" part - is that I am this World. Like, when you're dreaming, you're experiencing yourself in a world, right. You understand that the world is mind created, but it is a world, and you created it, it is a part of you, it is you.
So I realised that this was exactly the same when you're not in a dream! It's exactly the same! How come I didnt consider that before? Well, that doesnt really matter, as I realised it now.
And now is ok. So when I look at the world from that perspective, I understand now, what it is oneness. What separation means, what equality means. It is really obvious, really!
But as I separated myself from all and everything, I did not grasp this, well not fully. But now I know, and now I understand.
I understand what action I have to take. That this is not just something for --me--.
And I never really just did it for me anyway. I did it for something, higher, for something of a bigger importance. But Leila! THERE IS NO HIGHER IMPORTANCE! You've been fooling yourself. hahaahahahaa.
I always used water, sea, ocean as an example for me to understand oneness. Like you can be a drop of water but you're still a part of the ocean, the sea, you are it. And I knew it was the same for me as the world, as all that exists. But I guess I didn't wanted to push myself through that, to that next realisation. Because I didn't want to face myself.
Well yes, in some moments I wanted to face myself. But I understand now, that, those moments, where kind of moment of despair. Like " Oh the hell with it just let me quick experience hell so I cang et voer it". It was not based on self honesty. It was based on fear. Fear of me , fear of the world, fear of the world as me.
I haven't accepted and allowed msyelf to embrace msyelf.
What I found when doing Self Forgiveness, is that it always comes down to me not loving, accepting and embracing me as who I am, a being here, now in the moment. I just can't do it. Well, not yet of course.
It's like this impossible, unimaginable thing to think of, me loving and accepting me.
we all living as one as equal? I never really believed it was possible to be honest. And I knew this even when I just started "actively" in process. That doing this process, is just another thing to keep me busy, being entertained even. I thought of it as the same as fasting or learning a new language. It was a purpose. BUT THERE IS NO PURPOSE!!!! WHy don't I just fucking acept that!!!!! Why can't I be content with me, just me nothing else. Being here, aware, nothing. Nope, for some ridicules reason I decided, Leila, what you thinking there is Bull shit and it is impossible and can Never be accomplished, BUT ofcourse you can keep yourself busy with this process if you like for the time being. Cause frankly, that's what I decided.
Hmmm. There you are Leila, you got it out. Hmmmpf.

Also, I noticed that I was always trying to accomplish, achieve some goal, or whatever. And I wanted everything to be done immediatly, instead of taking care of a specific point one by one.
What I will work on now, is the embracing of me as the world and everything that exists in this world as me. Make peace with it. I understand that without that, I have no real foundation and will probably just keep running circles in my mind.
Live it. Live it. Live.

So I really have to work and that, me world, not avoiding, not denying, lettign go, make,peace with it. Then I can go itno real effectiveness. Hmm, ok I stop now.

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Edited 16:30 = 4.30 pm
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I had a few moments of reflection that I wanted to share.
What I noticed whithing myself when watching Matti's video at the point where he talks about doing your process for all as one as equal, is that I was thinking of this girl of my class - which i have lots of issues with - and I was thinking, OMG, MAtti's right, becasue there is no way that right now I am doing this process for me as one and equal as her.
That's when I found the splinter. big AHA moment.
Also, if you make peace with yourself as the world as all as one as equal, there exists no judgement!!

What I noticed to is that my definition of equality and the words I linked to equality made me limit myself, and my understaning of equalitiy. It's kind of stupid, but I always linked equality with communism. So, I sorted that out too now. hahaa. Insightful moments here. lol
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