Tuesday, 11 March 2008

on self forgiveness

I realised that I had given a defenition to the words - accepted and allowed - and the thing is that I have seen the words - accepted and allowed - as something BAD. So actually, what I did while doing Self Forgiveness was basically judging, as I based the words - accepted and allowed - on a judgement based on idea/belief. I was judging myself the entire time, instead of seeing the words - accepted and allowed - as a form of taking responsability, saying yes, this is what I did, but I do not let it control or influence me, I embrace it as me, I let go.

so everyline came down to this

I judge

I judge

I judge

I judge

With every forgiveness line I would state : Leila, you are baaaaad person.

you get the picture.
I wasn't applying myself unconditionally. But I did what I "thought" what was "right" at the time, as what I understood.

Also, it was that instead of embracing, making peace and let go of everything - I rejected, denied and separated myself from that which I was applying Self Forgiveness on. I would worry about like a fear, instead of just letting it go all throughout me, but not letting it influence or control me. Cause in the moment that you understand, realise that it cannot possibly influence, control or affects you, it's like the feeling just suddenly disintegrates.

In my head I would go "shit, shit, I have fear inside me, I have to get rid of it, Fast! Self forgiveness : "judgement, judgement, judgement, judgement".

Haha, I thought there was no way you could do something wrong with Self Forgiveness. Well it's not really like "do something wrong", it's about those tricky startingpoints. There where you held back on being self honest. Take nothing for granted is the message!
Obviously there is still a lot that I need to consider, but I still feel as if I'm getting ahead of everything.

So focus is still on breath, as it is the foundation. Everyday is another chance to just apply breath and just focus on that. Much easier, and practical than wanting to do all at once. Don't ask what you can't handle lol.
And besides of the breathing I will also focus on my project for class and apply self forgiveness in a new way, when it is needed. Just those 2 points, breath and project. Once I get the hang of the breath I take next step, and slowely but surely I will built self honesty and self trust within me as me as all as one as equal.

Breath out...

Another thing, sometimes I feel like the breathing is like when you're really, really thursty and you feel like you could drink an entire bottle of water at once - thats the feeling I have after school. Or maybe like I'm drowning and just need to grasp Aaaaaaaaah, air.
Whatever hahaahaha.
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