Monday, 17 March 2008

being HERE; the solution as much as the problem

While being on the train I was wondering a bit about being HERE. Of all the things I do and don't want to do, the problem/solution is always the being HERE. The fact that you are here, whatever you do.

Hmm... So what is it that makes me perceive that being HERE is a problem? What is it that doesn't make me like waiting or being bored? What is it that doesn’t make me like to be here?

When I'm waiting, why am I waiting? When I'm bored, why am I bored? I'm waiting and I'm bored cause in the moment I am bored/waiting I have no purpose. I'm here and that's it. Just me. That made me think of The Law of my Being.
So that made me want to observe me in the state of waiting/being bored. And I came to the conclusion that it's about who you are, or who you "think" you are. It's about your past, it's about your mind, it's about not having a purpose, getting agitated cause you "have nothing to do", you’re stuck with yourself and there's no hiding from self.

When I'm frustrated or bored it's because I have no purpose, I have no goal, nothing to achieve. And if I would have something to achieve it wouldn't change the fact that I'm still here only now, "I have a purpose for which I can live, hooray". And even if I had a goal or purpose or whatever, once it's achieved, I'm still here. What am I gonna do then??

Then I guess it's got to do with self trust, self acceptance. Not being dependent on an outer source, separated from self.

Being bored pretty much shows you to what extent you are fucked. It's in the being HERE that everything comes together, you face it all if you want it or not. So you can either look away, or do something about it. I "choose" the latter. It's not like I've got a choice anyway haha.

And therefore, it's the solution as well. So what better way to do something about it than applying Self Forgiveness, here I go:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become of an unbearable mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive, think, that there is no way out, I'm stuck with, myself, damned for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive, think, experience myself as if I need something outside and separate from myself, a reason for which I can exist.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to live for me. For the joy of being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, experience, think that life is a burden.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, experience, think that that's the way life is, there's nothing to do about it so we might as well just keep doing what we're doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to give myself the chance, the opportunity to purify myself, even if every breath, every moment is an opportunity I still don't accept and allow myself to change my nature.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that I can change my nature that I have accepted and allowed myself in every moment, every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, perceive, experience that I need to chain myself to some purpose - if not - I cannot exist cause there is no reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, perceive, experience that I need something or someone outside of myself to life for.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live, breath, be here for me, to dedicate myself to me, to all as one as equal, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I define the experience of me in every moment, I direct me, thus I can change my experience of me in every moment, it's up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame boredom on something outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make peace with what I have become, what I have let myself become, to let it go, no longer let it control influence me, and direct things for me for all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, experience, believe that someone has to tell me who I am for me to know who I am and what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience, think, perceive that being here is unbearable, and that I must go into my mind before I can enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only experience myself as who I am when I am in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my mind, and its limitations.

I am not the mind

I am Life

I am here

I am one and equal to that is in existence.

I do not need a goal, or something to achieve live.

I am here, I.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise my full responseability towards myself as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to face myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to face all that I have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that facing myself is impossible and that I might as well go back into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too chicken scared to face myself as all the things I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing all my dishonesties.

I am infinite

I am here

I am comfortable with my self

I let go of my past

I don't let my mind, my past influence and control me.

I am here

I am life

I don't need no fucking reason.
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