It reminds me of when my mom would ask me to clean my room. It didn’t bother me that she asked me to clean my room – that made sense, but it would be the way she asked, like you can sense there’s something hidden behind it which was just all off and it didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Back then I thought I was merely ‘rebelling’ towards my parents as ‘authority’ but I actually didn’t have a clue why I experienced myself that way and why I was reacting and just DID NOT want to do what she asked me to do lol.
So I got now that when people talk, there’s a lot more information crossing the room besides just the words spoken – there’s a whole resonance/energy component that I had previously never look at or considered – which was what I was picking up on whenever I would react to my parents demands. It was not because they were not being rational that I would not want to do what they asked, but because I could sense that their starting point was not cool. And this can be pretty confusing because all you know is that there’s something ‘off’ about what someone is saying to you but when you try to pinpoint what it is that’s exactly off about it, you’re kind of grasping at air and that would leave me wiggly/unstable – because I have this experience inside me but I can’t explain it and I have no ‘proof’ so to speak that I can put forward to explain why I do not want to comply to the request.
So this started happening recently, where someone would ask me something simple to do and I would get like a buzzing feeling where for some reason I don’t want to do it. I got confused because I looked at the words and the words made sense – so why was I experiencing myself this way? I brushed it off, thinking that I must be projecting something unto the other person and should just disregard the experience and work on ‘not wanting to do things’ or something like that. But it didn’t stop, each time the same person would ask me something and it would have that ‘vibe’ to it, I’d buzz – and I’m like what the fuck??!!! What is going on??
This would happen over and over again, buzz by buzz and in the end I would actually end up getting seriously annoyed with the other whenever this happened.
So then I looked at how the person spoke the words, the energy it had to it and put myself in the other person’s shoes. If I’d speak/ask something that way with that ‘vibe’ with it – what is creating that vibe? So then I got that if I would be speaking/asking things this way, that there was a point of morality/fairness involved – where I would ask someone to do something not because it makes sense, but cause of some idea of fairness/morality and where I do not even know that I am participating within fairness/morality because in my mind it ‘makes sense’. So even though the message makes sense, the starting point is off – and because it’s coming from an idea of fairness/morality which has been justified through “reasoning” – it’s hard to catch that there’s something off about it, because from the outside looking at it, it makes sense .This was then later also confirmed where this point opened up in a conversation where the person could see they where coming from a fairness point in how they would do certain things and I was glad to know I wasn’t going crazy lol.
So what was interesting with this whole experience is how little we know about ourselves, communication and how to deal with particular experiences. I mean, as a kid I had the exact same experience, and the only thing I could do that somehow made sense was to resist, protest and rebel without really even knowing why – it just ‘felt like the right thing to do’. But what happens then is that you’re just playing a reactive game where say my mom is being reactive within how she asks me to clean my room and then I react in protest and rebellion which in turn she can use to justify why she is reacting the way she is and strengthen her belief point to which I will then react even more and before you know it you’ve got a little snowball turned into a massive ball of snow causing an avalanche of reactions – because both sides just feed it and feed it and feed it to no resolve.
So this was now also kind of happening where because initially I did not know how to deal with my experience, I would internalize it and basically make a mind point out of it as I didn’t know how to direct it so it was just kind of stuck inside of me and then I would start back chatting about it and then that’s how the annoyance would grow. Where in the beginning I would brush it away but the experience kept re-occurring and the irresistible urge to just not comply/rebel was getting seriously huge. So now I know that if I experience myself this way to simply ask like ‘Hey, why are you asking me this way’ and to open up the point and if I am just projecting cool, then I know and sort myself out and if not then cool, it’s out in the open and I don’t have to sit with this experience that has got no-where to go and who knows the person might find some assistance in it.
Because I was more and more leaning into the not complying/rebelling point but I saw this also did not make sense because this will also just strengthen any already existent reaction within another / give them more reason to do what they are doing -- but I also saw that I could not just ‘do nothing’’ -- which is why I decided to write this blog to get some clarity and it did lol.
Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow…
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