Sunday, 10 March 2013

Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my experience when hearing another person speak where I did not know what to do with the experience and instead of looking directly at what is gone, went into fear and from there interpreted what ‘must be going on’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something was ‘off’ when someone sad something instead of seeing and realising that whatever goes on inside me IS me and thus I should be able to see, assess and direct what is going on

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively when noticing the experience coming up inside me, where instead of being here, seeing and acknowledging I reacted and went into fear and confusion and interpreted what was going on which from there merely accumulated into further interpretation and back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within not understanding what is going on, to immediately want to distance myself from the person and object/protest/rebel against what it is they said without even really knowing why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to object/protest/rebel/do the opposite of what the person is saying or asking without understanding why and without looking at whether it makes any sense at all to act this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a moment/breather to investigate my experience but instead in wanting to ‘get over with it’, brushed it off as ‘oh it’s probably just me / I must be projecting’ without actually investigating it, just so as to be able to give myself an answer to my confusion so that I can ‘get on’ with my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the experience and within this passiveness, allowed this experience and my reaction to it to just keep ‘swimming around’ within me without any form of direction where it accumulates and kind of goes ‘hello, heeeelllooo, HEEELLOOOOOO’ desperately wanting my attention to acknowledge its existence and give it direction where each time the experience would come up I would just kind of ‘No, go away – what are you doing here’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if my method of dealing with an experience is not working as in stopping it and ‘brushing it off’, where it keeps on coming back that obviously I need to change my method/approach and try something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my experience of frustration accumulate within not knowing how to deal with this experience wherein I started to misdirect/misguide this frustration/annoyance/irritation with myself and my inability to deal unto the other person where I started creating new layers/dimensions to the point and making things more complicated instead of stopping, and tracing back all the steps aaaall the way to the beginning and really see what is going on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the tendency to invert all my experiences in relation to other people where I overanalyse and interpret them instead of talking/speaking/expressing as it comes up – where I leave the experience to wander and grow instead of opening it open and directing it
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