Sunday, 26 October 2008

going deeper into the inferiority - self defeat construct

Memories

When I was little and experienced sudden fear along with physical pain and feeling hurt - I wasn't able to handle and understand my experience and the situations I found myself in. I would then go into self-defeat and inferiority and just cry - not knowing what was actually going on.

For example: I was once kicked to the ground by some kid when I was in kindergarden - and the kid was much older than me - I would just cry - and in my inability to comprehend my experience go into self-defeat and inferiority.

A kid would throw a rock to my head for no reason and I would bleed, be in pain and just cry.

Someone would hit me and even if it did not hurt I would cry - just because of the shock going through my entire physical body.

Someone would scream to me and again the shock would go through me and I end up crying and feeling miserable about myself.

Whenever I experience this particular shock going through my human physical body - I react in self-defeat, inferiority - ultimatly in anger, frustration and suppression. But mostly anger.
Whenever I suddenly experience pain because an even that "doesn't make sense" I go into self-defeat and inferiority.

This has been very clear to me the last couple of months. Whenever I would I experience myself this way - all I could do is feel that it was something from my past that was deeply ingrained within and as me - that was still playing out as a habitual reaction.

This has then become a natural reactions that I accepted as myself, as the only possible way I could experience myself within such experiences/situations.

Thanks to the God of Man series I was able to specificly pinpoint the experiences and now I can sort them out.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into self defeat and inferiority whenever I experience myself within a situation where I feel hurt and am not able to comprehend the situation - why it happend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to my mind as self defeat and inferiority whenever I experience something that I do not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self defeat and inferiority as my only option when confronted with situations that I do not know how to handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I feel hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I am hurt physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I am confronted with someone that express anger and directs it towards me - which I then take personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take events personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invite events into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediatly take events personal - as a natural reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise and see that taking events personal is NOT natural.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive, taking events personal as my only option - as the only possible response I can give.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to break the chain of reaction of taking things personal within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything that happens "to me" as personal.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that events to do not happen TO ME. They just happen - it is up to me if I let them in or not.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to breathe through situations that I do not undertstand - but instead just tumble and fall into the mind as my saviour - into a reaction that I am used to and familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel familiar with the experience of self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel familiar with the experience of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go with the flow of chain of reactions that I am familiar with - getting dragged along through and by the reactions - instead of stopping for a moment and see that I am here - and that I am able to direct myself as the experience of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-defeat and inferiority be a part of my everyday experience.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stop and actually see what was really going on.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question my every day experience of myself - but accept it as normal - accept it as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted the experience of inferiority as normal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the experience of self-defeat as normal.

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted inferiority as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted self-defeat as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the past for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused looking at my past and its influences it is currently still having on me - because I believed it to be too painful and too much for me.
While all along I was just experiencing myself the same way as I used to - I just didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I was accepting it's continuation - and doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bullshit myself with ideas, perceptions, excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'busted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start doing weird stuff with my mouth - as if I am not wanting to admit this.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to admit my own stupidity and lack of self-movement and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to admit that I have been wasting my time big tme.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulty to admit that I have been waiting for nothing - I could have just directed myself long time ago - but no, I decided to wait - I decided self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a little kid that has been caught on doing something bad and is now being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I disgraced myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I dishonoured myself.

Because that's what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have disgraced myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonour myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been bullshitting around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be event driven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my self-directiveness away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given myself away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to point out my shit so I could work on it - while I could see my shit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for confirmation of my shit before I work on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to direct me instead of directing myself and taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be guided around like a little puppet.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others to direct me while I clearly know that I am perfectly able to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't acceped and allowed myself to direct myself out of fear of fucking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been blind to my self-acceptance and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to stand in the face of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already decided that I will not be able to stand in the face of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already giving up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go already go for self-defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already give in to self-imposed inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already decide that my self imposed limitations will rule over me.

I STOP

TILL HERE NO FURTHER

I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW THIS BULLSHIT

I STAND WITHIN SELF TRUST

I TRUST MYSELF

I AM COURAGE

I DIRECT MYSELF

I TAKE SELF RESPONSIBILTY

I DO NOT LONGER ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO BULLSHIT MYSELF AND DISHONOUR MYSELF.

I STAND
Post a Comment