My experiences with money

My experiences with money

When I was little my mom told me to save all my pocket money in a little bear. She said that once the bear was nice and full I could buy myself something nice. Woah, was I just excited to see the pile of little coins growing.

So every Sunday when I would get my pocket money I’d put it in the bear (his body was transparant till his chest) and I could see the pile get a bit bigger. I was so proud of myself putting those coins in there and seeing how it would grow.

Then one day, after saving looooooooooooooooooooong time , me and my mom counted the money and she decided that it was cool now for me to go and buy something.
I was so happy. I never had all the cool toys that my friends were used to so I was happy and hoping that I could get something nice like my friends had.

So this once day we go to this toy shop and I could go look around for something to buy for myself. I was amazed by all the pretty colours and all the shiny plastic things around me in the shop. Every time I pointed something out and yelled my mom “MOMMY MOMMY LOOK AT THIS!!!!!” she would simply go, no, too expensive, you don’t have that kind of money.

So everytime I would make sure if I pointed something out that it was cheaper than the thing I just pointed out but it would always still be too expensive – pfft, after a while the excitement was all gone.

Eventually I found this board where you can draw on with a little pen and the board could erase the drawings on it – it was like something magical. And my mom kept saying ‘Don’t you like drawing?? Yes you like drawing, buy this!!”.

I didn’t look as cool as all the other things. But my mom said it was from a good brand like me brother his little car and that it would last long – so that I had to buy it – and that it would be a good decision.
So I was like ok, I’ll buy this then.

Suddenly ALL my coins gone. But I was happy cause I had something for myself now. There were alse these pre-made pastic things that you could put in the board and then you had to follow the lines that were on them and then you’d get the drawing on the board.

But it got very boring after awhile. There was really nothing to it.


That’s my first experience with money that I can remember.

So what did my mom teach me:

Save your money
Buy something of a brand
Buy something that is not just fun but from which you can also learn (drawing)
Everything is expensive
You are limited by the amount of money you own.


Interesting – just now as I went downstairs to get my tobacco the memories of buying my guitars popped up.

Just like drawing – playing music is also good for your kids. You know, develop in their talents and shit.

I wanted to learn how to play guitar when I was a litle kid because I enjoyed music and it would make me cool.
My father and mother were happy that I wanted to learn how to play an instument – them being such good parents they bought me an accoustic guitar.

Well actually, I HAD to learn how to play an instrument. Already from when I was very very small I used to go music school and I would learn reading notes, and about melody and rhythm and we’d play flute.

Then when I was a bit older but still very young the lessons got more advanced and we had to write down the notes that our teacher was playing on the piano and the rhythm – and we also had to sing notes – brrrrrrrrrr.

I really hated that because it never worked out for me to sing in the class for everyone.
All of them were girls and had excellent voices and could sing very nice. And I was there because my parents had sent me there – not because I had talent.

I was always so embarrased when I had to sing infront of everyone – it was bloody painful.

But once I was out of there and alone – I could sing those notes just fine lol.

Anyway, I’m getting a bit off topic. At one point after a few years of music school you have to decide what instrument you want to learn. I actually wanted to play the harp but because it was bloody expensive I never mentioned it to my parents so I just said like yeah ok guitar then.
(they knew I was interested but they made sure I knew that buying a harp was very expensive)

Anyway at some point I stopped going to music school because I would almost piss my pants every time I’d enter those doors because of the “YOU HAVE TO PERFORM – pressure”.
I just couldn’t handle it so I cried and cried till it got through to my mom that this was not what I wanted to do.

Afterwards I learnt to play guitar by myself and then I actually had fun. I then started saving for an electric guitar which my parents approved because it is good for the development of your kid. When they decided that I had enough money I could buy one – and so I did.
Again all my money gone but I had my electric guitar.
That also got boring after awhile.
So then I thought that a bass guitar might be more fun – so I saved for that – bought one – same story.

Then I said fuck that saving thing there’s not anything that I can buy that’s gonna make me feel better or enjoy myself.

Soon after that my money would go to cigarettes haha. At least I enjoy those lol.

Buying cigarettes was then considered as bad because all my money would go to it every week and I would have nothing left but it was not like I needed money for anything else.
My parents always gave me very little pocket money and if I asked them why so little they would say :”Well you get everything you need from us so why need more.” That seemed like an acceptable answer at the time.

But it was just their way to make sure I was completely dependent on them.
That’s so evil. And I only saw this when it was “too late”.

When I was in highschool the question came up of maybe doing a student job during the holidays but I was like “wtf, you guys give me everything I need right, I don’t need the money – I’m glad it’s holidays I hate school why the fuck would I want to get a job? Holidays are there to have fun not to work”

So I never got myself a student job because there was no “why” involved – there was no reason why I should do it so I didn’t lol.
At that time it was already decided that I would go to university and study and that my parents would pay my studies. And that I’d get a job with my degree then.

But that plan didn’t really work out….


So now I still have no money because all my money goes to my cigarettes – the last time I saved money was for a pen and tablet to draw on computer – which I do enjoy and it’s the only thing I do not regret buying along with cigarettes.

I still only get enough money to pay for my cigarettes – I decided I do not want to study because there is nothing that interests me – so now the entire “plan” that was set up for me is fucked and I am stuck.

I never considered – and so did my parents – that maybe I might not end up studying – that maybe I would not follow the path they wanted me to follow.

And now that I made clear that I’m not going to do that. I’m pretty fucked concerning money.
Because I do not study my parents do not get child support money from the governement.
So they want me to get a job and pay them money.

And they still want me to go study – atleast my dad. So that is what I told him. He believes that I am going to study next year (the study costs 10 000 euros for 4 years omg) and he is willing to pay it.

See – the only reason I could go to SA was because I said to my father that I would get a job when I’d be back and study afterwards.
Else I wouldn’t have been allowed to go – and in my misery I would have ended up studying something random because if I do not do as he wants – he either kills me or I get kicked out and I have nowhere to go.

Basically my entire life I did not have to worry about money – and I did not have to work with money. Because it wasn’t necesarry for the path my parents had set out for me.
But now that I do not follow that path – I’m pretty fucked.

I am now basically home all day – I cannot go anywhere because it costs me money. If I ask my mom for money she says get a job. I can’t do anything because everything costs money. And the only reply I keep getting is “get a job”. Or “when you have a job you’re allowed to have this and that.”

And since I never worked in my life – and I went to an Art Highschool – my resumé looks pretty crappy. ( Art highschool doesn’t look good on a resumé in case you didn’t know – people then think you are a self centered ego person that cannot work)And I do not have many options as a job
So now I have been looking for a job and have some job interviews coming up.
At one point I had one – but it turned out I’d have to work my ass of for only 500 euros a month – from which I have to give 250 to my parents which leaves me with 250 euros.

And me being exhausted.


Sooo, yea

Bottom line

Money sucks

God of Man - e-book version

God of Man - Upload a Document to Scribd

going deeper into the inferiority - self defeat construct

Memories

When I was little and experienced sudden fear along with physical pain and feeling hurt - I wasn't able to handle and understand my experience and the situations I found myself in. I would then go into self-defeat and inferiority and just cry - not knowing what was actually going on.

For example: I was once kicked to the ground by some kid when I was in kindergarden - and the kid was much older than me - I would just cry - and in my inability to comprehend my experience go into self-defeat and inferiority.

A kid would throw a rock to my head for no reason and I would bleed, be in pain and just cry.

Someone would hit me and even if it did not hurt I would cry - just because of the shock going through my entire physical body.

Someone would scream to me and again the shock would go through me and I end up crying and feeling miserable about myself.

Whenever I experience this particular shock going through my human physical body - I react in self-defeat, inferiority - ultimatly in anger, frustration and suppression. But mostly anger.
Whenever I suddenly experience pain because an even that "doesn't make sense" I go into self-defeat and inferiority.

This has been very clear to me the last couple of months. Whenever I would I experience myself this way - all I could do is feel that it was something from my past that was deeply ingrained within and as me - that was still playing out as a habitual reaction.

This has then become a natural reactions that I accepted as myself, as the only possible way I could experience myself within such experiences/situations.

Thanks to the God of Man series I was able to specificly pinpoint the experiences and now I can sort them out.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into self defeat and inferiority whenever I experience myself within a situation where I feel hurt and am not able to comprehend the situation - why it happend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to my mind as self defeat and inferiority whenever I experience something that I do not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self defeat and inferiority as my only option when confronted with situations that I do not know how to handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I feel hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I am hurt physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I am confronted with someone that express anger and directs it towards me - which I then take personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take events personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invite events into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediatly take events personal - as a natural reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise and see that taking events personal is NOT natural.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive, taking events personal as my only option - as the only possible response I can give.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to break the chain of reaction of taking things personal within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything that happens "to me" as personal.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that events to do not happen TO ME. They just happen - it is up to me if I let them in or not.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to breathe through situations that I do not undertstand - but instead just tumble and fall into the mind as my saviour - into a reaction that I am used to and familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel familiar with the experience of self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel familiar with the experience of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go with the flow of chain of reactions that I am familiar with - getting dragged along through and by the reactions - instead of stopping for a moment and see that I am here - and that I am able to direct myself as the experience of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-defeat and inferiority be a part of my everyday experience.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stop and actually see what was really going on.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question my every day experience of myself - but accept it as normal - accept it as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted the experience of inferiority as normal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the experience of self-defeat as normal.

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted inferiority as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted self-defeat as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the past for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused looking at my past and its influences it is currently still having on me - because I believed it to be too painful and too much for me.
While all along I was just experiencing myself the same way as I used to - I just didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I was accepting it's continuation - and doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bullshit myself with ideas, perceptions, excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'busted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start doing weird stuff with my mouth - as if I am not wanting to admit this.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to admit my own stupidity and lack of self-movement and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to admit that I have been wasting my time big tme.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulty to admit that I have been waiting for nothing - I could have just directed myself long time ago - but no, I decided to wait - I decided self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a little kid that has been caught on doing something bad and is now being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I disgraced myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I dishonoured myself.

Because that's what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have disgraced myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonour myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been bullshitting around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be event driven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my self-directiveness away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given myself away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to point out my shit so I could work on it - while I could see my shit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for confirmation of my shit before I work on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to direct me instead of directing myself and taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be guided around like a little puppet.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others to direct me while I clearly know that I am perfectly able to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't acceped and allowed myself to direct myself out of fear of fucking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been blind to my self-acceptance and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to stand in the face of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already decided that I will not be able to stand in the face of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already giving up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go already go for self-defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already give in to self-imposed inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already decide that my self imposed limitations will rule over me.

I STOP

TILL HERE NO FURTHER

I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW THIS BULLSHIT

I STAND WITHIN SELF TRUST

I TRUST MYSELF

I AM COURAGE

I DIRECT MYSELF

I TAKE SELF RESPONSIBILTY

I DO NOT LONGER ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO BULLSHIT MYSELF AND DISHONOUR MYSELF.

I STAND

inferiority - self defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project authority on everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project authority on everyone around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everyone around me as authorotive figures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose inferiority unto myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everyone as more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe in my self imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable in my self imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind self imposed inferiority because I do not take self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given into self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience system people as superior and frightning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior in the presence of other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no authority whatsoever and that I am not allowed to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards people that are effective in the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as inferior because I am not effective in the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become used to the experience of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become used to experiencing everyone as superior and authorotive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my everyday experience for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in my self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider standing up from within this self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider changing my experience within self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the construct of self-defeat personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let self-defeat be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by self-defeat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be aware of moments of self-imposed inferiority and stand up within myself from that point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to my minds reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to perceptions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to ideas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the mind in moments where I feel like I cannot handle a situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for the mind in moments where my self trust is tested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my good old mind instead of myself here in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather trust my mind as what I am used to and act according to memories and experiences of the past instead of directing myself HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go into habitual reactions instead of trusting myself here and act accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the experience of inferiority become a habitual experience

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to stand up from inferiority

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider changing my experience within inferiority

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to take my self direction for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my creativeness for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a zombie within the matrix

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is easier to sit within my self imposed inferiority instead of taking self responsibility and directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the idea that I am inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if inferiority is who and what I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let inferiority be a part of my self definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-imposed inferiority for granted - while it was always obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the ideas that I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the perceptions I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the self definition I gave myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to give up my self-imposed inferiority - I wouldn't be ME anymore

duh , that's the whole fucking point lolol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by giving up and letting go of my self imposed inferiority I will somehow be different and alienated from myself lolol

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see ridiculousness in the fear of loss

I see that I have no excuse - there is no valid reason to why I should not give up my self imposed inferiority

I resist doing it so I know this is what I have to do haha. Losing a part of my self-definition as self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will experience myself as not safe if I give up my self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like going into superiority as a counter reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stop my self-imposed inferiority - I have to experience myself within superiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into polarity

I STOP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the comfort of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I would feel better about myself after doing this self forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self dishonest in my startingpoint of doing self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have done self forgiveness towards a desired specific result/outcome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless now that I see that it didn't work out that way

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only way to stop experiencing anger and frustration towards myself is to stand up from my self imposed inferiority and self-defeat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise and see that as long as I do not stand up from my self-imposed inferiority and self defeat - I will keep experiencing myself within anger and frustration and I will keep on being pissed off with myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to love myself enough to stand up from my self-imposed inferiority and self defeat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care enough about myself to stand up from my self-imposed inferiority and self defeat

till here no further

I do not longer accept and allow myself to submit and abdicate myself to my self imposed inferiority state of mind

I do not longer accept and allowed myself to submit and abdicate myself to self defeat

I take self responsibility

I direct myself

I stand up from my doom

and see that I was never doomed

SF

SHARING

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken sharing for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself sharing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself actually consider sharing - out of fear of being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone points out that I am wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and go into self-judgment when I find out I am 'wrongr

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value worth and meaning to 'right' and 'wrong'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hard time admitting to myself and others that I was wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into defense when somebody points out that I am wrong - and even if I see that this is the case I will still defend my point out of ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my ego as my self given self-definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my ego as more important than me being self honest with me by defending it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for 'me being right"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the automated reaction of defense when someone points out that what I am saying doesn't make sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify what I said when someone points out that it doesn't make sense - just so I can be right anyway


I now go over to Veno's document on Female Ego - do the SF and add my own

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always want, need and desire to be right.

I forgive mysrelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for 'me being right'because I do not want my self-definition to be bruised.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist within petrifying fear of possibly being ‘wrong’ or mistaken – I must and have to always be ‘right’

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist in the self defined category of the mind as polarity friction and conflict between what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to for some moments change my definitions of "right" and "wrong" to the definition that others have that are in my presence that very moment - so that I can be right along with them for that moment - and then switch back over to my normal beliefsystem of "right" and "wrong" - just for that momentary feeling of fitting - using manipulation

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as female, feminine and woman – instead of me expressing me within and as oneness and equality of life – the purity expression of me as life – undefined by female, feminine and woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always want, need and desire to be right with the wisdom, insight, knowledge and information I have attained and obtained through ‘life experience’ and the family of woman that has gone before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my knowledge, wisdom and information - not being able to comprehend why other beings cannot agree with me - and because of my ego I will not allow myself to open myself up for their perspectives or insights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am right and everyone else is wrong

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that just because I am older, ‘more advanced’ in life experience, have attained and obtained much ‘knowledge and information and wisdom’ – ‘I know everything’ and thus know the difference between right and wrong and will thus pass this on to the generation that is to come

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that ‘I know everything’ and because I know everything – I am able to ‘pass on this knowledge that I know’ to the generation that is to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want other beings to agree with my knowledge and wisdom so i can feed and boost my ego and my self-definition / personality design based on that knowledge,information,wisdom

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that this ‘I know everything’ is a one-dimensional opinion – and does not originate as the expression of me within and as self honesty of oneness and equality of life as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to derive a sense of ‘strength’ and ‘power’ through stating ‘my point of view’ as ‘my opinion’ that charge my ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by "expressing" and opinion - I am now SOMEONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value, worth and meaning to opinion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the media that promotes "expressing your opinion" making a big deal out of people's opinion as if it means something and that you should RESPECT someone's opinion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to believe that I must ALWAYS RESPECT someone's opinion because that is what I have been thaught so - that's how it must be

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that RESPECTING someone's opinion IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into
suppression when talking tos omeone because I MUST RESPECT THEIR OPINION

I forgive myself for all the times that have accepted and allowed myself to hold back and say nothing because I believed that I did not have the authority to speak and that it is VERY RUDE to speak up and show apparent DISRESPECT for someones opinion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become FUCKING ANGRY at the education system and my parents and the media FOR THE BULLSHIT THEY HAVE THAUGHT ME

I FORGIVE MYSELF THAT I HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO EXPRESS MY ANGER FOR ALL THE FREAKING BULLSHIT THAT GOES ON INT HIS FREEEAAAKIGN WOOOOOOOOORLD

breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to go over in reactive behaviour

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the vastness of the bullshit in this world - it is BEYOND imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make society's rules my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act and behave according to the rules fo society according to what society says is 'right' and 'wrong' - acting and behaving according to their values

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question someone's opnion just for the sake that I do not want anyone to question MY opinion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself accordign the the opinions of my mind based on my belief system of what is right and wrooooong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself cherish feed and take care of my beliefsystems as if it is a nice little cutie baby pie that needs to GROOOOOOOOW

DIE BABY DIE

lolol

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question why I desperatly need to defend my "point of view"/opinion but instead jsut went with the automated reaction that I am so familiar with

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question why it is so important for me to be right

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question what it actually is that I am defending

I forgive myself that I have never actually accepted and allowed myself to question the experience of defence

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question the experience of wanting to be right

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ is a derivate of the mind according to the way I have shaped, conformed and conditioned myself within and as the polarity friction and conflict of the mind between what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to shape, conform and condition myself within this world according to the female, feminine and woman stature and status within and of the unified consciousness field in order to ‘survive’ in this world – and thus will teach and show the generation to come the exact same method of survival – because ‘I love them’

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ‘think’ and ‘believe’ that I require, need and have to have many human beings (as apparent friends) agree with ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ – to thus assert and confirm my conformities and conditionings of the mind between what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that ‘friends’ are the fiends of the world – and that I only enclose myself within a social gathering group of friends to constantly and continuously remind myself, my ego, that it as I is ‘right’ and thus constantly and continuously assert and confirm my state of mind as ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick out my friends in such a way that I know my ego is safe and has got an abundance of opportunities to GROW and EXPAND

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ is of the ego – the ego that has become me – the ego of rightness and righteousness – the right of existence as me as the mind of the mind as the ego which I have accepted and allowed myself to become – defined as a woman, female and feminine example of this world within and as the unified consciousness field

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think’ and ‘believe’ that I deserve and must have respect because of ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ being absolutely imperative and important to the contribution of the unified consciousness field as the ego that I have accepted and allowed myself to become – to assist and support other woman as myself with the exact same ego establishment and design – thus to assist and support them in having their ‘own opinion’ and their ‘own point of view’ also from their mind’s ego – thus we egos stick together to remain of the mind as the mind as the ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow and accept - even assist and SUPPORT other peoples self-dishonesties jsut so that they would do the same with mine -- so that I do not have to face myself - so that I do not have to see the truth of me - so that I do not need to change - so that I can hide and live in ignorance FOR EEEEEVEEEEEER

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that respect is the relationship formation demanded from the mind’s ego that I have accepted and allowed myself to become – because in demanding respect – I am pleading for my validation as the mind’s ego as ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ being ‘right’ and justified – so that others must agree with me – so that I may agree with myself as the mind’s ego – to confirm over and over and over again – to myself, through others – that what I am, what I say and what I consist of and what I do: Is right

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that the mind’s ego will always look for validation, conformation, agreement and respect from others – because the mind’s ego cannot exist without others agreeing with it’s existence as ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the continuous search of validation and confirmation of who I am and that I am right through others by them AGREEING with me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to respect myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that the ego of the mind will always attempt and try to search, seek and pull out methods like a magician to justify, confirm it’s existence as ‘being right’ and righteous in its actions and words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that those that don’t want to participate and nurture my ego as ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ – are attacking me, are ‘evil’ and are ‘wrong’ and don’t belong in this world or my world or anyone’s world for that matter – because this is the world where egos nurture egos and will find and discover any and all methods to ensure that they don’t ‘influence’ or ‘harm’ or ‘bruise’ my ego as ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ – because I am right ad they are wrong – they are wrong for not wanting to nurture my precious ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go in total hate and resentment towards those people that do not agree with me and my ego and that refuse to feed my cherised precious ego

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I go in total hate and resentment because my self-definition is now in DANGER because some beings are not AGREEING with me and thus I feel insecure and my beliefsystem about myself is being CHALLENGED and thus I go into hate and resentment to compensate this experience - while I am perfectly aware that my beliefsystem was enver real and those beings just confirmed it - but still i will try to justify it and my inner conflict then results into apparent hate and resentment towards those beings that do not agree with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ego is who I am and no-one and nothing will change me as the ego of the mind – I will bring out my army of justifications, excuses and reasons for not wanting to or daring to give up the ego of the mind I have accepted and allowed myself to become – because I fear that if I were to give up my precious ego – I will die, no longer being who I am now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defiend myself according to my programs/beliefsystems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a beliefsystem about myself - to which I hold unto 'as if my life depends on it' lolol

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my ego as ‘my precious’ – not daring to give it up or letting it go – because then – my world will change and I will change and I might not have any friend or companions anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot exist without friend and companions – I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that the necessity of and addiction to friends and companions only derive of the mind’s ego – because the mind’s ego constantly and continuously require confirmation, validation and justification for it’s own existence as ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’ of what is ‘right’ in ‘my eyes’ – the ‘eyes’ of the mind that see and look from a one-dimensional perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe I am three-dimensional – the physical manifested existence is three dimensional in expression – I exist as the mind – as the picture defined I see in the mirror – the reflection of me as the one-dimensional existence of me that I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain the limitation of the one-dimensional existence of me that I have become as the ego of the mind – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from creation as me – the three dimensional physical manifested universe – the trinity as one as I am as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed total limitation to exist within and as myself by holding on to ego no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sex and sexuality – the ego of the mind’s enjoyment and pleasure centre – sex being that absolute ample opportunity for the ego of the mind to regenerate and rejuvenate as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to transform myself from a girl to a woman to a mother/wife within and of the unified consciousness field – because I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the unified consciousness field and must thus conform, condition and shape me according to the cycles of consciousness existence – transforming and transfiguring me to survive by the law of the unified consciousness field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by the law of conscious unified field within this world – to be supported and ‘taken care of’ by the ‘hands of God’ as the unified consciousness field – my creation as the mind’s creation – where egos support egos in the synchronized formations of relationships such as marriage and friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape, conform and condition myself within and of the unified consciousness field from girl, to woman to mother/wife in preparation through ‘life/living’ cycles of consciousness unified field – to become the ego of the mind that
I have defined as who I am – ‘lost’ within my creation as the mind’s creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a girl

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone refers to me as WOMAN

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged
the word woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judged the word woman as bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to have defines 'woman' as a girl that is now totally fucked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are a woman - you are now fucked eternally

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that by reacting to the word "woman" as ind enying that I am one - I am wanting to deny that I am fucked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing the extent to which I am fucked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the truth of me - which only intensifies the experience of inner conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing the truth of me because then i have no other choice (I hove NO CHOICE ANYWAY) but to take self-responsibility else I end up in self--hate and it's so not worth it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to resist seeing the truth of me and being self-honest about who I have allowed myself to be and become without judging myself for it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to release myself and let go of all self judgment because it is really not worth it and it's soo not needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as feminine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined feminine as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly despise myself for being a female because I have accepted and allowed myself to define femals as weak, less than and inferior - looking at myself and females through the eyes of a superior, more than, strong MALE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined males as more than,stron and superior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to address, dress, behave, act, speak, communicate, converse, participate, react, respond according to my one dimensional defined existence as woman, wife, feminine, mother, girl, lady, ma’am – the definition of me as the mother matrix system as the manifestation within this world as the polarity friction equation and conflict of right and wrong

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the Female Ego as the Mother Matrix System is the manifestation of the polarity friction and conflict between right/wrong – good/bad – positive/negative within and of the unified consciousness field – the mind as the Female Ego as the Mother Matrix system – enabling, supporting, assisting the existence of the polarity frictions and conflicts manifestations within of the unified consciousness field as this systematic reality we call ‘world experience’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for me as the Female Ego as what I have accepted and allowed to manifest, support and enable within this world as the polarity friction and conflict of the unified consciousness field – through shame, sorrow and regret for all that I have caused and for all that I am individually responsible for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘sell myself’ to the unified consciousness field of the mind / the systematic reality in becoming the Female Ego and design, conform and condition myself like and as all other woman / females within this world to assist and support each other as the Female Ego in assisting and supporting the unified consciousness field that can only exist within and of polarity friction and movement – because I feared to stand up for me – to stand up for all – because of fear of death

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the consciousness unified field of as this entire world and the manifestation thereof as humanity experience themselves – require and need and depend upon human beings to define, become, be, behave, act, react within and as their self defined one-dimensional nature as the ego of the mind to exist as constant polarity friction and conflict between right/wrong – good/bad and positive/negative to generate ‘movement’ / the perception of ‘evolution’ within and of the unified consciousness field

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the children I brought into this world: Is mine and that it is my ‘responsibility’ as a mother/father – to ‘teach’ and ‘show’ them how to become the ego of the mind as I am – to exist as the polarity conflict and friction generators that generate this world as the unified consciousness field to exist and have the ability to ‘move’ as apparent ‘evolution’

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so mesmerized and hypnotized by my own mind’s ego as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become – that I do not see or hear the world as humanity crying in agony, pain and sorrow of the destruction of the world and existence as me – because I believe and perceive this world and humanity is apparently evolving - I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that this world is evolving into the true nature of man stepping forth – the nature of man as the destruction of self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so pre occupied and indulged in my ego that I do not see what is actually happening - what is actually going on in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by my own ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the mind clouden my view from what is really HERE

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise that the children of the world, the animal kingdom and nature is here to show those that has gone before them – what they have accepted and allowed themselves to become: Raping life, torturing life, abusing life, killing life, destroying life – the mind the infestation, the disease within and as human beings ruining the innocence of life expression as the children, nature and the animal kingdom – unconditionally expressing themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbour this self hatred, self anger, self regret, self abuse, self destructive nature within me for accepting and allowing myself to be and become what I have as the mind – in this anger, hatred, regret, sorrow, sadness, remorse – I blame life – and thus – I destroy life because life made me what I am and thus I will teach and show the generations to come to be just like me – just like mom and dad – so we can destroy life together

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise – that life as who I am is innocent – and thus – I am individually responsible for me as for all that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and have become as the mind – and thus that I must stand up for me as life as all as one as equal as who I am as one and equal as all – to STOP and discontinue what I as each have accepted and allowed to manifest within this world as the experience of humanity within and as the unified consciousness field – to discontinue the suffering of innocent children, the animal kingdom and nature: Till here no further

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my innoncence as NOT VALID
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined innocene as something that doesn't make sense because it is not LOGICAL in my point of view - the view of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not ‘powerful’ enough, that I am not ‘strong’ enough to stand up and say: Till here no further to stop what I have accepted and allowed – and thus remained hidden, secluded and locked within myself in becoming the ego of the mind to just live out this life, get it over and done with and survive while I’m here – living the statement: Ah, well, I’m here so – I’ll make do with what I have until I die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t have the courage and will within me as me to stand up and say: Till here no further – and instead I accepted and allowed myself to conform, shape and condition myself according to the necessity to survive in this world, to be accepted in this world as the unified consciousness field – and thus allowed and accepted myself to ‘fall’ – fall in the love of the design as the unified consciousness field – the design of marriage and the design of family and the design of relationship – in order to be ‘noticed’ and ‘accepted’ within the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted, obsessed and possessed to the necessity and requirement of desire, appreciation, want and need from others constantly and continuously – because the ego of the mind requires being noticed and appreciated and desired to sustain itself and assert itself within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and need and require to ‘be desired’ by another – because in being desired by another – I am being noticed, accepted and appreciated – because I have not noticed, accepted and appreciated even myself yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed, possessed, hypnotized and mesmerized by the one dimensional picture presentation of myself I see as the reflection of my mind’s projected ego I see in the mirror every day – which I have accepted and allowed myself to define as ‘who I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined, controlled, mesmerized and hypnotized with obsession, possession, desire, want and need – locking, caging and secluding myself within and as and of my own mind’s ego – lost to the decay of the of the life experience ahead until I die a slow death through ageing

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be obsessed, possessed, mesmerized and hypnotized by my own mind – my own ego as my ‘own opinion’ as ‘my point of view’ – not allowing or accepting myself to ‘look outside the box / beyond the box’ – the box the seclusion and imprisonment of my own mind’s ego that is, has to be and will always be ‘right’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want, need and desire to be loved and to be appreciated by another – I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed and accepted myself to realise the mind’s ego always want, need and desire appreciation and love from another – because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want, need and desire validation, conformation and agreement from others – I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that only the mind’s ego want, need and desire validation, confirmation and agreement from others because of it’s own inferiority, uncertainty and ‘less than’ status – that other’s ‘boost’ when they nurture my ego in agreeing with me and standing ‘by’ me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have defined my placement, my status and my stature within this world and my world as other’s world as important and valid and justifiable – according to my mind’s ego – according to what ‘I know is right’ – according to ‘my opinion’ and ‘my point of view’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be chased by the desire, want and need to be important, to be noticed, to be recognized, to be appreciated, to be accepted, to be desired, to be loved, to be wanted – all attributes of the mind’s ego I have accepted and allowed myself to become – placing myself on a pedestal in my own world – ‘more superior’ than anyone else because of ‘my opinion’, ‘my point of view’ – my one dimensional existence as the mind’s ego of what I perceive, what I have been taught and what I have learned as ‘right’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost, possessed, obsessed, mesmerized and hypnotized by my own one dimensional perspective of the self defined nature as me as the mind’s ego

Body

What I found that assists me extremely in staying stable is being aware of my body movement and position - from the perspective of the way I move - the way I sit - the way I walk - the way I stand, etc.

I have been focussing on walking straight, and swinging my arms when walking (which I didn't used to do) - sitting with a straight back - sitting with my legs in front of me so that my weight is balanced and that one leg or one hip mustn’t suffer more than the other (which eventually leads to never ending unbalance). Same with standing. Not leaning on just one leg and after awhile lean on the other one - just standing straight - pressure equalized.

Doing this I have noticed that my body pains have decreased and that I am more stable and clear within myself. To my surprise I have even been able to stay wide awake in the evenings/nights without getting tired which is quite an accomplishment for myself – and I can assure it has got nothing to do with my intake of coffee lol.

At first it was quite an adjustment because I had this habit of sitting/laying in the strangest ways - not even noticing that one of my limbs wasn't getting blood or was actually a bit in pain lol and I would only change my position if the pains got really bad lol. And I could never find positions that was actually comfortable and was too lazy to actual just sit.

So I have been pushing myself to break those habits and if I fall back into them to just correct myself. And it has been extremely helpful.

just something I wanted to share.

SF using Virus Free mind book

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to change my experience of this world.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that by playing the role of a victim I am disempowering myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reactive after an event

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be creative during in avent - seeing right through the moment instead of seeing/looking back afterwards in regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that i have no Ability to Respond and change my experience.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that an event manifested outside of myself can only inlfuence and have an effect on me if I give it permission to do so.

I forgive myself that I have blindly accepted and allowed events manifested outside of myself to unfluence, direct and control me through permission.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that anticipation as expectation brings dissapointment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that anticipation is reactive as I wait for an even to react to.

I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be inadequate when faced an event where a being expresses anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear ot anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an automated chain reaction to exist within and as me : anger-> fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically react into fear to anger - as a habbit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the reaction of fear to anger within me without stopping for a moment and seeing that it is useless to react in fear towards anger.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to STOP when a fear reaction is triggered by anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed FEAR to be my only respons to anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted adna llowed myself to fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned to fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted the fear of death to exist within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death - because that is what human beings do -- they fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 'fear of death' to be a part of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a being that fears death - as a blind acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined human beings as beings that fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear of death is that which makes me human - which makes me real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something unreal (=fear of death) could possible make me real

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be defined to be able to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be defined in order to be able to be HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being HERE' is an ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because everyone else fears death

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the fear of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed into fearing death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the reaction of fear of death become an automated reaction - a habit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to let fear of death exist within and as me without questioning it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are valid reasons to why one should fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of pain as a justification for my fear of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot live or be here without a definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my entire beingness to a definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to death with fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically react in fear to death

to the point

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be to the point - but instead go in circles because of ridicule fears of me as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'not be to the point' be a habbit of mine.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to push throught the habbits and train myself to be to th point and stand the test of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the mind and submit to my mind by not being to the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress directiveness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to in moments where I SEE that I have to be to the point - push through the resistance of circling around and just go for it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when I see that I have to be to the point and not fuck around.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to correct myself when I see that I should have been to the point - but instead wait for someone to point it out for me

thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself but isntead wait for others to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alowed myself to live in anticipation instead of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be to the point because I fear the possible outcome as the reply from the other being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work towards an outcome/result and not unconditionally express HERE.