Saturday, 15 November 2008

21 days no smoking

21 Days no Smoking

What I found interesting to note was that when I first decided to not smoke for 21 days (this was last Monday or so) was that it was very difficult and I just wanted a goddamn cigarette! So I smoked one lol. So I “fucked up” after an hour or something like that. What I saw then within my decision of not smoking for 21 days – was that I had made this decision from the starting point of directing myself through “not smoking for 21 days” and a way of ‘punishing’ myself for not having directed myself. Which is of course bullshit and kept wanting to smoke and then did so.

Then Wednesday I was smoking and I was looking inside myself and saw that I fucked because of my starting point not being clear. And I wanted to hide behind ‘because my starting point was not clear I am now allowed to smoke and I do not really have to do the 21 days’.

And I saw that that was unacceptable – I knew within myself that I have to do these 21 days eventually. And then in one single moment I killed my cigarette – walked to the most nearby trashcan in the street and threw away my tobacco and my papers away (there wasn’t much left of it anyway).

And that was cool because I felt the difference between who I was the first time I made the decision and who I was within making the same decision the second time. It was me stepping forth inside myself – me moving me. The experience was like uh – water starting to move by itself – from centre flowing outwards - without anything or anyone making it move – just moving by itself as an expression. I guess that’s how I would describe the experience of self movement. Which was quite cool haha.

And it’s cool cause I have no resistance whatsoever towards smoking cigarettes – sometimes my mind goes “hmm I’d enjoy a cig right now” but it’s just a thought and related to habits (for example: I’d smoke a cig after every meal) and then I breath – centre myself in my chest and move on. At first I reacted to people smoking around me but that’s because I expected myself to react and have all sorts of difficulties towards ‘not smoking’ lol.

What I also found is that I am simply not able to smoke a cigarette. It’s not an option – it’s ‘out of the question’ in a way. Because I cannot allow myself to accept and allow such a dishonesty to exist within me (as in not doing the 21 days and give in to the urge of smoking). And that is so cool – seeing within myself that I can do this and I will not allow myself to go there (smoking a cig).

That’s so nice.

Haha.

And it’s really easy hahahahahaha – I really expected it to be a struggle but instead it’s an expression.
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