Friday, 14 November 2008

Ponder ponder

I've been working and pondering on why I go into the experience of fear and anxiety whenever I am around people.

Why do I feel threatend? Why do I go into a defense mode? What do I want to protect? Why do I take things personally? See everything as an attack?

I want to present an image and idea to people. And this idea/image gets threatend. It feels in danger. Why would I want to present an image of myself in the first place? Why not be me here - and just be me - show me. Why would I not want to simply be myself. Am I less than an image? Am I less than an idea? Am I really such a terrible person?

No!

Yet I believe myself to be bad - really really bad. Why else would I want to present an image that I know is not even real - is this image 'better' than who I really am? Is there something TERRIBLY WRONG with me that I have to present this image and keep it up as if my life depends on it? What bullshit.
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