Monday, 3 November 2008

Practically applying and moving through the God of Man docs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built and created the perception that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as powerless in this world

Where does this perception/idea originate from?

It originates from my childhood experiences where I experienced myself to be powerless towards my parents – especially my father.
They were/are my authority figures and I must obey/submit to them and do as I am told – I as a kid have no “power” to defend myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimized myself by running off crying every time I was confronted with angry parents imprinting fear into me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the habit of going off and cry somewhere on my own every time that my status of inferiority and powerlessness was confirmed by doing what my parents tell me to do – out of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a victim towards my parents and the control they practice on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless when confronted with someone that presents himself as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my parents as authority – and in that define myself as a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear within myself – the fear of being hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear that me as a victim will be confirmed again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear of being faced with self-defeat once more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my hate unto my father for showing me what exists within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project love unto my mother because she helps me with suppressing what exists within and as me – so I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manifested a protection-mechanism within me where I go to ‘others’ looking for comfort and soothing in order to suppress the emotional and feeling turmoil existent within myself – looking for the complete opposite. So I can feel safe and secure and forget about what happened and how I reacted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of emotional and feeling turmoil within me through, as and within anger – to deal with it and keep it all in – creating a perception for myself and others that I am alright – that I am okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself through anger because I perceived anger to be more ‘stable and strong’ than the emotional, feeling turmoil which I perceived as ‘weak’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seemingly balance myself by reaching out for polarity opposites while I am actually suppressing what I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined anger as “strong and stable” as “strength”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defines strength as suppressing the weakness within myself as emotion/feeling turmoil through anger that is perceived as ‘strength’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined emotions and feelings as ‘weak’

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to define weakness as the acceptance and allowance of remaining within emotional/feeling turmoil manifested as crying due to an event/experience that had taken place with others and having others see this existence of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge myself in anger because I refuse to see myself as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in anger because I do not want to experience myself as weak – and because I do not want to be seen as weak by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build and created a protection-mechanism where I use anger – that is perceived as ‘strong’ – to suppress the emotional/feeling turmoil – perceived as weak – to protect myself by not experiencing the ‘weak’ as what I actually exist as, while protecting myself from others through manifesting myself as the perception of ‘strength’, presenting to others the illusion of ‘not being affected by the experience of even or by those who participated in it.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build/created a protection mechanism where I act out – using the emotional/feeling turmoil and physically express what is experienced within me through doing the exact same thing to another, herein protecting myself from the perspective of ‘not giving in to the authority of others’ and protecting myself from others from the perspective of revealing/showing that: If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you and even more so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception that “standing up” means “doing to another what was done unto me” – taking revenge towards another

To which persons or events do I currently still react the same way?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.

What do I do with myself when the emotions suddenly start surging up inside me as a volcano erupting as a ‘more explosive surge of emotions/feelings rising up within you’ or as a ‘storm brewing’ as a more ‘subtle’ movement of emotions/feelings culminating within you?
I first try to make sure that no one notices what I am experiencing because I do not want to be seen as weak and I try to contain and suppress the emotions within me from the moment that I am aware of them – I will try to act normal and smile and joke - then I’ll try to get away ASAP and find a place where I can be alone and just cry – seemingly not knowing why I am crying – but the feeling of being a victim is very much present then. The entire experience of the reaction comes over as being irrational and feels “ancient” in a way.

After the crying or during the crying I want no one to see me – and if someone sees me I will try to look for comfort. Or when someone comforts me without even knowing it I have the feeling to cry again.

This entire experience results in anger due to extensive suppression and self judgment – taking the entire event personally.

And then this anger I suppress as well – since I accepted this experience as a part of my self definition – not seeing the option of change.
à beliefsystem about myself and others which keeps replaying over and over throughout my life as “the way it is”


Untangling live memory

Memory:I am lying in my bed and I can hear my father coming up the stairs. He is quite heavy so you can hear him come loud and clearly. I know I am in trouble because I haven’t cleaned up my room like my mom told me to.
My heart beats really hard and fast – I feel like peeing my PJ pants.

He comes in and starts screaming in French. He talks about my mom, obeying, cleaning up room. He then drags me out of bed. I am petrified and just lie on the floor crying. He starts to kick my in my belly with his legs. I just take the entire experience and believe that there is nothing I can do but just endure it – after all the moment will pass.

After that I cry in my bed – my mom reacts to the crying and comes in to comfort me. She keeps me in a hug position, strokes my hair and goes “shhhhhhhh, it’s okaay”
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately start crying when my father came into my room all angry and screaming and beating me up – instead of standing up breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to take what was done unto me personally – but realising what he was doing it due to acceptances and allowances within himself and had nothing to do with me personally.

(Within self forgiveness à specificity = bring experience here, add realisation/insight, add as self corrective application à completeness of SF)

Practical Corrective Application in the Moment of the experience:
Breathe, stand up and not accept or allow myself to give into emotions and feelings as taking the event personally.

The realisation/insight of the Practical Corrective Application:
He is not doing it to me personally. He is merely exerting what exists of and within himself towards me that is actually himself one and equal.


Back to the memory – the physical act:
Being petrified – lying still – taking the beat – crying

Questions: What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

I experienced a tornado inside me of feelings and emotions – mostly absolute fear – within the moment that I am faced with my angry father – and this then gets intensified with me experiencing physical pain as he beats me. As if it confirms my fear.


What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

It was ‘giving into’ the emotions/feelings that I experienced in that moment within me, ‘giving in to’ was me accepting and allowing the emotions/feelings to ‘take over’ and because of this act of ‘giving in to’ emotions/feelings, I manifested the expression of and as Crying.

A complete take over and possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the emotions and feelings existent within me; of me and as me such as fear, petrification and anxiety – in the moment when my father beat me up through kicking his legs into my belly that manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotions/feelings such as fear, petrification and anxiety within me, of me and as me to ‘take over’ and posses me the moment I was beaten up by my father through him kicking me in my belly with his legs which manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

Identifying the nature of the physical action taken

Questions:

1) What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

2) What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

3) What did the other represent within their physical act of beating me up?
Treating me as ‘less then him’, making himself ‘more than me’ or ‘stronger than me’. Therefore, he represented: AUTHORITY

4) How did I experience myself within the representation of my father as ‘authority’, which he represented through his physical act of beating me up?
I experienced myself as being “belittled”, because I perceived him to be ‘more stronger than me’ because he had the ability to beat me up.I experienced me as being ‘hurt’, ‘harmed’ and ‘abused’ by him.

5) How did I confirm this experience of myself within, to myself?
Through the Act of Crying

6) What Polarity Construct was ‘playing out’ in this event?
Me, as the ‘powerless victim’ being ‘abused/harmed’ by those who establish their ‘authority as power’ to/towards me.



ASSESSMENT

I experienced myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of my father that through acts/words established his authority over/of me, that’s why I ended up crying in my bed, because I felt that I couldn’t do anything, because he was stronger than me.
I experience myself as the ‘victim’ when such a being causes me “physical pain/hurt’ as ‘abuse’ being done unto me, because there was no ‘reason’ for it and I couldn’t ‘defend’ myself.


Self Forgiveness from/of the Questions and responses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘belittled’ by and through my father that beat me up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my father as more than me and see myself as less than him, which is why I experienced myself as being “belittled”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as “less than him”, because he managed to beat me up and hurt me physically and therefore why I experienced him as “more strong than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I perceived him to be “stronger than me” and “more than me”, that little’ol me couldn’t stand up, but rather cry in bed, confirming the “less than” and “belittlement” experience existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the powerless victim in the presence of those I perceive as authority/power based on what they express towards me.

Self Forgiveness from/of the ASSESSMENT

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of those that through their acts/words establish their authority over/of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘cry in my bed’ – because I believed I couldn’t do anything – I believed I couldn’t stand up within me – because of the accepted and allowed belief that he was stronger/more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘victim’ when my father caused me physical pain through beating me up , and because of the physical pain, experienced myself as the victim,’being abused by another’.

Tracing and Identifying the manifested ‘protection-mechanism’ – through identifying the Physical Action taken after the event the Jack-in-The-Box Memory revealed

Questions:

What did I do with myself after the event occurred?
I went back into my bed and put the warm sheets over me, crawling up like a little baby. My mom then came to me to comfort me. I held her tight and she held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”

Why did I end up crying in my bed?
I went into my bed and cry because I did not know how to handle or deal with the situation. I then let my mom comfort me because I assumed that if she sees how much I am confused and in pain – that she might be able to do something to prevent this from happening again – believing that she as a grown-up (=authority) has the power to do this (=prevent this from happening again).

What did my mom do when she saw me crying?
She held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”. She did this with the intention of easing my pain. She showed me that she cared. She stayed with me till I stopped crying and calmed down and be silent. Then she left me alone to sleep in my silence.


What did I experience within me when I was with my mom according to her specific expression towards me?
I experienced comfort as she held me tight in her arms.
I experienced safety.
I experienced care
I experienced myself as being protected


ASSESSMENT
I allowed my mom to come into my bed to comfort me because I did not know how to deal or handle the situation at that moment and believed that my mother would know how to handle and help me with how I experienced myself – and prevent a situation like this from happening again. She held me tight and caressed me, stroked my hair saying “Shhhh, it’s okaay”. I felt safe, protected and being cared of. After awhile I felt calm and silent and fell asleep as if it was all just a bad dream.

Observing the actual nature of the entire experience

Questions:

What does me allowing my mom to comfort me and be with me from the perception/belief that she will know how to handle/deal with the situation/event, reveal about myself?
That I have a belief that I am not able to deal with or handle such a situation/event for myself, by myself – but would rather trust others and rely on them to figure it out – instead of assisting and supporting myself in such events/situations.

What does ‘feeling better’ only after I received comfort, soothing and care from my mother – reveal about myself?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from someone/ a source outside of myself in order to be able to deal with or handle the emotional/feeling turmoil experienced within me, after a conflicting/confrontational event.


What does the act of me allowed my mom to comfort, care and soothing me, reveal about the nature of me?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from others to only then ‘feel better’ within myself – about myself – because only then the ‘emotional/feeling’ turmoil within myself ‘goes away’, and therefore, I will allow others to come to me and give me comfort, care and soothing through physical acts of ‘holding me in their arms’ – because I know that only then, the emotional/feeling trauma ‘goes away’ (=suppressed).

What is actually really happening within me – when the emotional/feeling turmoil ‘goes away’ only after receiving comfort, care and soothing through physically being held with concerned soft words from my parents? Was I really ‘dealing’ with the even that had occurred?
No – I was not dealing with the even occurred. I suppressed it – pushed it away inside of me until I could not ‘see’ it anymore. The emotional/feeling turmoil is suppressed by replacing it with the experience I receive through physical acts as being held in my mom’s arms, through which I experience comfort/care/soothing, which ‘replace’ the ‘inner turmoil of emotions/feeling’ within à An outside physical experience, replacing the inside turmoil experienced within.Therefore, my attention is being ‘diverted’ from what I experience within, to what I’m now without.

ASSESSMENT
I have a beliefsystem about myself that I am not able to handle or deal with situations/events where I experience emotional/feeling turmoil inside of me – thus I allow others to come to me – because I believe that this other CAN , and has the power to help me handle my experience and prevent such a situation/event from happening again. When I am experiencing emotional/feeling turmoil inside of myself I believe that I have no ‘control’ over it – and that the only cure of me feeling better and silent within myself is through allowing another to sooth, comfort and care about me through physical acts such as holding me in their arms, touching and speaking words that calm me down.
I realise that I wasn’t actually dealing with the experience within myself – but just replaced one experience with a complete opposite. It is not really replaced – the first experience just gets pushed down and suppressed so that it seems that it is replaced but it is still there and it’s still not resolved.
I realise that I seek and search or wait for ‘help’ from others as an attempt to deal with an experience within myself and my world, but what actually happens is me suppressing what is experienced within myself through the receiving of help from others – instead of me standing up in and as me here and directing me one and equal to and as the moment.
Therefore, I will go to others or wait for them to come to me to suppress the experience both within and without – and this is how I “deal with” situations/experiences/events I believe I can’t handle or deal with directly one and equal here in self-honesty.
I realise that the experience of me receiving comfort, care and soothing from another is actually only diverting my attention from what is experienced within me, therefore it is suppressed within and replaced with a polarity opposite physical experience without.

The ‘Protection-Mechanism’ I exist as and ‘live out’:
In conflicting/confrontational events, I make sure I am alone and cry and wait for others to come and comfort me – because I seek protection and safety from others, within which I am comforted and soothed, protecting me from myself to not experience the emotional/feeling turmoil within, because it is replaced with my perception of ‘love’ as receiving physical expressions I experience as ‘comfort’ and ‘care’ to suppress what exist within me, and at the same time ‘hide’ within other’s ‘protection’ and ‘safety’ to not have to face those that ‘caused’ the experience within me and my world – not taking self responsibility and not directing myself - but hide and suppress.

Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others such as my mom to come and ‘help’ me with what I experience within me and my world, because I believed that I wasn’t capable or able to ‘handle’/’deal with’ or ‘direct’ the situation as me here as the moment one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘look for’ and ‘seek’ for comfort, soothing and care from others – because I believe that this is the only way to ‘deal with’ or ‘handle’/’direct’ the experience within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that I wasn’t actually really ‘dealing with’ or ‘handling’ the experience within myself through ‘waiting for others for help’ to suppress such experienced within me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a polarity system within me and as me and my world by/through suppressing what I experience within me as emotional/feeling turmoil through replacing it, in diverting my attention to physical-expressions I receive from others as comfort/care and soothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘love’ as receiving physical expressed actions from others as ‘comfort’/’care’ and soothing such as being held, hugged or caressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a ‘Protection-Mechanism’ as me as ‘waiting for others for help and comfort’ to protect me from myself through suppression and hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep repeating this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm and support the self-definition I have given myself -enhancing this self-definition every time such an event occurs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to be a part of me as the self-definition I have accepted and allowed to live as – repeating the scenario of this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm my self-definition to myself and others – as ‘who I am’ – based on past experiences and memories through which I defined myself as.


Pulling through the Jack-In-The-Box revealed construct to current time and how it still influences and affects me


Question One of Step Two: The Nature of the Physical Action:
Who and What within my world currently represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ towards whom I experience myself as ‘less than,’‘not considered,’ ‘taken for granted’ and their physical expressions of words or mannerism/behaviour causing the emotional/feeling turmoil within me, manifesting the belief of me being ‘hurt’ by them, which manifests the experience of me as being the ‘powerless victim?

I project authority unto everything and everyone. The powerless victim has become my self definition through which I live every single moment.





Question Two of Step One: The Physical Action:
Towards whom/what in my world, do I very quickly, almost instantaneously/automatically – react towards within myself, in either a ‘flurry of emotions/feelings’ within which I start crying immediately with emotions, feeling suddenly, immediately, automatically rising up within me?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.
Towards beings that yell/scream.


Mergence of Questions One and Two:
Towards whom/what within my world that in a moment of an conflicting/
confrontational situation, do I experience myself as ‘the powerless victim
being abused’ by that which represents ‘authority’ which causes me to almost
immediately, instantaneously, automatically react towards within myself in
emotions feelings that suddenly, ‘seemingly out of nowhere’ automatically
‘surge up’ inside myself?

Towards basically everyone – but with the beings mentioned in Question Two of Step One : The Physical action – it is intensified.


Question Three of Step Three: The Physical Action taken After the Event
occurred:
How do I deal with or handle sudden surges of emotional/feeling turmoil within me, when I’m faced with confrontation/conflict with another?

I try to get away asap – without showing others what I am experiencing. Once I am alone I allow myself to cry and in that confirm that I am a powerless victim. I take the event/confrontation personal and turn into self-judgment. I then suppress this experience within myself which results into anger – that compounds every time such an event occurs.



The Final Step : Identifying the Behavioural Conditioning’ as manifested physical habit that I exist as

With whom/what particular being/environment that represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ within which I experience yourself as the ‘powerless victim’ ‘without choice or right’ believing myself to be ‘disregarded,’ ‘inferiorized’ as the experience of being ‘hurt’ which causes an automatic, sudden, immediate surge of explosive/culminating emotions/feelings within
me – which manifests, for example, the ‘protection-mechanism’ wherein I ‘hide and accept the self-definition of powerless victim as myself – resulting in anger?

Whenever I am being faced with a being I place myself as inferior and the other as superior instantaneously. I believe that I have no right to speak and that the other that represents authority knows it all. I believe that I am doomed to submit myself and that I do not have to right to express myself or share my perspectives. I attempt to do everything to not get the other being angry or question me – I do everything to avoid conflict. Because I know that once there is conflict I will feel this emotional/feeling turmoil again inside myself – and I will feel like the powerless victim. And I do not want to experience this thus I stay low as my inferior placement that I placed upon myself – in order to avoid conflict – in order to not face myself as the self-defined self accepted and allowed beliefsystem that I have about myself – the self-definition I gave myself and accepted myself as and through which I live. Because I do not want to face myself and I do not want to take self-responsibility.

If conflict does occur – I totally freeze within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside of me. I wait for the right moment that I can leave and go cry on my own feeling all powerless, helpless and hopeless – the victim. I then get tired of this and get really angry. Then I suppress all of this – feel calm again and go on with my life – still going through my life every moment through the self-definition I accepted myself as – as who and what I am.


Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as ‘authority’ as ‘power’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as the ‘authoritative power’ in and as my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’ when facing other beings in a conflicting/confrontational situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘powerless victim’ towards the definition I have formed of others as being the “authoritative power”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go into’ immediate instantaneous and automatic emotional/feeling turmoil the moment I experience another acting out their ‘authoritative power’, which makes me experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’, because of my experienced reactions of surging emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the other one’s fault and that the other is to blame and the problem which cause the emotional/feeling turmoil that surge up within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that the emotional/feeling surging coming up suddenly, automatically – only exists because of the perception of me as being the ‘powerless victim’ and the perception I have formed of the other as an ‘authoritative-figure’ as the polarity opposite of what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘standing up’ and ‘not accepting being treated the way I am’ – is me secluding me in isolation and just being angry – resisting the entire event - instead of taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise – that if I attempt to fight against something, I create resistance and in that resistance, I will ‘lose’, because I am making the statement that ‘I need to fight against that which I believe is more then me’,’having power over me’ – against which I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play the game’ of ‘win/lose’ within myself in the manifested participation of me in a conflicting/confrontational situatuon/event, which in essence is a game of ‘win/lose’ as a game of ‘inferiority/superiority’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously place myself as inferior when being faced with another being – and within that place the other as superior – seeing the other as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no right to speak within the perception that the other is superior to me and represents authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately assume that the other beings knows best – knows it all – when I am faced with another being and I place myself as inferior towards this being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards another when being faced with another being – believing that I am doomed to submit myself to this other being and that I do not have the right to express myself and/or share my perspectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mysef as inferior instantaneously when being faced with another being because I want to make sure that I do not create conflict – and I believe that by placing myself as inferior I will not trigger anything in the other being and thus be able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior instantaneously because I fear the emotional/feeling turmoil that I might experience if conflict occurs – in placing myself as inferior I believe that I have less chance of triggering something in the other being – believing that I am not challenging the other being as superiority and thus am able to avoid conflict because I want to avoid the emotional/feeling turmoil within myself that will surge up if conflict occurs – and I want to avoid feeling like an angry hopeless, powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist the experience of emotional/feeling turmoil within myself because I do not want to be faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless, powerless victim because I fear and do not dare to take self-responsibility and self-directive action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze in petrification within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside me because of conflict – because I am now being faced with myself as the self-definition of myself and that’s which I fear and when faced with this I stand in total petrification, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait within this event of conflict for the right moment to leave while I do not show what (or try my best not to show) what is going on inside me – running away from myself within this –stating that I cannot handle this – stating that I am not able to deal with this through the physical act of walking away from the event which I already invited within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right moment within a conflict event to go away to then be on my own where no one can see and hear me to cry and within the crying confirm my own self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the event that happened personally.

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I was not able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a loser when conflict does occur.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the event has got nothing to do with me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event because I triggered something within another – and thus I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the other being within the position of authority as ‘untouchable’ and thus they cannot be to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in total anger within myself while crying and confirming my accepted self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim – because I am not taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility and direct myself one and equal in self honesty instead of drowning in my self pity, drowning in my confirmed self definition as a powerless, helpless victim that it in anger but not practically doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I experience within the acceptance of my self-definition of a powerless, helpless victim – accepting this as my self definition, believing that I cannot change this since I am powerless – so I push it away where I do not have to feel or see it and then go on to live out my self definition.
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