Sunday, 30 November 2008

Muziekschool

When I wrote my multiply post on my experiences with money I came across a memory of myself going to music school.

I didn’t enjoy having that memory again cause I didn’t want to be reminded of that period. I totally suppressed that time – and when the memory popped-up I was thinking “shit, it’s still there”.

So obviously – something I have to look at.

Since I was like 6 or so I had to go to music school after the regular school hours. I followed this course along with other kids where you learn about melody, rhythm, music in general.
I followed this for about 1 or 2 years – can’t remember exactly.
That course was kind of fun cause we got it in the ballet room of the school – which equals a lot of space to run around and a lot of mirrors to have fun with.

I think we also learnt how to play flute at that time.

When I was about 7-8 I had to move over to more advanced classes. I was a bit older now and all the kids had to sit at a desk/table and there was a big blackboard in front of the room just like at school – so it was like going to more school after school.

Playing time was over now, no more running around in the ballet room. We had to learn about music theory, we had to sing notes, learn Italian words by heart,… all the fun was GONE.

I was a very shy kid and did not really know anyone in my class. All the other girls came from the same school and all knew each other + they actually had talent – they had great voices. I only knew this one girl that used to be in my school but she was only distracting me during class which made it hard for me to keep up. There was also one guy – he also had a great voice and he was gay as hell ha-ha and he was so much fun.

I was always silent during classes and didn’t say a single word – unless the teacher asked me a question (but I was always in fear and anxiety of the possibility that he might ask me a question and that I might not know the answer).

First year of those new classes were quite ok – cause we had a large group so we did everything in group (so we never had to sing alone) and you could just mix in with the crowd and not be noticed lol.

But afterwards the classes either got split or many kids left. And then there were only about 15-20 of us left. Which meant we had to do stuff alone – like singing.

I fucking hated singing stupid fucking notes in front of the stupid fucking class. Ah – here comes my suppressed anger lol fucckedifuckfuckfuck.

At the beginning of every class we would sing all the notes together to warm up our voices and then I would just go “lalalaalala’ quietly not even singing just whispering or sometimes just moving with my mouth pretending I’m singing along.

Whenever I had to sing on my own there would come no sound out my mouth. I just couldn’t sing in front of all those people. And then the teacher would get angry and the kids would start laughing so then I really pushed myself to sing while suppressing crying – to at least get some notes out.

Then I would tremble for the rest of the class just being concentrated on not crying and holding it in. Once at home I would cry in my room.

A lot of times I would pretend to be sick – or just before we had to leave for my class I’d go sit on the toilet and pretend I was having major poo going on which would result in me being so late that mom said “I might as well NOT go now”. And then she was all pissed at me and say something like “you know we – your parents pay for those lessons”

Feeding me with guilt so I would feel bad and not pull such a trick again. I then just simply started skipping music school by going to sit in the public library (the library was next to the music school) and spend my time until class would be over. Or I would sit the entire class on the toilet at the music school (and I wasn’t the only kid doing this – damn there were MANY kids skipping music school) and get out when it was over.

Of course my mom found out so she took some measurements. Normally I would go home right after school and have about half an hour – 40 min to do stuff and then we had to leave for music school. During those 30-40 min I’d do everything I could – and I made up everything I could to just not having to go to music school. Sometimes it worked but most of the time it didn’t. So when we had to go I either skipped class – or just went to the class (after a while my mom made sure she saw me enter the classroom).

My mom was pretty tired of the same scenario happening over and over again and hearing and seeing me doing everything in my power to not have to go to music school.
And she was tired of me skipping music school. Thus à measurements.

She arranged it so that after regular school my guitar teacher would pick me up at school and bring me to music school straight away – a friend of my moms would bring my guitar so I wouldn’t have to worry about that (besides the normal music class I would just before have guitar class).
So it was impossible for me to ask my mom to not go – and it was impossible to go sit on the toilet at home…

At school when the bell rang at the end of the day – I would almost piss my pants knowing I had to go to music school. I was really miserable back then. I hated being at home because of my dad and I hated being out of home cause that ment music school.

Haha, I remember that on the building of the music school at the front there was this red light – and if it was on it meant a teacher was sick. So everytime we’d arrive at the school I’d be looking out the window of the car to get a glimpse of the lamp to check if it was on. And if it was I kept hoping it was one of my teachers.

I also hated studying for the exams at music school – I already had to learn stuff for regular school and now I had to learn even more. I hated everything at music school cause everything you did would get judged as in getting grades. And then your grades would hang in the hallway where everyone could see it and everyone would be comparing grades.

When we played guitar for our exam in first year it was just you and your teacher – the next year it was in front of a jury and even later you had to play in front of an entire crowd…
Thank god I quitted before that had to happen lol.

Whenever I’d enter the music school there was this YOU HAVE TO PERFORM vibe that I’d experience. You have to perform, you have to do your best and we judge you and it better be good.


At one point someone of the family commited suicide. Just after that I had to go to music school and I started crying in class – not because the person that died – but because I felt like shit at music school – and I had an excuse to why I was crying cause someone died so everyone was like aaaw poor leila.

It took my mom quite a while before she understood that I really not enjoyed going to music school.
Me saying I don’t want to go wasn’t clear enough. Me doing everything to be late wasn’t clear enough. Me skipping music school wasn’t clear enough. Me crying wasn’t clear enough – but when I cried on my knees and begging her not having to go there anymore as if my life depended on it – she started to notice something.

The day we went up there and said Leila quits was the best day of my life lol. They all tried to persuade me into staying or going to a different music school but I simply had enough.

After three years I finally got to quit – I was so happy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the time and the experience of when I went to music school – believing that this chapter was closed and to never be opened again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience total disgust while writing about music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with myself for what I experienced at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to look into the experience I had there because of the total disgust that came up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually doing myself a favour by looking into this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to forget about all of that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself the day that I quit that I would never set foot in that building ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at that time in hate, anger and regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the anger that I experienced because my mother forced me to go music school and I couldn’t do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger towards myself and my mother for not seeing what I felt back then and how she kept forcing me to go to music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt powerless, hopeless and lost because no matter what I did my mother she kept pushing me to go to music school – no matter what I did or what I felt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for in despair having cried on my knees begging my mom not to force me into going to music school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for having broken down infront of my mom – crying and begging on my knees

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt hopeless, helpless, powerless, lost and rejected because my mom did not support me but forced me into going to music school – and I couldn’t understand why she would do that and let me experience all that shit when it was obvious that I hated it – I couldn’t understand how she could be so cold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt lost because I had no one to count on – even my mother was ‘against me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt miserable because I had no one to talk to everyone was busy worrying about there own lives and I felt being all alone and just being dragged along by everything outside of myself.

I remember now that at home that everyone lived in their own little bubble – my dad would always sit in front of the tv being angry – my brother would be alone in his room being all depressed and I would almost never hear anything from him since he was in art school – my sister was being the happy intelligent good daughter – doing ballet – going to music school – being a good student at school that’s what her life seemed to be about – my mom seemed to be just trying to keep everything together and I was just being there and I was just in a total state of WTF

Lately when I have been doing self forgiveness on anger related to the past – I found that most of the anger came from confusion and not being able to understand – which I later turned into self judgment. In this ‘I don’t get it – I don’t understand – this doesn’t make sense’ state – I concluded : then it must be me – something is wrong with me.
But the core of this anger was me not being able to understand. Just a “WTF” state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry because because no one seemed to notice what I was experiencing – no one seemed to notice that I actually existed and that I actually felt something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because I saw her as the one who put me in situations such as music school where I’d experience myself as shit – and I could not understand why she would deliberatly put me there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I was the problem that I was the cause that there was something wrong with me for having to go through all of this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt abandoned because no one understood what I was experiencing or seemed to care about what I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at all and everything because it just didn’t make any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my frustration having put myself down because I didn’t get it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realise that it was all just fucked big time – it wasn’t just me lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed looking at this point because of all the self judgment that I had about this point – believing that if I would look into this I would find big filthy shit – but instead of realising that by looking into this point I am doing myself a favour – I am allowing myself to be intimate with me and I allow myself clarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself clarity because of fear of what I might find within this clarity – expecting and anticipating something terrible,horrible, bad
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