Thursday, 13 November 2008

Releasing

MEMORY

This was in primary school I think.
I had cut alot of herbs and plants out from the garden and put them in a can of water and closed it. A friend of mine had told me that if you put a certain plant in a closed bottle of water for a night or two that you get this mix that you can use to put on plants cause it kills the little bugs that eat the plants.

So I was like oooh cool, plants and herbs and shit. So I just took random plants (not even the ones my friend told would help hihi I just liked the idea of doing stuff with plants so that’s what I did) and flowers and herbs and put them in this can thing and put a lid on it. Because I knew that my mom would find it ridiculous that I was doing this and silly I hid the can in my trashcan in my room, underneath some old newspapers and stuff.

Then a few days later I am sitting in the living room doing some stuff and I hear my mom talking to my brother. I know they are looking at me and I can hear them but they don’t know that. My mom then starts to tell my brother how she found this can filled with water and plants and shit in my trashcan and how she was surprised to find it cause she thought it was silly and stupid and assumed that I had stopped “being a little baby” and they both laughed.

I felt really angry – I did not understand what was wrong with me doing shit like that. And I was amazed that my mom had found the can in my trashcan. So I then went upstairs with tears in my eyes still being very angry.

Then I took the bottle and just threw everything away while crying and judging myself for having been so “silly” and like “ a baby”.

I then wanted to appear strong and suppressed the experience because I did not want anyone to know that I was hurt – and I decided that I would never share anything with anyone cause all everyone does is judge and I end up feeling hurt.


Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother judged my expression as in doing stuff with plants and shared her judgment with my brother who agreed with her and laughed along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because she judged what I did and shared it with my brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt as if I had been stabbed in my back because they were judging me behind my back and laughing about me as if I am a ridiculous little baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother said that she had assumed that I stopped being ‘a baby’ a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother said that I wasn’t acting my age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my brother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become angry within myself but not do anything as I perceived my mother and my brother to be authority and I could not say anything to them – because of the belief that it is useless to express yourself towards authority as they will just wave you away as if you’re an annoying little fly and not listen and not take you serious

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have said anything to them because I perceived myself as small and them as big (adults) and that there was no use in saying something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as powerless towards my mother and brother simply because they are adults and kids have to obey adults cause they are always right and know everything better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn against myself and be angry towards myself because ‘look what I did – doing stupid silly stuff like that – stupid me – of course they are all laughing at me I’m just stupid silly and ridiculous’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind and self judgment by the physical act of just throwing everything away saying to myself that I’m just silly and that I just stop doing stuff like that cause it is seen as ridiculous – and if mom and brother say that it’s ridiculous then it must be so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that it is just not worth it and that I might as well just throw everything away and “adapt” myself and ‘get over’ myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there was something wrong with me because I could not understand why I was being ridiculous and then just assumed that it had to do with me and it was my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my moms judgment my own

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my mom was simply revealing the judgments existent within her due to acceptances and allowances within herself – me simply reflecting this – but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have stood up within myself when I heard my mom judge my expression and not allow her judgment affect me in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped expressing myself unconditionally out of the fear of being ridiculed and feeling hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is simply not worth it to express myself if I just get ridiculed and laughed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being laughed with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being humiliated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression because I did not want others to know that there was something wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prented that I don’t care and present myself as strong and stable while I am unstable within myself and feel vulnerable – ready to get hurt and cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something wrong and then being laughed at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when beings laugh with what I say or do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather do things on my own because I fear what other beings might say about it and what they think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself unconditionally because I fear getting hurt again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when standing within vulnerability absolute that I cannot get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down after hearing what my mom said about what I did – seeing myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged and defined myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to self defeat by throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – in total anger and sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind in the moment that I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – acting according to perceptions of the mind instead of directing myself here in breath in self honesty – not allowing myself to be directed by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed limitation within me the moment I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – instead of standing up within me not allowing myself to be controlled or influenced by the reactions of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the end of my unconditional self expression within myself within the act of throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – deciding in that moment that I will never do such a thing again and that I will from now on act according to how people expect me to act – do as they do – because I feared judgment and I did not want anyone to get to me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have then started controlling my expression in such a way that I made sure that I did not say anything wrong or off the hook so that no one would judge me and made sure I was not vulnerable so that I couldn’t be touched by anyone – hurt by anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have replaced my unconditional self expression with control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out of fear of judgment and how people might react to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself thinking “oh god you did it again” when I said something and people had to laugh and I felt ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret beings laughing when I say something as me being ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be on my guard because I fear saying something wrong – I fear making a mistake



I see that when beings react to something that I say or do that it is THEIR reaction and that it has got nothing to do with me personally.
Thus I do no longer accept and allow myself to be influenced, controlled and directed by the reactions, opinions of others.
I take into consideration what beings express – but I do not take it personally.
If I move within myself (reaction) I stop – I breathe and see that it has got nothing to do with me personally – and I let go.

I do not allow myself to go into self judgment – and putting myself down.

I do no longer accept and allow myself to “live” and be stuck within constructs of the past. I do no longer accept and allow myself to hold back and suppress my expression out of fear what others might think etc.
I do not allow and accept myself to hold back out of fear of being humiliated or embarrassed – how can I be humiliated and embarrassed if I am simply just here, how can something outside of myself have power over me or affect me? It cannot – unless I allow it – give it permission to affect me

I allow myself to live.
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