Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Food

Food

Whenever I chew on something that I dislike (mostly vegetables) I get this puking spasm coming up from my stomach.
This has been so for as long as I can remember - it got better though since I got back from SA (I only noticed it at home that I was able to chew on food where I would usually react with those spasms but there was no reaction).

Where does this reaction originate from? Childhood - duh lol

When I was little I was forced to eat everything on my plate - I had to sit at the table till I ate everything and if I didn't my father would get reaaally mad - so then I just swallowed it quickly with a lot of water because I did not want to make a scene by puking and getting my father even more angry.

Emotions and feelings attached to this kind of events --> fear, anxiety and petrification

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to eating food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to food that I dislike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for disliking certain foods because my father would get angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disgust when seeing the picture presentation of food that I linked to disgust due to my father getting angry at me when I did not eat that specific food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to enjoy eating all sorts of food because I defined some foods to be disgusting because I disliked them when I was little and then was forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already expect that I will get puke spasms when I see specific food lying in my plate because I link it to past events where I refused to eat the food and then got forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the food I eat as me and while I eat transcend the ideas that I have about that particular kind of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my perception and ideas about food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past memories and events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to correct this puking spasm because I believe that I am less than it and that it is more and stronger than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything about my puking spasms with regards to food because I perceived myself as being powerless and helpless towards my father when he got angry and forced me to eat all my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused myself as my human physical body by drinking tons of water just to get the food in my stomach without having to chew on it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submit myself to my fear of my father beating me up and thus I rather do what he says and get the food down my throat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally that my father got angry at me for not eating all my food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that my fother got angry due to acceptanced and allowances within himself that he was acting out on me - but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with this puking spasms for having submitted myself to the mind - as a reminder that I am a bad person because I did not eat my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as a terrible kid because I did not eat all of my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being "a difficult kid with food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself everytime we would go eat somewhere and I did not like the food but forced myself to eat it and suppress the puking spasms because I was afraid what other people might think of me if they knew how much food I do not like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as someone who is difficult with regards to food

Memory pops up :

In primary school I had to eat at school - and this one time I refused to eat my food and the principal was there - she was a women and she then put all the food one by one in my mouth and I had to chew it. I felt so embarrassed.

Later when we got our bulletins with our grades she said my grades were great but she then made a comment about me and the food thing and the entire class started laughing. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed that I have problems with food and want to keep it hidden from everyone because I am afraid they will all laugh at me and that I will feel terrible about myself - yet again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself everytime I get face to face with food that I dislike or when people make comments on how I do not like a lot of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable when people make comments about the food I eat (or rather not eat)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my 'problem' with food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk through this point till it is done - not accepting anything less
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