Day 217: Suppression will keep me Safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an automated pattern of expressing things ‘quietly’ within the chambers of my mind / internal reality before even considering expressing / voicing myself out loud / within my external reality out of a fear of potential/possible conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as ‘safe’ to express things within my mind as thoughts and eventually backchat – where I believe that I am escaping consequence through not voicing myself out loud in my environment / external reality and within doing so avoiding any conflict that may arise from my ‘point of
view’, while still being able to ‘have my say’, even though I am the only one hearing it…

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have in no way been ‘escaping consequence’ and ‘avoiding conflict’ within keeping myself to voicing my point of view only as thoughts within my mind – as I have clearly experienced the consequence and conflict that results within, from not sharing what I have to say within a particular situation, where within me only voicing my point of view within my mind, I am the only one being able to take it into consideration and thus there is no space for others to receive my feedback and adjust/re-align points in the external reality that we share, which will thus result in the same point returning over and over again and thus me repeating my point of view within my mind over and over until it becomes a point of back chat and dream possession, where I may have possibly avoided an argument, but am now stuck with inner conflict / energy possession that I have to direct, which in the end still leads to me having to simply express/voice myself in the moment as the opportunity opens up no matter whether there is conflict forecasted or not, as this is the only way to get our external reality managed while and keeping the peace inside myself lol – there is no ‘other way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my expression in an absolute way as a result of only one / a few occasions/occurrences of violent conflict within my life in relation to expression, where from those few instances/occurrences I created an absolute, fixed, eternal ‘rule’ as to how I am now going to behave and express myself at all times no matter the context of the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my expression within tying it to the possibility of conflict (where the possibility is always there if you’re paranoid enough about it) where I created a character and personality of ‘rather keeping things for myself’, where this ‘rather’ is purely based on fear and is not really/actually any form of ‘preference’ or ‘indication of who I am’ but simply a fear-based defense mechanism where I believe I am keeping myself ‘safe’ through holding myself back

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in an attempt to ‘try and be safe’ within not speaking / expressing myself out loud within my external reality ,but resorting to suppression as internally ‘thinking about it’ – I am in fact placing myself in harm’s way as I am encouraging myself to become a danger to myself within allowing thoughts and backchat to accumulate to a point where it just ‘explodes’ and ‘needs to come out’ which even though it hasn’t happened yet, can lead to possible consequential situations/events where I can put myself and others in harm’s way through acting out a Mind Possession

Related articles

• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 394: Personal Choice and the Effect on One's Life
• Day 364 - May I speak Please Part 2
• Day 351 - Mirage of self Part 3
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 348 - Ignoring the obvious point in the Moment.

Day 216: Internalizing Conversations

When I was small I had someone in my environment that would get very loud and aggressive in conflict situations. I had all these things I wanted to say but instead of saying them I would just *think* them, as to not trigger any more unnecessary reactions from the other and instead just ‘wait out’ the rant and rage until the energy ran out.

What I noticed is that I still play out this exact pattern in situations of conflict or possible conflict – without this pattern being ‘relevant’ anymore. Meaning, I know there is nothing to fear in terms of the other person irrationally lashing out or something like that, so there is space for me to speak and nothing ‘bad’ will happen. But I have now become so accustomed to ‘thinking it’ instead of ‘speaking it’ that something will be happening in front of me and I want to point out something, that I just think it and feel like I have ‘done my part’ and can go on now with my day / life.

What would happen later though is that the point would come and cycle over and over in my head as what I wanted to say but didn’t – where I didn’t give the point an outlet but instead internalized it and then my head becomes like a haunted house with this ghost haunting me because it has no direction, nowhere to go.

Then it would even come to the point where I would dream about the same conflict point and I am like screaaaming at the other person, simply because I hadn’t spoken/expressed my point in real, physical reality, where I now have to go and ‘let it out’ in my dreams, but by that time the point has accumulated to such an extent that how I behave in the dream is completely out of line and then I wake up in the morning going wtf, I have some stuff to sort out lol.

So this is obviously not cool that a singular point of holding back has to travel through all these dimensions to be ‘heard’ and ‘seen’ by me before I will consider actually working with the point, which is what I will work on next.

Related articles

• Facing The Storms Of Life By Yourself - Day 409
• The Torment of Being Falsely Accused - Day 405
• Control The Way You React to Life's Daily Drawbacks - Day 411
• Why Do We Resent Successful People? - Day 384
• Day 202 - Religion of Self
• Day 374: Universal Secrets of Automation as Keys for Success
• Day 409: The Internal Politics of the Mind / Consciousness - Part 2

Day 215: Arguments of Convenience – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of futility and ridiculousness whenever I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that no-one is imposing this experience on me but me -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body and focus on the task at hand

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of guilt when I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the guilt forms part of the Policeman in the Head Morality Construct -- where I  don't need anyone to tell me anymore what I should and shouldn't do as I have already internalized the values of the system within me, where I feel guilt and shame towards the policeman in my head within doing something which I labeled as 'non-productive'. I commit myself to breathe, let go of the energetic charge as guilt as I see and realise that I am both the observer as the policeman and the observed as the one experiencing the guilt and I make the directive decision to not participate in either -- and to be here as breath, within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself looking at an activity which I know within myself I should really do now / seeing that this point requires attention NOW but experience resistance in relation to the point upon which I then conjure up the thought/excuse 'that this is not a productive activity'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely coming up with the excuse that 'it is not productive' as reason/justification why it is okay for me to not do this right now and to cover up/disguise the actual experience of inherent resistance towards the activity/task -- where I make it seem like it is 'nothing personal', but just that 'it's not productive' where playing out this theatric I am attempting to show/tell myself that 'there is nothing going on here' and can just 'continue to go about my business' and thus I commit myself to stop the kidding of myself and instead acknowledge the presence of resistance and allow myself to push through / work with the point instead of painting it to be something else

When and as I see myself downplaying the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration as acts of self-intimacy within telling myself 'not now' and 'this isn't helping anyone right now' -- I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am kidding myself / sabotaging myself because I have seen and realised and understood the importance of self-intimacy for the development of self-honesty as an important point to bring about change within this world and is not something to just be 'waved away'. I thus commit myself to remind myself of what I have seen and realised and to deal with any resistances that come up within the moment towards the point of self-intimacy

When and as I see myself being faced with a task which needs to be done which could be categorized as 'productive' but experience resistance towards the point/activity/task and then conjure up the thought that 'I need some time for myself' as an excuse to not deal with the point, where I rather go do some writing or exercise -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dress up my decision as being 'principle based' by conjuring up thoughts as arguments which conveniently suit the situation as what I want to do per the energy I am experiencing. I thus commit myself to acknowledge the experience of resistance, that it is just a matter of 'me not wanting to do it' and move myself to do it as a self-directive self-moved decision to show to myself that I can move myself beyond energy and I commit myself to investigate the nature of the resistance so that I can practically work through it

Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

When and as I see myself contemplating a particular activity whereby I am checking whether the following activity will be productive in monetary terms in some way or another, and then use this variable as part of my decision making as to why I should or shouldn’t do something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that we currently live in a system which is money driven as a reflection of the values we uphold, but this does not mean that these are the values we should uphold. I thus commit myself to re-evaluate where I am standing, where my values are at and make my decision on what needs to be done which may or may not be related to monetary advancement / productivity.

When and as I see myself react to someone telling me to ‘stop it’ or ‘get over it already’, wherein I perceive their remark as being an indicator that I am ‘being ridiculous’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I decide who I am in every moment and thus I commit myself to be here within breath, check my starting point and ‘who I am’ in relation to the activity I am dong – and accordingly either stop or continue with the activity depending on my feedback within self-investigation

When and as I see myself evaluating/analyzing the ‘worthwhileness’ of an activity based on its monetary returns (either directly or indirectly) – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that we are currently living in a world where only money determines what is worthwhile, yet this is not what should be valued – and so I commit myself to relinquish the rule that ‘only those activities which will provide monetary gain in some way or another are worthwhile’ and to adopt an approach of balance where I tend to those activities which require to be done within the context of the current system and to those activities which are in alignment with a system that is best for all and cares for life

When and as I see myself evaluating activities based on the motto ‘Time is Money’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that as long as we all live by this motto we will never have / find a way out of it – as the solution lies outside money being the solitary value in life. I commit myself to breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and remind myself of what really matters and what steps are required to be taken to get to a different way of life

When and as I see myself accessing an energy of ridiculousness in relation to having been told that I must stop what I am doing and do something which is more in alignment in this world in order to be taken seriously – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that the remark is nothing personal but merely indicates the speakers acceptance and allowance as defeat within having submitted to ‘the way things are’ where one should just ‘make the best of it’ and not ‘waste one’s time pursuing change’. I commit myself to ground myself within and as my human physical body, within breath, to release / let go of any energy and to further investigate any reactions within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself accessing an energy of ‘hurt’ in relation to how my parents treated me in terms of ‘prepping me for this world’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that they were merely doing what they thought was right / would provide me with the necessary survival skills to have some sort of ‘nice life’ within the system. I commit myself to forgive my parents as myself and walk as the solution / example as how I would have like to have been treated

Related articles

• Day 212: Time is Money
• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money
• Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
• Day 334 - Projecting me into tomorrow.
• Day 361 ‚I' am Not: „I don't want to do my responsibilities"!
• Day 364 Justifying my Resistance through „I just don't want to do my responsibilities, that's it."
• Day 367 Why do I fear going to another country? Imaginations? Movies?
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Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ridiculousness and futility whenever I am doing something which could be perceived/labelled as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of guilt whenever I am doing something / participating within something which could be perceived as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at all times be productive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have turned the concept of 'unproductivity' into an excuse -- where I have accepted and allowed myself to bring it up as a reason as to why doing something or investigating a point which is in relation to developing self-intimacy and self-understanding is not 'what I should do now' and manipulate myself into skipping / postponing the activity under the guise that 'it's not productive', while I am merely just resisting the point of exploring and developing self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within not doing things which require me to work on myself as a being, where I use the reason / excuse that 'it is not productive' to make myself feel 'okay' with not doing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I don't take the time out for myself to work on myself then I cannot expect others to do the same and thus cannot expect this world to change any time soon -- as the very system of 'productivity' and 'infinite economic growth' is merely the result/outcome/consequence of our human nature which we accepted and allowed collectively and thus unless we do something about our nature, the system will remain the same as an equal and one reflection of who we are -- and thus as long as I allow myself to postpone self-change I am postponing the change of the system and will always find myself in a 'productivity trap'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to downplay the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration within the belief that it 'doesn't help anyone else' -- not seeing and realising that change starts with self and that if no-one takes out the time to change themselves we will always believe that we are unable to change and remain victims of our own stupidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my 'productivity' argument at times when I don't want to do a point of self-intimacy / working on myself and then at other times use the 'I need time for myself' argument when I don't feel like doing something which could be categorized as 'productive'-- where these arguments conveniently pop up according to what I want to do instead of what needs to be done / what would be best for all -- where I allow energy to determine the 'reasoning applicable in the moment' to manipulate my way into always 'doing what I want' instead of using practical common sense within 'doing what needs to be done', where my preferences only come secondary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swing from one side to the other where I will either focus too much on productivity and too little on self-development, or too much on self-development and too little of productivity -- where I do not allow myself to line out a practical balance because obviously both points require to be addressed

Related articles

• Day 212: Time is Money
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 353 - Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

Day 212: Time is Money

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined everything which is not in relation to money making and one's personal advancement within the system as 'ridiculous' and 'a waste of time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed as a child that when my parents told me to stop doing something or 'get over it already', when I was busy doing something just because it was fun for myself / interesting -- have believed that I was being 'ridiculous' participating in such activities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only activities which will directly or indirectly give me a) money or b) and advantage in the system -- are activities worthwhile pursuing/participating within and are deemed as 'acceptable' and 'normal' and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deemed any activity that will not in any way get me money or an advantage in the system as 'pointless' and 'ridiculous'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have adopted the 'time is money' motto within categorizing and labeling activities as either worthwhile or pointless/ridiculous -- depending on their relationship to money/success -- where Time is Money and thus any Time spent which will not give A Return of Money or as Success is Irrational and should immediately be abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my parents' remarks personal, within believing that I as a being was essentially ridiculous for doing the things I do and should stop what I do and change to be more in alignment with what the world does to be taken seriously

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it was nothing personal, where my parents believed they were doing 'the right thing' within prepping me to become a proper Homo Economicus from a young age, so I would leave behind anything which might hold me back in the system and only focus on / develop those points within myself which will allow me to gain an advantage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined playing with/exploring nature and the physical body as 'ridiculous', 'pointless' and 'a waste of time' and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is only pointless and ridiculous within the rules and standards of the current system which only cares about money and is thus not pointless/ridiculous in itself / its beingness but only when one is trying to live by the rules and values of the money system where the only thing that matters is money and success and no time/space is given to intimacy in relation to the physical world we live in

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 177: Relating Intelligence to Money, Mistakes
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 169: The Intelligent Thing is to Give Up Intelligence For Your Survival

Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

The other day I found an open space in my schedule of about 20-30 min and I was wondering what I could do. My body was a bit tired from the activities of the day so I was looking at doing something restful, and then decided I wanted to do some progressive muscle relaxation (where you start with your toes and tighten the muscles of your toes and then let them relax, and so go through all the muscles/limbs of your body until you end with your head). I then imagined myself doing it and became quite uncomfortable, where within me imagining myself doing it, I was 'looking at it' as if I was 'someone else' and then thought that this exercise is/looks ridiculous and suddenly I became embarrassed that I wanted to do it and then I ended up not doing it.

I then remembered how when I was a kid and wanted to do stuff to explore nature/myself as my body -- my mother would eventually notice it / find out about it and make remarks that 'I was being ridiculous' and 'shouldn't bother with these things'. They were regarded as childish phases which my mom was waiting for me to go through/transition so that I could 'get back down to Earth' and leave my fantasies behind and focus more on things like studying, reading or whatever was going to prepare me for the 'Real World', which was basically the 'Money World'. Obviously, there was no time and space to explore nature/our bodies in the world of money and was considered to 'just be a waste of time' and something that'll 'get you nowhere'. So then I would shamefully stop whatever I was doing, and be embarrassed that my mother still had to point out to me 'at this age' that I should occupy myself with other things.

Initially when I explored spirituality and in the end Desteni I always felt uncomfortable about it because it wasn't anything that was 'going to make me money' and 'get me somewhere in this world'. So I wasn't particularly open about it when I was for instance browsing through the website (if my mother would come in I would quickly close the browser) or doing Self-Forgiveness, or just sitting/lying and practicing 4 count Breathing. I felt like I was busy doing something ridiculous and should just quit it already. So now when I am faced with opportunities where I can explore my body or do things like Self Forgiveness out loud -- I feel embarrassed and ridiculous because "c'mon -- who does that??" (lol, here I now also remember all the snide remarks and comments from my friends when I would talk about things like getting in touch with yourself). For instance, at the end of one of our 'baby-talks' with Bernard and the Fetus, he said I should investigate what each vertebrae of my spine stands for, within utilizing breath. I said 'ok' -- but was thinking that I should probably not even bother, because there's no way I can do this. And the reason why I thought it was because I was judging it as 'ridiculous' and 'stupid' and there's no way I am going to waste my time on this 'fantasy stuff' and should do more productive things. So within knowing that I wasn't going to do it I already made up my mind that I wasn't going to be able to do it. And I remember the first time I practiced I was having such a hard time even getting AWARE of my spine and in a way 'finding my spine in my body', that I wanted to give up almost immediately and that 'I don't need to do this stupid shit, see it doesn't work it's just a fantasy, I'm just going to stop now and do more important things that actually matter' (though there I did just continue practicing until I fell asleep)

So even now when I want to do the spine thing or things like progressive muscle relaxation to practice being more here with and as my body -- the 'ridiculous' paranoia comes and shows its face and immediately basically be 'bullies me down' into not doing it or giving up almost immediately. So this is a point I want to look at and investigate, how things that are actually relevant are made to be 'ridiculous' and those things that don't matter have taken on Godly proportions like the money system. (Not that money doesn't matter, but that the values our current money system represents are distorted).

Related articles

• Day 364 - May I speak Please Part 2
• Day 33 - Forgive me Father for I have Sinned!
• Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 209: Correcting instead of Sidestepping
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 229: Can Equality only be Achieved through Inequality? | Equality and Human Rights - Part 7
• Day 225: Equality and Disinformation - Equality and Human Rights - Part 4
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