The other day I found an open space in my schedule of about
20-30 min and I was wondering what I could do. My body was a bit tired from the
activities of the day so I was looking at doing something restful, and then
decided I wanted to do some progressive muscle relaxation (where you start with
your toes and tighten the muscles of your toes and then let them relax, and so
go through all the muscles/limbs of your body until you end with your head). I
then imagined myself doing it and became quite uncomfortable, where within me
imagining myself doing it, I was 'looking at it' as if I was 'someone else' and
then thought that this exercise is/looks ridiculous and suddenly I became embarrassed
that I wanted to do it and then I ended up not doing it.
I then remembered how when I was a kid and wanted to do
stuff to explore nature/myself as my body -- my mother would eventually notice
it / find out about it and make remarks that 'I was being ridiculous' and
'shouldn't bother with these things'. They were regarded as childish phases
which my mom was waiting for me to go through/transition so that I could 'get
back down to Earth' and leave my fantasies behind and focus more on things like
studying, reading or whatever was going to prepare me for the 'Real World',
which was basically the 'Money World'. Obviously, there was no time and space
to explore nature/our bodies in the world of money and was considered to 'just
be a waste of time' and something that'll 'get you nowhere'. So then I would
shamefully stop whatever I was doing, and be embarrassed that my mother still
had to point out to me 'at this age' that I should occupy myself with other
things.
Initially when I explored spirituality and in the end
Desteni I always felt uncomfortable about it because it wasn't anything that
was 'going to make me money' and 'get me somewhere in this world'. So I wasn't
particularly open about it when I was for instance browsing through the website
(if my mother would come in I would quickly close the browser) or doing
Self-Forgiveness, or just sitting/lying and practicing 4 count Breathing. I
felt like I was busy doing something ridiculous and should just quit it
already. So now when I am faced with opportunities where I can explore my body
or do things like Self Forgiveness out loud -- I feel embarrassed and
ridiculous because "c'mon -- who does that??" (lol, here I now also
remember all the snide remarks and comments from my friends when I would talk
about things like getting in touch with yourself). For instance, at the end of
one of our 'baby-talks' with Bernard and the Fetus, he said I should
investigate what each vertebrae of my spine stands for, within utilizing
breath. I said 'ok' -- but was thinking that I should probably not even bother,
because there's no way I can do this. And the reason why I thought it was
because I was judging it as 'ridiculous' and 'stupid' and there's no way I am
going to waste my time on this 'fantasy stuff' and should do more productive
things. So within knowing that I wasn't going to do it I already made up my
mind that I wasn't going to be able to do it. And I remember the first time I
practiced I was having such a hard time even getting AWARE of my spine and in a
way 'finding my spine in my body', that I wanted to give up almost immediately
and that 'I don't need to do this stupid shit, see it doesn't work it's just a
fantasy, I'm just going to stop now and do more important things that actually
matter' (though there I did just continue practicing until I fell asleep)
So even now when I want to do the spine thing or things like
progressive muscle relaxation to practice being more here with and as my body
-- the 'ridiculous' paranoia comes and shows its face and immediately basically
be 'bullies me down' into not doing it or giving up almost immediately. So this
is a point I want to look at and investigate, how things that are actually
relevant are made to be 'ridiculous' and those things that don't matter have
taken on Godly proportions like the money system. (Not that money doesn't
matter, but that the values our current money system represents are distorted).
