Muziekschool

When I wrote my multiply post on my experiences with money I came across a memory of myself going to music school.

I didn’t enjoy having that memory again cause I didn’t want to be reminded of that period. I totally suppressed that time – and when the memory popped-up I was thinking “shit, it’s still there”.

So obviously – something I have to look at.

Since I was like 6 or so I had to go to music school after the regular school hours. I followed this course along with other kids where you learn about melody, rhythm, music in general.
I followed this for about 1 or 2 years – can’t remember exactly.
That course was kind of fun cause we got it in the ballet room of the school – which equals a lot of space to run around and a lot of mirrors to have fun with.

I think we also learnt how to play flute at that time.

When I was about 7-8 I had to move over to more advanced classes. I was a bit older now and all the kids had to sit at a desk/table and there was a big blackboard in front of the room just like at school – so it was like going to more school after school.

Playing time was over now, no more running around in the ballet room. We had to learn about music theory, we had to sing notes, learn Italian words by heart,… all the fun was GONE.

I was a very shy kid and did not really know anyone in my class. All the other girls came from the same school and all knew each other + they actually had talent – they had great voices. I only knew this one girl that used to be in my school but she was only distracting me during class which made it hard for me to keep up. There was also one guy – he also had a great voice and he was gay as hell ha-ha and he was so much fun.

I was always silent during classes and didn’t say a single word – unless the teacher asked me a question (but I was always in fear and anxiety of the possibility that he might ask me a question and that I might not know the answer).

First year of those new classes were quite ok – cause we had a large group so we did everything in group (so we never had to sing alone) and you could just mix in with the crowd and not be noticed lol.

But afterwards the classes either got split or many kids left. And then there were only about 15-20 of us left. Which meant we had to do stuff alone – like singing.

I fucking hated singing stupid fucking notes in front of the stupid fucking class. Ah – here comes my suppressed anger lol fucckedifuckfuckfuck.

At the beginning of every class we would sing all the notes together to warm up our voices and then I would just go “lalalaalala’ quietly not even singing just whispering or sometimes just moving with my mouth pretending I’m singing along.

Whenever I had to sing on my own there would come no sound out my mouth. I just couldn’t sing in front of all those people. And then the teacher would get angry and the kids would start laughing so then I really pushed myself to sing while suppressing crying – to at least get some notes out.

Then I would tremble for the rest of the class just being concentrated on not crying and holding it in. Once at home I would cry in my room.

A lot of times I would pretend to be sick – or just before we had to leave for my class I’d go sit on the toilet and pretend I was having major poo going on which would result in me being so late that mom said “I might as well NOT go now”. And then she was all pissed at me and say something like “you know we – your parents pay for those lessons”

Feeding me with guilt so I would feel bad and not pull such a trick again. I then just simply started skipping music school by going to sit in the public library (the library was next to the music school) and spend my time until class would be over. Or I would sit the entire class on the toilet at the music school (and I wasn’t the only kid doing this – damn there were MANY kids skipping music school) and get out when it was over.

Of course my mom found out so she took some measurements. Normally I would go home right after school and have about half an hour – 40 min to do stuff and then we had to leave for music school. During those 30-40 min I’d do everything I could – and I made up everything I could to just not having to go to music school. Sometimes it worked but most of the time it didn’t. So when we had to go I either skipped class – or just went to the class (after a while my mom made sure she saw me enter the classroom).

My mom was pretty tired of the same scenario happening over and over again and hearing and seeing me doing everything in my power to not have to go to music school.
And she was tired of me skipping music school. Thus à measurements.

She arranged it so that after regular school my guitar teacher would pick me up at school and bring me to music school straight away – a friend of my moms would bring my guitar so I wouldn’t have to worry about that (besides the normal music class I would just before have guitar class).
So it was impossible for me to ask my mom to not go – and it was impossible to go sit on the toilet at home…

At school when the bell rang at the end of the day – I would almost piss my pants knowing I had to go to music school. I was really miserable back then. I hated being at home because of my dad and I hated being out of home cause that ment music school.

Haha, I remember that on the building of the music school at the front there was this red light – and if it was on it meant a teacher was sick. So everytime we’d arrive at the school I’d be looking out the window of the car to get a glimpse of the lamp to check if it was on. And if it was I kept hoping it was one of my teachers.

I also hated studying for the exams at music school – I already had to learn stuff for regular school and now I had to learn even more. I hated everything at music school cause everything you did would get judged as in getting grades. And then your grades would hang in the hallway where everyone could see it and everyone would be comparing grades.

When we played guitar for our exam in first year it was just you and your teacher – the next year it was in front of a jury and even later you had to play in front of an entire crowd…
Thank god I quitted before that had to happen lol.

Whenever I’d enter the music school there was this YOU HAVE TO PERFORM vibe that I’d experience. You have to perform, you have to do your best and we judge you and it better be good.


At one point someone of the family commited suicide. Just after that I had to go to music school and I started crying in class – not because the person that died – but because I felt like shit at music school – and I had an excuse to why I was crying cause someone died so everyone was like aaaw poor leila.

It took my mom quite a while before she understood that I really not enjoyed going to music school.
Me saying I don’t want to go wasn’t clear enough. Me doing everything to be late wasn’t clear enough. Me skipping music school wasn’t clear enough. Me crying wasn’t clear enough – but when I cried on my knees and begging her not having to go there anymore as if my life depended on it – she started to notice something.

The day we went up there and said Leila quits was the best day of my life lol. They all tried to persuade me into staying or going to a different music school but I simply had enough.

After three years I finally got to quit – I was so happy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the time and the experience of when I went to music school – believing that this chapter was closed and to never be opened again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience total disgust while writing about music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with myself for what I experienced at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to look into the experience I had there because of the total disgust that came up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually doing myself a favour by looking into this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to forget about all of that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself the day that I quit that I would never set foot in that building ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at that time in hate, anger and regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the anger that I experienced because my mother forced me to go music school and I couldn’t do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger towards myself and my mother for not seeing what I felt back then and how she kept forcing me to go to music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt powerless, hopeless and lost because no matter what I did my mother she kept pushing me to go to music school – no matter what I did or what I felt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for in despair having cried on my knees begging my mom not to force me into going to music school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for having broken down infront of my mom – crying and begging on my knees

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt hopeless, helpless, powerless, lost and rejected because my mom did not support me but forced me into going to music school – and I couldn’t understand why she would do that and let me experience all that shit when it was obvious that I hated it – I couldn’t understand how she could be so cold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt lost because I had no one to count on – even my mother was ‘against me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt miserable because I had no one to talk to everyone was busy worrying about there own lives and I felt being all alone and just being dragged along by everything outside of myself.

I remember now that at home that everyone lived in their own little bubble – my dad would always sit in front of the tv being angry – my brother would be alone in his room being all depressed and I would almost never hear anything from him since he was in art school – my sister was being the happy intelligent good daughter – doing ballet – going to music school – being a good student at school that’s what her life seemed to be about – my mom seemed to be just trying to keep everything together and I was just being there and I was just in a total state of WTF

Lately when I have been doing self forgiveness on anger related to the past – I found that most of the anger came from confusion and not being able to understand – which I later turned into self judgment. In this ‘I don’t get it – I don’t understand – this doesn’t make sense’ state – I concluded : then it must be me – something is wrong with me.
But the core of this anger was me not being able to understand. Just a “WTF” state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry because because no one seemed to notice what I was experiencing – no one seemed to notice that I actually existed and that I actually felt something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because I saw her as the one who put me in situations such as music school where I’d experience myself as shit – and I could not understand why she would deliberatly put me there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I was the problem that I was the cause that there was something wrong with me for having to go through all of this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt abandoned because no one understood what I was experiencing or seemed to care about what I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at all and everything because it just didn’t make any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my frustration having put myself down because I didn’t get it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realise that it was all just fucked big time – it wasn’t just me lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed looking at this point because of all the self judgment that I had about this point – believing that if I would look into this I would find big filthy shit – but instead of realising that by looking into this point I am doing myself a favour – I am allowing myself to be intimate with me and I allow myself clarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself clarity because of fear of what I might find within this clarity – expecting and anticipating something terrible,horrible, bad

Getting them constructs out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my frustration, fear and anxiety unto the matrix as a system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the matrix as ‘something out there’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that my mind is the actual matrix.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually frustrated, in fear and anxiety towards myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger, frustration, fear and anxiety within me through believing or thinking that I am powerless in the face of the system as my mind of emotions and thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the ‘anger and resistance I experience towards the system’ is actually the anger, resistance, frustration towards me, because I have accepted and allowed this experience within me and I did not stop it

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop what I accept and allow to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thoughts, feelings and emotions to fuck with me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be stable within self-trust – instead of crashing down every time I perceive I’m being questioned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear creating a time loop

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stick with my self trust because I fear I might be wrong and I fear creating a time loop and experiencing this all over again but then intensified

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes because I fear consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather ask others for direction instead of trusting myself because I fear being wrong/making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone outside of myself knows what is the “right thing to do”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather trust other people so when something goes wrong I can blame them and shift my responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not in the right position of trusting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a rule for myself : that I am not able/allowed to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created rules and standards for myself by which I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear that if I do trust myself and it turns out that I wrong that I will look back at myself in regret and judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear other people their judgment and what they think of me if I’d trust myself when in the end it turns out to be a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes out of fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself out of fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take mistakes personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take judgment personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself because I would rather listen to other beings and do as they perceive to be fit instead of trusting myself because I immediately assume that they know best and that I am wrong and that it’s better to listen to others

Okaaay, I better dig deeper into that last one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed self trust within suppressing self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated self trust from self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself self trust within denying myself self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live in accordance of my own true self as me here in self trust self honesty and self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be courageous enough to trust myself unconditionally and within that express myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my self expression through the beliefs of what is right and wrong – what is acceptable and unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped trusting myself because my expression had been judged by family and school – and thus it felt not right for me to trust myself and express myself within trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare trusting myself because I fear that it will turn out being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself and expressing myself within self trust out of fear of being judged by other thus I hold back and rather do as others tell me or suggest me to do and trust them instead of myself because then at least I am safe from their judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there is something wrong with my self expression and thus something wrong with my self trust within which I would express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have told myself that I shouldn’t trust myself because I always turned out being judged by others so I believed it was not worth it and thus I compromised myself and others within this conditioning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now feel uncomfortable with trusting myself because I am unsure whether I should really trust myself because I might get judged again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an expectation and anticipation space within myself where I participate in 24/24 – the expectation/anticipation that I will get judged

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to drop my personality as the opinion that was placed unto me as a kid – and live my own true self in self trust self honesty and self expression – to honour me to live me unconditionally HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as “not right” to trust myself because of the belief that if I trust myself I will just get hurt again – and thus I would rather do like everyone else because it is safe to be like everyone else it is safe to be a sheep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a sheep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sheep as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a sheep is my only option

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a choice : the choice that I can choose to trust myself or to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is no choice within self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can choose whether I trust myself or not lol

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by not trusting myself I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop allowing myself to trust and express myself because of fear of being touched

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep questioning my self trust as being the right thing to do – and with every ‘opportunity’ I get I question – I doubt and I stop trusting myself – instead of standing – stable HERE – no matter what, trusting myself unconditionally – taking a stand within myself and sticking to it



I see and realise that I have created a construct where I am in the constant and continuous expectation/anticipation of being judged. This brings forth fear – anxiety and I keep holding myself back within this fear and anxiety – holding back on self expression and holding back on self trust.
I see that this construct originates from my childhood where I was judged extensively by everyone at home with whatever I did – and thus I see that those judgments were not for me to be taken personal.
I see that I have created the fear and the belief that I am able of doing something wrong/making a mistake (as expression being judged this would imply “wrong”/”mistake” for me)
I see that I have to take self-responsibility for this construct and let go of living in the constant fear and anxiety (anticipation and expectation) of getting judged but push through my fears and express and trust myself unconditionally HERE in every single moment of breath – to not allow this construct to limit me – control or influence me – but for me to stand within absolute self trust, self determination and self freedom of expressing myself unconditionally absolute in every moment of breath in total self honesty HERE – living and honouring me as life.
I stop self judgment.
I am patient and gentle with myself.
Self trust is allowed lol

21 days no smoking

21 Days no Smoking

What I found interesting to note was that when I first decided to not smoke for 21 days (this was last Monday or so) was that it was very difficult and I just wanted a goddamn cigarette! So I smoked one lol. So I “fucked up” after an hour or something like that. What I saw then within my decision of not smoking for 21 days – was that I had made this decision from the starting point of directing myself through “not smoking for 21 days” and a way of ‘punishing’ myself for not having directed myself. Which is of course bullshit and kept wanting to smoke and then did so.

Then Wednesday I was smoking and I was looking inside myself and saw that I fucked because of my starting point not being clear. And I wanted to hide behind ‘because my starting point was not clear I am now allowed to smoke and I do not really have to do the 21 days’.

And I saw that that was unacceptable – I knew within myself that I have to do these 21 days eventually. And then in one single moment I killed my cigarette – walked to the most nearby trashcan in the street and threw away my tobacco and my papers away (there wasn’t much left of it anyway).

And that was cool because I felt the difference between who I was the first time I made the decision and who I was within making the same decision the second time. It was me stepping forth inside myself – me moving me. The experience was like uh – water starting to move by itself – from centre flowing outwards - without anything or anyone making it move – just moving by itself as an expression. I guess that’s how I would describe the experience of self movement. Which was quite cool haha.

And it’s cool cause I have no resistance whatsoever towards smoking cigarettes – sometimes my mind goes “hmm I’d enjoy a cig right now” but it’s just a thought and related to habits (for example: I’d smoke a cig after every meal) and then I breath – centre myself in my chest and move on. At first I reacted to people smoking around me but that’s because I expected myself to react and have all sorts of difficulties towards ‘not smoking’ lol.

What I also found is that I am simply not able to smoke a cigarette. It’s not an option – it’s ‘out of the question’ in a way. Because I cannot allow myself to accept and allow such a dishonesty to exist within me (as in not doing the 21 days and give in to the urge of smoking). And that is so cool – seeing within myself that I can do this and I will not allow myself to go there (smoking a cig).

That’s so nice.

Haha.

And it’s really easy hahahahahaha – I really expected it to be a struggle but instead it’s an expression.

Ponder ponder

I've been working and pondering on why I go into the experience of fear and anxiety whenever I am around people.

Why do I feel threatend? Why do I go into a defense mode? What do I want to protect? Why do I take things personally? See everything as an attack?

I want to present an image and idea to people. And this idea/image gets threatend. It feels in danger. Why would I want to present an image of myself in the first place? Why not be me here - and just be me - show me. Why would I not want to simply be myself. Am I less than an image? Am I less than an idea? Am I really such a terrible person?

No!

Yet I believe myself to be bad - really really bad. Why else would I want to present an image that I know is not even real - is this image 'better' than who I really am? Is there something TERRIBLY WRONG with me that I have to present this image and keep it up as if my life depends on it? What bullshit.

Releasing

MEMORY

This was in primary school I think.
I had cut alot of herbs and plants out from the garden and put them in a can of water and closed it. A friend of mine had told me that if you put a certain plant in a closed bottle of water for a night or two that you get this mix that you can use to put on plants cause it kills the little bugs that eat the plants.

So I was like oooh cool, plants and herbs and shit. So I just took random plants (not even the ones my friend told would help hihi I just liked the idea of doing stuff with plants so that’s what I did) and flowers and herbs and put them in this can thing and put a lid on it. Because I knew that my mom would find it ridiculous that I was doing this and silly I hid the can in my trashcan in my room, underneath some old newspapers and stuff.

Then a few days later I am sitting in the living room doing some stuff and I hear my mom talking to my brother. I know they are looking at me and I can hear them but they don’t know that. My mom then starts to tell my brother how she found this can filled with water and plants and shit in my trashcan and how she was surprised to find it cause she thought it was silly and stupid and assumed that I had stopped “being a little baby” and they both laughed.

I felt really angry – I did not understand what was wrong with me doing shit like that. And I was amazed that my mom had found the can in my trashcan. So I then went upstairs with tears in my eyes still being very angry.

Then I took the bottle and just threw everything away while crying and judging myself for having been so “silly” and like “ a baby”.

I then wanted to appear strong and suppressed the experience because I did not want anyone to know that I was hurt – and I decided that I would never share anything with anyone cause all everyone does is judge and I end up feeling hurt.


Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother judged my expression as in doing stuff with plants and shared her judgment with my brother who agreed with her and laughed along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because she judged what I did and shared it with my brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt as if I had been stabbed in my back because they were judging me behind my back and laughing about me as if I am a ridiculous little baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother said that she had assumed that I stopped being ‘a baby’ a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother said that I wasn’t acting my age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my brother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become angry within myself but not do anything as I perceived my mother and my brother to be authority and I could not say anything to them – because of the belief that it is useless to express yourself towards authority as they will just wave you away as if you’re an annoying little fly and not listen and not take you serious

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have said anything to them because I perceived myself as small and them as big (adults) and that there was no use in saying something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as powerless towards my mother and brother simply because they are adults and kids have to obey adults cause they are always right and know everything better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn against myself and be angry towards myself because ‘look what I did – doing stupid silly stuff like that – stupid me – of course they are all laughing at me I’m just stupid silly and ridiculous’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind and self judgment by the physical act of just throwing everything away saying to myself that I’m just silly and that I just stop doing stuff like that cause it is seen as ridiculous – and if mom and brother say that it’s ridiculous then it must be so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that it is just not worth it and that I might as well just throw everything away and “adapt” myself and ‘get over’ myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there was something wrong with me because I could not understand why I was being ridiculous and then just assumed that it had to do with me and it was my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my moms judgment my own

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my mom was simply revealing the judgments existent within her due to acceptances and allowances within herself – me simply reflecting this – but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have stood up within myself when I heard my mom judge my expression and not allow her judgment affect me in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped expressing myself unconditionally out of the fear of being ridiculed and feeling hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is simply not worth it to express myself if I just get ridiculed and laughed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being laughed with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being humiliated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression because I did not want others to know that there was something wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prented that I don’t care and present myself as strong and stable while I am unstable within myself and feel vulnerable – ready to get hurt and cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something wrong and then being laughed at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when beings laugh with what I say or do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather do things on my own because I fear what other beings might say about it and what they think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself unconditionally because I fear getting hurt again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when standing within vulnerability absolute that I cannot get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down after hearing what my mom said about what I did – seeing myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged and defined myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to self defeat by throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – in total anger and sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind in the moment that I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – acting according to perceptions of the mind instead of directing myself here in breath in self honesty – not allowing myself to be directed by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed limitation within me the moment I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – instead of standing up within me not allowing myself to be controlled or influenced by the reactions of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the end of my unconditional self expression within myself within the act of throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – deciding in that moment that I will never do such a thing again and that I will from now on act according to how people expect me to act – do as they do – because I feared judgment and I did not want anyone to get to me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have then started controlling my expression in such a way that I made sure that I did not say anything wrong or off the hook so that no one would judge me and made sure I was not vulnerable so that I couldn’t be touched by anyone – hurt by anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have replaced my unconditional self expression with control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out of fear of judgment and how people might react to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself thinking “oh god you did it again” when I said something and people had to laugh and I felt ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret beings laughing when I say something as me being ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be on my guard because I fear saying something wrong – I fear making a mistake



I see that when beings react to something that I say or do that it is THEIR reaction and that it has got nothing to do with me personally.
Thus I do no longer accept and allow myself to be influenced, controlled and directed by the reactions, opinions of others.
I take into consideration what beings express – but I do not take it personally.
If I move within myself (reaction) I stop – I breathe and see that it has got nothing to do with me personally – and I let go.

I do not allow myself to go into self judgment – and putting myself down.

I do no longer accept and allow myself to “live” and be stuck within constructs of the past. I do no longer accept and allow myself to hold back and suppress my expression out of fear what others might think etc.
I do not allow and accept myself to hold back out of fear of being humiliated or embarrassed – how can I be humiliated and embarrassed if I am simply just here, how can something outside of myself have power over me or affect me? It cannot – unless I allow it – give it permission to affect me

I allow myself to live.

expression is here - in the moment as a statement of yourself
you are clear and there is no reason involved - there is no desire for a specific outcome or result - if so --> starting point is not clear and you are being directed by the mind

a directive expression is here - clear - no second thoughts - no doubts - you stand as your expression and you walk

mind fucks

funny how I see things but then rely on my thoughts and get confused

And within my confusion I then go ask for assitance - then I interpret the assistance with my mind and fuck myself over some more
- creating an entire mindfuck to then find out I already saw the point in the beginning but I didn't dare to trust myself and to actually stand

Food

Food

Whenever I chew on something that I dislike (mostly vegetables) I get this puking spasm coming up from my stomach.
This has been so for as long as I can remember - it got better though since I got back from SA (I only noticed it at home that I was able to chew on food where I would usually react with those spasms but there was no reaction).

Where does this reaction originate from? Childhood - duh lol

When I was little I was forced to eat everything on my plate - I had to sit at the table till I ate everything and if I didn't my father would get reaaally mad - so then I just swallowed it quickly with a lot of water because I did not want to make a scene by puking and getting my father even more angry.

Emotions and feelings attached to this kind of events --> fear, anxiety and petrification

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to eating food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to food that I dislike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for disliking certain foods because my father would get angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disgust when seeing the picture presentation of food that I linked to disgust due to my father getting angry at me when I did not eat that specific food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to enjoy eating all sorts of food because I defined some foods to be disgusting because I disliked them when I was little and then was forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already expect that I will get puke spasms when I see specific food lying in my plate because I link it to past events where I refused to eat the food and then got forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the food I eat as me and while I eat transcend the ideas that I have about that particular kind of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my perception and ideas about food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past memories and events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to correct this puking spasm because I believe that I am less than it and that it is more and stronger than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything about my puking spasms with regards to food because I perceived myself as being powerless and helpless towards my father when he got angry and forced me to eat all my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused myself as my human physical body by drinking tons of water just to get the food in my stomach without having to chew on it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submit myself to my fear of my father beating me up and thus I rather do what he says and get the food down my throat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally that my father got angry at me for not eating all my food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that my fother got angry due to acceptanced and allowances within himself that he was acting out on me - but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with this puking spasms for having submitted myself to the mind - as a reminder that I am a bad person because I did not eat my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as a terrible kid because I did not eat all of my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being "a difficult kid with food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself everytime we would go eat somewhere and I did not like the food but forced myself to eat it and suppress the puking spasms because I was afraid what other people might think of me if they knew how much food I do not like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as someone who is difficult with regards to food

Memory pops up :

In primary school I had to eat at school - and this one time I refused to eat my food and the principal was there - she was a women and she then put all the food one by one in my mouth and I had to chew it. I felt so embarrassed.

Later when we got our bulletins with our grades she said my grades were great but she then made a comment about me and the food thing and the entire class started laughing. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed that I have problems with food and want to keep it hidden from everyone because I am afraid they will all laugh at me and that I will feel terrible about myself - yet again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself everytime I get face to face with food that I dislike or when people make comments on how I do not like a lot of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable when people make comments about the food I eat (or rather not eat)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my 'problem' with food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk through this point till it is done - not accepting anything less

Practically applying and moving through the God of Man docs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built and created the perception that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as powerless in this world

Where does this perception/idea originate from?

It originates from my childhood experiences where I experienced myself to be powerless towards my parents – especially my father.
They were/are my authority figures and I must obey/submit to them and do as I am told – I as a kid have no “power” to defend myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimized myself by running off crying every time I was confronted with angry parents imprinting fear into me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the habit of going off and cry somewhere on my own every time that my status of inferiority and powerlessness was confirmed by doing what my parents tell me to do – out of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a victim towards my parents and the control they practice on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless when confronted with someone that presents himself as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my parents as authority – and in that define myself as a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear within myself – the fear of being hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear that me as a victim will be confirmed again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear of being faced with self-defeat once more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my hate unto my father for showing me what exists within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project love unto my mother because she helps me with suppressing what exists within and as me – so I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manifested a protection-mechanism within me where I go to ‘others’ looking for comfort and soothing in order to suppress the emotional and feeling turmoil existent within myself – looking for the complete opposite. So I can feel safe and secure and forget about what happened and how I reacted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of emotional and feeling turmoil within me through, as and within anger – to deal with it and keep it all in – creating a perception for myself and others that I am alright – that I am okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself through anger because I perceived anger to be more ‘stable and strong’ than the emotional, feeling turmoil which I perceived as ‘weak’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seemingly balance myself by reaching out for polarity opposites while I am actually suppressing what I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined anger as “strong and stable” as “strength”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defines strength as suppressing the weakness within myself as emotion/feeling turmoil through anger that is perceived as ‘strength’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined emotions and feelings as ‘weak’

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to define weakness as the acceptance and allowance of remaining within emotional/feeling turmoil manifested as crying due to an event/experience that had taken place with others and having others see this existence of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge myself in anger because I refuse to see myself as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in anger because I do not want to experience myself as weak – and because I do not want to be seen as weak by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build and created a protection-mechanism where I use anger – that is perceived as ‘strong’ – to suppress the emotional/feeling turmoil – perceived as weak – to protect myself by not experiencing the ‘weak’ as what I actually exist as, while protecting myself from others through manifesting myself as the perception of ‘strength’, presenting to others the illusion of ‘not being affected by the experience of even or by those who participated in it.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build/created a protection mechanism where I act out – using the emotional/feeling turmoil and physically express what is experienced within me through doing the exact same thing to another, herein protecting myself from the perspective of ‘not giving in to the authority of others’ and protecting myself from others from the perspective of revealing/showing that: If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you and even more so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception that “standing up” means “doing to another what was done unto me” – taking revenge towards another

To which persons or events do I currently still react the same way?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.

What do I do with myself when the emotions suddenly start surging up inside me as a volcano erupting as a ‘more explosive surge of emotions/feelings rising up within you’ or as a ‘storm brewing’ as a more ‘subtle’ movement of emotions/feelings culminating within you?
I first try to make sure that no one notices what I am experiencing because I do not want to be seen as weak and I try to contain and suppress the emotions within me from the moment that I am aware of them – I will try to act normal and smile and joke - then I’ll try to get away ASAP and find a place where I can be alone and just cry – seemingly not knowing why I am crying – but the feeling of being a victim is very much present then. The entire experience of the reaction comes over as being irrational and feels “ancient” in a way.

After the crying or during the crying I want no one to see me – and if someone sees me I will try to look for comfort. Or when someone comforts me without even knowing it I have the feeling to cry again.

This entire experience results in anger due to extensive suppression and self judgment – taking the entire event personally.

And then this anger I suppress as well – since I accepted this experience as a part of my self definition – not seeing the option of change.
à beliefsystem about myself and others which keeps replaying over and over throughout my life as “the way it is”


Untangling live memory

Memory:I am lying in my bed and I can hear my father coming up the stairs. He is quite heavy so you can hear him come loud and clearly. I know I am in trouble because I haven’t cleaned up my room like my mom told me to.
My heart beats really hard and fast – I feel like peeing my PJ pants.

He comes in and starts screaming in French. He talks about my mom, obeying, cleaning up room. He then drags me out of bed. I am petrified and just lie on the floor crying. He starts to kick my in my belly with his legs. I just take the entire experience and believe that there is nothing I can do but just endure it – after all the moment will pass.

After that I cry in my bed – my mom reacts to the crying and comes in to comfort me. She keeps me in a hug position, strokes my hair and goes “shhhhhhhh, it’s okaay”
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately start crying when my father came into my room all angry and screaming and beating me up – instead of standing up breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to take what was done unto me personally – but realising what he was doing it due to acceptances and allowances within himself and had nothing to do with me personally.

(Within self forgiveness à specificity = bring experience here, add realisation/insight, add as self corrective application à completeness of SF)

Practical Corrective Application in the Moment of the experience:
Breathe, stand up and not accept or allow myself to give into emotions and feelings as taking the event personally.

The realisation/insight of the Practical Corrective Application:
He is not doing it to me personally. He is merely exerting what exists of and within himself towards me that is actually himself one and equal.


Back to the memory – the physical act:
Being petrified – lying still – taking the beat – crying

Questions: What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

I experienced a tornado inside me of feelings and emotions – mostly absolute fear – within the moment that I am faced with my angry father – and this then gets intensified with me experiencing physical pain as he beats me. As if it confirms my fear.


What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

It was ‘giving into’ the emotions/feelings that I experienced in that moment within me, ‘giving in to’ was me accepting and allowing the emotions/feelings to ‘take over’ and because of this act of ‘giving in to’ emotions/feelings, I manifested the expression of and as Crying.

A complete take over and possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the emotions and feelings existent within me; of me and as me such as fear, petrification and anxiety – in the moment when my father beat me up through kicking his legs into my belly that manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotions/feelings such as fear, petrification and anxiety within me, of me and as me to ‘take over’ and posses me the moment I was beaten up by my father through him kicking me in my belly with his legs which manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

Identifying the nature of the physical action taken

Questions:

1) What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

2) What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

3) What did the other represent within their physical act of beating me up?
Treating me as ‘less then him’, making himself ‘more than me’ or ‘stronger than me’. Therefore, he represented: AUTHORITY

4) How did I experience myself within the representation of my father as ‘authority’, which he represented through his physical act of beating me up?
I experienced myself as being “belittled”, because I perceived him to be ‘more stronger than me’ because he had the ability to beat me up.I experienced me as being ‘hurt’, ‘harmed’ and ‘abused’ by him.

5) How did I confirm this experience of myself within, to myself?
Through the Act of Crying

6) What Polarity Construct was ‘playing out’ in this event?
Me, as the ‘powerless victim’ being ‘abused/harmed’ by those who establish their ‘authority as power’ to/towards me.



ASSESSMENT

I experienced myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of my father that through acts/words established his authority over/of me, that’s why I ended up crying in my bed, because I felt that I couldn’t do anything, because he was stronger than me.
I experience myself as the ‘victim’ when such a being causes me “physical pain/hurt’ as ‘abuse’ being done unto me, because there was no ‘reason’ for it and I couldn’t ‘defend’ myself.


Self Forgiveness from/of the Questions and responses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘belittled’ by and through my father that beat me up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my father as more than me and see myself as less than him, which is why I experienced myself as being “belittled”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as “less than him”, because he managed to beat me up and hurt me physically and therefore why I experienced him as “more strong than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I perceived him to be “stronger than me” and “more than me”, that little’ol me couldn’t stand up, but rather cry in bed, confirming the “less than” and “belittlement” experience existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the powerless victim in the presence of those I perceive as authority/power based on what they express towards me.

Self Forgiveness from/of the ASSESSMENT

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of those that through their acts/words establish their authority over/of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘cry in my bed’ – because I believed I couldn’t do anything – I believed I couldn’t stand up within me – because of the accepted and allowed belief that he was stronger/more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘victim’ when my father caused me physical pain through beating me up , and because of the physical pain, experienced myself as the victim,’being abused by another’.

Tracing and Identifying the manifested ‘protection-mechanism’ – through identifying the Physical Action taken after the event the Jack-in-The-Box Memory revealed

Questions:

What did I do with myself after the event occurred?
I went back into my bed and put the warm sheets over me, crawling up like a little baby. My mom then came to me to comfort me. I held her tight and she held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”

Why did I end up crying in my bed?
I went into my bed and cry because I did not know how to handle or deal with the situation. I then let my mom comfort me because I assumed that if she sees how much I am confused and in pain – that she might be able to do something to prevent this from happening again – believing that she as a grown-up (=authority) has the power to do this (=prevent this from happening again).

What did my mom do when she saw me crying?
She held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”. She did this with the intention of easing my pain. She showed me that she cared. She stayed with me till I stopped crying and calmed down and be silent. Then she left me alone to sleep in my silence.


What did I experience within me when I was with my mom according to her specific expression towards me?
I experienced comfort as she held me tight in her arms.
I experienced safety.
I experienced care
I experienced myself as being protected


ASSESSMENT
I allowed my mom to come into my bed to comfort me because I did not know how to deal or handle the situation at that moment and believed that my mother would know how to handle and help me with how I experienced myself – and prevent a situation like this from happening again. She held me tight and caressed me, stroked my hair saying “Shhhh, it’s okaay”. I felt safe, protected and being cared of. After awhile I felt calm and silent and fell asleep as if it was all just a bad dream.

Observing the actual nature of the entire experience

Questions:

What does me allowing my mom to comfort me and be with me from the perception/belief that she will know how to handle/deal with the situation/event, reveal about myself?
That I have a belief that I am not able to deal with or handle such a situation/event for myself, by myself – but would rather trust others and rely on them to figure it out – instead of assisting and supporting myself in such events/situations.

What does ‘feeling better’ only after I received comfort, soothing and care from my mother – reveal about myself?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from someone/ a source outside of myself in order to be able to deal with or handle the emotional/feeling turmoil experienced within me, after a conflicting/confrontational event.


What does the act of me allowed my mom to comfort, care and soothing me, reveal about the nature of me?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from others to only then ‘feel better’ within myself – about myself – because only then the ‘emotional/feeling’ turmoil within myself ‘goes away’, and therefore, I will allow others to come to me and give me comfort, care and soothing through physical acts of ‘holding me in their arms’ – because I know that only then, the emotional/feeling trauma ‘goes away’ (=suppressed).

What is actually really happening within me – when the emotional/feeling turmoil ‘goes away’ only after receiving comfort, care and soothing through physically being held with concerned soft words from my parents? Was I really ‘dealing’ with the even that had occurred?
No – I was not dealing with the even occurred. I suppressed it – pushed it away inside of me until I could not ‘see’ it anymore. The emotional/feeling turmoil is suppressed by replacing it with the experience I receive through physical acts as being held in my mom’s arms, through which I experience comfort/care/soothing, which ‘replace’ the ‘inner turmoil of emotions/feeling’ within à An outside physical experience, replacing the inside turmoil experienced within.Therefore, my attention is being ‘diverted’ from what I experience within, to what I’m now without.

ASSESSMENT
I have a beliefsystem about myself that I am not able to handle or deal with situations/events where I experience emotional/feeling turmoil inside of me – thus I allow others to come to me – because I believe that this other CAN , and has the power to help me handle my experience and prevent such a situation/event from happening again. When I am experiencing emotional/feeling turmoil inside of myself I believe that I have no ‘control’ over it – and that the only cure of me feeling better and silent within myself is through allowing another to sooth, comfort and care about me through physical acts such as holding me in their arms, touching and speaking words that calm me down.
I realise that I wasn’t actually dealing with the experience within myself – but just replaced one experience with a complete opposite. It is not really replaced – the first experience just gets pushed down and suppressed so that it seems that it is replaced but it is still there and it’s still not resolved.
I realise that I seek and search or wait for ‘help’ from others as an attempt to deal with an experience within myself and my world, but what actually happens is me suppressing what is experienced within myself through the receiving of help from others – instead of me standing up in and as me here and directing me one and equal to and as the moment.
Therefore, I will go to others or wait for them to come to me to suppress the experience both within and without – and this is how I “deal with” situations/experiences/events I believe I can’t handle or deal with directly one and equal here in self-honesty.
I realise that the experience of me receiving comfort, care and soothing from another is actually only diverting my attention from what is experienced within me, therefore it is suppressed within and replaced with a polarity opposite physical experience without.

The ‘Protection-Mechanism’ I exist as and ‘live out’:
In conflicting/confrontational events, I make sure I am alone and cry and wait for others to come and comfort me – because I seek protection and safety from others, within which I am comforted and soothed, protecting me from myself to not experience the emotional/feeling turmoil within, because it is replaced with my perception of ‘love’ as receiving physical expressions I experience as ‘comfort’ and ‘care’ to suppress what exist within me, and at the same time ‘hide’ within other’s ‘protection’ and ‘safety’ to not have to face those that ‘caused’ the experience within me and my world – not taking self responsibility and not directing myself - but hide and suppress.

Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others such as my mom to come and ‘help’ me with what I experience within me and my world, because I believed that I wasn’t capable or able to ‘handle’/’deal with’ or ‘direct’ the situation as me here as the moment one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘look for’ and ‘seek’ for comfort, soothing and care from others – because I believe that this is the only way to ‘deal with’ or ‘handle’/’direct’ the experience within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that I wasn’t actually really ‘dealing with’ or ‘handling’ the experience within myself through ‘waiting for others for help’ to suppress such experienced within me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a polarity system within me and as me and my world by/through suppressing what I experience within me as emotional/feeling turmoil through replacing it, in diverting my attention to physical-expressions I receive from others as comfort/care and soothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘love’ as receiving physical expressed actions from others as ‘comfort’/’care’ and soothing such as being held, hugged or caressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a ‘Protection-Mechanism’ as me as ‘waiting for others for help and comfort’ to protect me from myself through suppression and hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep repeating this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm and support the self-definition I have given myself -enhancing this self-definition every time such an event occurs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to be a part of me as the self-definition I have accepted and allowed to live as – repeating the scenario of this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm my self-definition to myself and others – as ‘who I am’ – based on past experiences and memories through which I defined myself as.


Pulling through the Jack-In-The-Box revealed construct to current time and how it still influences and affects me


Question One of Step Two: The Nature of the Physical Action:
Who and What within my world currently represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ towards whom I experience myself as ‘less than,’‘not considered,’ ‘taken for granted’ and their physical expressions of words or mannerism/behaviour causing the emotional/feeling turmoil within me, manifesting the belief of me being ‘hurt’ by them, which manifests the experience of me as being the ‘powerless victim?

I project authority unto everything and everyone. The powerless victim has become my self definition through which I live every single moment.





Question Two of Step One: The Physical Action:
Towards whom/what in my world, do I very quickly, almost instantaneously/automatically – react towards within myself, in either a ‘flurry of emotions/feelings’ within which I start crying immediately with emotions, feeling suddenly, immediately, automatically rising up within me?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.
Towards beings that yell/scream.


Mergence of Questions One and Two:
Towards whom/what within my world that in a moment of an conflicting/
confrontational situation, do I experience myself as ‘the powerless victim
being abused’ by that which represents ‘authority’ which causes me to almost
immediately, instantaneously, automatically react towards within myself in
emotions feelings that suddenly, ‘seemingly out of nowhere’ automatically
‘surge up’ inside myself?

Towards basically everyone – but with the beings mentioned in Question Two of Step One : The Physical action – it is intensified.


Question Three of Step Three: The Physical Action taken After the Event
occurred:
How do I deal with or handle sudden surges of emotional/feeling turmoil within me, when I’m faced with confrontation/conflict with another?

I try to get away asap – without showing others what I am experiencing. Once I am alone I allow myself to cry and in that confirm that I am a powerless victim. I take the event/confrontation personal and turn into self-judgment. I then suppress this experience within myself which results into anger – that compounds every time such an event occurs.



The Final Step : Identifying the Behavioural Conditioning’ as manifested physical habit that I exist as

With whom/what particular being/environment that represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ within which I experience yourself as the ‘powerless victim’ ‘without choice or right’ believing myself to be ‘disregarded,’ ‘inferiorized’ as the experience of being ‘hurt’ which causes an automatic, sudden, immediate surge of explosive/culminating emotions/feelings within
me – which manifests, for example, the ‘protection-mechanism’ wherein I ‘hide and accept the self-definition of powerless victim as myself – resulting in anger?

Whenever I am being faced with a being I place myself as inferior and the other as superior instantaneously. I believe that I have no right to speak and that the other that represents authority knows it all. I believe that I am doomed to submit myself and that I do not have to right to express myself or share my perspectives. I attempt to do everything to not get the other being angry or question me – I do everything to avoid conflict. Because I know that once there is conflict I will feel this emotional/feeling turmoil again inside myself – and I will feel like the powerless victim. And I do not want to experience this thus I stay low as my inferior placement that I placed upon myself – in order to avoid conflict – in order to not face myself as the self-defined self accepted and allowed beliefsystem that I have about myself – the self-definition I gave myself and accepted myself as and through which I live. Because I do not want to face myself and I do not want to take self-responsibility.

If conflict does occur – I totally freeze within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside of me. I wait for the right moment that I can leave and go cry on my own feeling all powerless, helpless and hopeless – the victim. I then get tired of this and get really angry. Then I suppress all of this – feel calm again and go on with my life – still going through my life every moment through the self-definition I accepted myself as – as who and what I am.


Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as ‘authority’ as ‘power’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as the ‘authoritative power’ in and as my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’ when facing other beings in a conflicting/confrontational situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘powerless victim’ towards the definition I have formed of others as being the “authoritative power”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go into’ immediate instantaneous and automatic emotional/feeling turmoil the moment I experience another acting out their ‘authoritative power’, which makes me experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’, because of my experienced reactions of surging emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the other one’s fault and that the other is to blame and the problem which cause the emotional/feeling turmoil that surge up within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that the emotional/feeling surging coming up suddenly, automatically – only exists because of the perception of me as being the ‘powerless victim’ and the perception I have formed of the other as an ‘authoritative-figure’ as the polarity opposite of what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘standing up’ and ‘not accepting being treated the way I am’ – is me secluding me in isolation and just being angry – resisting the entire event - instead of taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise – that if I attempt to fight against something, I create resistance and in that resistance, I will ‘lose’, because I am making the statement that ‘I need to fight against that which I believe is more then me’,’having power over me’ – against which I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play the game’ of ‘win/lose’ within myself in the manifested participation of me in a conflicting/confrontational situatuon/event, which in essence is a game of ‘win/lose’ as a game of ‘inferiority/superiority’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously place myself as inferior when being faced with another being – and within that place the other as superior – seeing the other as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no right to speak within the perception that the other is superior to me and represents authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately assume that the other beings knows best – knows it all – when I am faced with another being and I place myself as inferior towards this being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards another when being faced with another being – believing that I am doomed to submit myself to this other being and that I do not have the right to express myself and/or share my perspectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mysef as inferior instantaneously when being faced with another being because I want to make sure that I do not create conflict – and I believe that by placing myself as inferior I will not trigger anything in the other being and thus be able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior instantaneously because I fear the emotional/feeling turmoil that I might experience if conflict occurs – in placing myself as inferior I believe that I have less chance of triggering something in the other being – believing that I am not challenging the other being as superiority and thus am able to avoid conflict because I want to avoid the emotional/feeling turmoil within myself that will surge up if conflict occurs – and I want to avoid feeling like an angry hopeless, powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist the experience of emotional/feeling turmoil within myself because I do not want to be faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless, powerless victim because I fear and do not dare to take self-responsibility and self-directive action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze in petrification within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside me because of conflict – because I am now being faced with myself as the self-definition of myself and that’s which I fear and when faced with this I stand in total petrification, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait within this event of conflict for the right moment to leave while I do not show what (or try my best not to show) what is going on inside me – running away from myself within this –stating that I cannot handle this – stating that I am not able to deal with this through the physical act of walking away from the event which I already invited within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right moment within a conflict event to go away to then be on my own where no one can see and hear me to cry and within the crying confirm my own self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the event that happened personally.

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I was not able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a loser when conflict does occur.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the event has got nothing to do with me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event because I triggered something within another – and thus I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the other being within the position of authority as ‘untouchable’ and thus they cannot be to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in total anger within myself while crying and confirming my accepted self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim – because I am not taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility and direct myself one and equal in self honesty instead of drowning in my self pity, drowning in my confirmed self definition as a powerless, helpless victim that it in anger but not practically doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I experience within the acceptance of my self-definition of a powerless, helpless victim – accepting this as my self definition, believing that I cannot change this since I am powerless – so I push it away where I do not have to feel or see it and then go on to live out my self definition.

Realisation points during weekend in Amsterdam

Realisation points during weekend in Amsterdam

When me and Maite arrived at the Amsterdam Central Station it was weird first of all seeing Jozien with her kids – seeing Jozien as mom.

What was really scary was seeing myself as one of Jozien’s kids – Lulu – the youngest – and seeing Maite as Zina – the eldest.

Just in one moment I was already able to see the entire set-up between those two and what would happen to them if there wouldn’t be any intervention. They would end up just like me and Maite. Just the entire set-up and ‘position’ a being has within the family construct already has got a major impact on the development of a being’s self-definition.

So it was cool discussing that point and how we saw things and how we could see the course of things if there wouldn’t be any direct intervention.

Seeing Lulu was also a self-responsibility point for myself. Seeing that it is fucking unacceptable for a kid to be influenced by environment and family set-up.
Seeing Lulu play and eat – doing whatever – brought up a lot of memories and experiences within myself. Which was quiet cool.

You see yourself as another being physically manifested – and she is only one year old. It was so fucking cool that I had this opportunity to just sit there and observe myself as a one year old kid. It was fascinating – even if it was only for a few moments (they left soon to go to family during the weekend).

It was as if she was holding the key to breaking down my self-definition / beliefsystem that I have about myself. And I hold to key for Jozien to practically assist Lulu and in that hold the key for Lulu to “prevent” her from ending up like me.

Cause really, that’s such an unnecesarry experience hahahaha.

It was a pretty intense weekend – lots of points opened up.
Very cool.

Kids are awesome.