Day 198: What is going on Inside me? - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

When and as I see myself react in response to someone saying / asking me something and where I do not immediately understand/know what to do with the experience and react to it within interpreting what I *think* is going on – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting and rushing instead of breathing and investigating and so I commit myself to stop, let go of the reaction and have a look at what happened / zoom in into the chain of events to identify what happened so I can give myself and the situation direction

When and as I see myself react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something is ‘off’ when someone says something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am faced with a point that I have not yet investigated for myself and so I commit myself to slow down and investigate the point for myself

When and as I see myself going into backchat after having had a particular experience that I did not entirely understood – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that back chat is the result of thought accumulation and so I commit myself to trace my steps back and see where I missed a point that required direction/correction that was left untouched and give it direction

When and as I see myself wanting to immediately distance myself and object/protest/rebel against someone after they say / ask something without really knowing why – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is a point for me here to look at and that its never advisable to just ‘follow an inclination’ simply because it is ‘strong’ and so I commit myself to stop myself as I feel the urge, breathe, let go and investigate the chain of events

When and as I see myself ignore/brush away an experience within the assumption that ‘I’m probably just projection’ from the starting point of wanting to get this experience ‘over with’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to give myself an answer for the sake of ‘moving on’ without actually, effectively moving/working with the point and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate instead of assume

When and as I see that an experience keeps re-occurring no matter how many times I try to stop it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my approach is not working and thus commit myself to find a different way / alternative as to how to approach the point

When and as I see myself starting to take out my frustration and irritation internally unto another – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this indicate that the point has already gone to far and way off track and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and trace back the steps to identify the point of origin and correct myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself invert an experience in relation to another where I overanalyse and interpret the experience instead of talking/speaking as the experience emerge – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have left experiences to ‘wander around’ in the past where they were left to grow and compound with no direction and so I commit myself to speak as it emerge and open up the point unconditionally

Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my experience when hearing another person speak where I did not know what to do with the experience and instead of looking directly at what is gone, went into fear and from there interpreted what ‘must be going on’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something was ‘off’ when someone sad something instead of seeing and realising that whatever goes on inside me IS me and thus I should be able to see, assess and direct what is going on

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively when noticing the experience coming up inside me, where instead of being here, seeing and acknowledging I reacted and went into fear and confusion and interpreted what was going on which from there merely accumulated into further interpretation and back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within not understanding what is going on, to immediately want to distance myself from the person and object/protest/rebel against what it is they said without even really knowing why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to object/protest/rebel/do the opposite of what the person is saying or asking without understanding why and without looking at whether it makes any sense at all to act this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a moment/breather to investigate my experience but instead in wanting to ‘get over with it’, brushed it off as ‘oh it’s probably just me / I must be projecting’ without actually investigating it, just so as to be able to give myself an answer to my confusion so that I can ‘get on’ with my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the experience and within this passiveness, allowed this experience and my reaction to it to just keep ‘swimming around’ within me without any form of direction where it accumulates and kind of goes ‘hello, heeeelllooo, HEEELLOOOOOO’ desperately wanting my attention to acknowledge its existence and give it direction where each time the experience would come up I would just kind of ‘No, go away – what are you doing here’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if my method of dealing with an experience is not working as in stopping it and ‘brushing it off’, where it keeps on coming back that obviously I need to change my method/approach and try something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my experience of frustration accumulate within not knowing how to deal with this experience wherein I started to misdirect/misguide this frustration/annoyance/irritation with myself and my inability to deal unto the other person where I started creating new layers/dimensions to the point and making things more complicated instead of stopping, and tracing back all the steps aaaall the way to the beginning and really see what is going on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the tendency to invert all my experiences in relation to other people where I overanalyse and interpret them instead of talking/speaking/expressing as it comes up – where I leave the experience to wander and grow instead of opening it open and directing it

Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel

I’ve been looking at a point where someone will say or ask me something – and where the words they speak ‘make sense’, but it just feels like something’s ‘off’ about it – and I immediately want to protest/rebel against what it is they are saying or asking – not because of the words spoken but simply because of the ‘vibe’ or ‘energy’ it carries. And the reaction is like immediate, like NO, I do NOT agree/ I DO NOT want to do that – as a reaction to kind of “shake” the energy off of me, like it’s disgusting lol.

It reminds me of when my mom would ask me to clean my room. It didn’t bother me that she asked me to clean my room – that made sense, but it would be the way she asked, like you can sense there’s something hidden behind it which was just all off and it didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Back then I thought I was merely ‘rebelling’ towards my parents as ‘authority’ but I actually didn’t have a clue why I experienced myself that way and why I was reacting and just DID NOT want to do what she asked me to do lol.

So I got now that when people talk, there’s a lot more information crossing the room besides just the words spoken – there’s a whole resonance/energy component that I had previously never look at or considered – which was what I was picking up on whenever I would react to my parents demands. It was not because they were not being rational that I would not want to do what they asked, but because I could sense that their starting point was not cool. And this can be pretty confusing because all you know is that there’s something ‘off’ about what someone is saying to you but when you try to pinpoint what it is that’s exactly off about it, you’re kind of grasping at air and that would leave me wiggly/unstable – because I have this experience inside me but I can’t explain it and I have no ‘proof’ so to speak that I can put forward to explain why I do not want to comply to the request.

So this started happening recently, where someone would ask me something simple to do and I would get like a buzzing feeling where for some reason I don’t want to do it. I got confused because I looked at the words and the words made sense – so why was I experiencing myself this way? I brushed it off, thinking that I must be projecting something unto the other person and should just disregard the experience and work on ‘not wanting to do things’ or something like that. But it didn’t stop, each time the same person would ask me something and it would have that ‘vibe’ to it, I’d buzz – and I’m like what the fuck??!!! What is going on??

This would happen over and over again, buzz by buzz and in the end I would actually end up getting seriously annoyed with the other whenever this happened.

So then I looked at how the person spoke the words, the energy it had to it and put myself in the other person’s shoes. If I’d speak/ask something that way with that ‘vibe’ with it – what is creating that vibe? So then I got that if I would be speaking/asking things this way, that there was a point of morality/fairness involved – where I would ask someone to do something not because it makes sense, but cause of some idea of fairness/morality and where I do not even know that I am participating within fairness/morality because in my mind it ‘makes sense’. So even though the message makes sense, the starting point is off – and because it’s coming from an idea of fairness/morality which has been justified through “reasoning” – it’s hard to catch that there’s something off about it, because from the outside looking at it, it makes sense .This was then later also confirmed where this point opened up in a conversation where the person could see they where coming from a fairness point in how they would do certain things and I was glad to know I wasn’t going crazy lol.

So what was interesting with this whole experience is how little we know about ourselves, communication and how to deal with particular experiences. I mean, as a kid I had the exact same experience, and the only thing I could do that somehow made sense was to resist, protest and rebel without really even knowing why – it just ‘felt like the right thing to do’. But what happens then is that you’re just playing a reactive game where say my mom is being reactive within how she asks me to clean my room and then I react in protest and rebellion which in turn she can use to justify why she is reacting the way she is and strengthen her belief point to which I will then react even more and before you know it you’ve got a little snowball turned into a massive ball of snow causing an avalanche of reactions – because both sides just feed it and feed it and feed it to no resolve.

So this was now also kind of happening where because initially I did not know how to deal with my experience, I would internalize it and basically make a mind point out of it as I didn’t know how to direct it so it was just kind of stuck inside of me and then I would start back chatting about it and then that’s how the annoyance would grow. Where in the beginning I would brush it away but the experience kept re-occurring and the irresistible urge to just not comply/rebel was getting seriously huge. So now I know that if I experience myself this way to simply ask like ‘Hey, why are you asking me this way’ and to open up the point and if I am just projecting cool, then I know and sort myself out and if not then cool, it’s out in the open and I don’t have to sit with this experience that has got no-where to go and who knows the person might find some assistance in it.

Because I was more and more leaning into the not complying/rebelling point but I saw this also did not make sense because this will also just strengthen any already existent reaction within another / give them more reason to do what they are doing -- but I also saw that I could not just ‘do nothing’’ -- which is why I decided to write this blog to get some clarity and it did lol.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow…

Related articles

• Day 299 - Do this Do that Do this Do that...
• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Reacting - Revenge of the Ego - Day 283
• Day 261 - The Pattern of Who I Am Part 9
• Day 195: Giving up on Myself - No More Head in the Clouds
• Day 194: Giving up on Myself - Idea of Roughness

Day 195: Giving up on Myself - No More Head in the Clouds

This blog is a continuation to: 
Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2) 
Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle (Part 4)

Day 194: Giving up on Myself - Idea of Roughness (Part 5)

When and as I see myself take my reality for granted, where I make use of things without investigating how it got in my life and what its implications are -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise how consequential such an attitude can be and so I commit myself to investigate all points in my reality to put myself in a position where I can make informed decisions within the principle of Prevention is the Best Cure and Give to another as you would Like to Receive


When and as I see myself being apathetic -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that apathy is part of the problem within the world as a reaction to a world of inequality and injustice – but not a solution and so I commit myself to move myself out of apathy as passive resistance and to instead engage myself actively within ensuring that I use my time / every breath effectively within contributing towards the establishment of World Equality as a World I would like to live in

When an as I see myself not wanting to do something which I see requires to be done or not wanting to do what someone asks me to do because I don't want to give up what I am currently doing and the 'positive'/'good vibe' energy charge connected to it -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am basing my experience on energy variables as attachments to definitions and within that base my decisions upon my experience which was determined by energy/definition – which has no relation to common sense mathematical reasoning or consideration in anyway whatsoever and so I commit myself to disregard the charges and to see within common sense practicality whether or not I am able to do what was asked and move myself accordingly and I commit myself to investigate the various positive and negative charges I accepted and allowed myself to attach to particular tasks/engagements as word definition and to clear them through Self forgiveness and redefine them


When and as I see myself wanting to be cared for -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I want to be cared for I have to first take care of myself and be willing to take care of others as a point of principle and example and thus this is what I commit myself to do


When and as I see myself believe that I am better / more important than other people -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I do not want to be on the opposite end as being seen as less than and less important but would like to be considered equally in all things and thus I commit myself to do the same for others within the principle of Give as you would Like to Receive


When and as I see myself not caring about other people -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I would not want to be in a position where people do not care about me and thus I commit myself to care for others as I would like to be cared for within the principle of Give as you would Like to Receive


When and as I see myself believe that I have a right to comfort -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I cannot demand and complain about ‘my right to comfort’ as long as I am doing shit about other people having been denied a life of comfort due to greed and self-interest and so I commit myself to stop greed and self-interest within me and to engage myself and use my time effectively to ensure that whatever I do benefits the whole – where my own personal desire for comfort is not allowed to compromise or prolong the discomfort for others

When and as I see myself just 'wanting to do nothing' -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am coming from an energetic polarity experience where I perceive myself to ‘have done a lot’ and now want to reward myself with ‘doing nothing’ – where all I am looking at and considering are internal energy experiences which have got nothing to do with reality and what is Best for All and so I commit myself to stop and investigate my experience and align myself in breath to ensure that my decisions are based on variables which actual matter and contribute to physical reality


When and as I see myself wanting to experience something 'positive' after having experienced something 'negative' -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am only taking into consideration limited amount of information as only ‘how I experience myself’ without looking beyond myself and that I am still looking at experiences in separation of myself where I believe a ‘something’ will give me this or that experience, not seeing and realising that I am the one who decided to experience myself negatively within doing one thing and decided to experience myself positively within doing another thing – and then place the responsibility of ‘how I am going to experience myself’ unto other things/beings – abdicating my self-responsibility completely and so I commit myself to investigate my energy attachments and to disregard any mind energy variables within decision making


When and as I see myself wanting to 'take a break' and wanting to 'zone out' from a starting point of "I am unavailable to do anything else" -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am making a decision based on my limited reality/experience as mind and am not taking into consideration that reality does not work according to ‘my rules’ and ‘what I feel like doing / not doing’ and that things require to be done and can happen whether I am up for it or not and so I commit myself to snap out my ‘unavailable’ zone and bring myself here in reality, in breath, in my body


When and as I see myself wanting to experience something positive as a 'quick fix' to charge myself up so I can continue with my day -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is reactive behaviour which will only repeat itself without every changing anything in fact and so I commit myself to investigate the origin/cause of my ‘energy depletion’ which requires a ‘fix’ so that I can correct myself and direct myself within common sense rather than being a slave to / being energy dependent

Related articles

• Day 194: Giving up on Myself - Idea of Roughness
• Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle
• Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
• Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)
• Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure

Day 194: Giving up on Myself - Idea of Roughness

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2) 
Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle

When and as I see myself react to someone asking me to do something within an attitude of 'No, it's too much, I had SUCH a rough day' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am responding from reaction wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy charge to the day / activities I did and where I am now reacting to the prospect of more activities to which I have attached a negative energy charge -- where I believe that I had 'enough' negative experiences and can't handle more -- not seeing and realising that it is not about the activities/tasks that I did or might do -- but about the charges that I had attached to them, and thus I am not so much reacting to what it is another is asking me to do, but the energy I have attached to it -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go and ground myself in my human physical body and simply do what is asked of me

When and as I see myself believing that I have a rough life -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created an idea about what 'a rough life' means, where I accepted and allowed myself to base my definition of roughness on a mental experience of negativity -- and where this energy experience is self-created and thus not so much my life being rough as me giving myself a hard time within attaching negative energy experiences to my life and what I do / go through -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe -- take responsibility for my self-created experience of roughness within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself react when seeing that something needs to be done or someone asks me to do something wherein I think 'Ugh no, let someone else do it' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am coming from a reaction where I allowed an accumulation of negative experiences to build up within me and where the prospect of another 'negative experience' is seen as 'the last drop that spills the bucket' and where I thus resist doing what I see requires to be done / do what is asked of me -- and so I commit myself to do what is asked of me and to investigate the process of accumulation that occurred to assist and support myself in becoming more effective in identifying where I am still reacting

When and as I see myself huff and puff and protest when someone asks me to do something -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this reaction is an indication that I have not been breathing effectively and have been allowing reactions to build up and accumulate and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and practice in breath awareness as I go about my day

When and as I see myself wanting things for 'free' and 'without charge' where I want to just 'get it' without having to do anything for it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to free things without considering the actual costs / consequences involved and so I commit myself to remind myself that nothing is for free and that someone always pays the price and so I commit myself to take on my responsibility and to ensure that I minimize consequence for myself and others within the principle of prevention is the best cure and do unto another as you would like to be done unto yourself

When and as I see myself access the believe that 'I have the right to only ever do whatever I want' -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this principle is not universally applicable / practical, and if it not feasible for everyone then it is not a principle to live by and so I commit myself to snap out of this brainwashing as it’s unsustainable nature causes much harm and abuse and commit myself to take responsibility and do my part within contributing to make our living environment work for everyone – both at home and on a global scale

Related articles

• Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)
• Day 298 - To soft To Kind for the Job, Commitments Part 3.
• Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle
• Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
• Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation

Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2) 
Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about other people and other life forms and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better/ more important than other people/life form

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the hypocrisy/evilness of not caring about others who are not as well off as me while knowing that I would want to be cared for if I was them with all my heart

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care for and respect others as me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have no right to live the life of comfort I have if I am not willing to live the life of others that make possible the life I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up my life of comfort which takes place primarily in my mind as a drug induce happiness experience for the sake of making other people's lives actually physically more comfortable

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that what has become of me/humanity is a ruthless, principle-less monster that stands against anything of value within life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just 'want to do nothing' after going through a regular day from the perspective that the life we live and how do things in the world is not cool / enjoyable but a drag and where within that point of 'just let me be' and 'I don't want to do anything/contribute' I am actually only further perpetuating the problem and creating / maintaining what I don't like within this world/reality where I only care to balance out the negative with some positive so that I can 'recharge' myself for another day without in any way whatsoever changing what is actually causing me to not like my life so much and keeping the cycle going for myself and everyone else -- where if I only looked at the problem and that which is not cool from a starting point of 'Prevention is the best cure' -- I wouldn't need to constantly shift myself from the negative to the positive to 'be okay' but could simply be here, stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care but actual solution but to only care about my personal/happiness experience - where I did not care about how the world is set up and functions as long as I can get some reward/positivity to compensate for the bad stuff -- not seeing and realising that this may have been manageable for myself and my life but not on a grand scale where many have to live in constant negativity to uphold/maintain and substantiate a life of 'positivity' for others

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I wouldn't need 'a break' and to 'zone out' if the problems that are existent within the world today weren't in place -- and so it is not acceptable/enough to just 'zone out' and 'take a break' once in a while as this never changes anything but to look at why i need a break/escape from reality in the first place and deal with it hands on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go for a ‘quick fix’ in quite a literal way, where I rather go for a quick ‘feel good experience’ rather than moving myself to bring about an actual change in my world which would eliminate the need for a quick fix in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about reality but not willing to take the necessary steps to change it and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to complain

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it was my ‘quick fix feel good’ experience/desire that is in fact creating the problems/shit in the world that I then go and compensate for within my quick fix – where the positive perpetuates the bad and the bad perpetuates the good – keeping the cycle in place and growing

Related articles

• Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
• Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)
• Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the ease of my life was only possible by someone else compensating/making up for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been completely ignorant in relation to my reality and what was behind my reality to make it possible for me to live the life I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to only ever to do 'what I want' without seeing and realising that if this would have been a universal principle we'd all be dead right now because some things simply need to be done to make life possible whether I /we want to do it or not

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one can only do 'what I want' if one has money -- where if you have money and others don’t you have leverage to get people to do the things you want them to do to get what you want in life -- where this is only possible if others stand in service/bondage to you through money -- where we end up in a world where a few have a lot of money and everyone else's life is in service for those few to live their dream while sacrificing their life and any form of dignity in the process

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever look at the things I had in life and ask myself 'where do they come from', 'who made them', 'how did it get here', 'what resources was used to make this'-- where within not asking these basic questions I was indicating that I don't care who made it and how it got here, how this may have affected other people/the earth and that all I care about is that I have it and can use it as I please so that I can have 'my happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become a happiness drone where all I care about is experiencing some energy/vibe that 'makes me feel good and will fight, reject and avoid anything that may threaten MY happiness, not caring how this attitude may in turn affect other's people's happiness because I just don't care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be cared for yet not wanting to return this service to others / care for others

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within not caring for others I am tacitly giving permission to others to not care for me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that being cared for but not caring for others comes at a cost

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I was at the other side of the coin in conditions of hardship, I would want someone to care about me and my situation

Related articles

• Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation
• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)

Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life' and that doing something which would benefit others besides myself was considered to just be 'too much'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life'-- not seeing and realising that this 'roughness' was only ever relevant in terms of my mind experience of my life -- and had in no way to do with any form of 'physical roughness'- as I had everything in my life (and more) which I required to support myself physically

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that mental roughness does not count as it is self-created and can at any time be terminated and is thus no valid reason/excuse/justification to not do something physical which actually supports physical living on this planet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to say 'no' and 'let someone else do it' -- as I was in a position where I could do things to improve practical living, even if it was just in the home environment -- but where I accepted and allowed ideas about 'my life' which were not real to hold me back from doing something real and tangible which would actually have an actual effect in improving things in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had a rough life while everything was taken care of, where I had a home, food, and support from my parents to ensure that I would be able to stand in the world and were quite generous in the freedom they permitted to me in 'doing my own thing' and what directions I wanted to take in life and then did not want to contribute in the home environment to make things more nice to live in terms of cleanliness and alleviating work from others because I was too busy in my mind thinking of how things weren't going my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have huffed and puffed whenever my mom would ask me to help out with something, where I believed it was 'my right' to just lay in the couch and watch tv -- not seeing and realising that this luxury was only possible to exist within others actually having a rough life where these products came about from assembly lines with people having horrible jobs with little pay and did not have the privilege of saying 'no' and 'let someone else do it' as this would jeopardize their and their family's security -- just so a few can make a good buck in selling these products cheaply for others who believe they have a rough life and want a 'piece of happiness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that for certain things to be possible like the ease of taking a clean cup from the cupboard -- certain conditions and steps require to be in place for that cup to be clean and be in its spot -- where someone had to clean the cup and put it there for me to be able to 'just take it' and use it and where I enjoyed this option but did not care/bother to make it happen the same for others and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything 'free' in life -- where I want to be able to just take the cup and use it with no consequence, 'free of charge' so to speak, where once there is effort/'charge' involved, I'm no longer interested because now I have to 'do stuff' and now 'just taking the cup out of the cupboard' is not so nice anymore because I have to actually be part of the cleaning and putting away process so then I rather not use the cup at all or come up with some excuse that will allow me to keep getting it 'for free'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my life and what I had/have and the people in my life for granted -- where I did not take into consideration that someone had to build the couch and the tv, that someone had to work to be able to pay for the couch and the tv, and where I had no respect for the end result or the people involved in the process of making the couch/tv accessible to me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if everyone just wants to do nothing but at the same time wants everything from life -- that these two stand points are simply not compatible, because having things in life like food, a home and luxury products requires of someone to make it, to put effort into it -- and thus if I want those things I must make myself equally available to others so they can have the same -- which I didn't because all I cared about was myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only ever lived within and as self interest

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that i had not yet experienced actual roughness in life but only ever experienced my idea of it -- where I rather indulged in an experience of 'oh no, its too much' while comfortably being zoned out on the couch while others on this planet have no such choice and have to bear harsh physical conditions just to make it another day and would be happy to give up everything to be able to live my life and have barely any responsibilities to take care of in life

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf