expression is here - in the moment as a statement of yourself
you are clear and there is no reason involved - there is no desire for a specific outcome or result - if so --> starting point is not clear and you are being directed by the mind

a directive expression is here - clear - no second thoughts - no doubts - you stand as your expression and you walk

mind fucks

funny how I see things but then rely on my thoughts and get confused

And within my confusion I then go ask for assitance - then I interpret the assistance with my mind and fuck myself over some more
- creating an entire mindfuck to then find out I already saw the point in the beginning but I didn't dare to trust myself and to actually stand

Food

Food

Whenever I chew on something that I dislike (mostly vegetables) I get this puking spasm coming up from my stomach.
This has been so for as long as I can remember - it got better though since I got back from SA (I only noticed it at home that I was able to chew on food where I would usually react with those spasms but there was no reaction).

Where does this reaction originate from? Childhood - duh lol

When I was little I was forced to eat everything on my plate - I had to sit at the table till I ate everything and if I didn't my father would get reaaally mad - so then I just swallowed it quickly with a lot of water because I did not want to make a scene by puking and getting my father even more angry.

Emotions and feelings attached to this kind of events --> fear, anxiety and petrification

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to eating food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to food that I dislike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for disliking certain foods because my father would get angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disgust when seeing the picture presentation of food that I linked to disgust due to my father getting angry at me when I did not eat that specific food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to enjoy eating all sorts of food because I defined some foods to be disgusting because I disliked them when I was little and then was forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already expect that I will get puke spasms when I see specific food lying in my plate because I link it to past events where I refused to eat the food and then got forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the food I eat as me and while I eat transcend the ideas that I have about that particular kind of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my perception and ideas about food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past memories and events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to correct this puking spasm because I believe that I am less than it and that it is more and stronger than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything about my puking spasms with regards to food because I perceived myself as being powerless and helpless towards my father when he got angry and forced me to eat all my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused myself as my human physical body by drinking tons of water just to get the food in my stomach without having to chew on it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submit myself to my fear of my father beating me up and thus I rather do what he says and get the food down my throat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally that my father got angry at me for not eating all my food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that my fother got angry due to acceptanced and allowances within himself that he was acting out on me - but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with this puking spasms for having submitted myself to the mind - as a reminder that I am a bad person because I did not eat my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as a terrible kid because I did not eat all of my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being "a difficult kid with food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself everytime we would go eat somewhere and I did not like the food but forced myself to eat it and suppress the puking spasms because I was afraid what other people might think of me if they knew how much food I do not like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as someone who is difficult with regards to food

Memory pops up :

In primary school I had to eat at school - and this one time I refused to eat my food and the principal was there - she was a women and she then put all the food one by one in my mouth and I had to chew it. I felt so embarrassed.

Later when we got our bulletins with our grades she said my grades were great but she then made a comment about me and the food thing and the entire class started laughing. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed that I have problems with food and want to keep it hidden from everyone because I am afraid they will all laugh at me and that I will feel terrible about myself - yet again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself everytime I get face to face with food that I dislike or when people make comments on how I do not like a lot of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable when people make comments about the food I eat (or rather not eat)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my 'problem' with food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk through this point till it is done - not accepting anything less

Practically applying and moving through the God of Man docs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built and created the perception that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as powerless in this world

Where does this perception/idea originate from?

It originates from my childhood experiences where I experienced myself to be powerless towards my parents – especially my father.
They were/are my authority figures and I must obey/submit to them and do as I am told – I as a kid have no “power” to defend myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimized myself by running off crying every time I was confronted with angry parents imprinting fear into me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the habit of going off and cry somewhere on my own every time that my status of inferiority and powerlessness was confirmed by doing what my parents tell me to do – out of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a victim towards my parents and the control they practice on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless when confronted with someone that presents himself as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my parents as authority – and in that define myself as a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear within myself – the fear of being hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear that me as a victim will be confirmed again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear of being faced with self-defeat once more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my hate unto my father for showing me what exists within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project love unto my mother because she helps me with suppressing what exists within and as me – so I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manifested a protection-mechanism within me where I go to ‘others’ looking for comfort and soothing in order to suppress the emotional and feeling turmoil existent within myself – looking for the complete opposite. So I can feel safe and secure and forget about what happened and how I reacted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of emotional and feeling turmoil within me through, as and within anger – to deal with it and keep it all in – creating a perception for myself and others that I am alright – that I am okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself through anger because I perceived anger to be more ‘stable and strong’ than the emotional, feeling turmoil which I perceived as ‘weak’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seemingly balance myself by reaching out for polarity opposites while I am actually suppressing what I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined anger as “strong and stable” as “strength”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defines strength as suppressing the weakness within myself as emotion/feeling turmoil through anger that is perceived as ‘strength’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined emotions and feelings as ‘weak’

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to define weakness as the acceptance and allowance of remaining within emotional/feeling turmoil manifested as crying due to an event/experience that had taken place with others and having others see this existence of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge myself in anger because I refuse to see myself as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in anger because I do not want to experience myself as weak – and because I do not want to be seen as weak by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build and created a protection-mechanism where I use anger – that is perceived as ‘strong’ – to suppress the emotional/feeling turmoil – perceived as weak – to protect myself by not experiencing the ‘weak’ as what I actually exist as, while protecting myself from others through manifesting myself as the perception of ‘strength’, presenting to others the illusion of ‘not being affected by the experience of even or by those who participated in it.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build/created a protection mechanism where I act out – using the emotional/feeling turmoil and physically express what is experienced within me through doing the exact same thing to another, herein protecting myself from the perspective of ‘not giving in to the authority of others’ and protecting myself from others from the perspective of revealing/showing that: If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you and even more so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception that “standing up” means “doing to another what was done unto me” – taking revenge towards another

To which persons or events do I currently still react the same way?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.

What do I do with myself when the emotions suddenly start surging up inside me as a volcano erupting as a ‘more explosive surge of emotions/feelings rising up within you’ or as a ‘storm brewing’ as a more ‘subtle’ movement of emotions/feelings culminating within you?
I first try to make sure that no one notices what I am experiencing because I do not want to be seen as weak and I try to contain and suppress the emotions within me from the moment that I am aware of them – I will try to act normal and smile and joke - then I’ll try to get away ASAP and find a place where I can be alone and just cry – seemingly not knowing why I am crying – but the feeling of being a victim is very much present then. The entire experience of the reaction comes over as being irrational and feels “ancient” in a way.

After the crying or during the crying I want no one to see me – and if someone sees me I will try to look for comfort. Or when someone comforts me without even knowing it I have the feeling to cry again.

This entire experience results in anger due to extensive suppression and self judgment – taking the entire event personally.

And then this anger I suppress as well – since I accepted this experience as a part of my self definition – not seeing the option of change.
à beliefsystem about myself and others which keeps replaying over and over throughout my life as “the way it is”


Untangling live memory

Memory:I am lying in my bed and I can hear my father coming up the stairs. He is quite heavy so you can hear him come loud and clearly. I know I am in trouble because I haven’t cleaned up my room like my mom told me to.
My heart beats really hard and fast – I feel like peeing my PJ pants.

He comes in and starts screaming in French. He talks about my mom, obeying, cleaning up room. He then drags me out of bed. I am petrified and just lie on the floor crying. He starts to kick my in my belly with his legs. I just take the entire experience and believe that there is nothing I can do but just endure it – after all the moment will pass.

After that I cry in my bed – my mom reacts to the crying and comes in to comfort me. She keeps me in a hug position, strokes my hair and goes “shhhhhhhh, it’s okaay”
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately start crying when my father came into my room all angry and screaming and beating me up – instead of standing up breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to take what was done unto me personally – but realising what he was doing it due to acceptances and allowances within himself and had nothing to do with me personally.

(Within self forgiveness à specificity = bring experience here, add realisation/insight, add as self corrective application à completeness of SF)

Practical Corrective Application in the Moment of the experience:
Breathe, stand up and not accept or allow myself to give into emotions and feelings as taking the event personally.

The realisation/insight of the Practical Corrective Application:
He is not doing it to me personally. He is merely exerting what exists of and within himself towards me that is actually himself one and equal.


Back to the memory – the physical act:
Being petrified – lying still – taking the beat – crying

Questions: What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

I experienced a tornado inside me of feelings and emotions – mostly absolute fear – within the moment that I am faced with my angry father – and this then gets intensified with me experiencing physical pain as he beats me. As if it confirms my fear.


What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

It was ‘giving into’ the emotions/feelings that I experienced in that moment within me, ‘giving in to’ was me accepting and allowing the emotions/feelings to ‘take over’ and because of this act of ‘giving in to’ emotions/feelings, I manifested the expression of and as Crying.

A complete take over and possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the emotions and feelings existent within me; of me and as me such as fear, petrification and anxiety – in the moment when my father beat me up through kicking his legs into my belly that manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotions/feelings such as fear, petrification and anxiety within me, of me and as me to ‘take over’ and posses me the moment I was beaten up by my father through him kicking me in my belly with his legs which manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

Identifying the nature of the physical action taken

Questions:

1) What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

2) What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

3) What did the other represent within their physical act of beating me up?
Treating me as ‘less then him’, making himself ‘more than me’ or ‘stronger than me’. Therefore, he represented: AUTHORITY

4) How did I experience myself within the representation of my father as ‘authority’, which he represented through his physical act of beating me up?
I experienced myself as being “belittled”, because I perceived him to be ‘more stronger than me’ because he had the ability to beat me up.I experienced me as being ‘hurt’, ‘harmed’ and ‘abused’ by him.

5) How did I confirm this experience of myself within, to myself?
Through the Act of Crying

6) What Polarity Construct was ‘playing out’ in this event?
Me, as the ‘powerless victim’ being ‘abused/harmed’ by those who establish their ‘authority as power’ to/towards me.



ASSESSMENT

I experienced myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of my father that through acts/words established his authority over/of me, that’s why I ended up crying in my bed, because I felt that I couldn’t do anything, because he was stronger than me.
I experience myself as the ‘victim’ when such a being causes me “physical pain/hurt’ as ‘abuse’ being done unto me, because there was no ‘reason’ for it and I couldn’t ‘defend’ myself.


Self Forgiveness from/of the Questions and responses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘belittled’ by and through my father that beat me up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my father as more than me and see myself as less than him, which is why I experienced myself as being “belittled”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as “less than him”, because he managed to beat me up and hurt me physically and therefore why I experienced him as “more strong than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I perceived him to be “stronger than me” and “more than me”, that little’ol me couldn’t stand up, but rather cry in bed, confirming the “less than” and “belittlement” experience existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the powerless victim in the presence of those I perceive as authority/power based on what they express towards me.

Self Forgiveness from/of the ASSESSMENT

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of those that through their acts/words establish their authority over/of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘cry in my bed’ – because I believed I couldn’t do anything – I believed I couldn’t stand up within me – because of the accepted and allowed belief that he was stronger/more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘victim’ when my father caused me physical pain through beating me up , and because of the physical pain, experienced myself as the victim,’being abused by another’.

Tracing and Identifying the manifested ‘protection-mechanism’ – through identifying the Physical Action taken after the event the Jack-in-The-Box Memory revealed

Questions:

What did I do with myself after the event occurred?
I went back into my bed and put the warm sheets over me, crawling up like a little baby. My mom then came to me to comfort me. I held her tight and she held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”

Why did I end up crying in my bed?
I went into my bed and cry because I did not know how to handle or deal with the situation. I then let my mom comfort me because I assumed that if she sees how much I am confused and in pain – that she might be able to do something to prevent this from happening again – believing that she as a grown-up (=authority) has the power to do this (=prevent this from happening again).

What did my mom do when she saw me crying?
She held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”. She did this with the intention of easing my pain. She showed me that she cared. She stayed with me till I stopped crying and calmed down and be silent. Then she left me alone to sleep in my silence.


What did I experience within me when I was with my mom according to her specific expression towards me?
I experienced comfort as she held me tight in her arms.
I experienced safety.
I experienced care
I experienced myself as being protected


ASSESSMENT
I allowed my mom to come into my bed to comfort me because I did not know how to deal or handle the situation at that moment and believed that my mother would know how to handle and help me with how I experienced myself – and prevent a situation like this from happening again. She held me tight and caressed me, stroked my hair saying “Shhhh, it’s okaay”. I felt safe, protected and being cared of. After awhile I felt calm and silent and fell asleep as if it was all just a bad dream.

Observing the actual nature of the entire experience

Questions:

What does me allowing my mom to comfort me and be with me from the perception/belief that she will know how to handle/deal with the situation/event, reveal about myself?
That I have a belief that I am not able to deal with or handle such a situation/event for myself, by myself – but would rather trust others and rely on them to figure it out – instead of assisting and supporting myself in such events/situations.

What does ‘feeling better’ only after I received comfort, soothing and care from my mother – reveal about myself?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from someone/ a source outside of myself in order to be able to deal with or handle the emotional/feeling turmoil experienced within me, after a conflicting/confrontational event.


What does the act of me allowed my mom to comfort, care and soothing me, reveal about the nature of me?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from others to only then ‘feel better’ within myself – about myself – because only then the ‘emotional/feeling’ turmoil within myself ‘goes away’, and therefore, I will allow others to come to me and give me comfort, care and soothing through physical acts of ‘holding me in their arms’ – because I know that only then, the emotional/feeling trauma ‘goes away’ (=suppressed).

What is actually really happening within me – when the emotional/feeling turmoil ‘goes away’ only after receiving comfort, care and soothing through physically being held with concerned soft words from my parents? Was I really ‘dealing’ with the even that had occurred?
No – I was not dealing with the even occurred. I suppressed it – pushed it away inside of me until I could not ‘see’ it anymore. The emotional/feeling turmoil is suppressed by replacing it with the experience I receive through physical acts as being held in my mom’s arms, through which I experience comfort/care/soothing, which ‘replace’ the ‘inner turmoil of emotions/feeling’ within à An outside physical experience, replacing the inside turmoil experienced within.Therefore, my attention is being ‘diverted’ from what I experience within, to what I’m now without.

ASSESSMENT
I have a beliefsystem about myself that I am not able to handle or deal with situations/events where I experience emotional/feeling turmoil inside of me – thus I allow others to come to me – because I believe that this other CAN , and has the power to help me handle my experience and prevent such a situation/event from happening again. When I am experiencing emotional/feeling turmoil inside of myself I believe that I have no ‘control’ over it – and that the only cure of me feeling better and silent within myself is through allowing another to sooth, comfort and care about me through physical acts such as holding me in their arms, touching and speaking words that calm me down.
I realise that I wasn’t actually dealing with the experience within myself – but just replaced one experience with a complete opposite. It is not really replaced – the first experience just gets pushed down and suppressed so that it seems that it is replaced but it is still there and it’s still not resolved.
I realise that I seek and search or wait for ‘help’ from others as an attempt to deal with an experience within myself and my world, but what actually happens is me suppressing what is experienced within myself through the receiving of help from others – instead of me standing up in and as me here and directing me one and equal to and as the moment.
Therefore, I will go to others or wait for them to come to me to suppress the experience both within and without – and this is how I “deal with” situations/experiences/events I believe I can’t handle or deal with directly one and equal here in self-honesty.
I realise that the experience of me receiving comfort, care and soothing from another is actually only diverting my attention from what is experienced within me, therefore it is suppressed within and replaced with a polarity opposite physical experience without.

The ‘Protection-Mechanism’ I exist as and ‘live out’:
In conflicting/confrontational events, I make sure I am alone and cry and wait for others to come and comfort me – because I seek protection and safety from others, within which I am comforted and soothed, protecting me from myself to not experience the emotional/feeling turmoil within, because it is replaced with my perception of ‘love’ as receiving physical expressions I experience as ‘comfort’ and ‘care’ to suppress what exist within me, and at the same time ‘hide’ within other’s ‘protection’ and ‘safety’ to not have to face those that ‘caused’ the experience within me and my world – not taking self responsibility and not directing myself - but hide and suppress.

Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others such as my mom to come and ‘help’ me with what I experience within me and my world, because I believed that I wasn’t capable or able to ‘handle’/’deal with’ or ‘direct’ the situation as me here as the moment one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘look for’ and ‘seek’ for comfort, soothing and care from others – because I believe that this is the only way to ‘deal with’ or ‘handle’/’direct’ the experience within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that I wasn’t actually really ‘dealing with’ or ‘handling’ the experience within myself through ‘waiting for others for help’ to suppress such experienced within me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a polarity system within me and as me and my world by/through suppressing what I experience within me as emotional/feeling turmoil through replacing it, in diverting my attention to physical-expressions I receive from others as comfort/care and soothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘love’ as receiving physical expressed actions from others as ‘comfort’/’care’ and soothing such as being held, hugged or caressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a ‘Protection-Mechanism’ as me as ‘waiting for others for help and comfort’ to protect me from myself through suppression and hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep repeating this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm and support the self-definition I have given myself -enhancing this self-definition every time such an event occurs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to be a part of me as the self-definition I have accepted and allowed to live as – repeating the scenario of this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm my self-definition to myself and others – as ‘who I am’ – based on past experiences and memories through which I defined myself as.


Pulling through the Jack-In-The-Box revealed construct to current time and how it still influences and affects me


Question One of Step Two: The Nature of the Physical Action:
Who and What within my world currently represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ towards whom I experience myself as ‘less than,’‘not considered,’ ‘taken for granted’ and their physical expressions of words or mannerism/behaviour causing the emotional/feeling turmoil within me, manifesting the belief of me being ‘hurt’ by them, which manifests the experience of me as being the ‘powerless victim?

I project authority unto everything and everyone. The powerless victim has become my self definition through which I live every single moment.





Question Two of Step One: The Physical Action:
Towards whom/what in my world, do I very quickly, almost instantaneously/automatically – react towards within myself, in either a ‘flurry of emotions/feelings’ within which I start crying immediately with emotions, feeling suddenly, immediately, automatically rising up within me?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.
Towards beings that yell/scream.


Mergence of Questions One and Two:
Towards whom/what within my world that in a moment of an conflicting/
confrontational situation, do I experience myself as ‘the powerless victim
being abused’ by that which represents ‘authority’ which causes me to almost
immediately, instantaneously, automatically react towards within myself in
emotions feelings that suddenly, ‘seemingly out of nowhere’ automatically
‘surge up’ inside myself?

Towards basically everyone – but with the beings mentioned in Question Two of Step One : The Physical action – it is intensified.


Question Three of Step Three: The Physical Action taken After the Event
occurred:
How do I deal with or handle sudden surges of emotional/feeling turmoil within me, when I’m faced with confrontation/conflict with another?

I try to get away asap – without showing others what I am experiencing. Once I am alone I allow myself to cry and in that confirm that I am a powerless victim. I take the event/confrontation personal and turn into self-judgment. I then suppress this experience within myself which results into anger – that compounds every time such an event occurs.



The Final Step : Identifying the Behavioural Conditioning’ as manifested physical habit that I exist as

With whom/what particular being/environment that represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ within which I experience yourself as the ‘powerless victim’ ‘without choice or right’ believing myself to be ‘disregarded,’ ‘inferiorized’ as the experience of being ‘hurt’ which causes an automatic, sudden, immediate surge of explosive/culminating emotions/feelings within
me – which manifests, for example, the ‘protection-mechanism’ wherein I ‘hide and accept the self-definition of powerless victim as myself – resulting in anger?

Whenever I am being faced with a being I place myself as inferior and the other as superior instantaneously. I believe that I have no right to speak and that the other that represents authority knows it all. I believe that I am doomed to submit myself and that I do not have to right to express myself or share my perspectives. I attempt to do everything to not get the other being angry or question me – I do everything to avoid conflict. Because I know that once there is conflict I will feel this emotional/feeling turmoil again inside myself – and I will feel like the powerless victim. And I do not want to experience this thus I stay low as my inferior placement that I placed upon myself – in order to avoid conflict – in order to not face myself as the self-defined self accepted and allowed beliefsystem that I have about myself – the self-definition I gave myself and accepted myself as and through which I live. Because I do not want to face myself and I do not want to take self-responsibility.

If conflict does occur – I totally freeze within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside of me. I wait for the right moment that I can leave and go cry on my own feeling all powerless, helpless and hopeless – the victim. I then get tired of this and get really angry. Then I suppress all of this – feel calm again and go on with my life – still going through my life every moment through the self-definition I accepted myself as – as who and what I am.


Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as ‘authority’ as ‘power’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as the ‘authoritative power’ in and as my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’ when facing other beings in a conflicting/confrontational situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘powerless victim’ towards the definition I have formed of others as being the “authoritative power”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go into’ immediate instantaneous and automatic emotional/feeling turmoil the moment I experience another acting out their ‘authoritative power’, which makes me experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’, because of my experienced reactions of surging emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the other one’s fault and that the other is to blame and the problem which cause the emotional/feeling turmoil that surge up within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that the emotional/feeling surging coming up suddenly, automatically – only exists because of the perception of me as being the ‘powerless victim’ and the perception I have formed of the other as an ‘authoritative-figure’ as the polarity opposite of what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘standing up’ and ‘not accepting being treated the way I am’ – is me secluding me in isolation and just being angry – resisting the entire event - instead of taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise – that if I attempt to fight against something, I create resistance and in that resistance, I will ‘lose’, because I am making the statement that ‘I need to fight against that which I believe is more then me’,’having power over me’ – against which I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play the game’ of ‘win/lose’ within myself in the manifested participation of me in a conflicting/confrontational situatuon/event, which in essence is a game of ‘win/lose’ as a game of ‘inferiority/superiority’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously place myself as inferior when being faced with another being – and within that place the other as superior – seeing the other as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no right to speak within the perception that the other is superior to me and represents authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately assume that the other beings knows best – knows it all – when I am faced with another being and I place myself as inferior towards this being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards another when being faced with another being – believing that I am doomed to submit myself to this other being and that I do not have the right to express myself and/or share my perspectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mysef as inferior instantaneously when being faced with another being because I want to make sure that I do not create conflict – and I believe that by placing myself as inferior I will not trigger anything in the other being and thus be able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior instantaneously because I fear the emotional/feeling turmoil that I might experience if conflict occurs – in placing myself as inferior I believe that I have less chance of triggering something in the other being – believing that I am not challenging the other being as superiority and thus am able to avoid conflict because I want to avoid the emotional/feeling turmoil within myself that will surge up if conflict occurs – and I want to avoid feeling like an angry hopeless, powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist the experience of emotional/feeling turmoil within myself because I do not want to be faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless, powerless victim because I fear and do not dare to take self-responsibility and self-directive action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze in petrification within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside me because of conflict – because I am now being faced with myself as the self-definition of myself and that’s which I fear and when faced with this I stand in total petrification, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait within this event of conflict for the right moment to leave while I do not show what (or try my best not to show) what is going on inside me – running away from myself within this –stating that I cannot handle this – stating that I am not able to deal with this through the physical act of walking away from the event which I already invited within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right moment within a conflict event to go away to then be on my own where no one can see and hear me to cry and within the crying confirm my own self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the event that happened personally.

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I was not able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a loser when conflict does occur.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the event has got nothing to do with me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event because I triggered something within another – and thus I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the other being within the position of authority as ‘untouchable’ and thus they cannot be to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in total anger within myself while crying and confirming my accepted self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim – because I am not taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility and direct myself one and equal in self honesty instead of drowning in my self pity, drowning in my confirmed self definition as a powerless, helpless victim that it in anger but not practically doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I experience within the acceptance of my self-definition of a powerless, helpless victim – accepting this as my self definition, believing that I cannot change this since I am powerless – so I push it away where I do not have to feel or see it and then go on to live out my self definition.

Realisation points during weekend in Amsterdam

Realisation points during weekend in Amsterdam

When me and Maite arrived at the Amsterdam Central Station it was weird first of all seeing Jozien with her kids – seeing Jozien as mom.

What was really scary was seeing myself as one of Jozien’s kids – Lulu – the youngest – and seeing Maite as Zina – the eldest.

Just in one moment I was already able to see the entire set-up between those two and what would happen to them if there wouldn’t be any intervention. They would end up just like me and Maite. Just the entire set-up and ‘position’ a being has within the family construct already has got a major impact on the development of a being’s self-definition.

So it was cool discussing that point and how we saw things and how we could see the course of things if there wouldn’t be any direct intervention.

Seeing Lulu was also a self-responsibility point for myself. Seeing that it is fucking unacceptable for a kid to be influenced by environment and family set-up.
Seeing Lulu play and eat – doing whatever – brought up a lot of memories and experiences within myself. Which was quiet cool.

You see yourself as another being physically manifested – and she is only one year old. It was so fucking cool that I had this opportunity to just sit there and observe myself as a one year old kid. It was fascinating – even if it was only for a few moments (they left soon to go to family during the weekend).

It was as if she was holding the key to breaking down my self-definition / beliefsystem that I have about myself. And I hold to key for Jozien to practically assist Lulu and in that hold the key for Lulu to “prevent” her from ending up like me.

Cause really, that’s such an unnecesarry experience hahahaha.

It was a pretty intense weekend – lots of points opened up.
Very cool.

Kids are awesome.

My experiences with money

My experiences with money

When I was little my mom told me to save all my pocket money in a little bear. She said that once the bear was nice and full I could buy myself something nice. Woah, was I just excited to see the pile of little coins growing.

So every Sunday when I would get my pocket money I’d put it in the bear (his body was transparant till his chest) and I could see the pile get a bit bigger. I was so proud of myself putting those coins in there and seeing how it would grow.

Then one day, after saving looooooooooooooooooooong time , me and my mom counted the money and she decided that it was cool now for me to go and buy something.
I was so happy. I never had all the cool toys that my friends were used to so I was happy and hoping that I could get something nice like my friends had.

So this once day we go to this toy shop and I could go look around for something to buy for myself. I was amazed by all the pretty colours and all the shiny plastic things around me in the shop. Every time I pointed something out and yelled my mom “MOMMY MOMMY LOOK AT THIS!!!!!” she would simply go, no, too expensive, you don’t have that kind of money.

So everytime I would make sure if I pointed something out that it was cheaper than the thing I just pointed out but it would always still be too expensive – pfft, after a while the excitement was all gone.

Eventually I found this board where you can draw on with a little pen and the board could erase the drawings on it – it was like something magical. And my mom kept saying ‘Don’t you like drawing?? Yes you like drawing, buy this!!”.

I didn’t look as cool as all the other things. But my mom said it was from a good brand like me brother his little car and that it would last long – so that I had to buy it – and that it would be a good decision.
So I was like ok, I’ll buy this then.

Suddenly ALL my coins gone. But I was happy cause I had something for myself now. There were alse these pre-made pastic things that you could put in the board and then you had to follow the lines that were on them and then you’d get the drawing on the board.

But it got very boring after awhile. There was really nothing to it.


That’s my first experience with money that I can remember.

So what did my mom teach me:

Save your money
Buy something of a brand
Buy something that is not just fun but from which you can also learn (drawing)
Everything is expensive
You are limited by the amount of money you own.


Interesting – just now as I went downstairs to get my tobacco the memories of buying my guitars popped up.

Just like drawing – playing music is also good for your kids. You know, develop in their talents and shit.

I wanted to learn how to play guitar when I was a litle kid because I enjoyed music and it would make me cool.
My father and mother were happy that I wanted to learn how to play an instument – them being such good parents they bought me an accoustic guitar.

Well actually, I HAD to learn how to play an instrument. Already from when I was very very small I used to go music school and I would learn reading notes, and about melody and rhythm and we’d play flute.

Then when I was a bit older but still very young the lessons got more advanced and we had to write down the notes that our teacher was playing on the piano and the rhythm – and we also had to sing notes – brrrrrrrrrr.

I really hated that because it never worked out for me to sing in the class for everyone.
All of them were girls and had excellent voices and could sing very nice. And I was there because my parents had sent me there – not because I had talent.

I was always so embarrased when I had to sing infront of everyone – it was bloody painful.

But once I was out of there and alone – I could sing those notes just fine lol.

Anyway, I’m getting a bit off topic. At one point after a few years of music school you have to decide what instrument you want to learn. I actually wanted to play the harp but because it was bloody expensive I never mentioned it to my parents so I just said like yeah ok guitar then.
(they knew I was interested but they made sure I knew that buying a harp was very expensive)

Anyway at some point I stopped going to music school because I would almost piss my pants every time I’d enter those doors because of the “YOU HAVE TO PERFORM – pressure”.
I just couldn’t handle it so I cried and cried till it got through to my mom that this was not what I wanted to do.

Afterwards I learnt to play guitar by myself and then I actually had fun. I then started saving for an electric guitar which my parents approved because it is good for the development of your kid. When they decided that I had enough money I could buy one – and so I did.
Again all my money gone but I had my electric guitar.
That also got boring after awhile.
So then I thought that a bass guitar might be more fun – so I saved for that – bought one – same story.

Then I said fuck that saving thing there’s not anything that I can buy that’s gonna make me feel better or enjoy myself.

Soon after that my money would go to cigarettes haha. At least I enjoy those lol.

Buying cigarettes was then considered as bad because all my money would go to it every week and I would have nothing left but it was not like I needed money for anything else.
My parents always gave me very little pocket money and if I asked them why so little they would say :”Well you get everything you need from us so why need more.” That seemed like an acceptable answer at the time.

But it was just their way to make sure I was completely dependent on them.
That’s so evil. And I only saw this when it was “too late”.

When I was in highschool the question came up of maybe doing a student job during the holidays but I was like “wtf, you guys give me everything I need right, I don’t need the money – I’m glad it’s holidays I hate school why the fuck would I want to get a job? Holidays are there to have fun not to work”

So I never got myself a student job because there was no “why” involved – there was no reason why I should do it so I didn’t lol.
At that time it was already decided that I would go to university and study and that my parents would pay my studies. And that I’d get a job with my degree then.

But that plan didn’t really work out….


So now I still have no money because all my money goes to my cigarettes – the last time I saved money was for a pen and tablet to draw on computer – which I do enjoy and it’s the only thing I do not regret buying along with cigarettes.

I still only get enough money to pay for my cigarettes – I decided I do not want to study because there is nothing that interests me – so now the entire “plan” that was set up for me is fucked and I am stuck.

I never considered – and so did my parents – that maybe I might not end up studying – that maybe I would not follow the path they wanted me to follow.

And now that I made clear that I’m not going to do that. I’m pretty fucked concerning money.
Because I do not study my parents do not get child support money from the governement.
So they want me to get a job and pay them money.

And they still want me to go study – atleast my dad. So that is what I told him. He believes that I am going to study next year (the study costs 10 000 euros for 4 years omg) and he is willing to pay it.

See – the only reason I could go to SA was because I said to my father that I would get a job when I’d be back and study afterwards.
Else I wouldn’t have been allowed to go – and in my misery I would have ended up studying something random because if I do not do as he wants – he either kills me or I get kicked out and I have nowhere to go.

Basically my entire life I did not have to worry about money – and I did not have to work with money. Because it wasn’t necesarry for the path my parents had set out for me.
But now that I do not follow that path – I’m pretty fucked.

I am now basically home all day – I cannot go anywhere because it costs me money. If I ask my mom for money she says get a job. I can’t do anything because everything costs money. And the only reply I keep getting is “get a job”. Or “when you have a job you’re allowed to have this and that.”

And since I never worked in my life – and I went to an Art Highschool – my resumé looks pretty crappy. ( Art highschool doesn’t look good on a resumé in case you didn’t know – people then think you are a self centered ego person that cannot work)And I do not have many options as a job
So now I have been looking for a job and have some job interviews coming up.
At one point I had one – but it turned out I’d have to work my ass of for only 500 euros a month – from which I have to give 250 to my parents which leaves me with 250 euros.

And me being exhausted.


Sooo, yea

Bottom line

Money sucks

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