Day 243: Ruthless

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the mind is ruthless

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the mind is ruthless in its constant bombardment towards giving up and giving in

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the ruthless nature of the mind in setting oneself up to give up, give in through a myriad of reasons, excuses and justifications

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have been ruthless in my acceptance and allowance of the mind - accepting and allowing for much destruction in denying and hiding from what is here - where there is a dark side that ‘doesn’t care’, that doesn’t care who gets hurt, who gets fucked up as long as I can hold on to my self-interest and do not want to budge from this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to care about myself but in the dark corners of my mind plan my own demise

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have de-manned myself and have become demonic 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is a gift within this - as this nature indicates and shows that Ruthlessness has been lived, but has not been lived in a supportive and constructive manner - but has been lived regardless and can be redirected and re-focussed

I commit myself to live ruthlessness in a constructive manner, in favour of life instead of its destruction

I commit myself to turn my weakness into my strength

I commit myself to daily find moments to be ruthless with myself within self-care - real self-care

Day 242: Stepping out of Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to fear and the alternate reality it opens up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my fears and anxieties as a way to guide and direct me that it feels unnatural 'not to' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the future needs to be foretold and be known 100% before I can walk it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not have in any way predicted where I am today and the path I have walked and yet: I am here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes discipline to condition myself and my body into fear and that it takes discipline to say No in every moment to get out of the experience 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes time to walk through the layers of the onion -- to be patient with myself and yet not use 'it's not going fast enough / it's not all sorted 'here and now'' as an excuse that 'it's not working' -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live both patience and perseverance in equal measure - where I tend to either be 'too patient' where I let time pass but without the dedicated movement and action of myself or where I am being forceful and hard with myself cause I want to get it done 'here and now' and then react that it's not done in 'one moment' as 'one decision' as it's a decision I have to make and live again and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself when I am making changes -- thinking and believing 'no this can't be it' and then plunge myself deeper into the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply a solution consistently enough to see what comes of it and actually take myself through to the other side

Day 241: Enjoyment

I forgive you I have accepted and allowed myself to fear enjoying myself as my expression as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not safe to enjoy myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is safe to be in fear, despite the physical experience and evidence that anything done out of fear only creates more fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on enjoying myself as my expression as me - believing and perceiving that there is no space for expression and enjoyment in this world - despite everyone actually wanting to enjoy and express themselves 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over the years have trained myself out of expression and into fear until it manifested as a physical integration 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is going to take time to train myself out of fear and into expression 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to 'snap out' of the fear conditioned experiences in my body - not seeing and realizing that it took time to condition my body to fear and that it takes time to deliberately recondition the body to expression 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am going through a learning process specific to my process and location point where I am and have been walking through a lot of points that are specifically challenging to me - where we all have our challenge points and periods, our 'Dark Night of the Soul' 

I commit myself to see and realize that this is not forever and that this too will end 

I commit myself to trust that I learn and grow from these experiences, no matter how painful it may currently seem

I commit myself to walk this phase without judgment 

Day 240: The Non-Believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘work’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘burden’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a burden out of everything in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything and everyone as out to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone pushing through resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself to such an extent that even the most basic things like feeding myself have become a burden 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind 'I have time', behind 'I don't have to do this right now', behind 'choice' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time things will get easier' that 'time heals all wounds' - not seeing and realizing that it is in reverse, that wounds fester and grow deeper roots 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for things to 'come together' on their own accord

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have taken Bernard's words to heart, for real - but instead stored them as knowledge and information in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time it will be easier to live and apply his words' with the hidden notion that 'maybe I don't have to live and apply them, maybe there's a way out' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wasted my time and continue to waste my time 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to save me from myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have twisted the words 'believing in myself' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as hoping and waiting for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'believing in myself' as 'taking a backseat' within myself, that I don't have to be aware, that I don't have to be in breath 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as passive hope, waiting and hoping for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow exempt from reality and consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a state of shock, of ‘oh shit, I really have to do this, WE really have to do this’ - where there is a sense of ‘I can’t believe this is happening, this is real’ even though it has been shared and foretold many times, but I took it for granted, believed and perceived that somehow there’s going to be a ‘happy ending’ - yet all the indicators are not pointing at a happy ending , things are getting worse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process as a method of ‘self improvement’ as a way to ‘improve myself’ and ‘improve my life’ - looking only at the context of ‘my life’ and ‘this one life’ and not from the perspective of eternity as eternal being that is going to be here after death, as a being that is part of all that is here, that there is no actual ‘death’ as ‘an end’ - there is no escaping what is here as what I have accepted and allowed as what is currently exists here on this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as overcoming ‘some limitations’ and not within the commitment to overcome ALL limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence because I already decided at the beginning of my process that ‘I can’t really do this’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that I ‘can’t really do this’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself that walking process is ‘impossible’ and within that never really committed 100%

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard is the exception 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard asked everyone to do the impossible 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as a lifestyle - and in essence have walked as a non-believer, as a Judas - showing a front of agreement but behind my back crossing my fingers that 'I don't actually believe this' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process had seen the implications of Bernard's words, of being the directive principle in EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH, even when ASLEEP - and to have in that moment gone 'pfft, no way, that's stretching it too far' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really have started my process but been only walking the process to walking my process - still 'making up my mind' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been walking in postponement, waiting 'for proof' even though I lived with the walking and talking proof as Bernard 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process like a dream - that it's not really real - while it is all in reverse - what I thought was real and important was the dream 

Day 239: Experience Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my experiences as I perceive and believe that the only way to give myself direction and derive guidelines of ‘who to be’ and ‘what to do’ comes from what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the only way to have direction and have a guideline is to fall back on my experiences as my compass of positive and negative as what to say yes and no to depending on what I experience as positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that using experience as emotions and feelings and thoughts as the morality construct of right and wrong is the only way to have direction in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I am giving up direction for myself in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that there is ‘nothing else’ and ‘nothing left’ to fall back on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I do not have the capacity of common sense and considering what is best for all and so when the notion comes up of ‘give up all emotions, feelings and thoughts’ I go into a panic -- because I perceive and believe that nothing else exists besides emotions, feelings and thoughts 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a continuous dance of balancing the positive and negative energetic experiences inside myself - constantly compensating one for the other, perceiving and believing that I am 'moving forward' but really I am just stuck in a cycle of infinity, moving between polarities, where even though the 'seasons' change, I have not changed, I only think and perceive I have changed based on the notion that 'there was movement' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if only I had more positive experiences that 'things would be better' - not seeing and realizing that only the 'experience' is better but that this is not an actual indicator of things for real being and moving better - as both the positive and negative energy are an illusion and not an indicator of reality 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I am incapable of principled living which then only leaves me with experienced living -- which leaves me as a victim to the dictations of my mind as the positives and negatives I've accumulated and assigned to words throughout my childhood from my family, culture, environment - which is essentially random as it is based on the negatives and positives others had assigned and passed on / shared through various encounters where I have established my own ‘cocktail’ of positives and negatives as ‘MY’ outlook on life encapsulated in positive and negative experiences, not seeing and realizing that it is not MY outlook on life and living but the outlooks I’ve copied and integrated from those around and before me

 

Day 238: Avoiding Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a Fool for having had and wanting to Trust Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as dangerous and reckless to drop the ways of the System and to rather embrace the ways of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trusting Life, the moment, here -- perceiving and believing that it is naive and gullible and a sure way to destroy myself and others around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is not safe to Trust Life and that I have to use walls of knowledge and information to protect and defend me -- where I am constantly in a state of control and wanting to be ‘on top’ of the situation, not seeing the moment, not trusting the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is all in reverse - that it is not safe to trust the mind in its limited ways and that it is safe to trust life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of trusting myself as life, as process


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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected trusting myself, trusting life with causing pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become scared of taking responsibility for myself and others because I have connected it to certain events where I was blamed for someone's pain and suffering and allowed it to crush me, allowed it to create pain and suffering within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility, to trust myself, to stand with and as myself because I perceive and believe that 'I am not the right person', 'please don't ask me to stand' - 'I am going to fuck up and create pain and suffering for me and for others'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as my point of responsibility, of trust - believing and perceiving that it will only create disappointment for myself and others, so please don't ask anything of me, don't ask me to be or do more - it will only create more suffering, it is better if I take myself out of the equation and save everyone a lot of pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cringe at the sight of 'being more' of 'doing more' - believing and perceiving that I am doomed and rotten to the core, that when others ask me for assistance or support, hold within me 'you don't know who you are dealing with, I am not who you think I am - don't ask me to support because it will only create more pain and suffering'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten who I am - where all that exists and remains is the pain and hurt of having 'fucked up' where I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to one / a few events that I have defined as a 'fuck up' as a 'failure' and as a disappointment to myself and others - holding on to this 'bad' while forgetting and disregarding any good I created and contributed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the constant fear and anticipation that I am going to be blindsided again and have a shitstorm pour over me, that it is inevitable and just 'waiting to happen' - where I perceive and believe I can't trust 'any good' within myself or others, that is bound to get smashed in my face and that I will feel stupid and foolish for having put any trust and faith in myself and others

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the worst of myself and others, of the world - as a way to protect myself from any hurt and pain, as a way to avoid disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by holding my eye, my focus and attention steady on the worst, on all that is going wrong and can go wrong - that is what I am nurturing and maintaining within myself and within the world - in essence creating that which I fear, that which I dislike - and only seeing that of myself and others which confirms my starting point 'as the worst' - and so I am constantly trapped and experience only the worst of me, as a constant inner hell and do not allow myself to experience anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the statement that 'you don't know who I really am' as the worst of me - feeling convinced that is the 'the truth', the 'reality' - not considering that I am so consumed by one or a few experiences - that it is actually I, who does not know who I am and I am not allowing myself to find out who I really am and who I could be - because I have already condemned myself to the worst

Day 237: Torn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the inevitable 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the call for change - both internally and externally 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that things need to change, that there is no such thing as retaining and maintaining the status quo - because the status quo is part of a dynamic movement which is a downward spiral - and to 'keep things as is' is to keep the downward spiral in place - where even though everything 'seems alright' and there's no 'apparent need for change' - it's only because of the current position I am in within the trend, like a boat on a river that is doing fine, even though the pace of the river is ever so slightly speeding up, hinting at an eventual massive waterfall. BUT because the waterfall is not yet here, it's not yet in sight - I tell myself that everything is okay, that I can ignore the changes that are hinting and indicating the inevitable. Within this placing myself in a position of friction - where I can see, but pretend to not see, want to ‘unsee’ and every moment I act in denial of the changes taking place, the friction, the inner conflict builds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the old, the familiar, the known - while at the same time seeing that holding on to the old, the familiar and the known is to my detriment -- being torn between the pain of changing and the pain of the consequences of remaining the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in letting go of the old, to change and adapt - that I would rather ‘go down with the ship’ than changing course and direction while I still can - even if the outcome of that is unknown -- the going down of the ship is known

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequences to manifest, to wait for a point where there is a certain level of ‘too lateness’ yet have a definitive conclusion that ‘this wasn’t the way to go’ - to only then change, by force, through circumstance, instead of me having directed me when there was still more ‘playroom’ and more options available

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that for me to take action and act on the changes of the currents, that I need to be perfectly clear inside myself, instead of seeing and realizing that I need to move and act despite the inner challenges and struggles, that the inner challenges and struggles are part of the process, part of the change, part of the ‘growing pains’

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be kind and considerate towards myself and the rifts and ripples I go through and yet to not allow these rifts and ripples to stop me from moving forward

Day 236: Getting Ahead of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE THIS EXPERIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get rid of the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to understand the experience I am in, I just want it GONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for the experience that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself that I am not getting out of this experience 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is useless to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the self forgiveness I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being in a point of negativity, for being negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my current experience and point I am walking invalidates all of who I am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am never going to move out of this experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk this point truly, because of the shame and judgment involved, any effort or attempt has only been to get rid off and get away from the experience, to get back to a sense of ‘normality’ when this point was not present or at least not active / activated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I cannot ‘afford’ to walk this point, that it just needs to be ‘gone and done’ 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have made everything about ‘the destination’ - of where I think I should be of where I think I should be at - wanting to be there without walking the process, the journey

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get ahead of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to skip ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to walk the physical process of walking a point through

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to be patient with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in a state of urgency, where I perceive and believe that I need to change NOW, things have to move and change NOW and every day that things are still the same I perceive and believe as a judgment and failure on my part

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the process of 1 + 1 + 1 +1 - denying the process of creation and only being fixated on the outcome / end result

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fixating on the outcome / end result without giving attention to the process of creation is pointless and shows how much I have been stuck in my mind dimension where everything is ‘instant’, expecting physical reality to match my imagination - where I can see and conceptualize my correction, my living potential - but it’s not here YET, where I get hung up on the fact that I can see it but it’s not yet manifested as a reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my own experience and points worse for myself by constantly comparing myself to the potential that I see and envision for myself, reacting that I am not yet there or rather that it’s not yet ‘here’ and within that add more fuel to the fire, add more energy to the experience I am already in and blowing it out of proportion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hold the potential I can see for myself as a seed within me that I nurture within myself - to in every day and every moment ask myself: how can I nurture this seed? What is the + 1 that will assist and support me right here, right now to assist in the creation and manifestation process of my potential - to focus on what is Here and what is in my Reach to work with - rather than getting stuck in future projections and imaginations and build up more energy/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into a drop after writing this - not believing in myself, not wanting to give myself a chance

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the drop was created because I had a moment of hesitation, a moment of doubt a moment of postponement and did not immediately act on the statement that I wrote out for myself

Day 235: Taunting Myself

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to Anchor myself within my breathing, within my chest - within the Here moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to fullness of the moment Here and instead keep sending myself down the highway of my mind with many lanes going into many different directions and many lights demanding my attention -- believing and perceiving that this is what is important, that being in my head is supportive and constructive - that this provides me valuable information -- in the meantime being blind to the reality and moment I am in, being blind to me here and being consumed by an alternate reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is dangerous to be here and not follow the ‘pop up’ advertisement of the mind of ‘look at this!, follow this! Investigate this! You may want to fear this!’ - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my mind has my best interest at heart and that it serves me to follow my mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mind does not have my best interest at heart - but only cares about its self-preservation and being high on energy regardless of the consequences to myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried reasoning my way out of my mind from within my mind - not seeing and realising that this is like trying to walk out of a maze that doesn’t have an entry and exit - it’s designed to just keep going forever. I cannot ‘walk out of the maze’ there is only ‘dropping the whole maze’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mis-placed my trust in the mind, in the system, in separation - instead of placing my trust in breath, in the moment, in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the relief that comes with being here with the breath, the groundedness of the physical, the stability of the moment is ‘too good to be true’ and then sabotage myself by bringing up pictures, images, projections and beliefs that are known triggers and get me going on a rollercoaster of energy to disprove to myself that I can be here, stable, grounded and that I need to be ‘on high alert’ that ‘I am not safe’ and that I am ‘kidding myself’ by trusting the moment and life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become habituated to taunting myself, to rattling myself up, to getting energy going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taunt my own efforts at change where the moment I move myself beyond diminishment and into empowerment I unleash a tsunami of triggers towards myself as if to say to myself ‘no you’re not allowed to! You’re not allowed to be at peace! You’re not allowed to believe in yourself and others! Get back to your corner!!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become my own worst bully, my own worst enemy - taunting myself into submission and defeat 

Eqafe Interviews:

Introduction to Self Bullying and Self-Hatred - Atlanteans - Part 473
Self Bullying and Self Hatred Part 2 - Atlanteans - Part 474

Day 234: Giving Up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the illusion of giving up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when all is apparently lost, then there is nothing more to lose and everything to gain

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that throughout not giving up or giving up or being in limbo - I am still here, I have always been here and will remain here

Day 233: Depression and Denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus on ‘getting through the day’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my day in anticipation of my day being over, to wait for the time where I am ‘too tired to do anything’ and can go to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a form of depression as a consequence of not directing my fearfulness - where I fear ‘my day’ but really fear myself within my day as I anticipate ‘more of the same’ to take place and be experienced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarity towards the day and night, fearing and wanting to avoid the day, wanting the day to get ‘over and done with’ - while looking forward to the night where I can ‘shut down’ and basically ‘not be existent’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be existent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out the time and state as sleep where ‘nothing more is required of me’ because I’ve made myself believe that it is all too much and too overwhelming

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I make things too much and too overwhelming through my very relationship with the day and night, my relationship to being awake and not being awake - where each time I resist the day, the night ‘becomes sweeter’ and the ‘sweeter’ the night becomes, the more I resist the day - trapping myself in a compounded loop where I enhance my experiences, polarizing myself even more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be awake, to not want to be existent because I have on some level given up on myself, given up on the fact that I can change, that my experience can change, that I can be the directive principle of myself instead of a slave to my mind and emotional experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by referencing my experience of fear and overwhelm, that ‘this is just the way things are’ and that there is ‘no way out’ and ‘no chance of change’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only reason I don’t want to be existent is because I have accepted my state and position as being a slave to the mind - where I am stuck in the haze of the ‘now’ of consciousness where no moment is ‘new’ as every moment is laid over and projected over by my mind 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by saying that ‘nothing is changing’, looking for external change as a reward that I am ‘doing the right thing’

Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for myself, despite what may or may not be changing on the outside - where I have created conditions around my process that make it either ‘worth it’ or ‘not worth it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fixated my process on ‘doing’ as what I am doing / not doing and what others are doing / not doing instead of focusing on Who I Am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chore out of process, a religion - where I ‘move’ and ‘do my corrections’ but do not do them as myself, but do them from a sense of ‘avoiding damnation’, of ‘having to do the right thing’ - from a ‘I have to’ not because ‘I want to’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have become a victim to myself, abdicating self-responsibility by blaming others for the actions and decisions I have made and the actions and decisions I have not made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations instead of fighting and arguing for my expansion and growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my idea that I cannot be self-responsible, that I am not a creator, that I am not of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in constant denial of my true nature, in denial of Oneness and Equality as an Equal Creator of Reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the belief that I am not a creator, that I am just a victim and a slave - not consider what it is I want to create for myself and everyone because apparently ‘that’s not even an option’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe or conceive that I am more than who I think and believe I am as a character - to only see and behold myself from a System’s perspective and have stopped seeing myself and who I am within the context of Life, as a Child of Life

Day 232: Fear, so much Fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself things to do to keep busy, to keep engaged and have myself focus on anything but my experience of fear and survival - to then when one moment / task is done - plunge into a panic of ‘what now??? Now it’s all back!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own fear / of me experiencing and embodying fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my fear is very valid, where I perceive and believe my fear is my ‘voice of reason’ and that it’s there for a reason and that I must listen to it and be engaged with it because it’s trying to tell me something important that I need to know / be aware of to be able to avoid some worst case scenario -- and yet at the same time be so consumed by the fear that all I exist as is this fear and see no solutions, no direction and only react more to the state I am in which compounds the fear even more

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and distract myself from my fears and my experiences by keeping busy and keeping engaged so that I do not have a moment to myself where I am alone with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on the one hand want to get away from my experience of fear because I ‘disappear’ and yet at the same time want to be engaged in my fear, give it attention, because I perceive and believe that it’s telling me information to protect me and I must act on my fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my fear in separation of myself, as this external entity that attacks and ‘takes over’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than my fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the creator of my own fear, that I am the one creating my own overwhelming experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that I am capable of creating overwhelming experiences for and towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my fears where I will tell myself ‘let go of the fear, whether I am in fear or not, I am here anyway’ - where for a moment I have peace inside myself only to then bring up all the ‘what ifs’ I have been fearing as if to put me ‘back in my place’ , ‘back to diminishment’ that I am ‘not allowed to not have fear’, that ‘fearlessness is ignorant and stupid’ - who do I think I am to not be fearful?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the only way to give direction to points of concern is by fearing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being responsible and considerate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearfulness is a practical survival skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being aware 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be able to list all the things that can go wrong and being aware of everything that can go wrong at a given moment is ‘responsible’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is the answer to everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that fear is justified because of previous moments / events where I didn’t know how to direct something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past shows me my future, in that the future is necessarily going to be the same as the past and that I am bound to experience myself in the same way and respond to things the same way and so I am trapped and a victim and will only ever experience myself as my limitations 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear because I do not trust that I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even within this very self-forgiveness defend and justify my fears through logic

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself that I do not need fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and defend the known while at the same time being unwilling to explore the unknown 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my fear and justify my fearfulness because apparently it ‘got me this far’ and so ‘has to be of use / valuable’ and that it is ‘reckless’ to ‘give that up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to place the blame outside of myself as to ‘why I am so fearful’, that it’s because of ‘all of these reasons and things are just worth fearing’ while in reality I have not taken enough time, consistently, to do my writing, my forgiveness and have let things accumulate to the point where I am ‘too full of stuff’ and everything seems hopeless with no solution in sight - while I very well know that when I was most empowered was then I was writing and doing forgiveness consistently and that my current experience is a manifested consequence of ‘letting things slide’

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I could ‘afford’ to let things slide because I had reached a point of stability within myself and things were working out - perceiving and believing that once it has been ‘achieved’ it will remain there forevermore, taking only note of the end result and not the process of creation and that it is this process of creation that requires to be maintained and practised consistently over time

I commit myself to get back to what I know serves me, to the basics, to the tools that have always supported me as breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and actions

I commit myself to trust myself to get back to my real self, to trust that my experience of fearfulness is not a final condemnation and an absolute, that I am not bound to and by fear -- and that I can experience, live and express myself as my best potential both for myself and for others as myself