Thursday, 3 July 2008

Leila has got her periods


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to cancel everything I planned because of my periods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to just do nothing cause of having my periods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything because of the pain that goes along with periods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the pain is unbearable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke heaps of cigarettes to ease the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for having my periods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my human physical body as me for having my periods every month.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start worrying about my periods a week before I have them, because I worry about the pain and worry that I will have to cancel my plans because of the pain and discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the state of having my periods direct and rule, control me for an entire week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take in consideration that I have my periods whenever I have to do something and ask myself "maybe this is not a good idea, because of my periods?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself while having my periods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my periods limit me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do a lot of things I enjoy because
I have my periods and I want to make sure I have a toiler nearby and a bed on which I can lay down and lots of cigarettessssssssss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wouldnt survive my periods without cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would die from pain if I had no cigarettes to smoke while having my periods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to find someone I can blame for my periods but there is no one to blame so I get frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated by self responsibilty because it means it is all up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to my chocolate craving during my periods by making a huge chocolate smoothie with heaps of chocolate and ice in it .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the chocolate smoothie cause I knew I shouldnt but I wanted it sooooo bad.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just STOP whenever I need to.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the chocolate smoothie because I expect it will make me fatter while I am trying to lose a bit fo weight so i can
fit back into my pants properly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I can't fit most of my pants anymore properly while they used to be too big for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be either too skinny or getting too fat.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just stay the way i am so I can fit all my damn clothes lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mom her reaction when telling I cannot fit my pants anymore because she makes lots of comments about me getting fat
and my belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose weight so my mom would stop making those comments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad whenever my mom makes a comment about my weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a complete failure whenever mom makes a comment about my weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to lose weight cause mom did not make comments about my weight when I was thinner and she would even give compliments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to lose weight because I want my mom to be proud of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever have fed myself with mom her compliments instead of food so i got way too skinny.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthy when mom used to say "look at you, you beautiful skinny girl, if only I could lose some fat"

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lose weight for my mom because she is not able to lose her fat so she can atleast look at me and be proud of me and turn it into being proud of herself because I am her daughter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do what my mom wants to do but is not able to do so I can live her non lived life a bit for her as a reflection of herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to make my mom happy.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I cannot possibly make my mom happy - only she can for herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself so I can lve up to my mom her expectations and live her a life a bit for her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed her and my mind by going with the programm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my mom to be proud of her daughter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should make my mom proud of me only because I am her daughter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of myself because I went to an art school and my mom never did because she didn't have a choice.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should go study something get a job and have a succesful carreer because thats what my parents never achieved
and I want to make them proud and let them know that its all OK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to follow the life my parents have in mind for me because I want them to be happy and content instead of me doing my thing for me, enjoying me and living for ME.

I forgive myself thaT i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to give my life away to my parents expectations because they've put me in this world, I'm their flesh and blood,
they own me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents own me because I am their daughter and I have the same last name.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for already have followed a part of their expectations and still wanting to follow them instead of standing up for myself and living my life for me.

I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tempted to do the opposite of their expectations just to piss them off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to generate and create reactions from my mom and dad by doing to opposite of what they expect me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to do the opposite of what they want me to do just to fuck with them and by doing that actually also fucking myself because then
I would still not live my life for me but as a reaction to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to take revenge on my parents by doing to the opposite of what they want me to do just to make them angry and because I blame them for following their expectations.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can either follow their expectations or not, and that if I do , that I am to blame and not my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my parents for having expectations without realising that it is up to me to follow them or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to blame my parents for the life I live while only I is responsible for my own life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the entirety of what self responsibility entails.
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