Sunday, 27 January 2008

27/01/2008

Internet was slow the last few days do I haven't really "updated" the blog. I did some self forgiveness while being at school which I will post later.
I feel like all this writing is is literally making you go empty inside. Bot negative. A sort of cleansing, puking everything out through words. I've been feeling more comfortable lately with myself. Calm and "peaceful". It's still hard to stop all those thoughts popping up with everything you see, hear. Thoughts about the past an future. Imagining things. But it's getting better. Stabelizing slowly but surely. I'm beginning to be more honest towards friends and teachers. It's kind of scary lol. I surprise myself sometimes with what I say in the moment. I like that.
Veno suggested that I started singing... So I did that. It's weird bevause my throat is hurting and when i sing it gets better after awhile. I remember three years ago or so I had a throat infection and I hurt like a lot. It hurts to breath, it hurts to drink, it hurts to swallow. But I got better rather fast. I would be at home alone while everyone was at work/school and then I would sing along with music from Bjork. And if you know Bjork you know its not easy lol. Well I jsut sang along, pushed myself and the singing cleared my throat. I don't know if it's jsut coincidence.. But I feel it's helping. Been singing more at school, on the street (very very quiet though lol). I'm embarrased when people notice me singing. I only hear myself singing in my head but I have no idea what I really sound like. And maybe I don't wanna know :p Mayvbe I'll record myself one day hehe.
I think I should work on my sleep. When it's school i "easily" wake up after 6 hours of sleep, but once the weekend starts I sleep like 10-12 hours :-S. And when i wake up I hear my irritating alarm, open my eyes and feel as if the weight of the world is pouring down on me. As if i get locked back into this world. It's like hmmmmm... the feeling reminds me of a thick door or a safe where you have these steel bars locking in like FFviiieeum! and they're locked. You're locked. And then I go "OOOoooh nooooo, I'm still here, oh shit and I'll be here all day long o boy I don't feel like waking up and going to school, fucking school" and then I go"Leila that's no excuse just wake up and get your lazy ass to the kitchen". But the first impression/feeling is sooooo tempting. To just lay in your bed and wander of into this kind of "nothingness". I still see sleep as an escape thing. A place where I have no responsability where I have to do nothing..
living the day out is stil hard task. I really have to push myself. One of these days i'll probably just stay home instead of going to school. But that would be self dishonesty. So that being said I'll go to school anyway. In a few weeks we'll be going to Berlin with school. I'll do my best with being self honest etc. Last year we went to Paris. Visiting museums during the day and in the evenings/night everyone would just get stoned and drunk. I really was too drunk. So this year I'll just stay calm. Ask a rooom for myself if there's one left. Last year no one would sleep in their own room. They would forget their keys and knock on the door in the middle of the night/early morning. Even when I said that they had to be sure that they took their key with them cause I wanted to sleep they didn't do it. They would sit by the door and just keep knocking till I would open. They'd be all drunk and stoned laughing at me wanting to make fun. Well I jsut wanted them to FUCK OFF. My class is cool you know. But once they get drunk (myself included) we're a fucked up bunch. Then their real nature would come out. Wasn't a nice sight. I don't care if they get mad at me, tell me I'm boring or whatever. if they want to get drunk and fuck themselves up by letting the systems take over, well then that's their choice. If they forget their key I won't open up the door, I won't clean up their mess and I won't pity them.

Fucking fucks.
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