Monday, 28 January 2008

Nose hurts

So I managed to wake up immediatly this morning. My alarm went of WHAM I jumped up turned the alarm off and the lights on. But it was still too early so I just laid in my bed and just breathe.
When I walked down the stairs my head was feeling as if I had a hangover so I drank some water. Tummy doing weird, blowing my nose all the time. Bu now my nose is hurting from all the paper hankerchiefs I used today. I almost went home while being at school. But than it came to me that that wouldn't make any difference and I would still feel like "shit". So I jsut stayed at school, kept things calm,drank some water from time to time.
It's strange. Last night I didn't worry about today at all (monday). Normally I'd ruin my own weekend by worrying about going back to school. But it was different this time. Maybe it's because I worked for school during the weekend which I normally never do. I 'always' postpone everything to the last minute with school stuff. That's not good. I only make every situation worse for myself. Like you know you have to write this essay or whatever and you don't want to but you know that at some point you'll have to do it BUT JUST NOT NOW. Then you're fucking up every moment in between the moment you decided to postpone and the moment you actually started and finished it. It's the postponing that makes you not want to make your task. Not the task itself. Or like when you have to talk infront of a bunch of people and you say you'll go last. Then you sit there with all your crazy emotions shit fucking yourself up in your tummy. And you make yourself feel worse for even a longer time. And for what? You'll have to do it anyway. You fuck up your ENTIRE day while the actual action that you 'fear' doing just takes a moment. Damn that's sick. Damn I'm sick. Maybe that's why I'm sick lol.
So now I do everything when it comes up in my mind that I have to do it sooner or later. Soon is best. Like it crossed my mind that I should do forgiveness on this and then my mind went naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, just do it after dinner. So gues what fucking mind? I'll do it right now, right here you motherf*cker!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to just wake up and get out fo bed when my alarm goes off.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find my alarm extremely irritating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get irritated when I hear the same sound as my alarm on tv, radio etc.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the sound of my alarm isn’t irritating, it’s me that is irritated about “being helpless” because without an alarm I wouldn’t be able to wake up at a specific time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad ‘at’ my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for my alarm clock because he/she is helping me with getting up in the morning and make sure I don’t sleep too much!
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is assisting and supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my alarm clock for granted.
I forgive msyelf that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is aware.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to say thank you to my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is nuts to talk or say something to “mere objects”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do self forgiveness so that people can see that I am not dishonest and will stop postponing things.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by not wanting to be dishonest I am dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel ‘different’ because I am feeling sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to use this ‘I am sick’ feeling as an excuse to not go to school as one of the first thoughts I have when waking up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced and change my behaviour because I feel sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to postpone my tasks for school.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am being dishonest when postponing.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by postponing I’m making the situation worse for myself from the moment I decided to postpone to the moment I finally finifhed the thing I postponed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must prove myself to my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see the mind as something more as me.
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