Truth of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of what the truth of me is - as some separate entity idea that I have yet to discover within myself lol
(from previous self forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/image/belief/perception/opinion of what the “truth of me” is – as some separate entitiy that I have yet to discover within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/image/belief/perception of what the “truth of me” could possibly be – as some separate entity that is hiding within myself that I have never heard of but should be scared about lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created expectations and assumptions of what “the truth of me” could possibly be – but not actually knowing what this is – as I have defined it outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of myself as something separate, outside of myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the truth of me is not some creepy idea – but my self honesty point in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had created an idea/image/belief/perception/opinion of what the truth of me could be – or “is” – instead of realising that the truth of me is not an idea – but who I am in every single moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the idea that I had of what the truth of me is – was never real – but just an illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as something horrible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/belief/image/idea/perception that the truth of me was something horrible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is horrible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as some “dark secret” that slumbered inside of me – as an entity that I was not even aware of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/belief/image/idea/perception that the truth of me was some dark secret that slumbered inside of me – as an entity that I was not even aware of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a dark secret within me that I do not know of but it sure as hell must be awfull lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated me from myself by creating an idea of what the truth of me is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as ‘hidden evil’ inside of me of which I am not aware and which can pop out anytime

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/idea/belief/perception that the truth of me is some hidden evil of which I am unware that can pop up anytime and take over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some hidden evil within me that I am unaware of and that can pop up at any time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as being my greatest fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/idea/perception/belief of the truth of me as being my greatest fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should fear myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being my greatest fear is simply ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as “unknown” – instead of realising that it is here as me in every breath

I let go of all defintions/ideas/perceptions/images/beliefs/opinions related to the truth of me

I see and realise that I live the truth of me in every single moment of breath – and that this is not something separate from me

I see that the truth of me is here in every single moment of breath – and it is not only irrational but ridiculous to fear the moment of breath here as me and thus just stupid to fear the truth of me.

I let go of fear

I am here

I breathe

Facing

Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling/emotion anxiety to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect the word facing to anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing implies anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anxiety has got anything to do with facing.

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling/emotion fear to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect the word facing to anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing implies fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear has got anything to do with facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to have defined facing as something to be done wthin the future – expecting and anticipating this ‘moment’ which thus created fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing as being a future projection – something that will happen in the future
Instead of realising that facing is HERE in every single moment of breath I face myself as what I have accepted and allowed – every single moment I have the opportunity to face me to transform me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing is something that should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing as something that should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/belief/perception/image/opinion that facing is something that should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of the truth of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of what the truth of me as some separate entity idea outside of myself that I have yet to discover lol

Okay – this is an interesting one – will map that one out as well.

Not enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘not enjoyable’ to the word facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing as not being enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/picture/perception/opinion/belief that facing myself is not enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/perception/idea/opinion/belief/picture that I am not able to enjoy myself within facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as some event separate outside of myself that ‘happens to me’ – instead of seeing and realising that facing is HERE as me in every single moment of breath – it is me directing me into facing myself in every single moment instead of being event driven as something that happens to me that I am “now facing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the idea/perception/idea/belief/opinion that I cannot enjoy myself within facing myself – which is in every single moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that facing me is a self directive expression of me and thus I am able to move myself within this expression and enjoy me – because in facing me as what I have accepted and allowed I am honouring me as life and I allow myself to enjoy myself within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have set up rules for myself that I am not allowed to enjoy myself within facing myself which is actually the same as saying that I cannot enjoy myself at all haha

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with my self imposed rules and limitation of what can and can’t be done within facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined what facing is

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to have created an opinion of what facing means – of what it apparently implies

I allow myself to enjoy myself in every single moment

I allow myself to enjoy myself within facing myself as I am doing myself a favour haha

Uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the experience of being uncomfortable to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect being uncomfortable to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as something to be experienced as uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/image/opinion/belief/perception that facing myself implies being uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable within facing myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this uncomfortability is the resistance of the mind – fear of loss – fear of death – fear of letting go of all the rules, ideas, definitions and limitations

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace this uncomfortability as me and push through it – transforming and changing myself within and as the mind – into no more accepting and allowing my bullshit as self imposed rules, limitations, ideas

Test

Test, points, evaluation, fear of making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect mistakes to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach “fear of making mistakes” to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself implies mistakes.

Well it kind of does lol. OK – map out mistakes lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist facing myself because of the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is no bigger mistake than fear of making a mistake lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and be pre occupied with the fear of making mistakes instead of accepting myself and loving myself and within this not allow such a fear to limit me or hold me back but just go for it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that mistakes do not exist – they only assist and support thus what are they really?

Stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of stress to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link stress to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/belief/idea/image/perception that facing myself implies stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself under tension and stress

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that stress is totally unnecessary and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given worth, value and meaning to stress as something that appently helps me – assists and supports me – while all it really does is fuck myself up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself up with stress

How/where does this stress originate from?  from the rules I have placed upon myself to which I apparently have to live by and keep up with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself when I am not following my self imposed rules and limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself within self judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself in the belief that I should do better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself in the belief that I could to better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself in the belief that I am not doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self judgment does not serve me in anyway whatsoever

I let go of self judgment

I let go of judgment

I allow myself to live

Depressing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling of being depressed to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being depressed is one of the consequences of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined depression as a consequence of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I face myself I will get depressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/opinion/belief/perception/image that facing myself implies experiencing depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined depression as a consequence of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/perception/opinion/belief that I will get get depressed if I face myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is impossible to be depressed within facing myself because if I were to face myself I simply stand up from depression – and how can it be depressing to do myself a favour as in facing myself?

Difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘difficult’ to ‘facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘difficult’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as being difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/opinion/belief/image/perception that facing myself is difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/opinion/belief/image/perception about facing myself in general.

Hard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached “hard” to “facing myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect “hard” to “facing myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘facing myself’ as being ‘hard’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception/idea/image/belief/opinion that facing myself is hard

Unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘unpleasant’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected and linked ‘unpleasant’ to ‘facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as being unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself is unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/perception/image/opinion/belief that facing myself is unpleasant

Heavy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached heavy/burden to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected ‘heavy/burden’ to ‘facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as being a burden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/perception/belief/opinion that facing myself is a burden – that facing myself is heavy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not facing myself is the actually burden as I have to carry the weight of the mind

Having to prove something to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘having to prove something to someone’ to facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have linked and connected ‘having to prove something to someone’ to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing implies that I have to prove something to someone

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to face me for me – but face myself to apparently please another

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to face myself unconditionally – head on for myself as myself

Bernard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘Bernard’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected and linked ‘Bernard’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself implies having Bernard around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need Bernard in order to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception/image/idea/belief/opinion that I need Bernard in order to face myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I only need myself in order to face myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need Bernard to push my buttons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need Bernard to point out points within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent on Bernard within facing myself

Farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached “the farm” to “facing myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected and linked “the farm” to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am defined by my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only face myself properly in certain environments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the farm and the people at the farm in order for me to be able to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself has got anything to do to with the farm or the people at the farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from the people at the farm

No Fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘no fun’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘no fun’ to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself implies no fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘facing myself’ as not being fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as something dead serious where there is no space for fun

I allow myself to have fun within my facing myself

I allow myself to have fun within my process

I allow myself to have fun in every single moment of breath

I face myself in every single moment of breath

Muziekschool

When I wrote my multiply post on my experiences with money I came across a memory of myself going to music school.

I didn’t enjoy having that memory again cause I didn’t want to be reminded of that period. I totally suppressed that time – and when the memory popped-up I was thinking “shit, it’s still there”.

So obviously – something I have to look at.

Since I was like 6 or so I had to go to music school after the regular school hours. I followed this course along with other kids where you learn about melody, rhythm, music in general.
I followed this for about 1 or 2 years – can’t remember exactly.
That course was kind of fun cause we got it in the ballet room of the school – which equals a lot of space to run around and a lot of mirrors to have fun with.

I think we also learnt how to play flute at that time.

When I was about 7-8 I had to move over to more advanced classes. I was a bit older now and all the kids had to sit at a desk/table and there was a big blackboard in front of the room just like at school – so it was like going to more school after school.

Playing time was over now, no more running around in the ballet room. We had to learn about music theory, we had to sing notes, learn Italian words by heart,… all the fun was GONE.

I was a very shy kid and did not really know anyone in my class. All the other girls came from the same school and all knew each other + they actually had talent – they had great voices. I only knew this one girl that used to be in my school but she was only distracting me during class which made it hard for me to keep up. There was also one guy – he also had a great voice and he was gay as hell ha-ha and he was so much fun.

I was always silent during classes and didn’t say a single word – unless the teacher asked me a question (but I was always in fear and anxiety of the possibility that he might ask me a question and that I might not know the answer).

First year of those new classes were quite ok – cause we had a large group so we did everything in group (so we never had to sing alone) and you could just mix in with the crowd and not be noticed lol.

But afterwards the classes either got split or many kids left. And then there were only about 15-20 of us left. Which meant we had to do stuff alone – like singing.

I fucking hated singing stupid fucking notes in front of the stupid fucking class. Ah – here comes my suppressed anger lol fucckedifuckfuckfuck.

At the beginning of every class we would sing all the notes together to warm up our voices and then I would just go “lalalaalala’ quietly not even singing just whispering or sometimes just moving with my mouth pretending I’m singing along.

Whenever I had to sing on my own there would come no sound out my mouth. I just couldn’t sing in front of all those people. And then the teacher would get angry and the kids would start laughing so then I really pushed myself to sing while suppressing crying – to at least get some notes out.

Then I would tremble for the rest of the class just being concentrated on not crying and holding it in. Once at home I would cry in my room.

A lot of times I would pretend to be sick – or just before we had to leave for my class I’d go sit on the toilet and pretend I was having major poo going on which would result in me being so late that mom said “I might as well NOT go now”. And then she was all pissed at me and say something like “you know we – your parents pay for those lessons”

Feeding me with guilt so I would feel bad and not pull such a trick again. I then just simply started skipping music school by going to sit in the public library (the library was next to the music school) and spend my time until class would be over. Or I would sit the entire class on the toilet at the music school (and I wasn’t the only kid doing this – damn there were MANY kids skipping music school) and get out when it was over.

Of course my mom found out so she took some measurements. Normally I would go home right after school and have about half an hour – 40 min to do stuff and then we had to leave for music school. During those 30-40 min I’d do everything I could – and I made up everything I could to just not having to go to music school. Sometimes it worked but most of the time it didn’t. So when we had to go I either skipped class – or just went to the class (after a while my mom made sure she saw me enter the classroom).

My mom was pretty tired of the same scenario happening over and over again and hearing and seeing me doing everything in my power to not have to go to music school.
And she was tired of me skipping music school. Thus à measurements.

She arranged it so that after regular school my guitar teacher would pick me up at school and bring me to music school straight away – a friend of my moms would bring my guitar so I wouldn’t have to worry about that (besides the normal music class I would just before have guitar class).
So it was impossible for me to ask my mom to not go – and it was impossible to go sit on the toilet at home…

At school when the bell rang at the end of the day – I would almost piss my pants knowing I had to go to music school. I was really miserable back then. I hated being at home because of my dad and I hated being out of home cause that ment music school.

Haha, I remember that on the building of the music school at the front there was this red light – and if it was on it meant a teacher was sick. So everytime we’d arrive at the school I’d be looking out the window of the car to get a glimpse of the lamp to check if it was on. And if it was I kept hoping it was one of my teachers.

I also hated studying for the exams at music school – I already had to learn stuff for regular school and now I had to learn even more. I hated everything at music school cause everything you did would get judged as in getting grades. And then your grades would hang in the hallway where everyone could see it and everyone would be comparing grades.

When we played guitar for our exam in first year it was just you and your teacher – the next year it was in front of a jury and even later you had to play in front of an entire crowd…
Thank god I quitted before that had to happen lol.

Whenever I’d enter the music school there was this YOU HAVE TO PERFORM vibe that I’d experience. You have to perform, you have to do your best and we judge you and it better be good.


At one point someone of the family commited suicide. Just after that I had to go to music school and I started crying in class – not because the person that died – but because I felt like shit at music school – and I had an excuse to why I was crying cause someone died so everyone was like aaaw poor leila.

It took my mom quite a while before she understood that I really not enjoyed going to music school.
Me saying I don’t want to go wasn’t clear enough. Me doing everything to be late wasn’t clear enough. Me skipping music school wasn’t clear enough. Me crying wasn’t clear enough – but when I cried on my knees and begging her not having to go there anymore as if my life depended on it – she started to notice something.

The day we went up there and said Leila quits was the best day of my life lol. They all tried to persuade me into staying or going to a different music school but I simply had enough.

After three years I finally got to quit – I was so happy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the time and the experience of when I went to music school – believing that this chapter was closed and to never be opened again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience total disgust while writing about music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with myself for what I experienced at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to look into the experience I had there because of the total disgust that came up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually doing myself a favour by looking into this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to forget about all of that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself the day that I quit that I would never set foot in that building ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at that time in hate, anger and regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the anger that I experienced because my mother forced me to go music school and I couldn’t do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger towards myself and my mother for not seeing what I felt back then and how she kept forcing me to go to music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt powerless, hopeless and lost because no matter what I did my mother she kept pushing me to go to music school – no matter what I did or what I felt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for in despair having cried on my knees begging my mom not to force me into going to music school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for having broken down infront of my mom – crying and begging on my knees

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt hopeless, helpless, powerless, lost and rejected because my mom did not support me but forced me into going to music school – and I couldn’t understand why she would do that and let me experience all that shit when it was obvious that I hated it – I couldn’t understand how she could be so cold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt lost because I had no one to count on – even my mother was ‘against me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt miserable because I had no one to talk to everyone was busy worrying about there own lives and I felt being all alone and just being dragged along by everything outside of myself.

I remember now that at home that everyone lived in their own little bubble – my dad would always sit in front of the tv being angry – my brother would be alone in his room being all depressed and I would almost never hear anything from him since he was in art school – my sister was being the happy intelligent good daughter – doing ballet – going to music school – being a good student at school that’s what her life seemed to be about – my mom seemed to be just trying to keep everything together and I was just being there and I was just in a total state of WTF

Lately when I have been doing self forgiveness on anger related to the past – I found that most of the anger came from confusion and not being able to understand – which I later turned into self judgment. In this ‘I don’t get it – I don’t understand – this doesn’t make sense’ state – I concluded : then it must be me – something is wrong with me.
But the core of this anger was me not being able to understand. Just a “WTF” state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry because because no one seemed to notice what I was experiencing – no one seemed to notice that I actually existed and that I actually felt something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because I saw her as the one who put me in situations such as music school where I’d experience myself as shit – and I could not understand why she would deliberatly put me there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I was the problem that I was the cause that there was something wrong with me for having to go through all of this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt abandoned because no one understood what I was experiencing or seemed to care about what I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at all and everything because it just didn’t make any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my frustration having put myself down because I didn’t get it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realise that it was all just fucked big time – it wasn’t just me lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed looking at this point because of all the self judgment that I had about this point – believing that if I would look into this I would find big filthy shit – but instead of realising that by looking into this point I am doing myself a favour – I am allowing myself to be intimate with me and I allow myself clarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself clarity because of fear of what I might find within this clarity – expecting and anticipating something terrible,horrible, bad

Getting them constructs out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my frustration, fear and anxiety unto the matrix as a system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the matrix as ‘something out there’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that my mind is the actual matrix.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually frustrated, in fear and anxiety towards myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger, frustration, fear and anxiety within me through believing or thinking that I am powerless in the face of the system as my mind of emotions and thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the ‘anger and resistance I experience towards the system’ is actually the anger, resistance, frustration towards me, because I have accepted and allowed this experience within me and I did not stop it

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop what I accept and allow to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thoughts, feelings and emotions to fuck with me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be stable within self-trust – instead of crashing down every time I perceive I’m being questioned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear creating a time loop

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stick with my self trust because I fear I might be wrong and I fear creating a time loop and experiencing this all over again but then intensified

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes because I fear consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather ask others for direction instead of trusting myself because I fear being wrong/making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone outside of myself knows what is the “right thing to do”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather trust other people so when something goes wrong I can blame them and shift my responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not in the right position of trusting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a rule for myself : that I am not able/allowed to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created rules and standards for myself by which I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear that if I do trust myself and it turns out that I wrong that I will look back at myself in regret and judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear other people their judgment and what they think of me if I’d trust myself when in the end it turns out to be a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes out of fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself out of fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take mistakes personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take judgment personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself because I would rather listen to other beings and do as they perceive to be fit instead of trusting myself because I immediately assume that they know best and that I am wrong and that it’s better to listen to others

Okaaay, I better dig deeper into that last one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed self trust within suppressing self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated self trust from self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself self trust within denying myself self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live in accordance of my own true self as me here in self trust self honesty and self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be courageous enough to trust myself unconditionally and within that express myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my self expression through the beliefs of what is right and wrong – what is acceptable and unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped trusting myself because my expression had been judged by family and school – and thus it felt not right for me to trust myself and express myself within trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare trusting myself because I fear that it will turn out being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself and expressing myself within self trust out of fear of being judged by other thus I hold back and rather do as others tell me or suggest me to do and trust them instead of myself because then at least I am safe from their judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there is something wrong with my self expression and thus something wrong with my self trust within which I would express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have told myself that I shouldn’t trust myself because I always turned out being judged by others so I believed it was not worth it and thus I compromised myself and others within this conditioning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now feel uncomfortable with trusting myself because I am unsure whether I should really trust myself because I might get judged again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an expectation and anticipation space within myself where I participate in 24/24 – the expectation/anticipation that I will get judged

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to drop my personality as the opinion that was placed unto me as a kid – and live my own true self in self trust self honesty and self expression – to honour me to live me unconditionally HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as “not right” to trust myself because of the belief that if I trust myself I will just get hurt again – and thus I would rather do like everyone else because it is safe to be like everyone else it is safe to be a sheep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a sheep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sheep as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a sheep is my only option

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a choice : the choice that I can choose to trust myself or to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is no choice within self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can choose whether I trust myself or not lol

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by not trusting myself I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop allowing myself to trust and express myself because of fear of being touched

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep questioning my self trust as being the right thing to do – and with every ‘opportunity’ I get I question – I doubt and I stop trusting myself – instead of standing – stable HERE – no matter what, trusting myself unconditionally – taking a stand within myself and sticking to it



I see and realise that I have created a construct where I am in the constant and continuous expectation/anticipation of being judged. This brings forth fear – anxiety and I keep holding myself back within this fear and anxiety – holding back on self expression and holding back on self trust.
I see that this construct originates from my childhood where I was judged extensively by everyone at home with whatever I did – and thus I see that those judgments were not for me to be taken personal.
I see that I have created the fear and the belief that I am able of doing something wrong/making a mistake (as expression being judged this would imply “wrong”/”mistake” for me)
I see that I have to take self-responsibility for this construct and let go of living in the constant fear and anxiety (anticipation and expectation) of getting judged but push through my fears and express and trust myself unconditionally HERE in every single moment of breath – to not allow this construct to limit me – control or influence me – but for me to stand within absolute self trust, self determination and self freedom of expressing myself unconditionally absolute in every moment of breath in total self honesty HERE – living and honouring me as life.
I stop self judgment.
I am patient and gentle with myself.
Self trust is allowed lol

21 days no smoking

21 Days no Smoking

What I found interesting to note was that when I first decided to not smoke for 21 days (this was last Monday or so) was that it was very difficult and I just wanted a goddamn cigarette! So I smoked one lol. So I “fucked up” after an hour or something like that. What I saw then within my decision of not smoking for 21 days – was that I had made this decision from the starting point of directing myself through “not smoking for 21 days” and a way of ‘punishing’ myself for not having directed myself. Which is of course bullshit and kept wanting to smoke and then did so.

Then Wednesday I was smoking and I was looking inside myself and saw that I fucked because of my starting point not being clear. And I wanted to hide behind ‘because my starting point was not clear I am now allowed to smoke and I do not really have to do the 21 days’.

And I saw that that was unacceptable – I knew within myself that I have to do these 21 days eventually. And then in one single moment I killed my cigarette – walked to the most nearby trashcan in the street and threw away my tobacco and my papers away (there wasn’t much left of it anyway).

And that was cool because I felt the difference between who I was the first time I made the decision and who I was within making the same decision the second time. It was me stepping forth inside myself – me moving me. The experience was like uh – water starting to move by itself – from centre flowing outwards - without anything or anyone making it move – just moving by itself as an expression. I guess that’s how I would describe the experience of self movement. Which was quite cool haha.

And it’s cool cause I have no resistance whatsoever towards smoking cigarettes – sometimes my mind goes “hmm I’d enjoy a cig right now” but it’s just a thought and related to habits (for example: I’d smoke a cig after every meal) and then I breath – centre myself in my chest and move on. At first I reacted to people smoking around me but that’s because I expected myself to react and have all sorts of difficulties towards ‘not smoking’ lol.

What I also found is that I am simply not able to smoke a cigarette. It’s not an option – it’s ‘out of the question’ in a way. Because I cannot allow myself to accept and allow such a dishonesty to exist within me (as in not doing the 21 days and give in to the urge of smoking). And that is so cool – seeing within myself that I can do this and I will not allow myself to go there (smoking a cig).

That’s so nice.

Haha.

And it’s really easy hahahahahaha – I really expected it to be a struggle but instead it’s an expression.

Ponder ponder

I've been working and pondering on why I go into the experience of fear and anxiety whenever I am around people.

Why do I feel threatend? Why do I go into a defense mode? What do I want to protect? Why do I take things personally? See everything as an attack?

I want to present an image and idea to people. And this idea/image gets threatend. It feels in danger. Why would I want to present an image of myself in the first place? Why not be me here - and just be me - show me. Why would I not want to simply be myself. Am I less than an image? Am I less than an idea? Am I really such a terrible person?

No!

Yet I believe myself to be bad - really really bad. Why else would I want to present an image that I know is not even real - is this image 'better' than who I really am? Is there something TERRIBLY WRONG with me that I have to present this image and keep it up as if my life depends on it? What bullshit.

Releasing

MEMORY

This was in primary school I think.
I had cut alot of herbs and plants out from the garden and put them in a can of water and closed it. A friend of mine had told me that if you put a certain plant in a closed bottle of water for a night or two that you get this mix that you can use to put on plants cause it kills the little bugs that eat the plants.

So I was like oooh cool, plants and herbs and shit. So I just took random plants (not even the ones my friend told would help hihi I just liked the idea of doing stuff with plants so that’s what I did) and flowers and herbs and put them in this can thing and put a lid on it. Because I knew that my mom would find it ridiculous that I was doing this and silly I hid the can in my trashcan in my room, underneath some old newspapers and stuff.

Then a few days later I am sitting in the living room doing some stuff and I hear my mom talking to my brother. I know they are looking at me and I can hear them but they don’t know that. My mom then starts to tell my brother how she found this can filled with water and plants and shit in my trashcan and how she was surprised to find it cause she thought it was silly and stupid and assumed that I had stopped “being a little baby” and they both laughed.

I felt really angry – I did not understand what was wrong with me doing shit like that. And I was amazed that my mom had found the can in my trashcan. So I then went upstairs with tears in my eyes still being very angry.

Then I took the bottle and just threw everything away while crying and judging myself for having been so “silly” and like “ a baby”.

I then wanted to appear strong and suppressed the experience because I did not want anyone to know that I was hurt – and I decided that I would never share anything with anyone cause all everyone does is judge and I end up feeling hurt.


Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother judged my expression as in doing stuff with plants and shared her judgment with my brother who agreed with her and laughed along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because she judged what I did and shared it with my brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt as if I had been stabbed in my back because they were judging me behind my back and laughing about me as if I am a ridiculous little baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother said that she had assumed that I stopped being ‘a baby’ a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother said that I wasn’t acting my age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my brother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become angry within myself but not do anything as I perceived my mother and my brother to be authority and I could not say anything to them – because of the belief that it is useless to express yourself towards authority as they will just wave you away as if you’re an annoying little fly and not listen and not take you serious

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have said anything to them because I perceived myself as small and them as big (adults) and that there was no use in saying something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as powerless towards my mother and brother simply because they are adults and kids have to obey adults cause they are always right and know everything better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn against myself and be angry towards myself because ‘look what I did – doing stupid silly stuff like that – stupid me – of course they are all laughing at me I’m just stupid silly and ridiculous’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind and self judgment by the physical act of just throwing everything away saying to myself that I’m just silly and that I just stop doing stuff like that cause it is seen as ridiculous – and if mom and brother say that it’s ridiculous then it must be so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that it is just not worth it and that I might as well just throw everything away and “adapt” myself and ‘get over’ myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there was something wrong with me because I could not understand why I was being ridiculous and then just assumed that it had to do with me and it was my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my moms judgment my own

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my mom was simply revealing the judgments existent within her due to acceptances and allowances within herself – me simply reflecting this – but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have stood up within myself when I heard my mom judge my expression and not allow her judgment affect me in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped expressing myself unconditionally out of the fear of being ridiculed and feeling hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is simply not worth it to express myself if I just get ridiculed and laughed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being laughed with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being humiliated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression because I did not want others to know that there was something wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prented that I don’t care and present myself as strong and stable while I am unstable within myself and feel vulnerable – ready to get hurt and cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something wrong and then being laughed at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when beings laugh with what I say or do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather do things on my own because I fear what other beings might say about it and what they think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself unconditionally because I fear getting hurt again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when standing within vulnerability absolute that I cannot get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down after hearing what my mom said about what I did – seeing myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged and defined myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to self defeat by throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – in total anger and sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind in the moment that I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – acting according to perceptions of the mind instead of directing myself here in breath in self honesty – not allowing myself to be directed by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed limitation within me the moment I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – instead of standing up within me not allowing myself to be controlled or influenced by the reactions of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the end of my unconditional self expression within myself within the act of throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – deciding in that moment that I will never do such a thing again and that I will from now on act according to how people expect me to act – do as they do – because I feared judgment and I did not want anyone to get to me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have then started controlling my expression in such a way that I made sure that I did not say anything wrong or off the hook so that no one would judge me and made sure I was not vulnerable so that I couldn’t be touched by anyone – hurt by anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have replaced my unconditional self expression with control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out of fear of judgment and how people might react to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself thinking “oh god you did it again” when I said something and people had to laugh and I felt ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret beings laughing when I say something as me being ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be on my guard because I fear saying something wrong – I fear making a mistake



I see that when beings react to something that I say or do that it is THEIR reaction and that it has got nothing to do with me personally.
Thus I do no longer accept and allow myself to be influenced, controlled and directed by the reactions, opinions of others.
I take into consideration what beings express – but I do not take it personally.
If I move within myself (reaction) I stop – I breathe and see that it has got nothing to do with me personally – and I let go.

I do not allow myself to go into self judgment – and putting myself down.

I do no longer accept and allow myself to “live” and be stuck within constructs of the past. I do no longer accept and allow myself to hold back and suppress my expression out of fear what others might think etc.
I do not allow and accept myself to hold back out of fear of being humiliated or embarrassed – how can I be humiliated and embarrassed if I am simply just here, how can something outside of myself have power over me or affect me? It cannot – unless I allow it – give it permission to affect me

I allow myself to live.