some more self forgiveness

My sister gave me the great idea of using a dutch/english dictionary so I don't have to look the words up all the time. By the time I'm through the dictionary my vocabulary will be HUGE hahahaa.

"A new method of learning languages.... through self forgiveness, ooh yeah"

But first the self forgiveness menu of the day.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to communicate with animals by talking.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will never be able to communicate interdimensionaly.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand in oneness and equality with 'our' bird.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to communicate with a strange and crazy bird like 'ours'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to listen to what the bird has to say.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from our bird.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to 'see' the bird as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from animals.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take animals for granted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take the bird for granted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that birds are dumb.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself with other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to comapre myself with other people's processes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealous because someone else is seemingly further in their process than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see this process as a competition

actual self forgiveness with dictionary

a

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as the first letter of the alphabet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as a vowel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the letter 'a' is a boring one to write with your hand.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike the capital 'a' because that's the first capital I learnt to write when I was little and it was fucking ugly.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge a letter on its picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge letters on the amount of time they are being used in a sentence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link the letter 'a' to my name because my name ends with an a.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as a letter.

aai (= stroke or something like that, as in petting )

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link petting to animals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define petting as a sign of good behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link 'aai' to the game 'aai poesje'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get nervous when hearing or saying 'aai poesje' because it's a game that gets on my nerves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the "aai poesje" game gets on my nerves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be affected by a game.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be affected by a game.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to a game.

aal (=european eel)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get the shivers when I hear/read tge word aal/eel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define an eel to what I've seen on pictures and on tv.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of eels because in my mind they're slimy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scary in the sea out of fear I might feel a fish against my leg.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fish out of fear that they might hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hurt by a fish out of fear that the salty water might make the pain worse.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being eaten by a shark.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fish because I see them as little sharks.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear getting a limb ripped off by a mean shark.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define sharks as evil just because they look like fish and have weird eyes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge sharks by their picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear shark because of their teeth.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear teeth getting through my skin into my flesh.

aanbranden (= to burn (food))

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting food burn.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being a terrible cook.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear making bad food out of fear that other people might not like it and then not like me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to care about what other people think of the food I make.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be a great cook so that everyone would like me for my food.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be liked by everyone.

aandacht (=attention)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think while seeing the word "attention" : oh my thats going to be a long list.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to get attention from the people around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to have attention so I can get some sort of validation that i'm accepted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think in my mind "Aaaandacht!Aaandacht" like a schoolteacher.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link attention to school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that you need to pay attention while being in class becasue thats what teachers told you all along.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think "attention" is something negative.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define people that seek attention as pathetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as pathetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to allow and accept the reaction of not wanting to do self forgiveness on the word "attention".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think of A. when hearing/seeing/reading the word attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define A. as the personification of attention.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to look beyond A's search for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that everything A does is for getting attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to get attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to get attention of guys.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to make people jealouse.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define "getting attention" as "being accepted".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek attention because I want o be accepted.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to give myself attention because I haven't accepted myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to want to do self forgiveness on certain words because I know it's going to take some more time then on other words.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that it doesn't matter how long I do forgiveness on whatever words because I will still be applying self forgiveness.

self forgiveness with dictionary (at first) but then turned out to something else :)

I decided I wanted to "try" (as in: actually do and then see how it goes ) applying self forgiveness while flipping through the dictionary and do self forgiveness on every word I have some reaction/feeling/thougth/memory. I decided to do this after reading someone's post about it ( http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2120 ) but never really got to it (posponement aaaaargh!) so I will do a part everyday. Why do this? Well, it's kind of a 'systematic' way to release yourself from your past, to stop judging words, stop abusing words...

Self forgiveness is about releasing. So when doing self forgiveness on words you release yourself from your past (I worte post instead of past first woops :p). It's like a statement you're making. You're not going to let your past control or influence you. You're not giving you power away to your past anymore. Nope. You're going to stay here, now. Not worrying about past or future. Cause really. Whenever you're day dreaming or thinking about stuff it's always about a past event or a future event, but you're never ever actually in the NOW. Be aware of your thoughts people. You'll see them either go back of forward but never here. You're thinking about some party you're going and wondering if there are going to be any hot chicks/guys. You're thinking about how everything was better a year back. You're thinking about what you're going to eat for dinner... What purpose have these thougths? Are they helping you? No. In no way whatsoever. Follow your thoughts, look where they go. They're just distraction, entertainment that keeps you away from living. Living in the here and now. Enjoying yourself in every breath you take. Being fully aware of the moment. I mean wouldn't that be cool? To experience yourself when you're just sitting. Being aware of everything that your body is touching. Being aware of how your body moves while breathing. Being aware of the taste in your mouth. Being aware of YOU. How can you ever be bored or wanting to be entertained when fully living and experiencing yourself? You can't, you just can't.
How wonderful would it be, if your past cannot affect you. Not control you.
And this is not some wishful thinking you know. You can actually achieve this. Of course it will take some time. There are tools to do this. Self forgiveness is one of them. And applying the self forgiveness you've done, else it don't really matter. I'm guessing everyone wants to be released from their past. And you can only do this for yourself. So do it I tell you. Just do it. What do you have to lose except for your precious past that is still holding its tentacles onto you?
Do something for yourself.

I wrote a bit more than I would do usually. But I wanted to make it clear for people who are not familiar with desteni. So that they too can understand what it is people participating on the desteni forum are doing. That they can recognise themselves instead of just reading "system talk" and talking about how "the mind fucks with you". Cause I understand that when I started this blog I jsut wanted to put my application out there. But I realise that people who have no idea what self forgiveness is, who have no I idea about most of the stuff we talk about will just go to some other website cause they simply arent able to understand what's written. So from now on when I do a specific post about e.g. self dishonesty, systems, polarity, 'of the mind', self forgiveness, etc I'll expand on it in a way that it can be understood by anyone and that not only the people who are actively participating in process know what I'm talking about. This will assist me too in many ways I realise. So I can see how I understand things to be, to see how I work with self forgiveness, how I see systems... But also how I can assist other people practicaly and assist myself in the same way. A lot of specific words that we use on the forum, I never really written them out. It's inside me as an 'idea' like this uhm concept that has a tag like 'system' or 'honesty' and when the words are used I understand what's been said but I never really put the explanation as I experience it into words. It's like uhm... I used to play this game called Guild Wars (still play it from time to time) and you have your character and you've got skills, spells, enchantments that you can do unto other charachters. But then there would be spells named like "Backfire" but I wouldn't know what they mean (my english has its limits :p) but by "experiencing" the spell when someone would cast it on my character I understood what it meant. I knew what backfire meant. And now actually, I think this is a way better way to learn words. You don't really have the word in your mind along with a picture of it (like with the word apple and then imm. there's a picture of and apple with it) but you have the word and the experience of the word. I'm not sure if I'm getting this clear... I hope you get what I mean.
Anyway, lol, this wasn't really what I had "in mind" to write but hey, I'm glad I did.
I'll expand on the self forgiveness with dictionary later.
Also I'd like to ask the people from the forum to comment when I make a post about specific words we use at desteni so I can read your perspective on it. That'd be nice.
Ok, going to clean the stairs now.

I didn't go to school today so yeah, didn't miss my train... Will do next time :p

Missing the train

OK, so this is what happends to me quite often. I hurry myself from school to the station, having 9 minutes left and I run up the stairs to my queu and see the train and I run to one of the doors and I try to squeeze in but they were already closing and for 1 sec my leg got stuck in it and panicked a little but that went away pretty soon, got myself out and missed my train. My friend was really pissed and someone that worked at the station said "too bad he" but in this uhm "funny" tone and my friend replied "Yeah, my ASS too!" lol.
And then I got mad too because we missed the train humm... So I thought that I should do some forgiveness on that. I also decided to miss my train tomorrow when comoing back from school. I always get him on wednesday so I'll just sit wait for the train and when he comes just let him pass and take the next one. To see what my reactions are and apply forgiveness while "waiting" for the next train. So yea, I'll post tomorrow how that went!

Self forgiveness on missing your train :

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad at 'the train' because he left when I just got there.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing my train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing my train because then I get home later.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be home "on time".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is bad to miss your train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be home "early".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to catch my train cause when I don't I have to wait for the next one.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I do not want to wait for the next train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at myself because I generated reactions within me when i missed the train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at other people because I missed the train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad at myself for missing the train.

Nose hurts

So I managed to wake up immediatly this morning. My alarm went of WHAM I jumped up turned the alarm off and the lights on. But it was still too early so I just laid in my bed and just breathe.
When I walked down the stairs my head was feeling as if I had a hangover so I drank some water. Tummy doing weird, blowing my nose all the time. Bu now my nose is hurting from all the paper hankerchiefs I used today. I almost went home while being at school. But than it came to me that that wouldn't make any difference and I would still feel like "shit". So I jsut stayed at school, kept things calm,drank some water from time to time.
It's strange. Last night I didn't worry about today at all (monday). Normally I'd ruin my own weekend by worrying about going back to school. But it was different this time. Maybe it's because I worked for school during the weekend which I normally never do. I 'always' postpone everything to the last minute with school stuff. That's not good. I only make every situation worse for myself. Like you know you have to write this essay or whatever and you don't want to but you know that at some point you'll have to do it BUT JUST NOT NOW. Then you're fucking up every moment in between the moment you decided to postpone and the moment you actually started and finished it. It's the postponing that makes you not want to make your task. Not the task itself. Or like when you have to talk infront of a bunch of people and you say you'll go last. Then you sit there with all your crazy emotions shit fucking yourself up in your tummy. And you make yourself feel worse for even a longer time. And for what? You'll have to do it anyway. You fuck up your ENTIRE day while the actual action that you 'fear' doing just takes a moment. Damn that's sick. Damn I'm sick. Maybe that's why I'm sick lol.
So now I do everything when it comes up in my mind that I have to do it sooner or later. Soon is best. Like it crossed my mind that I should do forgiveness on this and then my mind went naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, just do it after dinner. So gues what fucking mind? I'll do it right now, right here you motherf*cker!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to just wake up and get out fo bed when my alarm goes off.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find my alarm extremely irritating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get irritated when I hear the same sound as my alarm on tv, radio etc.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the sound of my alarm isn’t irritating, it’s me that is irritated about “being helpless” because without an alarm I wouldn’t be able to wake up at a specific time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad ‘at’ my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for my alarm clock because he/she is helping me with getting up in the morning and make sure I don’t sleep too much!
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is assisting and supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my alarm clock for granted.
I forgive msyelf that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is aware.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to say thank you to my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is nuts to talk or say something to “mere objects”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do self forgiveness so that people can see that I am not dishonest and will stop postponing things.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by not wanting to be dishonest I am dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel ‘different’ because I am feeling sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to use this ‘I am sick’ feeling as an excuse to not go to school as one of the first thoughts I have when waking up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced and change my behaviour because I feel sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to postpone my tasks for school.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am being dishonest when postponing.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by postponing I’m making the situation worse for myself from the moment I decided to postpone to the moment I finally finifhed the thing I postponed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must prove myself to my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see the mind as something more as me.

27/01/2008

Internet was slow the last few days do I haven't really "updated" the blog. I did some self forgiveness while being at school which I will post later.
I feel like all this writing is is literally making you go empty inside. Bot negative. A sort of cleansing, puking everything out through words. I've been feeling more comfortable lately with myself. Calm and "peaceful". It's still hard to stop all those thoughts popping up with everything you see, hear. Thoughts about the past an future. Imagining things. But it's getting better. Stabelizing slowly but surely. I'm beginning to be more honest towards friends and teachers. It's kind of scary lol. I surprise myself sometimes with what I say in the moment. I like that.
Veno suggested that I started singing... So I did that. It's weird bevause my throat is hurting and when i sing it gets better after awhile. I remember three years ago or so I had a throat infection and I hurt like a lot. It hurts to breath, it hurts to drink, it hurts to swallow. But I got better rather fast. I would be at home alone while everyone was at work/school and then I would sing along with music from Bjork. And if you know Bjork you know its not easy lol. Well I jsut sang along, pushed myself and the singing cleared my throat. I don't know if it's jsut coincidence.. But I feel it's helping. Been singing more at school, on the street (very very quiet though lol). I'm embarrased when people notice me singing. I only hear myself singing in my head but I have no idea what I really sound like. And maybe I don't wanna know :p Mayvbe I'll record myself one day hehe.
I think I should work on my sleep. When it's school i "easily" wake up after 6 hours of sleep, but once the weekend starts I sleep like 10-12 hours :-S. And when i wake up I hear my irritating alarm, open my eyes and feel as if the weight of the world is pouring down on me. As if i get locked back into this world. It's like hmmmmm... the feeling reminds me of a thick door or a safe where you have these steel bars locking in like FFviiieeum! and they're locked. You're locked. And then I go "OOOoooh nooooo, I'm still here, oh shit and I'll be here all day long o boy I don't feel like waking up and going to school, fucking school" and then I go"Leila that's no excuse just wake up and get your lazy ass to the kitchen". But the first impression/feeling is sooooo tempting. To just lay in your bed and wander of into this kind of "nothingness". I still see sleep as an escape thing. A place where I have no responsability where I have to do nothing..
living the day out is stil hard task. I really have to push myself. One of these days i'll probably just stay home instead of going to school. But that would be self dishonesty. So that being said I'll go to school anyway. In a few weeks we'll be going to Berlin with school. I'll do my best with being self honest etc. Last year we went to Paris. Visiting museums during the day and in the evenings/night everyone would just get stoned and drunk. I really was too drunk. So this year I'll just stay calm. Ask a rooom for myself if there's one left. Last year no one would sleep in their own room. They would forget their keys and knock on the door in the middle of the night/early morning. Even when I said that they had to be sure that they took their key with them cause I wanted to sleep they didn't do it. They would sit by the door and just keep knocking till I would open. They'd be all drunk and stoned laughing at me wanting to make fun. Well I jsut wanted them to FUCK OFF. My class is cool you know. But once they get drunk (myself included) we're a fucked up bunch. Then their real nature would come out. Wasn't a nice sight. I don't care if they get mad at me, tell me I'm boring or whatever. if they want to get drunk and fuck themselves up by letting the systems take over, well then that's their choice. If they forget their key I won't open up the door, I won't clean up their mess and I won't pity them.

Fucking fucks.

Self Forgiveness on entry 21/01/08

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attach value and worth to the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my past.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to let go of the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep myself busy with the past and future in my mind, instead of not participating in the mind and be here, now in the moment as the breath as one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep looking back at the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the past is who you are and is important.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep comparing myself to “who I was” in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep living in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to still keep on worrying about past events.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear who I was in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that the past may reoccur.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the past is better than present and future.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe “everything used to be better in the “old days”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the past has any importance.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep linking things/places/people to the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define other people according to their past that I know about.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience people in the moment because I keep seeing and experiencing them as I saw them in the past.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I’m still living in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be friends with everyone at school when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself fearing not being accepted by my classmates when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear becoming an “outcast”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike communicating with other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be part of the group.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to “change” myself in order to be accepted by people which I call “my friends”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I got fucked up during all these years.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I fucked up right now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that one can actually become fucked up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear people as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what people are capable of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what I am capable of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my unconditional expression as life in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my actions in the moment as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing up by speaking self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own brutal self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate my world when I was little in an outer and “inner” world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear myself like you cannot imagine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do crazy stuff just to fit in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to buy pokemon stickers to fit in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal money from my parents wallet to buy pokemon stickers.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal money from my parents wallet to buy lottery tickets from school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal money from my parents wallet for money that I would use for crap.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid to be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want that others see me as cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting that others perceive me as being cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide stuff so that no-one would find it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide stuff so that no-one would find it and that no one would be able to talk about it to me so I wouldn’t have to be faced with me and my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being faced with myself and my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being bullied by other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being the target of bullying because I do not fit in and that I’m not accepted.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to accept myself and be content with just me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be mean to other kids out of fear that if I wouldn’t do that, the kids would be mean to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be mean so that people would accept me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let other people feel like they don’t fit in and are not accepted while this was my big fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do things upon other that I would never want to be done onto me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as an “emotional person”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my thoughts, feelings and emotions out of fear that when I show them I might not be accepted and fit in anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get emotional when I say something wrong during class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my tears when someone makes the remark that I’m wrong during class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to cry when I failed a test.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my tests.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my grades.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my “rights and wrongs”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get all emotional when someone’s mean to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my tears when someone’s mean to me because I don’t want to show them that I’m hurt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my tears when someone would cause me pain out of fear that they might think that I’m weak and won’t be accepted anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep staying in the “accepted” mode.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not enough and never will be.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe when I was little that by the age of 16 everything would be juuuuust fiiiine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place hope into the future.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to what I think is the perception that other people have of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see my older brother as my protector.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be my own “protector”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need a protector.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to be saved by someone separate from me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to “save” myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear one day being killed by my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being killed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being beaten up to death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being strangled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being suffocated underneath a pillow.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that one day I would kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to kill myself from a very young age.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to kill myself because my brother ran away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my brother ran away somehow because of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to kill myself because my brother wanted to kill himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my sister.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that my sister was somehow different from us.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear hearing my fathers footsteps out of fear that he might come and hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hurt by my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the presence of my father out of fear that he might do something to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my mother because she would go talk to my father and then he would beat me/us.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to stand up against my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing up to my father out of fear that he might get even more angry and hurt me even more.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to go an talk to someone that might could have helped me because then my father might have to leave the house and then my mother would be sad.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress myself out of “fear” of my mother being sad.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the death of my mother before my 18th birthday because then I’d be left alone with my father and might kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my situation for granted when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take our family situation for granted when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear smoking in the presence f my father out of fear that he might beat the crap out of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being caught smoking by my father out of fear that he might get angry and beat me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my entire life big time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that confidence is something that you get by wearing the “right clothes” instead a thing that you just are, that you are without needing anything separate from you to make you confident.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel hurt because my sisters feel ashamed of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to destroy myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel the urge to destroy myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to achieve control over myself and my existence by stop eating, instead of realising that I am self control and that I am the creator of my own existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people find my blog dead boring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people might not read my blog because I write kind of much.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being dishonest in my blog.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give in to the wall that I’ve built where a lot of dishonesty and self deceit lies.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie big time just because I wanted to be accepted and make others feel accepted.

Reflecting

So I went into my room, smoked a cigarette, went on the pc and started writing... here it goes :


I don’t recall much from when I was little. I do remember one specific experience from when I was about 4-5 years old. I was sitting in my bath and just sitting and enjoying my own presence. I remember realising that I didn’t have any friends although at school I was friends with everyone. I was the kind of person that I everyone liked. I remember experiencing myself always floating between two worlds. The outer world where I would have to communicate with friends and family, do whatever it takes to fit in and then my own world, where I was just me be-ing me, just being present.
I enjoyed it a lot to be alone and I still do. I enjoy my presence and just being here. I’ve always known that whatever I do or wherever I am in whatever situation, I’d still have myself, I’d still be me, I’d still be there and that new moments keep on coming. I knew I could rely on moments. That it didn’t matter what I did or what terrible thing I would have to do in the future because I was here, now and everything was fine. In the moment everything is always fine. Everything just is. Just is what it is. I like that about moments. Moments don’t judge, moments don’t really pass. The moment is you living and breathing self.
I sometimes wonder (actually a lot) how I got so fucked up over the years. Why I did I made this outer world and my world of me just being present. Why did I separate those? Why didn’t I spread me being me all over the outer world?
Fear I guess.
I fear a lot and fear a lot of stuff. But I mostly fear people. I fear what people are capable of because I know I’m capable of it too. I probably fear myself the most. No, not probably… I really fear myself the most. And it terrifies me to know that one day I will express myself unconditionally. I fear my own self expression, my actions in the moment. I fear myself like you cannot imagine.
I did some really crazy stuff when I was little just to fit in. When I was in primary school there was this big pokemon rage that everyone probably knows. I was a “big fan”. I didn’t really like the pokemon series that much. I liked the idea of a fantasy world where you could do all these stuff with other animals and animals being your companions. Also, everyone at school was a big fan. And I could use that to fit in. And I did. I used all my money to buy pokemon stickers (back then it was a lot of money for me) without my parents knowing it and hiding them in my room and our garage so I could show everyone at school how cool I was and that I was okay and normal. I didn’t enjoy doing all that stuff. It freaked me out. But I did it anyway, because I wanted to be accepted and stay that way. I was afraid of being left alone. I saw what the other kids of my class did to other girls and boys that didn’t fit in. They were really mean. And I was mean with them. I was a very emotional kid, and I still am I guess, now it just doesn’t show that much anymore. I cried when somebody shouted to me, I would cry when I said something wrong during class, I would cry when I failed a test, I cried when somebody would say something to me that I interpreted as mean. I stuttered a lot back then. When I was little our father used to “beat” us (me, my sister and brother) whenever he was angry at us for some reason. This made me even more scared of everything and everyone. When I did something wrong he would hit us. My brother stood up for me a lot and took a lot of spankings up for me. That’s one of the reasons why I still see him as my big brother, my protector. Also, my father speaks French and my mother speaks Dutch. But I never really talk to my father so my French isn’t what it’s “supposed” to be. Most of the time I wouldn’t understand what he was saying and then I would just go on with whatever I was doing. He would then get very mad and drag me somewhere and then hit me. When I didn’t tidy up my room when my mom told me to she would tell my father. I would be lying in my bed and hear my father coming up the stairs. He’s quite heavy so you can hear him coming up the stairs loud and clearly. I’d wait and be terrified because I knew he was coming for me. I froze and could only hear my heart beating harder and harder. He would come into the room get me out of my bed, shout something about the mess and how I have to obey my mother and then hit me and kick me with his leg when I was lying next to my bed. He could get really angry.
Now still when I hear his loud breath (he smokes too much, really) or hear his footsteps I freeze and get scared just like I used too. Sometimes he would get angry when me and my sister were fighting about something and I was “right” and she was “wrong”. I talk Dutch to my sister you see and my father doesn’t speak Dutch and only understands a little. He would have some idea about what we we’re fighting about then get REALLY angry at me, shouting at me, ready to hurt me. Then my mother would explain the situation and then he would just go away without saying a word or say sorry. He never says sorry.
I don’t get my mother either. She has always seen what was going on. And sometimes I would hate her more than I would hate my dad, because I knew that it was she that told stuff to my dad that made him beat us. She would go to him and “cause” the whole situation. And when she saw him beat us, she would just do nothing. And she still doesn’t! When he’s angry and shouting and we all know that what his doing is absolute nonsense she would just sit there quiet and stare in front of her. I guess she’s too chicken scared of him too to say anything about it. At some point he stopped beating. I always used to think that what was happening was normal. That it was the same in every family. At some point, I can’t put a date on it, he stopped beating us. The last physical thing I remember him doing to me, was when we were at our grandparent’s house and me and my brother were just sitting in the family room waiting for our ice-cream. Suddenly he is standing behind the seat where I was sitting and grabs my by my neck and gets his angry face in front of mine so that I wasn’t able to move. I could smell his stinky breath that was a mix of alcohol and cigarettes. He was really angry and said with an angry voice that it was NOT okay that I smoked and that I have to obey my mother and do what she says and so on. That’s when I started smoking so that’s a year or 2 ago.
I always used to smoke in my room and my mother didn’t like that but I kept doing it because I knew that if my father would see me he would beat the crap out of me.
That was the last time that I completely froze and suppressed an event big time.
I’m really good at holding my tears. But whenever someone shouts at me, or hits me, even when it doesn’t hurt at all, even when it’s “just for fun” I feel like that little kid again, frozen, scared and angry.
I suppressed big time during my 17 year long life. No wonder I got all these problems with my body going on and my joints that hurt.

Ahum, back to the school part. When I was I primary school we used to sell lottery tickets in our neighbourhood so our school could have some money to by extra equipment for whatever.
When you were able to sell a lot of tickets you’d be cool and popular. So what did I do? I just bought heaps of tickets for myself and then tell I sold them. I took money from my parents wallet and give it to the teacher and say that I had been busy selling tickets all the time.
Of course my mom found out about it soon and I didn’t want to face her because I didn’t want to face myself. I didn’t want to face what had become of me.
I was glad when I left primary school, I was glad I left those things behind.
When I got to high school I imagined a new start. But instead the same people were still in my class and I was in the same school where my sister was. I wasn’t cool back then. But my sister changed that. She’d do my hair and tell me what clothes to wear. I liked it and I didn’t. I didn’t like it because I felt that she was ashamed of me and I liked it because the clothes and my appearance gave myself some confidence. Confidence that I never had.
I only stayed in that high school for 2 years. The people in my class started to annoy me and irritate me. So I went to St Lukas in Brussels, an art high school and the same school my brother went to (he was graduated when I got there). That was a big change.
All these arty girls and boys walking around in the perfect outfit, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect ‘picture presentation’. Art school is cool you know, but what you get is that all these people attending art school are very image based. Image and pictures is VERY important. So your picture presentation needs to be perfect as well. You’d think that people attending an art school are open minded and don’t care about that kind of stuff but I can tell you for sure, these people are pretty fucked up too.
They look at you and the way you look is WHO YOU ARE for them. I remember my first day of school. I had dreadlocks back then and got myself new friends pretty soon. They all thought that because I had dreadlocks that I was into drugs and that I might possibly share my drugs with them. Haha, was that a blow for them. Anyway, they accepted that I didn’t do drugs and I found myself some other friends. From day one I got frustrated about myself and my looks. At one point there was a new skinny pretty girl in our class and I envied her so much. We got friends and always talked about how people looked and criticize them. We both started to eat less and less. I took the train with a guy from my village and he was very uncertain about himself. His parents were rich and never home. He also started to eat less and less. I isolated myself from the friends I used to hang with and only talked to my skinny friend and my friend on the train. I was then surrounded my people that ate less and less and I joined. At that point I already knew what thoughts your mind, feelings and emotion can do with you. And I used that knowledge against me. I could recall emotions and feelings just like that and put them inside me and become that feeling/emotion. I managed my thoughts and started thinking like someone would that had anorexia or some other eating disorder. I changed my behaviour, etc. And I did all of this in full awareness. I knew exactly what I was doing.
I knew you could just switch yourself into a certain mood or state of mind whenever you want to. You could put it up together with your thoughts feelings and emotions and “play” with it. So at some point I switched the eating disorder mode off and just went back to “normal”.
I would stay like that for awhile but once I would get bored, or see no purpose in my life, if I had no “goal” I would switch back into that mode, and keep myself busy. Trying to achieve some kind of control over myself, some sort of power. Oh boy, what a mindfuck was that.
And it is interesting to see at my school. You can literally see all the girls loose weight one by one, getting skinnier and skinnier. It’s actually quite funny when I look at it now. All defining themselves according to their picture presentation.
Soit, going to St Lukas also had some good points. I got more self confident, got a bit over my fear of speaking, and wasn’t afraid anymore to be “different”. But then I was into being “different” but that’s another story and not really that important to me. It was just another way of fitting in by being different. Phew, I really just could go on and on lol.
So now I’m kind of getting at the point where I am now and 2 years ago… I know that if I go on now I’ll go total dishonest. I will write it down, but first I need to do some massive forgiveness because I want to stand clear when I write the part that has to come. And you’ve probably already fallen asleep while reading my text lol. If you read it, well respect haha.
I’m now going to do some self forgiveness on what I’ve written here which I will post when it’s done.

Thanks for reading.

-

So I just read Sunette's blog (which you can find here: http://dancewithme.ning.com/ ) and was completely devastated. By reading her story I was reading my own. I only fully got this when I was at the end and writing a comment. Something opened within me that had been locked and I just let it flow out through my tears. I experienced myself like the younger 'kid' I was when I started to allow myself to not to be me, but the person that would fit in and that everyone would like. Why? And for what? I keep asking myself. Certainly not for me because it wasn't doing me any good. What made me do all these things, adaptations, fake friendships, masks, changing of style etc. It was me who did it. ME. And that isn't too cool to realise.
But I'm glad I did. I understand now. I can work on it and stop it. I'm still quite processing this whole realisation so I'll stop here and go sit somewhere quiet and just breath and let it go.
Thanks

Mechanism of reaction

Click on image for full version

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to write lists of what to do (when I’m bored) and then not do the things on the list because I’m too fucking lazy and rather be bored and entertain myself with my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make a list of the things I have to do instead of just doing them right away and get it done with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to postpone my schoolwork under the disguise of “a planning”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become distracted while doing self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to “create more opportunities” during the week to do self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see all the days of the week as equal instead of believing that the weekend days are more equal than others because then I don’t need to attend school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use ‘it’s a school day’ as an excuse to not do self forgiveness because “I’m tired and “worked” all day long”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define sitting on a chair in a class and write something down once in a while as work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that school is hard.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that it doesn’t matter whether I’m at school or not, I am still the same person and I am still able to focus on my breathing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do useless stuff between two forgiveness lines.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to postpone cleaning up my room.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry at my mom because she is angry at me because I don’t tidy up my room.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry just because someone else is angry on me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I might no put the last forgiveness line into application.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to listen to my minds bull shit.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give authority to my mind and obey my mind.
I forigve myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand up against my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to used to think that my mind is great and awesome and that I don’t need nothing ecept for my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am my mind.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to ask myself if I’m maybe not something else then just my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel some respect towards Anu because he really designed a clever mass destruction mind there.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel respect for my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing my mind out of fear that I will be lost out of fear of fear.
I forgive myslef that I have allowed myself to keep on fearing my fears.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand up right now and go tidy up my room.

Some more self forgiveness on boredom

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do self forgiveness because I am bored.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that boredom exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give in to the mind by believing that I am bored and should do some mind feeding act.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that doing nothing is boredom and that boredom must be destroyed by doing something.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define “doing nothing” as “boredom”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that being alone doing nothing is not enough.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to be alone and just do nothing for a long time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to slip into the mind when I’m “bored”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to generate “negative” feelings while being “bored”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word “bored” and “boredom”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to smoke when I’m “bored”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being bored at some point.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link “being bored at some point” to fear of self; and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear boredom out of fear of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I’m lost when I’m “bored”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to the self forgiveness I do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to how I often I do self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I cannot be bored because I am life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can experience boredom.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that “boredom” was made up by man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to yawn whenever I’m bored.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to tend to do what my mind wants to do when I’m “bored”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that reading long posts is exhausting and a waste of time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge people’s writing by the amount of words in the writing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to go in to drug lazyness instead of doing an effort and actually reading stuff that might support and assist me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the people on the forums.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise what is actually really going on because I can’t seem to grasp it fully.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt my understanding.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my knowledge.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to rather be dishonest than self honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be dishonest when I’m fully aware of my dishonesty and not doing anything about it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when I’m bored I’m tired and that I require sleep.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that boredom is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that no one will read my self forgiveness and that it is totally useless putting them online.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that making a blog is only helping me and not other.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people won’t be interested in my blog and will not read it and therefore would be useless.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my blog as “useless” because of what other people might think about the blog.

Self-forgiveness

Did some self forgivenss on the computer. I started with computer and ended up with clothes.
I just folllowed my thoughts and intentions. for the people that do not know what self-forgivenss is, I strongly suggest watching these video's

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGjxHHUv6mE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGjxHHUv6mE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNhfkz7Aa0Q


and visiting the Desteni website : http://www.desteni.co.za/ where there is alot of perspective given.

So here it goes :

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at the computer because he’s not doing what I want him to do.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this computer was designed and enslaved by mankind for mankind and is as deep as me in this shit.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the computer.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am one and equal with the computer.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate French because of my dad speaking French.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link French to my dad because he speaks it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the French language because I linked it to my father.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to practise my French because I judged it and linked it to my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike everything I can link to my father including me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike myself because I am the daughter of my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as “Leila Zamora Moreno” the daughter of “Raphael Zamora Moreno” my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself by defining myself as the daughter of my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from my father.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am one and equal with and to my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my father – Raphael – as my father.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my father is more than just “my father”.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my father is a living and breathing being just like me and everyone else.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my father according to the past we have together.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see past events when looking at my father.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and experience my father here, now in the moment of the breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about what other people will think when I place my self forgiveness online, on my blog.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from my blog.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I “own” this blog.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for the blog.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for the computer.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to say Thank You to the computer.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to appreciate every single thing this computer does for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take this computer and all the others for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from the keyboard I’m currently writing on.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience every single touch on the keyboard buttons while I type. I’m sure it’s overwhelming.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take this keyboard for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry at the keyboard when it is my that is writing a typo.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry towards myself because I wrote a typo.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to write correct because that’s the way it’s done.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to question “just the way it is done”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to follow the masses.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to question what is written and what is been told.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep my eyes shut.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame a lot of stuff on the mind.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by blaming the mind I’m blaming myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame anything or anyone.
There is no blame. Only what we have allowed and accepted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to search for answers.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to search and look for answers outside of me instead of realising that I am the answer, the answer lies within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take myself for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am capable of nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my acts.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think for a moment that Sartre is an asshole.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that all philosophers are assholes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that this entire world is one big asshole.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am an asshole.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to do something about me being an asshole.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to treat other people as equals because I think they’re assholes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let my thoughts condemn people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit my experience of other people because of my thoughts judging and condemning them to assholeness.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience people in their purest entirety.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link the word “assholes” to people and especially too so called “friends”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mind being friends with “assholes”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the reaction within me when I notice the reaction of “non-assholic people” seeing me with “assholes”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to care about what anyone thinks about me and all other stuff.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that those “assholes” are actually showing me my assholeness within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word asshole.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find assholes dirty.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that everyone has an asshole and that we’re all equal assholes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find assholes dirty because that’s where your poo comes out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find poo dirty.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this poo came from within me, and can only obtain stuff that I put in my mouth or stuff that was already on my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find my human physical body one dirty poo factory.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry and frustrated about my body instead of being grateful for what it does for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my body for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my body according to its picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise what my human physical body actually is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to know my own human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to listen at my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that “human physical body” is much more exhausting to write than just “body”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge words according to there length.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge size.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to instantly link “size” to “size doesn’t matter” to “sex”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link “size” with “sex”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my glasses for granted.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for my glasses because they are supporting and assisting me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link “glasses” to “nerds”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define people with glasses as nerds.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to label people as nerds.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define people according to their “intelligence”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I know people just by looking at their clothes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and limit my perception of people by the clothes they wear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find clothes “pretty” and “ugly”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself judge clothes and the people that wear them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike people that are wearing the exact same clothes as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel guilty when I buy clothing that I know someone else has too.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when I buy clothes, no-one from the people I know are allowed to buy the same, because that is so not done.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to care about this kind of crap.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to buy clothes according to their looks instead of buying clothes that assist and support me no matter what they look like.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to care about what other people think about my clothes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find it stupid to write forgiveness on clothes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that talking or writing about clothes is stupid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that doing forgiveness on clothes is useless.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I don’t know what useless is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I don’t know what beauty is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I don’t know what life is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I don’t know what love is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I don’t know what ‘to be’ is.

I'm in my last year of highschool and have to work on a project. I can really work about anything I want as long as it has to do with boundaries/limits.
So I decided I wanted to work about the mind and self-expression. It's an "art" highschool so will probably focus on self-expression (though not in the way they defined self expression to be).
For now I've only read articles and watched videos that Desteni presents. Wrote some texts in my own words in Dutch (which I'll post in Dutch, translate in English and post in a different section or website) and did self forgiveness.
While reading and watching I'm figuring out how I could present this in an image/photographs(s), installation, video,... anyting is possible. I will also use this blog as a part of my project because my teachers are really fond of processes (and not necesarilly an "artwork" that is finished) and it's assisting me with reflecting and work on my fears.

I might start a video blog too. I will have to do forgiveness on shyness, embarassement, fear of judgement and fear of not speaking proper english haha etc.
I integrate my process in everything I do. Also in other school courses.
Few examples :

for religion I have to write a texts every trimester about anything I want. The first one I wrote for Christmas was about thoughts feelings and emotions (which I will post too) and the teacher was really fond of it. He gave me a "Very Good" (we don't get actual points, only like very weak - weak- insufficient - sufficient - good - very good.

For my Dutch class when writing a task I use (brutal) self-honesty but still related to the task.

When talking to friends or people in general I try to assist them by explaining for example where their judgements come from or use hypothesises to make certain points clear.
Altough I could do a better job about that which I'm working on. I often slip away into the mind and switch to useless blabbering, gossiping, judgement.

Also when debating in class I give perspective from my point of view.

Uhm, haven't got anything to say/share right now, may post some other stuff later on the day.
That's it for now.

Leila

Ok, so I'm Leila, and I'm working with myself. I'm in a process dedicated to myself and made this blog to share experiences and self forgiveness.
I will only write when self honest.
I haven't got to say alot currently. So thats it.

Woohoo! Finally got a proper blog :)