Day 43: Can't Stand the Sight of Blood

This is a continuation to Day 42: Why?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of powerlessness and victimization that would wash over me when getting physically hurt, was simply a 'part of me' and 'who I am' -- without ever questioning this experience or its origin

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience wasn't just 'a part of me' or a part of 'who I am' as this experience wasn't always a part of me -- but only emerged at a certain point within my life -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience was created and emerged from and as a memory imprint -- where something happened to me within my childhood which I haven't dealt with -- whereby this experience now integrated within and as me, and kept on 'popping up' throughout my life with the right triggers, where each time when the experience emerged during an event and I did not question it / did not do anything about it -- it only integrated and penetrated deeper into my being to a point where I believed  this experience 'to be me' and forgot all about the initial memory from which the experience was created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child when another kid shoved me to the ground and I hit the hard ground with my knees, have taken the picture presentation of the blood seeping into my pants and the wetness I felt as 'something bad' and 'something which shouldn't happen' -- where I didn't cry when the actual physical pain rushed through my body of hitting the ground, but cried in reaction to the picture I was seeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood' within a negative energy connotation/charge within myself -- whereby each time I see the picture presentation of blood, I see it as bad -- without taking into consideration the context within which the blood is present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood stains' within a negative energy charge/connotation within myself -- whereby each time I see a blood stain I go into a negative energy-based experience inside myself  -- connected to all the memories wherein I was brought into contact with 'bood stains' -- which was primarily movies and other types of media on tv -- where blood was always displayed within the context of violence or macabre atmosphere -- whereby I accepted and allowed myself to define blood within the limited context and association of 'violence' and 'death'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I as a child hit the ground and hurt my knee and saw blood seeping into my pants from my wound -- have gone into a panic mode within connecting the picture presentation of the blood and the stain to all the pictures I had seen on tv which were within the context of violence/death -- whereby I created the connection that 'violence had been done unto me' and that 'something was wrong' / 'I may die' within seeing blood run out of me body because of the limited context I had been educated on blood where I had only been familiarized with blood within the context of violence/macabre through television

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'laugh away' the notion that we can be brainwashed by tv, within 'not me, I don't get brainwashed by tv -- other people maybe sure, but not me' -- without seeing and realising that all I have ever known about myself as 'who I' apparently 'am' -- is the direct result/outcome of brainwashing through time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea / belief about blood -- where blood can only ever be 'something bad' without ever questioning this belief and finding out what blood is 'within the bigger picture'

When and as I see myself experiencing a particular feeling/emotion/experience which I did not direct within that moment -- and believe this experience of energy as feelings/emotions to be real as 'who I am' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and  realise that this experience is not just 'who I am' but a programmed response pattern which will emerge when the right triggers are in place, and so I stop and bring myself here as the physical within breath and commit myself to investigate the origin of the emotion/feeling pattern I engaged in and unravel it / disengage it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting to the picture presentation or the notion of 'blood' within a negative energy experience of 'this is bad' and/or 'something's wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing what had been put into me within watching/viewing particular scenes on tv where the presence of 'blood' was always a 'bad omen' -- whereby I copied and integrated this connotation/association within and as me so that when was faced with 'blood' within my own reality -- that was the connotation/association I would access within myself and upload throughout my human physical body

I commit myself to the re-evaluation of how television currently is operated and what gets broadcasted -- so that we do not educate/brainwash our children unintentionally with images and ideas about concepts/manifestations such as blood within a context of fear -- and so I commit myself to the re-establishment of television as a source of education as common sense to assist and support all within developing practical common sense skills within oneself

When and as I see myself ridiculing the notion of me being 'brainwashed' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that we are all the result of brainwashing as education from parents, teachers, television and other media -- and within that I move myself to take self-responsibility to identify all the ways that I have been brainwashed into patterns which are not conductive to what is Best for All -- and commit myself to replace those patterns with ones which are in Support of All Life

When and as I see myself accessing the idea that 'blood is bad' / 'blood means something's wrong with me' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created this idea as an additional layer/dimension which I imposed upon the concept/manifestation of blood through memories/brainwashing -- and so I remove myself from participating within this idea as I see and realise that this does not form part of the actually reality of blood -- and allow myself to take into consideration the 'bigger picture' -- whereby blood is simply a medium our bodies and other bodies have adopted as a means to transport nutrients/resources throughout our human physical body, whereby if we hurt our human physical bodies within force contact, or contact with sharp objects -- we may damage our transport system as the arteries and veins through which the blood is transported within our bodies, whereby a 'leak' forms, just  as when you damage a water-pipe, where for a moment some of these resources as blood may seep/leak out of the body until the hole/damage has been 'patched up'. And as such, within the context of movies, where people are violently killed and blood is sprayed all over the place -- it is simply the manifested consequence of the body having been damaged whereby openings/leaks have been created within one's inner resource transport system, whereby these resources as blood leak/spray all over the place -- and thus the primary point of blood is not 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'death' -- but in fact a medium of supporting Life within facilitating the distribution of resources within and as the body

  

Related articles

• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 23: Decisions
• Day 42: Why?
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

 Related articles

• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?
• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• Day 26: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever
• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Parental Input in Child Character-Building - Part 2: DAY 109

Day 41: What if I become Useless?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into the fear of ‘what if I become useless’ within being sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming useless as a consequence of disease/sickness – whereby I can no longer function the way I used to and be less functional/productive within my contribution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being less productive/functional within contributing to this world in terms of ‘work’ and ‘labour’ within being sick – as I fear that if I am unable to be productive that I will be rejected/spat out now that all my usefulness as a productive unit has been diminished to zero and be left to fend for myself ‘outside of the system’ with no support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected ‘being sick’ to ‘not being able to contribute in productive terms’ and connected ‘not being able to contribute in productive terms’ to ‘useless’ and ‘uselessness’ to inevitable rejection

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how this fear gets perpetuated through our established economic system where one has to ‘earn’ their living where one can only ‘earn’ their living through contributing in terms of ‘labour’ or ‘work’ – where if one is unable to contribute due to physical limitations or levels of lack of job positions one is screwed as the system will not support someone who does not support the money system – and where there are always some definitively screwed as the system does not allow for 100% level of employment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have bought into the fear of ‘what if I become useless, I will be rejected by the system’ where I will make sure that I can remain productive from the starting point of fear – without for a moment going ‘Hey wait a minute, this design of our system is completely fucked up and needs to be changed’ and within that commit myself to changing the system instead of simply allowing myself to be driven by fear and not come up with an actual solution, where I will attempt to make sure that ‘I am alright’ while I know that this is not possible for everyone due to our acceptance and allowance of the current established system of inequality

When and as I see myself going into the fear of ‘oh shit, what if I become useless within being sick’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting within a survival based program designed to do whatever it takes to ‘keep my spot in the system’ where my own fear of survival will withhold me from questioning the system – where I will rather try and ‘keep up’ with the system as an irrational fear based response rather then seeing/realising that our system is fucked up and taking it up on myself to change the system so no-one has to live in fear of their own survival. Within that I let go of my connection/association of ‘being sick’ to ‘not being able to contribute as a productive unit’ and the connection between ‘not being able to contribute as a productive unit’ to ‘ultimate rejection’ – as I see and realise that such automated chain-fear-response is what keeps me in place as a Money Producing Character in this world who will never question the system because she’s too busy worrying/fearing about her own survival. And within this letting go of these associations/connections I allow myself to see the situation for what it is as the design of a dysfunctional system which is not Best for All and as such requires to be Changed

I commit myself to show that our current system does not support all Life Unconditionally, and that our system only values Life in so far that it can be used within the Money Creation/Accumulation Process where one will be spat out by the system if one’s ‘factors of production’ are depleted – as a used battery being thrown away – where our current economic system support and perpetuates fear of survival in order to keep everyone too busy in their minds worrying about themselves so that they will miss the bigger picture and not consider everyone equally – as one might be able to survive and experience ‘relief’ within having escaped the clutches of survival without support – while being completely oblivious to those who weren’t as fortunate

As such I commit myself to the establishment of a World Economic System of Support where Life is supported unconditionally for the sake of Life and where no-one has to fear for their survival in the case of temporary or permanent physical dysfunction which may limit one’s productive abilities – as this system as the Equal Money System does not place one in a position of dependency in relation to one’s “factors of production” but cares about what is Best for All and Loving thy neighbour as thyself and so no man will be left behind

Related articles

• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 56: Measuring the Performance of the Economy - Part 2
• Day 47: The Economic Problem - Part 2
• The Soul of Fear: Day 35
• Life Review – Killed by my Own Fear
• The Relationship between ‘Fear of Death’ and ‘Money’

Day 40: This is What Death Looks Like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become a fear-reactor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate everything which I perceive in my world back to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and interpret everything through a customized fear-filter which I created and built over time as accumulated memories through which I have formed my perception

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when having seen myself in the bathroom mirror for the first time after having been sick after a few days – and seeing my greasy hair and how much weight I had lost in just a few days – have reacted within shock/surprise and where within a split second a picture came up as a memory of when I went to see my mother in the hospital for the first time when I had been told that she had cancer, and having been surprised at how skinny she had gotten and how bad she looked with her skinny frame and greasy hair – and where I connected this picture presentation of ‘skinny and greasy hair’ to ‘cancer’ and ‘cancer’ to ‘death’ – and so within a single moment instilled ‘fear of death’ within and as me simply within that one moment of seeing myself in the mirror, being surprised/shocked and not knowing how I should exactly ‘feel’ about what I see – have gone and delved within my database of memories and pictures, flipped through all the various memories as images stored inside myself until I found a memory/picture which had similar features to the one I was seeing now – where the points of ‘greasy hair’ and ‘skinny’ stood out – have identified a memory/image as a ‘match’, taken it ‘out of storage’ and upload the memory/image in and as myself within that moment, where I then  ‘pasted’ the energy experience associated with the stored memory/image of my mother having cancer, unto the current moment of me seeing myself being skinny and having greasy hair – and so ‘defined’ the moment for myself as ‘this is what death looks like’ – and all that, in less than a split second

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an automated organic robot which functions no different than the computer I am writing on this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I went to see my mother when she had cancer and seeing how skinny/bony she was and greasy hair – have connected the picture presentation of ‘being skinny and having greasy hair’ to the manifestation of ‘cancer’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a definitive relation inside myself with the point of ‘cancer’ and ‘death’ – where through education, parenting, media – cancer and death were almost always mentioned simultaneously – and where cancer has been portrayed as the ‘number one enemy’ as there is ‘no cure for cancer’ and ‘make sure you check yourself for cancer, because YOU COULD DIE!’ and other fear propagating campaigns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my mom had cancer, have believed that she would die through all the various memories of having seen/heard moments where cancer was followed by death in movies/news/internet stories – and where I connected my mom being skinny/bony and having greasy hair to ‘this is what death must look like’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ‘being skinny/bony and having greasy’ does not have to be ‘what death looks like’ – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I MADE THE DECISION that ‘being skinny and having greasy hair’ is ‘what death looks like’ – while this is not a reality but a made up idea which I try to impose upon reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to within the moment of seeing myself in the bathroom mirror and seeing how greasy my hair was and how skinny/bony I had become and experiencing shock/confusion about what I was seeing – have gone into memory to ‘define’ my experience for me where I defined it as ‘this is what death look like’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here within and as Breath as my Human Physical body – where instead of going into reactive irrational fear towards the image I was seeing in the mirror – would have seen/understood that the body within being sick may temporarily have to appeal to additional resources such as fat and muscle tissue within the body in order to assist itself within the energy intensive process of re-aligning itself – and thus the ‘being skinny’ is simply a biomechanical consequence of one’s body working through disease – and does not have to mean anything more than that – and where the ‘greasy hair’ is simply a consequence of not prioritizing one’s looks as one is sick and not going out in any ‘public spaces’ where ‘appearance’ is apparently ‘important’ – and as such there is no point wasting one’s energy within trying to look ‘presentable’ as it is more practical to preserve one’s resource to assist the body within its process of restructuring

I commit myself to change my daily living within and as fear to daily living within and as Breath as the only point within which one can be Free

I commit myself to deconstruct myself as the ‘Fear Character’ within my Journey to Life in specificity and diligence – to no more accept and allow myself to live within a restricted version of reality behind the self-created prison bars of fear

I commit myself to identify and unravel all the fear points which in totality make up the ‘Fear Character’ which dominates my life – so that I can emerge as Life from the Physical and no more allow such self-constricting bullshit

When and as I see myself not being able to ‘place myself within a situation’ and go look for ‘past memories’ which have ‘similar features’ to the situation I am in within an attempt to ‘define my experience’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that hauling in the past and pasting past experienced unto the current moment is in no way assisting or supporting myself within ‘placing myself within a situation’ – as I am actually taking myself ‘out’ of the current moment and back into the past – and so distorting/falsifying the current moment with past experiences and then believe this “new” experience to ‘real’ – while all it is, is the recycling of memories

Within that, I commit myself to show that we only ever lived as characters within our daily lives, where we wake up in the morning and see our alarm clocks, and then filter through all the various memories we have of waking up in the mornings and seeing our alarm clocks, and then picking out the one which resembles the current picture the most and paste the past experience which is stored in the memory unto the current experience and believe this experience to be ‘real’ and what is going on ‘now’ – while all the while we never experience anything ‘new’ but our limited reality as our personality as the result of accumulated memories – and so with every new moment, every new picture we perceive through our eyes, all we do is filter through our database and give every moment as we walk through our day ‘meaning’ through past memories/experiences which have some correlation to the current moment as image presentation/smell/sound/taste where we use our senses in a limited fashion to dig up old memories with similar sensory signatures similar to the moment we are experiencing now – and within that override the current moment through imposing past experiences so we may never see what is really going on and what is really happening within our world as we keep ourselves locked within ‘what we already know’ as stored memories so we will not hear/listen when something is presented which is not already contained in our memory database such as the Desteni Message as it goes against everything we know and everything we’ve believed about ourselves and the world and so we will shun it and reject so we can uphold our Fort as our Character Reality and never change

I commit myself to show how we are all just organic robots no different from our Macs and PCs – where our actions and decisions are the outputs of inputs and where these inputs are determined by memory as childhood and parenting where how our parents brought us up in this world has a major effect on Character and as such it is of major importance to deconstruct our relationships with ourselves as imprinted by our parents

When and as I see myself accessing associations within a current moment’s picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am moving away from the current moment into my mind as past experience whereby I am making something ‘more’ out of the current moment than what it is – which is proof of the inner psychotic in me and as such I cannot be trusted. Within that I commit myself to snap myself out of these moments and bring myself Here, into and as Breath and my Human Physical Body and what is REAL

I commit myself to show that Cancer is not the Number One Enemy as Cancer is only a reflection/consequence of who we are and how we treat one another – where cancer is the result from unequal treatment and as such we will manifest this inequality within ad as ourselves as manifested consequence to remind ourselves from our true nature and as such there will never be a Cure for Cancer as long as we do not Cure our Human Nature and Purify it to one that is Best for All Life

I commit myself to educate and train myself within common sense practicality within removing the layers of deception as Fears within and as me – so I may see the workings of Reality for what it is instead of seeing my personalized assumption customized through my Fear Character and living my Li(e)fe out in an Illusion

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Day 39: What if something’s Wrong with Me?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when noticing that my body is showing me signs of possible illness, go “Oh No! What if something’s wrong with me” inside myself – within the starting point of fear as fear of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when noticing my body showing signs of illness, freak out and within my head look at all the possible disease/illnesses I may have as all the various different illnesses/diseases I know about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing that I might be sick, immediately connect and jump from ‘being sick’ to ‘DEATH’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge as emotion as fear to the point of ‘illness’ – whereby I will go and immediately expect the worst

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about what it means to be ‘sick’ where I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an association with the word ‘sickness’ and ‘something’s wrong with me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing my body showing me that it is busy working through something, go into fear of ‘What if something’s wrong with me’ – and within that moment/thought statement place myself in a position of separation towards myself as the physical – within and as the belief that “if something’s wrong with my body I am fucked because I have no influence/reach there”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unable to ‘fix’ my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my body slowly deteriorating in pain without me being able to do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of seeing that my body is working through something, go “I must find out what this is” within a starting point of fear – where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can put a label/name on what it is that is going on – that I will somehow have a better “grip” on things / have some form of “control”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that “finding out what it is” as back chat is in fact a statement of separation, as I not for one moment considered to slow down and breathe, be here as my human physical body and see what’s going in – but instead will go to external sources such as internet/books to find ‘clues’ on what it is that is going on inside my body and within reading symptoms/possible disease – go into more fears as ‘What if it’s this?’, ‘What if it’s that one?’, ‘OH no, not that one please, that one’s lethal!!’ – lol – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up within a rollercoaster ride of fear and accumulate more fear within wanting to ‘find out’ what I have to gain a sense of control – instead of seeing and realising that ‘what I have’ is right here as myself – and that I can simply observe myself and how my body moves within working through whatever it is working through – and that if the signals do not subside by themselves within a relative short period of time, I can direct myself towards a doctor and ask for additional support while my body requires it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that being in fear in relation to the possibility of being sick does not serve me – as all I am doing is giving and sending my body signals that ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ – whereby my body will start to adapt this signal as ‘status quo’ and move/change itself to match the signal of ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ – and so through my fear as thoughts, make myself sick and compromise my body

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the best thing I can do for my body when seeing / noticing that it is working through something – is to be here unconditionally within and as Breath within self-awareness as my human physical body – because when I am here as Breath, I am best up to date on my body’s process and how it is dealing with the particular point, and at the same time, through not being occupied within my mind – allow my body the space and time to process, as it is not being bombarded and distracted by thoughts as fear


When and as I see myself going “Oh no! What if something’s wrong with me” within seeing that my body is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that participating in fear creates only more fear and keeps me from practically being here, as my human physical body – as within entertaining myself with thought and fear I enter an alternate dimension within my mind which has no relation to what it is that my human physical body is experiencing – and as such I can completely dismiss/disregard any of the thought/emotion information as it is unreliable
Within that I commit myself to be here for myself as my human physical body and to net get carried away by fear upon seeing that my body may possibly be sick

When and as I see myself racing inside my head as all the thoughts of ‘what possible diseases I could have’ and accumulate more fear in relation to what my body is showing me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that racing inside my head and accumulating fear is in no way whatsoever supporting my body within working through whatever it is working through
And so I commit myself to be Here within and as Breath when I see that I am entering a fear state – as I see and realise that the only way I can be of assistance of myself is if I am here as my human physical body and assist where I can

When and as I see myself jumping from one point to another as ‘sickness’ to ‘death’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I as my mind is going into overdrive where I am scaring myself to death and accumulate a self-fulfilling prophecy – as within being in fear I am not allowing myself to be here and make common sense decisions – and so within being in fear put my life at risk and as such participating in ‘fear’ is a very reckless thing to do and doesn’t assist self in any way whatsoever in relation to the point which is being faced
Within that I commit myself to investigate the fears and apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to release myself from these connections

When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge as ‘fear’ in relation to seeing my body giving signs that it is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that any emotion/feeling/though about seeing what my body is doing is ‘making it something more than it is’ – and is in fact a form of hallucination wherein I am no longer able to trust myself as I am distorting the situation through my fears/beliefs/thoughts into something which it is not – and as such I cannot be trusted to make decision as I have biased myself
Within that I commit myself to identify all the biases I have created about seeing my body work through something so I can develop a relationship of self-trust and be in touch with Reality instead of a self-made Illusion up in my head

When and as I see myself going into thoughts such as “What if something’s wrong with me” within seeing my body work through things – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point speculating about what is going on inside me, and that all I can do is be Here as my Physical Body so I am in the best position to be aware of ‘what is going on’ and whether or not I require to take any action at any point
Within that I commit myself to be Here as Breath as the only point where I can be the directive principle

When and as I see myself entertaining myself with the belief that ‘I am powerless in the face of my body’ -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I AM my BODY and as such I cannot be powerless – we’ve just never been taught and assisted into realising that we are our bodies and so have been taught the practical skills with which one can assist and support self as the body as all the attention has always been on the Mind only
Within that I commit myself to be Here within and as Breath as my Human Physical Body and develop an actual relationship with and as my human physical body for the first time and find out what it means to be here in this Physical Reality for Real

When and as I see myself thinking “I must find out what this is” within an energetic charge of fear in relation to seeing that my body is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to find out what is going on inside my body is not from a starting point of self-assistance and self-support in relation to myself as my body – but from the starting point of ‘easing my mind’ and as such there was not one iota of real consideration involved in relation to the well being of my human physical body – and so, within those moments, I stop myself, breathe – be here as my human physical body and re-asses the situation and commit myself to put my body FIRST through being HERE

When and as I see myself thinking ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ within an emotional charge of fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am in fact creating my fear through telling my body that something is wrong and within that actually ask my body to sabotage itself and align itself to the message I am sending – and within that I commit myself to investigate the nature of the signals I send to my body within being in the Mind and to stop all messages which are not Best for All (which is any message coming from the mind) and thus commit myself to be Here as my Human Physical Body as Real Attention and Actual Care as the Best Message I can send to my body as myself

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Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about ‘being sick’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that most of the experience of ‘being sick’ which is ‘bad’ actually takes places within my head – where I have accepted and allowed myself to have created all sorts of ideas/assumptions inside my head about what it means to be ‘sick’ – and where these ideas/concerns influence how I experience myself within ‘being sick’ – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience is not in fact part of the sickness/being sick – but a layer I added of my own within my mind where I repeat the same pattern/experience over and over again until I believed that ‘it is part of being sick’ while it is a self-created dimension / additional experience which I added unto the point of ‘being sick’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is physical ‘being sick’ – where the body is going through particular process in re-aligning itself, which can be physically unpleasant – and that there is mentally ‘being sick’ as all the various ideas/beliefs/opinion one has linked to the body ‘being sick’ – making it something more than what it is which distorts the actual experience of being sick and making it a ‘bad thing’ where one will go and worry inside one’s head and create unnecessary experiences which in the end also affect the body adversely and holds the body back from naturally progressing within its re-alignment within the ‘make-belief’ that something is wrong with self

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that 99% of the experience of being sick which I have defined as ‘bad’ and ‘unpleasant’ – took actually place inside my head as all the fears/worries while my body may have been in pain but was otherwise quite alright doing its thing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the body can be in pain within going through the processes of aligning the dis-ease – but that this doesn’t have to mean anything other than what it is

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that once I start to *think* about what I am experiencing, I am creating something / making something which it is not -- and so I stop and I breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created ideas/beliefs/opinions about what it means to be ‘sick’ or to be ‘in pain’ – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that these ideas/beliefs/opinions are real – as if these things are really implied within ‘being sick’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that all the fears/worries/concerns which I have paired with ‘being sick’ aren’t real – and that these fears/worries/concerns are taught from parent to child


When and as I see myself accessing ideas/fears/beliefs/opinions about what it means ‘to be sick’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering and entertaining myself within an alternate mind reality / dimension which has no relation to the physical actuality of things, where I am making this ‘more’ than what they really are and within that compromise my own ‘healing’ process. Within that I commit myself to write down the ideas/fears/beliefs/opinions which ‘popped up’ and remove them through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements so I can remove the layers of lies one by one so I can get to what is really going on

When and as I see myself going into a point of self-pity and defeatism in relation to being sick as ‘being sick’ being a ‘bad thing’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am participating in a dimension which I created myself about ‘what it means to be sick’ – where I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘meaning’ to ‘being sick’ other than what it really means to be sick, as your body being momentarily out of balance and having to go through a process re-balancing/re-aligning itself. Within that I commit myself to remove all ideas about being sick and stop my back chat when I see that I am participating in this alternate / illusionary reality

When and as I see myself experiencing myself as ‘bad’ / ‘weak’ / ‘not doing well’ – I stop and I breathe – I quiet myself down and allow myself to just be here within and as my physical body and check how I am doing – am I really doing bad or am I making myself feel bad about what I am feeling?

When and as I see myself creating and accessing ideas of what ‘it means’ when my body is going through when feeling nauseas, vomiting, headache, pain, fever – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these manifestations are part of the body dealing with the disease and don’t have to mean anything other than that – and so I stop my back chat and forgive myself so I can allow myself as my body to take care of itself without manipulating the process and holding myself back within beliefs and ideas (haha while I was typing ‘beliefs and ideas’ it was sounding something like ‘be ill eafs’ and ‘dis-ease’ within myself – interesting how you can make up the word ‘disease’ with all the letters within ‘ideas’)

When and as I see myself accessing fears/worries/concerns about being sick – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these fears/worries/concerns as ideas must have come from somewhere and so I trace back their origin and correct myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I commit myself to show how all fears have been taught – where most fears have been taught from parent to child without us even noticing as we believe these ‘fears’ to be ‘facts’ within the ‘enthusiasm’ and religious like ‘faith’ that they have been presented/taught to us


It’s interesting because while I was sick my mom had sent me an email to see how I was doing, and I replied with how I was doing and what symptoms I had. She then replied, and in her reply she was being very worried. She had done some of her ‘own research’ on the internet and believed that I was actually suffering from an ‘additional’ disease as well – and that should read it and pay close attention to the symptoms. She then mentioned a child she knew who had had the disease and how that kids had spent months in the hospital and took very long to recover, and that the doctor had said to the mom that you can die from this disease if you don’t catch it and get treated for it. And then she urged me to go back to the doctor.

As I was reading the email I could see she was ‘playing mom’ – but I was also experience fear and panic of ‘what if I have this disease’ and ‘what if I don’t even know that I have it’ and ‘Omg, I could die from this’.

And then I had to tell myself to stop and let go, because I could see I was just copying the same worrisome behaviour as my mom. The reason why she wrote the email the way she did was probably from remembering the kid who had had somewhat similar symptoms (lol, the symptoms are basically ‘flue like’ – so you can see that this is really ‘broad’), and having remembered that the mom told her that you can die from it and then probably fearing that this disease would happen to her or her kids. And then seeing the symptoms in my email, her fear got triggered and she doesn’t want me to die so I must go to the doctor and make sure I don’t have this disease!

It’s all just fear, fear, fear, fear, fear.

So within the next few blogs I’m going to look at all the various fear which came up and this whole ‘layer’ I’ve created about what it apparently means to ‘be sick’ or ‘be in pain’ – so I can get rid of this bullshit.

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