22 June 2008

Today we are going to talk to our dad about us wanting to go to SA. And it’s a bit tricky cause he is the only one that can actually say “no” and make it so. Hmmmm. So I have no idea how we are going to explain it to him. What the fuck I’m going to say about the folks in SA (no way I’m gonna say they stop the mind shit and all lolol). Why does dad need to knooooooooooow pfffffffffffft :p.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to ask dad his permission to go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to ask dad his permission because I fear that the answer will be “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad won’t let us go to SA and that’ll have to find another way and some other time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that dad will say “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dad will do anything to just so we don’t get things the way we want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dad is “against us” from every possible perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad will say “no” because we’ve never met the people from SA irl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be very sad if dad says “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust hope believe that I will go to SA while I haven’t even got dad his permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put hope in the trip to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not know what to do if I’m not allowed to go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a trip to SA and not wanting to consider the option that I might not go.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider what I will do if I don’t go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dad his answer is already “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whatever I ask my dad, he will say “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad will get angry and find it absolutely ridiculous that we want to go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not be able to say a single word because I fear raging dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that all my plans and hopes will be gone the moment dad says “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if dad doesn’t let us go that it “isn’t FAIR”. Lol

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that he does not need to be fair if I can’t even be fair with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create plans and hold on to hopes instead of directing me in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind illusions and hopes for the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my plans don’t come out – I lose a part of myself – while all I lose is a part of my self definition as mind - and that’s not who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the future instead of being here in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy worrying about the future like that I don’t have to be here and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone self forgiveness just cause my ego did not feel like doing SF.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the self definition, image/idea that I have about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to look inside myself and see of what my self definition, image/idea about myself consists of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and wanting to break stuff because I’ve been hiding behind self dishonesty for so long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hold on to the self definition I have about myself and wanting to keep it for as long as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how people might judge my self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards myself because I actually thought and believed I could hide.

I forgive myself that I haven’ t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the mind has to go ALL OF IT.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself 100% in this process for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to keep my mind for as long as possible and only wanting to get rid of it when there is really no other way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is still a way out now, but maybe not later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that staying in and as the mind is actually an option if you choose so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy myself in and as the mind and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without the mind I will not be able to enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the mind as my drug of energetic charges.