Thursday, 12 June 2008

dutch exam and other things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my dutch oral exam tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress, fear, be nervous and anxious because I have to go as first one and can’t ask someone else how it went and what he asks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is a valid reason to stress, fear, feel nervous and anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to learn Dutch as it is all pointless shit and even if I do not learn it I know I will pass my exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Segers will turn the exam into a “deep” and “sentimental” conversation as he thinks I’m going on the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the part of the exam where we will do the job interview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to say to Segers that he can put my resume up to his ass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect he will have that grin on his face that he always has when he thinks that he just figured me out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that he will try to catch me on saying paradoxes cause he likes paradoxes and always tries to use them against me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wont be able to act the entire job interview and will go “fuck it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to play the role of someone that wants to apply to job application of cleaning lady.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to pick something else to apply to – pfft, what crappy job is there else to apply to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by the thought of sitting with segers alone in a room and him trying to be clever all the time – not even listening to what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to be clever all the time and not listening to what another has to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m going to fuck up the exam as I haven’t learned much.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I will be able to pass the exam just by using common sense – because common sense can’t be denied!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will just go blank with every question he asks me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not really wanting to work for atelier after my dutch exam.

How do I know that, is it tomorrow already? Did I finish my exam?? Didn’t think so silly Leila.

We’ll see when the moment comes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise Segers because he thinks emotions are great and make this world a beautiful place to live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being to stand segers his ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being able to stand my own ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superior and inferior to segers at the same time. Inferior because he is sooo well ingrained into this system world that his arguments sometimes make me doubt myself, and he doesn’t want to let go of the world as he knows it, and for the same reason I feel superior towards him because I deem him as being an ignorant mother fucker.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise how much issues I have with Segers lolol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hateful towards Segers for the same reason I would be fond of him before I found Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see segers as myself, but the me being stuck into this world and not wanting to let go of all formed ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not being able to have realised all this shit before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not finding Desteni before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had found Desteni before – things would be much better now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for being to ignorant in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not realising myself earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have seen all this much earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in an illusion for such a long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the past to who I am here. The past is the past, let it go.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be angry at myself for my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not realising the simplicity and clarity of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for being a pre-programmed robot in a system world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I lived in ignorance and truly believe myself to have lived in bliss.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make peace with my past and let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the past and use the past for the creation of my self definition and image/idea I have about myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being angry at myself because I did not want to see what Segers was mirroring back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see and know what Segers was reflecting back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to believe that it all had to do with Segers and nothing with me – but it always comes down to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not writing this all earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself cause I was going to do SF on my dutch exam and I got away from the subject LOL
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the flow of my self forgiveness lines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty that Gabs leaves the room as it is his room and I’m doing SF here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about being in gabs room cause I know he always get grumpy about it and starts to sigh the entire time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let gabriels reaction to me being in his room influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I shouldn’t be here and that Gabs should come back to watch his movie here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that gabs is angry at me for being in his room and using his laptop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear by the sound of someone shutting the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad went into my room – saw the mess and is now furious and wanting to scream and beat the crap out of me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to clean up my room to avoid such possible situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always cleaning up my from the starting point of fear that my dad will freak out when he sees a messy room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of me while dad is shouting and hitting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect dad to come up any minute now and be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dad hates me cause everytime I’m around him he says “mumble mumble me fait chier!”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when dad finds out I want to go to SA far a rather long period of time he will beat the crap out of me and do mad things just to prevent me to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my dad his reaction might be when he finds out I want to go to SA for a rather long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will just say “NO – you can’t go and that’s it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and expect that I will just lose it if they would give me that reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will do crazy stuff just to get my ass to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable about people might reading my self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to write this self forgiveness with a note at the back of my head that says “people will read this so watch out what you write”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to present my self forgiveness in a sort of way that people won’t think bad of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to write certain things down because I fear or know people might read it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for fearing that people might read this – it is stupid.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just write my self forgiveness down as it comes – uncensored – not worrying or thinking about what other people might possibly think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist posting my self forgiveness on my blog and even more on the forum because I fear that my self forgiveness isn’t “good enough” and won’t assist or support anyone – not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting, needing, and desiring the confirmation and validation that my SF is “okay”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously doubt whether I’m being self honest or dishonest instead of just being here and type.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone’s SF lines I printed out a long time ago so I could speak them outloud in my room but then apparently when I actually read it carefully they seemed pretty useless and there was no common sense in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my SF lines are useless and that there is no common sense in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do “self forgiveness pour self forgiveness”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just stop when I’m bullshitting.
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