Sunday, 8 June 2008

Truth of Self

So I was reading this new post called ‘The Future of Earth’ and at some point came across this line :

The only reason why a being will not apply self honest self forgiveness, is because they fear the truth of themselves within, and it’s not even about ‘fearing FACING the truth of self’ – it is fear of the truth of self .

And I went “Fuck,they know” LOL. Cause every time I sit down, ready to write some self forgiveness, I take my pen, put it on the paper and I already feel like stopping (while I did not even start yet) and make this frustrated baby like face that says “Mommy I don’t want to” kinda thing.

Cause I know, once I start to write, I have no choice but to see what is there, in me. And I don’t want to see and I don’t want to know. But I already do know what is there so denying is quite useless…
So when I came across that line a bell rang (ding dong).
And really, the fact that I’m considering to not write about it, considering there is a choice (do I write or do I not write) is already dishonest. Cause really in the end, there is no choice. You are self honest or you are dishonest. And if you’re dishonest, well in the end you’re gonna have to be self honest anyway!! So yes, it’s a one way thing, and it’s self honesty. (hehe what a bummer am I thinking right now).

And the only thing that is keeping me from doing deep down to the core self forgiveness : is this FEAR. Cause once I start and dig deeper, it gets darker and it aint pretty you know.
But then again – it is what it is, and it is not to be judged.
A point on to which you have to apply self forgiveness on is a point. Whether that point is that I keep eating when I’m already full or the point that I am a dishonest deceitful mind consciousness system – it is a POINT. And it shouldn’t be harder or easier to apply myself as self forgiveness on one of these points.

So as I do self forgiveness (this means I got over the ‘I want to stop here already’ and actually started to write) I tend to stop when things get ‘nasty’. But yes, like Tala would say so nice: “You define!”. And yes it is true. It doesn’t matter where or what I am applying self forgiveness on. There is no ‘nasty’ or ‘ok’ stuff to do self forgiveness on. It’s just something that is there and that I need to get rid off! lol

It’s actually quite stupid stopping at some point during self forgiveness. Cause what happens : You stop, cause you know what is there but apparently you fear it. But you know it is there so why the hell stop instead of digging to the core and get it out! Cause when you stop it’s still there and it’s just gonna compound and compound and grow until you can’t stand yourself anymore. So really, just get it oooooooout.

As you can see I am attempting to talk some common sense into myself.

Ok, I’m gonna do some Sf now, and throw away all those stupid feeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars.
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