Sunday, 22 June 2008

SF on Pffffft

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting and actually postponing the moment where we were going to talk to dad about going to SA and asking permission although I always knew this moment would happen - I would still try to postpone it out of fear of his reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be sad that I got what I expected lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and walk away from the situation because I believed it was a done deal and the answer was no.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by emotions and be absolutely stuck - not being able to get a word over my lips.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by emotions.

Really this entire experience proves it again : emotions and feelings : worthless shit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad would do something stupid with those scissors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait every second to the moment he would start to scream and I would get conformation of : no you can't go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dad would never let me/us go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to prove to dad - that I can study - that I can work, just to prove he's wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to prove myself towards my dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to prove that my dad was wrong and show him that he doesn't know me at all and should shut his mouth instead of talking
about me about stuff he does not know about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe every word he says about me.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless, believe I am helpless because I am not able to get a single word out of my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am helpless against my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to avoid dad because I don't want to hear his comments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that he will have another outburst soon because of this even and direct it towards me because he is angry for me not going to study next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to give up going to SA because within and as these overwhelming emotions - it just seemed not worth it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of not going to SA and let fear keep me chained at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself considering of not going to SA because at the moment being overwhelmed by emotions it seemed to much trouble and too much conflict with father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to give up on myself and just follow the mind so I wouldn't have to be scared of my dad anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to pick the easy way out instead of doing something for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still consider becoming another system robot as an option when things get too rough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to give up on process as myself just so I wouldn't have to face my angry dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is worth doing if it means I have to face my angry dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in everything that I do because - dad might get angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant underlying fear of my dad becoming angry and me being the cause of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to avoid my dad because I fear he will have an outburst once he sees my face.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that by avoiding him after this event he will think that his approach actually works and that i now respect him (instead of fearing)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch every move I make because I could possibly maybe make dad angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think for a second that I was going to drop everything and be a good system girl just to keep my dad from being angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words he speaks "about me" personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what my dad thinks of me, and what he says about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like falling into a black hole everytime dad becomes angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad will change his mind and decide not to let me go to SA and then shout some more at me till i'm sick of it and go study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider doing whatever my dad wants me to do if that means he won't get angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider living according to the ideas my dad has about what I should do and how I should live, just to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings that shout because I fear that I caused them to be angry and that they will direct their anger towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shiver, slightly, everytime I hear a sound that comes from my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to go to sleep in an attempt to forget all about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to neglect the fact that my dad lives in the same house as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to pay back the ticket, even if he says I don't need to, just so i can show him I am also able to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to find job right away so i can show him what I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to show my dad that I am not that which he thinks I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what my dad thinks of me, what he percieves, believes that I am.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am nothing compared to anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing I can do when a being is angry and directs its anger towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is something superior, bigger than me, and that I am a worthless piece of shit when a being is angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause why being get angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to look at the dad construct inside of me because I believed it was too big for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any system can be too big , or too much for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to ignore, neglect and avoid the
dad construct in my SF like I ignore, neglect and avoid my dad

dead dad dead that dead dad

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can take on any system - that I am able to handle whatever system.
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