Back when I lived in Belgium, I had a lot of issues with food, where I didn't like most vegetables except for carrots. With some of them just the smell or taste would get me to a point of what I call "puking spasms" where, my throat constricts, my stomach jumps and stomach acid would kind of 'splush up' for a moment.
So whenever I could, I would avoid vegetables.
At home, my parents would 'force me' to eat my vegetables, saying I would sit at the table until I was done or my dad would become outraged by me not eating my vegetables. I would then either cut my veggies into smaller pieces and swallow them with water or close my nose to diminish the taste -- or wait for them to leave while I "sit at the table until I am done" and put some veggies in a paper napkin and go to the toilet every 20 minutes, flushing it down.
Dinners and lunch at family were also not pleasant, because my parents would insist I eat everything because it's 'not polite'.
I then also noticed after a while that if I just swallow my vegetables, when I would go to the toilet, they would come out looking the same as they came in -- my body hadn't been able to process it. So then I tried to convince my mom to stop force feeding me because even if I took it in, it was just coming out the same -- so what's the point?
Then, when I moved to the Desteni Farm in South Africa, there was no such 'pressure' present in terms of food. I could eat what I wanted and not eat things if I didn't want to. It was then that I actually tried out more foods, and slowly but surely I started eating more and more vegetables and actually being fine eating them. I don't think have I've had any food related 'puke spams' during my stay here, which has now been almost 4 years.
The only vegetable which seems to persist in terms of be being disgusted by it: is cucumber.
I can't stand the smell and taste of it, and I just want to spit it out when chewing it.
Then today, me and Maite were making some lunch and she took out one for the cucumbers from the garden out of the fridge. I asked her for a slice to try it out, and then I first kind of just kept it in front of me and flapped it around a bit, and as I was doing then I was asking myself "What is it with cucumber? Why is this still an issue?"
Then, I moved the cucumber slice closer to my face and smelled it.
A memory then popped up, of my sister having lunch back in Belgium when we were young, and she was having cucumber with her food, and my mom as well. In the memory, I was having the same experience of 'disgust' that I would experience nowadays towards cucumber, towards my sister and mom in general.
When I was young, me and my sister couldn't stand each other, I hated her and she irritated the shit out of me. In the memory she was making her food and eating in a particular way that heightened my 'disgust' towards her -- while the smell of cucumber was in the air. So as this memory flashed, and I look at it, I went "Oh my god, it was never the cucumber!!" I had simply connected my experience of hate and disgust towards my sister to the smell of cucumber -- and then to cucumber in its entirety.
Once again, this proved to me, how we are just Organic Robots, who collect various data and 'make something out of it'. I mean, WTF -- I spent my whole life hating cucumber and not eating cucumber, for what? Because in one memory I had an intense experience of disgust towards someone, and the cucumber happened to be there at the wrong place, at the wrong time -- and became the victim of lifelong judgment and disgust.
The whole point of 'change of environment', where I moved to the farm, also indicates that basically all my resistances were mind based, and connected to my upbringing and how I developed my relationship with food at home.
It really makes you question what makes 'you', 'you' -- and puts to the challenge your whole identity. I mean, I TRULY believed that cucumber was disgusting, I was completely convinced that this was 'a reality'. And now it just turns out to be a figment of my imagination, based on ONE MEMORY, just ONE MEMORY.
How much do we really know, how much can we really confirm as 'being real' -- when we can be completely biased and mislead by such a simple, singular point.
It really emphasises the point of not taking anything for granted, and to really investigate and test out whatever it is you believe, and anything you think to be 'real'. If a conviction such as this is an illusion, then how much more of your mind can you actually trust?
Desteni is the ultimate test -- do you have the courage to take it?
3 comments:
Cool Leila!
lol - poor cucumber endured years of neglect from your irresponsible transference!
very cool share Leila - thanks!
Thanks for sharing Leila, cool stuff!
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