Day 95: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

When and as I see myself being sad when an animal has died, and see that I am ‘done’ with the crying/being sad and see myself wanting to go and dig up memories within myself as all the ‘good times’ we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I can maintain the sadness and crying or even ‘up’ it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am going beyond the point of ‘letting go’ but instead abuse this moment to become an emotional wreck for the sake of becoming an emotional wreck which has no relation to the being that just died – and so I commit myself to within that moment snap myself out of wanting to go and dig up memories, breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself going into a mode of ‘seeing an opportunity’ when an animal has died to go and have a private pity party for myself in order to get rid of excess built-up/accumulated energy within my life – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am abusing the moment to deceive myself and others in order to ‘escape’ and have a temporary ‘exit’ of my reality – where I do not require to be responsible because of ‘extenuating circumstances’ – where I pretend to be badly affected so that I can sulk in my own self-pity and get to be ‘excused’ for it – which is completely unacceptable – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, investigate the movement of wanting to use this event as an opportunity to have a pity-party within writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself digging up memories to fuel feelings of being sad and crying when someone died and seeing that there is something ‘off’ about it – I stop and breathe – I see and realise that there is indeed something off about it as I am participating within deliberate self-manipulation to spill out emotions of self-pity which have accumulated throughout my life in a way that I can ‘cover them up’ and not have to look at them and so I stop and commit myself to take responsibility for these built up emotions and investigate how I have accumulated these throughout my life and give them direction through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself judging myself for not being overly emotional when someone has died – and where I want to in response to the judgment/guilt, go an dig up memories of all the ‘good times’ I had with the being to trigger crying/sadness as I perceive this to be ‘normal’ behaviour – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and investigate my ideas of morality and ‘normalcy’ within the context of beings dying and what the ‘appropriate response’ should be

When and as I see myself access/go into the belief that crying when someone has died is a token of ‘care’ and that thus ‘not crying’ is a token of ‘not caring’ and ‘psychopathic behaviour’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created this idea based on upbringing, education and media without ever investigating the phenomenon of Death and what it actually entails when someone dies and so I commit myself to debunk my beliefs about death and ‘care’ within Self-Reflective writing

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would for a moment cry and be sad -- to not stop when I moved through the release, but instead go and deliberately go and 'dig up' memories within myself with all the 'good times' we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I could continue crying and be sad instead of stopping when I saw that I was done with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and be sad and cry for a moment -- to not stop when I saw I was done being sad/crying -- but instead use this event/occurrence as an opportunity to have a 'pity party' with myself, where I deliberately use emotionally-laden memories in connection to the animal that passed away to bubble up emotions inside myself and have a cry/pity party -- where I go through all the events in my life where I felt powerless and a victim and tell myself how hard my life sucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and crying -- to not stop when I saw I was done, but instead use this moment to go 'overboard' and push my energetic/emotional levels up and use the death of the animal as an excuse/justification to be an emotional wreck, because I saw that this type of behaviour would not be 'out of line' considering the event that just happened, and that thus no-one would come and bother me about it, they would even come and comfort me from time to time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and cry about it for a moment, and then to be able to continue being sad I would dig up memories deliberately that were positively loaded -- to not have stopped myself when looking at what I was doing and seeing that it was 'off' in the sense that I felt that I was cheating the animal that just died, because I wasn't in fact crying or mourning about the actual animal/being that just died -- but instead I was using the memories in which they featured to conjure up an emotional experience and use their death as an excuse to become an emotional, directionless, sobbing 'blob' and give in to self-pity which had been accumulated throughout my life but which I suppressed and never gave direction -- so I could for a moment release my feelings of self-pity within the misguided context of 'mourning' so that I would never give these experiences and how they came about a second thought, and so set myself up to release for a moment, to then be able to accumulate/recharge myself once again with emotions of self-pity throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when finding myself a bit sad for a moment, in terms of acknowledging the fuckedupness of our world -- but where this was only for a few seconds and did not feel like I was going to cry -- where I judged myself as being a 'bad person' for not crying and tried to guilt trip myself into going back to digging up emotional-laden memories to make myself cry so I wouldn't feel bad about not feeling bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/judgment/belief about what one has to do in relation to the death of someone -- where I believe one should cry as a token to show that you cared about the being that died, where consequently I within that also created the idea/belief/judgment that if someone does not cry about the death of another, that this means/implies that they did not care and are kind of psychopathic

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that crying about someone dying does not necessarily have to mean that this shows that they 'cared' as I have seen for myself that my emotional cry burst-outs had nothing to do with the being that died but was a manipulation technique to suit my own selfish ends

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• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2
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Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

While I was busy writing my blogs on the birdies, a point opened up in relation to their death/them dying and how I would experience myself. In the past I've almost always cried a lot and experienced myself to be very emotional. During my stay here at the farm, I've had to deal with a lot of deaths, mostly birds as the ones we would find and chickens, ducks, goslings.

With the last two birds that died, I found myself not being emotional and not crying.

Stuff had happened, it resulted in the death of the animal -- there was nothing more I could do. It was just another confirmation of how we've designed, created and allowed which is fucked into every possible way.

Then, as I noticed that I wasn't crying or being overly emotional -- I started to feel bad and guilty, thinking I should cry now and be sad, and that the amount of sadness/crying would reflect 'how much I cared' about the being that died. So now I felt bad/guilty, because I interpreted how I was experiencing myself -- or rather my 'lack' of experience, as a bad thing -- thinking that it meant that I didn't care and was 'unrespectful' towards the dead.

Then, I looked at my past experiences when animals died, where often I would for a moment be sad and upon realising that they are dead/gone -- but it would be a very short experience. What I did afterwards, was actually quite interesting. Once I was crying and being sad, but not like, in an energetic way -- I would use the opportunity of 'there has been a death' -- to go completely 'overboard' with sadness. Like I just said, I would be sad for a moment, but be fine quite soon afterwards -- and once I would hit that moment of "Hmm, I'm actually quite fine, there's no more reason to be sad" -- I'd go and deliberately 'dig' into memories as 'all the good times we had together' to make myself become emotional and cry alot -- just for the sake of being emotional and crying, where I felt that this was a good opportunity to seize and allow myself to be an emotional wreck, because it would be seen as 'justifiable', considering someone just died.

I remember doing this with my guinea pig's death, where I would manipulate myself into being an emotional wreck through digging up memories, and then looking at the memory and saying to myself "See, this is what you are loosing -- you are never going to be able to have such a moment again", upon which emotions would well up and I would cry and cry and just lay in my bed and sob all depressed and victim like, where I was actually enjoying just being this bag of emotions just laying there all 'powerless' and "oh my god, the world and my life sucks so much" -- where I basically used the death of the pet as an excuse to have a self-pity party.

So then this whole experience really didn't have anything to do with the being that died, I just found it to be a good opportunity to let out all the self-pity that I had accumulated until that point in my life (maybe not all of it, but still a substantial amount).

Looking back at how I experienced myself with the death of my guinea pig, I used this 'mechanism' to manipulate myself and others, and where others would not 'question' my behaviour, because 'Hey, I just lost someone' -- where within that moment of deliberately digging up memories and saying things to myself that I knew would make me feel bad/cry -- I felt like I was 'cheating' in the sense of using the dead animal's "name in vain" -- where I was abusing their death and their life for the sake of suiting my own personal interest as having a pity party.

So then fast forwarding back to where I am now, where I was feeling bad about not feeling bad (lol) -- I immediately went into a movement of 'maybe I should go and dig up some memories and make myself cry, because that's the appropriate thing to do', where with the last bird, I dug up a memory and I could see the mechanism already turning its wheels, where I felt the emotions welling up and 'winding myself up' energetically. But then I stopped, because I saw that this was not the point, because within digging up memories as pictures with energetic signatures attached, I'm not dealing with the actual animal that died -- I'm just using information stored within me to manipulate how I feel, which as no actual direct physical relationship to the being that just died -- and that to me was like 'sacrilege' where I was once again going into the point of 'using someone's name in vain' -- and so I stopped and simply accepted that I was not going to be crying over this death and moved on pretty quickly.

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Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 
Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won’t get Disappointed

When and as I see myself monitoring the behaviour of a new bird in comparison to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' the behaviour in order to classify it under 'bird that made it' and 'bird that didn't made it' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dig into the past in order to find out what the future is going to look like, where I am constantly jumping back and forth in order to get some 'information' and within that completely missing what is here as the moment, as things unfold in breath -- which is the only moment where I can make a true assessment -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of the going back and forth, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and let go of the need to control and allow myself to enjoy the moment for what it is

When and as I see myself react to seeing Puf bop her head down with fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am immediately connecting this physical presentation feature to memories with similar features where birds bopped their head down and later died, where I then go into fear of the same thing happening to Puf -- so I commit myself to within that moment stop the fear, breathe, be here as my human physical body and unconditionally participate in the moment

When and as I see myself keeping a close eye on the behaviour of a new bird from the starting point of seeing whether I should relax or worry -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that neither being 'relaxed' as being 'nonchalant' or the polairty as being 'worried' is going to make a different to what is actually going on, and is in no way going to 'change the future' or alter the outcome just by changing my mood -- what matters is physical action as keeping an eye on things and intervene when necessary -- and not to be constantly and continuasly in a particular 'mood' -- whether positive or negative -- wherein I compromise my effectiveness in dealing with what is here within looking at things within judgment where I can interpret things 'optimistically' and miss things or interpret things 'pessimistically' and make things up -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of wanting to find out 'how I should feel' -- instead I breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and commit myself to trust myself to pick up behavioural changes which require intervention when necessary -- and act

When and as I see myself to into a want/desire/believe that I need a sense of control -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am taking on this stance in order to manage my inner reality as thoughts,feelings and emotions -- where I believe that if I am able to predict the future/outcome of the bird I can already 'prepare' myself before it happens so that when it happens I can suppress the experience appear to not be affected and so I commit myself to stop wanting control as this wanting control indicates a fear of a particular experience/event and so I move myself to investigate my relationship with that which I fear and dissect my experience within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements, so that whatever happens: I am here

When and as I see myself embracing the motto of "Always expect the worst, then you can't get disspointed' when experiencing anxiety/uncertainty in relaiton to a particular outcome -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that suiting myself up with this motto is not an actual solution to my experience but merely a suppression mechanism where I want to put up a 'brave face' where I hope that if I take this point on that I will not be affected/emotional if the worst case scenario does happen and so I commit myself to stop myself within that moment of thinking "Better expect the worst" and look at what it is that I fear and my experience in relation to it within writing, instead of suppressing it

When and as I see myself wanting to adopt the attitude of "Always expect the worst, like that you can't get disappointed" in relation to an outcome where I fear I may be affected by it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed judgment to exist within and as me towards being sad/crying when something happens like the death of an animal -- where I believe that it is 'weak' to demonstrate such behaviour and fear being judged for it and so I commit myself to investigate my relationship with showing how I feel/experience myself within judgment of 'weakness' and I commit myself to within that moment stop and look at how I am judging myself and let go of the fear/judgment and allow myself to breathe, be here and simnply take things as they come

Related articles

• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
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• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won’t get Disappointed

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 
Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor the behaviour of a new bird in comparison to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' any behaviour points to those that either did or didn't make it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/observe Puf bop her head down a bit, and then immediately link it / connect it to all past memories as pictures of past birds bopping their heads down, where most of them went into a point of self-defeat and ended up dying -- where I upload this point of and project it unto the bird as 'what if she is going to die' / 'maybe something's wrong with her;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly link any behaviour to the behaviour of past birds as categorised in 'behaviour of birds that made it' and 'behaviour of birds that didn't make it' -- where I try and put each and every movement, sound, behavioural pattern into either one of the categories which I then use to 'steer' my thoughts in either a positive or negative direction, depending on whether I was able to match the behaviour with a bird that made it or did not make it and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to monitor, match, and classify the behaviour according to past memories in an attempt to 'predict the future' -- where I believe that if I can match and classify the behaviour of a new bird to any of the old/previous birds -- that I will be able to determine its outcome and within that gain a sense of 'control'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire/believe that I need - a sense of control - so that I can be 'prepared' and 'ready' for the worst case scenario as the Death of a bird so that it does not come as a 'surprise' -- and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am NOT in control and that it does not matter how I manage my inner-reality from the starting point of 'wanting to be prepared' -- as this won't make a difference to the outcome/result of the bird's life -- but is only me keeping myself distracted and occupied and within that denying myself to see how the Bird is actually doing or not doing as I am too busy projecting the past unto the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embraced the motto of 'Always expect the worst, then you cannot be disappointed' -- where whenever I want something to happen, I go into the worst case scenario just so that I can manipulate 'how I feel' when my expectation doesn't pan out -- without actually looking at the nature of my expectation/desire and actually working through the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embraced the motto of 'always expect the worst, like that you can't be disappointed' as an armour that I put around myself, where I still hope for the best yet cover it up with a layer of 'expecting the worst' so that whatever happens it first hits my armour as 'I expected the worst anyway' as a way to not have to deal with the layer below as what I actually hoped/wished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have integrated the motto of 'always expect the worst, like that you can't get disappointed' as a way to cope /suppress my actual experience, where I literally 'suit up' with this motto over my actual experience, to cover it up and ignore it, so that when what I feared happens, I can just "brush it off" -- but I only in fact further suppress it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me putting a cover/armour on as 'always expect the worst, then you can't get disappointed' is me directing myself and 'being stable' -- without seeing and realising that this is just me placing a lid on a boiling pot, to suppress the sound of the boiling water, where all seems 'stable' and 'clear' -- yet below the surface the water / experience of myself is boiling and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realise that putting a lid on is not me directing myself, but me suppressing, controlling and thus in fact hiding from myself '

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of wanting to look out for birds / other beings, where I believe that this will be perceived as 'weak' and that I must not show that I care / would be sad/hurt if something happens to them -- where I put up a 'brave face' and adopt the attitude of 'always expect the worst so you can't get disappointed' as a way to hide my experience from myself and others out of fear of judgment -- which indicates the judgment already existent within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse worry with care -- where I allow myself to mix care as diligence and consistency with fear as worrying/fearing something bad happening -- not seeing and realising that fear as worrying is not caring, as it is just passive energy movement inside myself which in no way actually contributes to the physical caring of another

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Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 

When and as I learn the news that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- and see myself reacting within excitement -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing past memories within myself which share features to the current moment, and where I upload these memories to define/shape/mould the current moment for myself as 'this is going to be fun' and so instead I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and ground myself as my human physical body and embrace the moment here for what it is rather than placing it and limiting it within a framework of the past

When and as I learn the news that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- and see myself reacting within gloom/sadness -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing past memories within myself which share features to the current moment, and where I upload these memories to define/shape/mould the current moment for myself as 'Is the bird going to make it / fear of the bird dying' and so instead I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and ground myself as my human physical body and embrace the moment here for what it is rather than placing it and limiting it within a framework of the past

When and as I see myself reacting to the news of a new bird within having pictures flashing in my mind of the past -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing the past and projecting it unto the future as 'possible outcomes' -- and make these memories of the past my expectations of the future, wherein I limit myself, my awareness, and expression to 'what I already know' based on past memories/experiences -- where if something would happen which does not 'fit in' with my expectations based on past memories, I will be unable to 'cope' and 'deal' with the situation as I have placed myself in a limited position where I depend on the past to tell me what to do and so instead I commit myself to assess each single moment individually, anew, fresh and trust myself to act within practical common sense based on what is here

When and as I see myself reacting to the presence of a new bird within accessing past memories of past birds -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that if I participate with this 'new' bird from a starting point of my relationship with 'past' birds, I am not actually interacting/participating with the bird I am currently, physically faced with -- but only an idea, projection which I have layered unto the bird which renders me incapable of actually seeing and working the bird as who she/he really is, here, in the moment -- as I am too busy filtering every movement, sound, image of the bird through the past and uploading past experiences which I copy/paste unto the current moment and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the past as memories and energetic experiences, and move myself to simply be here, with the bird, unconditionally -- stopping any thoughts, pictures, memories, energies as they pop up / get triggered

When and as I see myself accessing an experience/feeling of 'hope' when seeing/interacting the new birdie -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am still holding on to my past relationship with TweeTweet and where I wish to reconstruct this relationship -- within that not considering that this is a different bird, and thus will never fit my idea/expectation based on how things were with TweeTweet, and will only cause frustration if I hold on to them -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of TweeTweet and work with the new bird (we named her by the way, the name is "Puf" ) moment by moment, breath by breath with no strings attached

When and as I see myself going into a mode of being 'reserved' when seeing / participating with Puf -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am operating based on input and output, where I see Puf which is identical in physical appearance to TweeTweet -- and within 'matching' these two pictures, I upload all the information within me as past experiences with TweeTweet -- and where I remember how things ended with TweeTweet and then base my relationship with Puf based on the information as stored memories in relation to TweeTweet within me -- where I want to change/mould my behaviour as being open/expressive to being reserved, within the belief that this will 'protect me' if the bird dies. And so I commit myself to within that moment of catching the 'reservedness', to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and allow myself to unconditionally let go of the past and be here with Puf without hauling in the past

When and as I see myself go into a mode of 'holding back' when seeing / interacting with Puf -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the possibility of him/her dying soon due to the young age and general uncertainty of physical health and fears of the past repeating itself is not an acceptable reason as to why I should hold back / deny myself openeness -- as these are merely justifications/excuses which I use to hide behind so as to not having to walk beyond my self accepted limitations as living in fear of loss and so I commit myself to not allow these factors to impede my participating/interaction with Puf and move myself to be here within every moment of breath and make the best out of every moment

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• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
• Day 82: Self-Completion
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Day 89: Holding Back

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- go both into a point of excitement and gloom -- where I am excited about meeting the new birdie and getting to know him and at the same time go into a point of 'gloom' of 'what if the bird does not make it' and -- "I shouldn't get ahead of myself, for all I know it'll be dead tomorrow or in the next few days"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories as having had fun with birds in the past, where it was cool to be around them, play with them and simply observe them interact with reality -- where I within that moment go and access all the 'positively' charged memories -- and get excited about the prospect of being able to 're-live' those moments as re-living the positive energies associated with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when i learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories has having been sad in relation to birds upon finding out that they were hurt and thus probably going to die or upon finding out that they died -- where within that moment I go and access all of the 'negatively' charged memories -- and get sad about the prospect of possible 're-living' those moments as re-living the negstive energies associates with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to information in my environment/reality within automated reaction -- where I go and dig up all related/similar past events and upload them within and as me -- and use these memories as the various pictures and energies as emotions and feeling to 'define' the current moment -- and within this context, define my relationship with the found bird -- where I within that moment of receiving the information that there is a new birdie, and uploading/recycling the various memories of the past, I mold and shape my starting point of interaction with the birdie based on the past as past relationships with other birds -- where I limit my participation/interaction within the limited framework of the past as what I have already experienced/gone through -- and within that completely lose the moment / hereness of what is actually going on -- as I filter every moment through the past and put myself in a position where I am unable to assess/see any given moment/situation for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created/established a relationship of hope/fear with the new birdie, even before I met it -- based on past experiences/memories -- where I hope to have an enjoyful relationship with the bird and at the same time fear losing the bird already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mode of 'reservefulness' -- where I accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' within myself and interaction with the bird -- where I first want to see how things go and what is going to happen before I will allow myself to just be here and play/share with the birdie -- out of fear of being hurt when / if it dies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by setting myself up to be 'reserved' I am in fact already placing myself within an experience of 'loss' -- where I am not allowing myself to actually be here and participate/interact with the birdie unconditionally -- and within that already 'take away' that which I fear losing as simply being comfortable and having fun with the bird -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a distorted sense of wanting to be in control of the situation, go and deny myself having fun with the bird -- so that it is ME deciding to deny myself this, where it is not something 'happening' to me to which I react -- where I believe that because I am initiating the point of witholding as not allowing myself to unconditionally enjoy the bird -- that I am in control and will not get hurt if the birdie dies, as I never allowed myself to get close to the bird in the first place

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is in fact a waste to be 'reserved' and to 'hold back' -- as I am merely denying myself to bere here, comfortable -- whether or not something happens to the bird -- where within just being here, comfortable and sharing/expressing, I am making the best out of being here with the bird, regardless of 'how much time' spent with the bird in terms of lifespan -- and where if I hold myself back/ am reserved -- I am merely compromising myself and the bird for the sake of holding on to my fear

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• Day 82: Self-Completion
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