Today I had a chat
scheduled with one of my buddies. While I was busy chatting with my buddy my
internet would "drop" and I would get kicked out of the chat program.
It would then take 10-15 min to get "high" again and then I could chat
for a minute or five until the internet went low again. At first I was "okay" with it, I
was a bit irritated but I told myself to wait it out. Then when it kept on
dropping again and again and it would take longer and longer to get back up --
I got really pissed off. I had a bowl of oats in front of me and I started
stabbing the bowl with my spoon, with the intention of breaking it. I had all
this built up energy and I just wanted to get it out. I stopped stabbing the
bowl after a few stabs because I saw that it would be pretty useless to break
the bowl. I'd then have crappy internet and a broken bowl whereas before I
would only have crappy internet lol.
Then I took a deep
breath, looked at the situation and saw there wasn't much I could do so I sent
my buddy an email to reschedule.
When I was looking
at this event a bit earlier, a memory popped up from when my guinea pig died
(again lol). When he died we were trying to look for an address of a vet on the
internet. Back then we had an internet modem and the internet would tap into the
phone line and it was pretty crappy . The modem made these crappy sounds and
had little flashing lights. All I knew was that when all the lights were on,
that it meant that the internet was on and that it was at (back then) a high
speed. So I sat there with my guinea pig in my arms, wrapped in a towel sitting
on a little chair next to my mom who was going to run the search. I just sat
there staring at the modem and the flashing lights and looking at my guinea pig
dying in my arms . In my head I was begging the internet/modem to work so we
could find a fucking vet and save his life. I think I even ended up praying to
God and Jesus -- anything that would make the freaking internet work. It took
forever and I remember telling the modem in my head that it was going to be its
fault if the guinea pig dies and I will never forgive the modem if this
happens. We eventually got the address, but we didn't have the car available so
we had to go by foot and it was going to be about a half hour walk. Seven minutes
into the walk I opened the box where my guinea pig was in and I saw that he was
already dead. I was really angry and kept on blaming that freaking modem in my
head.
Afterwards, every
time I would see the modem I would give it
my "evil" look to make sure that it knew that it was its fault
lol. And I tried to avoid seeing it because it would bring the memory back up
again.
So this is one of
the points that I can see that led to this event.
The other point that
I can see and which I think is more "prominently" responsible for
what happened is the point of accumulation effect. Where I during my day will
get slightly upset at something / someone but not say anything as to not create
conflict and then instead of expressing the point I will hold on to it inside
myself and "express" it as backchat within. All these little points
then accumulate to an event where something's not working out -- like the
internet -- and then I will use this event as an opportunity to "let
go" and "release" myself from all this built up energy. Poor
bowl.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally reactive when my
internet is not stable
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for how I
experience myself
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the internet for me wanting to
break something
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am
responsible for getting angry and wanting to break something -- the internet
was just doing what it does and had nothing to do with it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is justified to get
angry at the internet when it is not stable
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to start swearing inside my head and
out loud at the internet -- which only makes the experience of myself worse and
does nothing whatsoever to actually change the situation for the better.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to break stuff when I am angry
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the impulse of "I
want to break stuff"
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I want
to hurt and break an innocent bystander such as my bowl of outs that there must
be something seriously wrong with me
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the common sense
simplicity that breaking something is not going to fix the situation.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the
"situation" is the problem and that it is the "situation"
that needs "fixing"
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is me who
is the problem and how I allow myself to experience myself within a particular
situation
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common
sensical truth within the observation of myself wanting to break something
because apparently the "situation" isn't behaving the way that
"it should" according to me -- that obviously nothing's wrong with
the situation but everything's wrong with me!
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting to
break stuff isn't a helpful response to a perceived unfavourable situation.
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop for a moment within my
impulse of rage and wanting to break shit and asking myself: Why am I doing
this?
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I
experience a 'burst' of energy -- that this means that this energy must come
from somewhere -- and that I should find out how it got to be all piled up
inside myself
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I get
angry and want to break stuff that I am not necessarily actually being angry at
the situation that I am currently in -- but that I am using this situation as an
opportunity to release much suppressed and compressed energies which have been
accumulating over time through not speaking and allowing back chat to take
over.
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to speak when I disagree with
something
I forgive myself
that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to say something when I see that
something's out of place
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to
another out of fear of conflict
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of speaking and
communicating -- hold back and suppress the point inside myself -- where it
will sit and fester in the back of my mind until I eventually find myself in a
situation where I "burst" to let all of this undirected energy out --
which is not a solution as I am only temporarily "releasing" myself
to prepare myself to carry around the next load of points until I burst again
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict because I fear that
the person I am speaking to will disagree and argue and I fear that I will not
be able to give a proper response and within that will appear as "not
having a point" and that I will end up just giving up and not argue to get
my point through because I believe that it is useless and that the other person
won't budge from their point of view
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pointing something out to
someone because of fear of conflict whereby I anticipate that the other person
will not allow me time to formulate a proper response and whereby I anticipate
an experience of embarrassment and humiliation inside myself -- and where I within the anticipation of all
those experiences simply tell myself to "not go there" as I don't
want to experience myself that way (not that I will be experiencing myself that
way, it's only how I think I will
experience myself and how I think that
the other person will behave -- in reality I really have no idea of what's
going to happen) -- and where as a result I will simply supress and bury the
point inside myself and let it sit there. And then later I allow myself to go
over the point over and over again and start getting angry at the other person
for whatever it was that I saw while the only person I'm supposed to be angry
at is myself for not expressing myself and utilizing the opportunity I had to
change the point. I have no right to be angry at the other as I allowed that
person to behave the way he or she did through not speaking up.
I forgive myself
that I have I accepted and allowed myself to then allow all these
"little" points to accumulate inside myself over time -- not giving
them direction through self-forgiveness and self-correction -- whereby the
points just grow bigger and bigger until I cannot contain it any longer and I
burst out in a completely unrelated event where I see it as "safe" to
burst out -- such as bursting out towards the internet, my keyboard, pc as I
know that they can't start an argument and debate with me -- I can simply
scream, shout and hit stuff without these inanimate objects being able to
respond to my tantrum.
When and as I see
myself getting angry and wanting to break shit -- I stop and I breathe. I see
and realise that what I am doing is destructive and does not assist and support
me in anyway whatsoever. Instead I investigate why I want to break stuff: where
in my reality have I allowed myself to accumulate points of discontent without
communicating about them and allowing them to fester inside myself? Once I have
identified the points I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements
in order to script the way before me to assist and support me in breaking this
pattern and assisting myself with correcting myself within those points where I
compromise.
When and as I see
myself blaming "the situation" for how I experience myself -- I stop
and I breathe. I see and realise that I am in fact abdicating my responsibility
by projecting the cause of my experience unto my environment -- instead of seeing
and realising that the cause was already existent within and as me and that the
environment was simply functioning as a trigger to activate the point.
When and as I see a
point that I would like to express towards someone and I start feeling anxiety,
resistance and like a slight restriction of the chest coming up -- I stop and I
breathe. I see and realise that I am accessing an ingrained behavioural pattern
whereby I immediately see the situation as an argument/competition whereby I
assume myself to already be the loser and within that not wanting to go through
the losing experience thus I withhold myself from participating or starting a
conversation in order to avoid such an experience of inferiority, loss and
defeat. Within that -- I see and realise that I have actually already placed
myself in a position of defeat by giving up before I have even tried and this
this behavioural pattern does not assist and support me in my process of
self-expansion.
I commit myself to
investigate myself in every moment of emotional outbursts in order to identify
where this outburst came from and how it ended up being accumulated to this
point -- so that I may step outside my accepted and allowed energy limitations
and direct myself instead of being energy-driven
I commit myself to
the establishment of a world and a world system that is best for all where breaking things because
you're angry is not considered "normal" and "good therapy"
as a way to cope with your life -- but where a support structure is in place where
one is assisted and supported to find the roots of one's anger problems so that
they may change their life for the better and not have to be a slave to these
experience of anger
I'll go into the
guinea pig memory next blog post.
