Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ridiculousness and futility whenever I am doing something which could be perceived/labelled as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of guilt whenever I am doing something / participating within something which could be perceived as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at all times be productive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have turned the concept of 'unproductivity' into an excuse -- where I have accepted and allowed myself to bring it up as a reason as to why doing something or investigating a point which is in relation to developing self-intimacy and self-understanding is not 'what I should do now' and manipulate myself into skipping / postponing the activity under the guise that 'it's not productive', while I am merely just resisting the point of exploring and developing self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within not doing things which require me to work on myself as a being, where I use the reason / excuse that 'it is not productive' to make myself feel 'okay' with not doing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I don't take the time out for myself to work on myself then I cannot expect others to do the same and thus cannot expect this world to change any time soon -- as the very system of 'productivity' and 'infinite economic growth' is merely the result/outcome/consequence of our human nature which we accepted and allowed collectively and thus unless we do something about our nature, the system will remain the same as an equal and one reflection of who we are -- and thus as long as I allow myself to postpone self-change I am postponing the change of the system and will always find myself in a 'productivity trap'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to downplay the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration within the belief that it 'doesn't help anyone else' -- not seeing and realising that change starts with self and that if no-one takes out the time to change themselves we will always believe that we are unable to change and remain victims of our own stupidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my 'productivity' argument at times when I don't want to do a point of self-intimacy / working on myself and then at other times use the 'I need time for myself' argument when I don't feel like doing something which could be categorized as 'productive'-- where these arguments conveniently pop up according to what I want to do instead of what needs to be done / what would be best for all -- where I allow energy to determine the 'reasoning applicable in the moment' to manipulate my way into always 'doing what I want' instead of using practical common sense within 'doing what needs to be done', where my preferences only come secondary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swing from one side to the other where I will either focus too much on productivity and too little on self-development, or too much on self-development and too little of productivity -- where I do not allow myself to line out a practical balance because obviously both points require to be addressed

Related articles

• Day 212: Time is Money
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 353 - Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2) 
Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about other people and other life forms and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better/ more important than other people/life form

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the hypocrisy/evilness of not caring about others who are not as well off as me while knowing that I would want to be cared for if I was them with all my heart

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care for and respect others as me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have no right to live the life of comfort I have if I am not willing to live the life of others that make possible the life I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up my life of comfort which takes place primarily in my mind as a drug induce happiness experience for the sake of making other people's lives actually physically more comfortable

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that what has become of me/humanity is a ruthless, principle-less monster that stands against anything of value within life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just 'want to do nothing' after going through a regular day from the perspective that the life we live and how do things in the world is not cool / enjoyable but a drag and where within that point of 'just let me be' and 'I don't want to do anything/contribute' I am actually only further perpetuating the problem and creating / maintaining what I don't like within this world/reality where I only care to balance out the negative with some positive so that I can 'recharge' myself for another day without in any way whatsoever changing what is actually causing me to not like my life so much and keeping the cycle going for myself and everyone else -- where if I only looked at the problem and that which is not cool from a starting point of 'Prevention is the best cure' -- I wouldn't need to constantly shift myself from the negative to the positive to 'be okay' but could simply be here, stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care but actual solution but to only care about my personal/happiness experience - where I did not care about how the world is set up and functions as long as I can get some reward/positivity to compensate for the bad stuff -- not seeing and realising that this may have been manageable for myself and my life but not on a grand scale where many have to live in constant negativity to uphold/maintain and substantiate a life of 'positivity' for others

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I wouldn't need 'a break' and to 'zone out' if the problems that are existent within the world today weren't in place -- and so it is not acceptable/enough to just 'zone out' and 'take a break' once in a while as this never changes anything but to look at why i need a break/escape from reality in the first place and deal with it hands on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go for a ‘quick fix’ in quite a literal way, where I rather go for a quick ‘feel good experience’ rather than moving myself to bring about an actual change in my world which would eliminate the need for a quick fix in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about reality but not willing to take the necessary steps to change it and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to complain

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it was my ‘quick fix feel good’ experience/desire that is in fact creating the problems/shit in the world that I then go and compensate for within my quick fix – where the positive perpetuates the bad and the bad perpetuates the good – keeping the cycle in place and growing

Related articles

• Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
• Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)
• Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 23: Decisions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have never made a real decision within my life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I in fact have never made decision within my life – as all my decisions have only ever been based on past experiences as memory – and never a seeing in the moment what would be Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have never made a real decision within my life, as within every moment of decision I draw on my past, past experience and memories to tell me what to do – where I accepted and allowed my past to tell me, direct me into a particular decision – and thus it was never a real decision as it was already pre-determined based on my database of past experiences and memories

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my decisions are based on personal likes and dislikes as positive and negative energy annotations, based on past experiences and memories – where within every moment of decision will base my decisions and what route to talk on my personal likes and dislikes based on memory as past events and experiences – and thus never actually practically deciding within the moment within the starting point and context of what is Best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to personal likes and dislikes – and to believe these to be real – while obviously they cannot be real if everyone has different likes and dislikes and there is no uniformity or absoluteness in anyway whatsoever, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that personal likes and dislikes can never be what is Best for All as it only considers what is Best for Self as Character

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am in fact a pre-programmed organic robot, executing and performing tasks based on my memory as all the inputs I’ve received throughout my life and the inputs I placed in myself within back chat – and thus any action, task, decision was never real but only ever based on past experiences as memory

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that with every new step, with every new decision – I am not in fact stepping forward, as I simply repeating and recycling my past within myself where I take all I have ever done and all I have ever experienced and run it through the equation of the decision I have to make in the present – and thus all that can ever come from this decision is more of the same, more of the past – and within that supporting and keeping myself as character in place

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have ever only existed as characters, as different sets of values as likes and dislikes – where I will move from one character to another as the input/environment changes and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have in fact never lived but only lived as fragmented characters within separation of myself, in constant fluctuation – instead of being here, stable, within every moment of breath

When and as I see myself being faced with a decision, and decide upon something – I stop and I breathe – I take a moment to evaluate how I accepted and allowed myself to come to this decision and ask myself: what variables were involved? What values were involved? Is this really what is best for all or is it a decision based on personal likes and dislikes which in no way whatsoever considers what is best for all? And within that I commit myself to evaluate the decisions I have made and the decisions still to make to check myself and my starting point within making decision and teach myself to make decisions which are in fact best for all and not automated decision making based on personal likes and dislikes

When and as I see myself shifting characters – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not in fact here, present as breath within every moment – but am allowing myself to be a program running in automation mode where I will change and adapt myself according to the various inputs coming from my environment and my self-taught outputs as a response to these inputs – I see and realise that this is not in fact real living and thus I stop and stick to breathing, here

Within that I commit myself to for myself identify all the various characters I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create within my life to deal with various situations, people – and to walk the process of Self Forgiveness and Self Correction pertaining these characters so I can merge all the fragmented, separated parts back together here as me and transform myself from being multiple disordered character to an actual living being Here

When and as I see myself making a decision based on personal likes and dislikes as positive and negative energy, I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not real decision making but running an automated program which is not reliable at all as it is only based on self-interest and the survival of self as character and thus I do not accepted and allow myself to go that route and re-direct myself to really look and see what requires to be done within the moment which is in the Best interest of ALL