Day 236: Getting Ahead of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE THIS EXPERIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get rid of the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to understand the experience I am in, I just want it GONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for the experience that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself that I am not getting out of this experience 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is useless to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the self forgiveness I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being in a point of negativity, for being negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my current experience and point I am walking invalidates all of who I am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am never going to move out of this experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk this point truly, because of the shame and judgment involved, any effort or attempt has only been to get rid off and get away from the experience, to get back to a sense of ‘normality’ when this point was not present or at least not active / activated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I cannot ‘afford’ to walk this point, that it just needs to be ‘gone and done’ 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have made everything about ‘the destination’ - of where I think I should be of where I think I should be at - wanting to be there without walking the process, the journey

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get ahead of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to skip ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to walk the physical process of walking a point through

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to be patient with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in a state of urgency, where I perceive and believe that I need to change NOW, things have to move and change NOW and every day that things are still the same I perceive and believe as a judgment and failure on my part

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the process of 1 + 1 + 1 +1 - denying the process of creation and only being fixated on the outcome / end result

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fixating on the outcome / end result without giving attention to the process of creation is pointless and shows how much I have been stuck in my mind dimension where everything is ‘instant’, expecting physical reality to match my imagination - where I can see and conceptualize my correction, my living potential - but it’s not here YET, where I get hung up on the fact that I can see it but it’s not yet manifested as a reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my own experience and points worse for myself by constantly comparing myself to the potential that I see and envision for myself, reacting that I am not yet there or rather that it’s not yet ‘here’ and within that add more fuel to the fire, add more energy to the experience I am already in and blowing it out of proportion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hold the potential I can see for myself as a seed within me that I nurture within myself - to in every day and every moment ask myself: how can I nurture this seed? What is the + 1 that will assist and support me right here, right now to assist in the creation and manifestation process of my potential - to focus on what is Here and what is in my Reach to work with - rather than getting stuck in future projections and imaginations and build up more energy/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into a drop after writing this - not believing in myself, not wanting to give myself a chance

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the drop was created because I had a moment of hesitation, a moment of doubt a moment of postponement and did not immediately act on the statement that I wrote out for myself

Day 215: Arguments of Convenience – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of futility and ridiculousness whenever I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that no-one is imposing this experience on me but me -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body and focus on the task at hand

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of guilt when I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the guilt forms part of the Policeman in the Head Morality Construct -- where I  don't need anyone to tell me anymore what I should and shouldn't do as I have already internalized the values of the system within me, where I feel guilt and shame towards the policeman in my head within doing something which I labeled as 'non-productive'. I commit myself to breathe, let go of the energetic charge as guilt as I see and realise that I am both the observer as the policeman and the observed as the one experiencing the guilt and I make the directive decision to not participate in either -- and to be here as breath, within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself looking at an activity which I know within myself I should really do now / seeing that this point requires attention NOW but experience resistance in relation to the point upon which I then conjure up the thought/excuse 'that this is not a productive activity'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely coming up with the excuse that 'it is not productive' as reason/justification why it is okay for me to not do this right now and to cover up/disguise the actual experience of inherent resistance towards the activity/task -- where I make it seem like it is 'nothing personal', but just that 'it's not productive' where playing out this theatric I am attempting to show/tell myself that 'there is nothing going on here' and can just 'continue to go about my business' and thus I commit myself to stop the kidding of myself and instead acknowledge the presence of resistance and allow myself to push through / work with the point instead of painting it to be something else

When and as I see myself downplaying the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration as acts of self-intimacy within telling myself 'not now' and 'this isn't helping anyone right now' -- I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am kidding myself / sabotaging myself because I have seen and realised and understood the importance of self-intimacy for the development of self-honesty as an important point to bring about change within this world and is not something to just be 'waved away'. I thus commit myself to remind myself of what I have seen and realised and to deal with any resistances that come up within the moment towards the point of self-intimacy

When and as I see myself being faced with a task which needs to be done which could be categorized as 'productive' but experience resistance towards the point/activity/task and then conjure up the thought that 'I need some time for myself' as an excuse to not deal with the point, where I rather go do some writing or exercise -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dress up my decision as being 'principle based' by conjuring up thoughts as arguments which conveniently suit the situation as what I want to do per the energy I am experiencing. I thus commit myself to acknowledge the experience of resistance, that it is just a matter of 'me not wanting to do it' and move myself to do it as a self-directive self-moved decision to show to myself that I can move myself beyond energy and I commit myself to investigate the nature of the resistance so that I can practically work through it

Day 126: Sigh - Part 4

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?
Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words
Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!

 When and as I see myself react to something in my environment 'not working' the way I expect it to -- as the internet running slow and making the buttons not work/clickable -- and react to that within irritation and annoyance an let out a big fat sigh -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am attempting to show my discontent with whatever I perceive as 'not working' as a form of complaining that something is 'not fair' and so I commit myself to stop myself to moment I take that extra deep breath to produce a sign and check what I am doing -- so that I do not necessarily compromise and sabotage myself within holding on to expectations

When and as I see myself being faced with a situation where something is not working the way I want it to work -- such as the internet being slow and taking a long time to process information -- and want to respond to that within letting out a big fat sigh, to show that I am 'not okay' with this -- even though I know that this will not make a difference and will just have to deal with it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am unnecessarily creating something more out of what is going on within sighing and creating an emotional experience and so I commit myself to stop my emotional reaction , breathe, and slow down

When and as I see myself in a situation where something is 'not working' the way I want/expect it to work such as the internet being slow -- and react to that within sighing and getting upset/frustrated and clicking lots in a desperate attempt to 'get through' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am placing whatever that I perceive as not working within a label of 'not being cooperative' and blame whatever/the internet for my experience of sighing and frustration and so I commit myself to stop my emotional reaction as frustration and stop myself the moment I want to go into a sigh and direct/move myself to slow down and adapt within the realisation that I am the one being uncooperative within getting frustrated/sighing/complaining

When and as I see myself in a situation where something is 'not working' the way I want/expect it to work such as the internet being slow - and let out a big sigh -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this indicates to me that I believe that I have the right to express my discontent in the face of whatever I perceive as being 'uncooperative' -- without seeing and realising that me sighing and myself taking on a stance of non-cooperation is merely me sabotaging myself and moving myself to work effectively with what is here, where I distract myself with the belief that things 'shouldn't be this way' and within that set myself up in a rigid position to show my resistance and protest, but where I end up only working against myself and so I commit to stop the protest and slow myself down within and as breath as I've seen, realised and understand that this is not going to make a difference to physical reality

Will continue tomorrow

Related articles

• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words

Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when something is not working as I expect it -- where things are not going smooth and fast -- get upset at reality not matching my expectation and within that feel that reality is being unfair towards me as my mind, and where I want to show my discontent with reality by letting out a big, fat, sigh -- and within that saying 'Hear me sigh! Look at what you are doing to me! Why are you placing me in this position? It's not fair -- you are wrong and I am right, conform to my ideas goddammit!'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever question the expression of 'sighing' -- believing that it is just something we do to
'release steam' and within that not actually look and investigate what it is that moves through me within the moment of sighing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise, that sighing is not a point of 'releasing some steam', but is actually quite the opposite as a from of 'protest', where one acknowledge that nothing can be done about what one is doing / dealing with, but where self wants to show/indicate that even though self is going to work with it, it doesn't mean that self agrees -- and will thus 'put up a fight' within assuming an uncooperative attitude towards what self is doing and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not that something or someone is being uncooperative in relation to me which is making me go into discontent and producing a sigh -- but it is me stating within sighing that I am going to take on an uncooperative stance towards whatever it is I am dealing with and thus my experience has got nothing to do with that which I am working with but who I allow myself to be within a given situation and how I decide to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to express my discontent in the face of whatever I perceive as being 'uncooperative' -- without seeing and realising that me sighing and myself taking on a stance of non-cooperation is merely me sabotaging myself and moving myself to work effectively with what is here, where I distract myself with the belief that things 'shouldn't be this way' and within that set myself up in a rigid position to show my resistance and protest, but where I end up only working against myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is perfectly normal for myself and other people to sigh when things are not going the way we/I expect them to go, believing this to be a 'normal' and 'innocent' expression -- not ever questioning where such expressions come from or who one is within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am faced with something that is not going the way I would like it to go, as for instance the internet being slow which would require me to slow down as well -- to deliberately let out a sigh and induce an experience of 'heaviness' and ' a weight pushing down on me' whilst at the same time deluding myself within believing that this experience is being caused by the point I perceive as 'not going the way I want it to go' while I am the one deciding to experience myself within this manner within the deliberate decision of formulating and letting out a big, fat sigh, as some weird form of 'protest'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me sighing and being all rigid is not going to miraculously change the situation to how I would like it to be -- where I actually only make things worse for myself within not just dealing with what is here and adjusting my course of action and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to 'force' reality to work 'my way' and conform to an idea in my mind as 'how things should be' -- not seeing and realising that I have no such magnificent mind powers where a single sigh can 'change the tide' and 'make things go my way'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sigh when things aren't going 'my way' -- where I am not allowing myself to be flexible and adapt to what is here and find another way to deal with whatever there is to be dealt with, but instead want to 'hold on' to how I believe things should be even though all the evidence is against me, showing me that how I want things to be isn't how it is, and thus what I am doing is completely ineffective and counterproductive as I am wasting my time -- where with the slow internet I didn't just wait or go somewhere with a better internet connection, but instead went 'click-click-click-click-click WORK GODDAMMIT" -- where it should have been obvious that after a few clicks that what I was trying to achieve was not working and was not going to happen, but where instead of changing my approach I only became more stubborn and upset -- and in essence: throwing a tantrum

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sigh as a form of audible complaint, where I want others to hear me and pity me withing being in a position where apparently 'things are against' -- where I want the other thing or person to change for what I want to achieve to work, instead of me changing and adapting -- merely indicating to me how stuck I am within the belief and religion of myself as 'how things should be' and 'who I am' and my limit of cooperation towards myself and others -- where I just want everything to be nice and easy, and the moment things become rough or I have to change my course of action: I become upset and want to protest -- because "how dare this thing or person get in my way? I have the right to be all comfy! I have the right to the path of least resistance! I have the right to be a single minded and not flexible in how I approach things! Poooooooor meeeeeeeee!"

To be continued

Related articles

• Day 220 - How thoughts create Physical reality.
• Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp
• Day 153: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 11 - Understanding the reflection in the mirror - I feel excluded
• Day 156 - Part of the Package
• Day 165 - Justifying is Fighting for Limitation
• Day 74: Process, writing, self support Part 3

Day 119: The Power of Thought - Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 117: The Power of Thought  

Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp

When and as I see myself accessing an assumption on 'how long' something takes to do, and believe this to be a valid and trustworthy reference -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am just making things up and actually have no idea how long something is or isn't going to take, and have already seen many times that my estimations do not match the actual physical reality of how long things take to do and so I commit myself to disregard my assumption/belief and to find out how long something takes by actually doing it and not using my estimation/guess as an excuse/justification as to why I shouldn't do something

When and as I see myself being in a position where I have to do something but believe/estimate/guess that I will not be able to complete the task within the given timeframe -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot be trusted with such estimations and commit myself to start the tasks regardless of whether I will be able to finish it or not to practice the point of simply doing things without entertaining the backchat of 'Its going t take too long' and so not giving myself any space to move into self-sabotage but integrate a pattern of immediate self-movement

I commit myself to investigate those points/tasks which I have labelled as 'take a lot time' in terms of how they fit in my schedule to investigate the emotional energy charges connected to them as that which makes them appear to 'take long' and to remove these emotional layers through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application

When and as I see myself looking at what I have to do next and then check whether I have enough time to do it or not where I look at the task but then secretly in the back of my mind only check how much I like/dislike doing the task at hand -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this method of moving through my day/taks is very ineffective as I am allowing myself to compromise myself and others in not doing certain tasks or postponing them because of my personal energy attachments attached to them and so I commit myself to within that moment of 'sidetracking' inside my mind as measuring my level of resistance to snap myself out of it, bring myself here as my human physical body within and as breath and simply do what it is that needs to be done

When and as I see myself calculating how long a specific task is going to take within 'walking the task' within my mind where I see flashes of the steps and experience a particular energetic charge to each one of the pictures as the steps involved and then instead of looking at 'how long it takes', I only take notice of 'how I feel' in terms of how I react to each one of the steps, where the harder I reacted, I will translate it into 'takes so long' and within that sabotage myself to not do something or postpone it in order to avoid this 'negative experience' and remain in character and so I commit myself to stop calculating and stop going through the steps, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and do what needs to be done and then check how long it took only afterwards to give myself an actual physical reference and not a mind assumption based on energy

When and as I see myself looking at the time and participating within thoughts/backchat in the nature of "there's no time for that" or "maybe later, I won't make it" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time as just another dimension within justifying and excusing self-interested behaviour, where I want to be able to point to an external source as 'time' and 'the clock' so I can say, "but no, look, there is no time! Even the clock says so!" as a way of showing how 'powerless' I am within a given situation, that I don't really have a say in it and that my 'hands are tied', the time decided for me -- it wasn't me making the decision -- and within that completely abdicating self-responsibility and reducing myself to a slave incapable of any form of self-movement or practical common sense decision making based on what is Best for All Life -- and so I commit myself to within those moments stop, and check my starting point in terms of what it is I am trying to achieve within wanting to find out what the time and re-align my starting point and thus behaviour if and when necessary

Related articles

• Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2
• Day 100: Stress Management - Part 3

Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 117: The Power of Thought

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about how long things take to do

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the ideas I have about how long things take and see whether my ideas actually match reality -- where within not checking and cross-referencing my ideas I can allow myself to use my ideas to my advantage as the 'only info' I have to go on within making time-related decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ideas about time 'trustworthy', where if believe that something will take me 'long', that this must be correct based on past experiences with the same task

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am not yet in a position to make decisions on what I can and can't do based on 'how long I think it will take' -- because of how I experience time and it being relative to whatever it is that I do, where whatever I dislike doing always will seem 'so much longer' than those things that I like doing -- where these experience should show me that I am unable to make correct assumptions about time and as such I should not accept and allow myself to make decisions based on how long I *think* something will take -- but to actually do it no matter whether it gets done within the open time-frame and actually check how long it takes so that I can stop manipulating and sabotaging myself with 'ideas'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my time perception is clearly biased by my particular likes and dislikes related to tasks -- where things I do not like doing will be categorised as 'taking a long time', so that whenever I have an opening to do something and see that I require to do something which I do not like, I can tell myself that 'now is not the right time', and get away with not doing what it is that I don't want to do based on a distorted idea of time

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I see something needs to be done and think about how long it will take, that I am not actually looking at how long it will take, but merely measuring/checking my level of resistance towards the task at hand -- where the more I resist it, the longer it will apparently take to get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can calculate how long something will take if I walk the task in my mind, not seeing and realising that time works differently in the mind as the mind jumps around and does not take actual physical points into consideration, but only has thoughts/feelings and emotions as a reference for what I am trying to calculate within my mind -- so that when I imagine myself doing the steps, I see flashes of the steps and experience the level of resistance related to the task which appears the task to be 'loaded' and 'heavy', whereby I connect this experience to 'it takes long'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse time as a guide to structure my day to day activities from the starting point of justifying my actions as the decisions I make to do or not do particular things, where instead of simply doing what needs to be done from the understanding that what needs to be done is best for me and best for all -- I will first analyze each step/task separately and measure my resistance level and then either do it or not on the false premise that 'it takes to much time' or 'I should rather do this, this fits better right now' -- where I misuse time as an external point to validate my self-dishonesty within knowing that I make decisions based on likes/dislikes and not based on common sense practical care -- where I use time to coverup my actions in order to have a reason to not have to have a look and investigate application

Related articles

• Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2
• Day 205 - Me against myself in Rebirthing myself as Life.
• Day 105: Human Liberties
• Day 15 - The Game of Recognition
• Day 73: What do I feel like doing?
• Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

Day 62: There Must Be Something Wrong!

I’ve noticed that whenever I come across a point as an event which I know is going to happen, but that I do not want to happen because I have resistance towards it – I will go and torture myself with this point in anticipation until it is over.

I had this mostly during my time in school – I’ve only noticed this pattern once in a while since I’ve moved to the farm.

At school this mostly had to do with performance projects like talking about a subject in front of a whole bunch of people – I really did not like that. I would then from the moment that I would get knowledge of the point, go into a ‘down’/’burdened’ state and just in general feel like blah. If the point was only due to take place within a week, I would for every day of that week feel all “blah”, with increasing intensity as the event/point would get closer.

In the mornings I would wake up, and feel fine like – aah, there my eyes open, it’s a new day, it’s so nice and comfy in my bed and the soft sheets, it’s so nice to wake up like this…. (I wouldn’t actually *think’ this stuff, it’s more the general sensation that would go through me while opening my eyes and stretching out in bed) – and then I would stop for a moment and go (the next part I would think): “This is not right, something’s out of place – why am I feeling fine?” And then I’d quickly scan through my memory as to what is supposed be wrong with my morning and how I am experiencing myself and then I’d hit the points like “Oh right, that project thing is happening tomorrow, and then there’s that other thing I have to do” and then BAM my ‘down’/’burdened’ energy mode kicks in, locks me in – and just like that in a split second my entire mood changes from being fine, embracing a new day to feeling heavy/depressed , not wanting to get out of bed and wondering why my life sucks so much – and then that energy/moods pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the day. And everyday I will do the same thing where every new morning getting closer to the point, it will get more ‘intense’ – until I am passed the point.

So a day or two ago, this pattern showed its face again and I saw how I was fucking up my whole day with just this one thought in the morning. This is not cool so within the next blog(s) I will be walking this point in Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Actions.

Related articles

• Day 62: Anxiety Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 78: Blame Character
• Day 94: Morality Character
• Day 119: Suppression Character
• Day 61: Self-Disappointment