Day 238: Avoiding Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a Fool for having had and wanting to Trust Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as dangerous and reckless to drop the ways of the System and to rather embrace the ways of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trusting Life, the moment, here -- perceiving and believing that it is naive and gullible and a sure way to destroy myself and others around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is not safe to Trust Life and that I have to use walls of knowledge and information to protect and defend me -- where I am constantly in a state of control and wanting to be ‘on top’ of the situation, not seeing the moment, not trusting the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is all in reverse - that it is not safe to trust the mind in its limited ways and that it is safe to trust life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of trusting myself as life, as process


---


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected trusting myself, trusting life with causing pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become scared of taking responsibility for myself and others because I have connected it to certain events where I was blamed for someone's pain and suffering and allowed it to crush me, allowed it to create pain and suffering within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility, to trust myself, to stand with and as myself because I perceive and believe that 'I am not the right person', 'please don't ask me to stand' - 'I am going to fuck up and create pain and suffering for me and for others'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as my point of responsibility, of trust - believing and perceiving that it will only create disappointment for myself and others, so please don't ask anything of me, don't ask me to be or do more - it will only create more suffering, it is better if I take myself out of the equation and save everyone a lot of pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cringe at the sight of 'being more' of 'doing more' - believing and perceiving that I am doomed and rotten to the core, that when others ask me for assistance or support, hold within me 'you don't know who you are dealing with, I am not who you think I am - don't ask me to support because it will only create more pain and suffering'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten who I am - where all that exists and remains is the pain and hurt of having 'fucked up' where I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to one / a few events that I have defined as a 'fuck up' as a 'failure' and as a disappointment to myself and others - holding on to this 'bad' while forgetting and disregarding any good I created and contributed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the constant fear and anticipation that I am going to be blindsided again and have a shitstorm pour over me, that it is inevitable and just 'waiting to happen' - where I perceive and believe I can't trust 'any good' within myself or others, that is bound to get smashed in my face and that I will feel stupid and foolish for having put any trust and faith in myself and others

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the worst of myself and others, of the world - as a way to protect myself from any hurt and pain, as a way to avoid disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by holding my eye, my focus and attention steady on the worst, on all that is going wrong and can go wrong - that is what I am nurturing and maintaining within myself and within the world - in essence creating that which I fear, that which I dislike - and only seeing that of myself and others which confirms my starting point 'as the worst' - and so I am constantly trapped and experience only the worst of me, as a constant inner hell and do not allow myself to experience anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the statement that 'you don't know who I really am' as the worst of me - feeling convinced that is the 'the truth', the 'reality' - not considering that I am so consumed by one or a few experiences - that it is actually I, who does not know who I am and I am not allowing myself to find out who I really am and who I could be - because I have already condemned myself to the worst

Day 231: The Disempowerment of Hope – What are you Waiting for?

For a while now I have been going through all the various recordings Bernard has made throughout the years in order to sort through the content and compile them into books by topic. The History of Desteni – Volume 1 being the first such publication. While going through the interviews and deciding how to sort them, I often come across interviews that ‘hit me home’ in terms of a particular point or dimension I am walking and investigating for myself.

This time, it was a discussion on the word: Hope.

It was particularly timely as I had also listened to the latest Life Reviews Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life Part 1 and Part 2. If you haven’t listened to them, I strongly suggest you do so as it gives extra angle/perspective into the particular topic of this blog. (If you don’t have them, leave a comment along with your e-mail address and I might gift it to you ;-) )

Hope – for many a word with a very positive connotation. The little light that shines at the darkest hour. In recent days, maybe even weeks, I have been looking at my relationship with Hope and in how many ways and forms I participate in hope – without necessarily being aware that it constitutes as hope. 

At first, I was using hope as a way to move myself. 

That things may not be as bad as they look.

That anything could happen at any time that would turn things around 180 degrees.

That maybe something exciting will happen during my day that I may not know of – and it’s just waiting to happen, so I better get out of bed!

It worked for a while, I got myself moving, dived into projects, enthused that great things would be coming my way.

But then – my schedule would fall in the water (which is kind of a chronic condition when you have a toddler) or things beyond my control would freeze my efforts. Or I worked really hard on something and the results were naught. The next day – I was experiencing what I dub a ‘Hope Hangover’.

I didn’t quite understand my experience. I had been ‘so full of energy’ (well, that should have already made some bells ring *oops*) the day before and I had ‘such a positive outlook’ – why was I feeling so low and exhausted today? On a purely physical level – there was nothing that could explain my drained experience. I hadn’t been overexerting myself, Cesar managed to not use me as a mattress for most of the night resulting in a pretty good night’s sleep – everything was working out quite okay in my reality – so why this crash?

I didn’t figure it out until later that night, when I slowed down in bed before sleeping and went over the last few days in microscopic detail. I hadn’t realised how much I had been participating in hope because I hadn’t actually used the word ‘hope’ in any of my thoughts. I hadn’t even been participating in verbal thoughts all that much. And then I realised how many small positive movements occurred within me throughout the days. Where I may be thinking of something, and simply because the particular object of my thoughts has a positive energy charge attached to it – I’m actually going into an experience of Hope.

Or maybe I am scrolling through Instagram, and a particular picture triggers a slight positive reaction inside myself – so slight, so undefined – it’s a pretty picture, of course I should admire it, right? Getting excited about a project idea that’s come to mind. Seems innocent enough right? A slight positive experience as I start working through my to-do list. Well, I should be positively moved – I am being all productive and shit, right? This is how successful people get things done! Yeah, role model stuff happening right here.

Right?

Or maybe not.

Maybe all that positivity is just there to cloak what’s really going on inside: fear, powerlessness and most of all =  a lack of self-trust.

The hope that – maybe if I was living that person’s life things would be easier for me.
Why?
Because I don’t trust that I can change despite what environment I am in

The hope that if I work on this project we can bring more people into the Desteni group.
Why?
Because I fear that people don’t move themselves to investigate things unless they are prompted to, as I don’t trust that I can move myself out of my own self-will.

The hope that if I keep myself busy and diligently work through my to do list that people will be inspired.
Why?
Because I haven’t established the trust to be passionate myself through sheer common sense and understanding. That's why I move from fear instead of understanding.

Now, I’m not saying one shouldn’t like things on Instagram, not come up with any ideas/new projects or not work through your to-do list. The point I am making is that our starting point in how and why we engage in our reality determines how we will experience ourselves and move ourselves.

What if I am ever forever stuck in the living conditions I have now? What if things don’t get better, but worse? Will it change who I am? Will it change what I stand for? Does it mean I will give up on pushing for a better world for all, equally?

What if people don’t come and join Desteni, and we remain a relatively small group – or get disintegrated all together? Does it change anything for who I am and what I stand for? Will I turn my back and submit that the world is ‘just the way it is’?

What if doing my best and getting as many things done as possible does not reap any results? Will I regret how I spent my time? Will I wish that I could have ‘not wasted my time’? Or will I stand by who I am and what I do – unconditionally – regardless of the outcome?

These are small examples of ways where can still be stuck in the Design of Hope. Where we focus on our external reality to (magically) change or suddenly support us – while on a deep level not being there for ourselves.

What are we waiting for?

Are we waiting for things to get better, before we will diligently stop our thoughts and emotions and live in every breath? Or do we move ourselves in every breath because we have proven to ourselves that the old way, the way of the mind for sure does not reap the best benefits for everyone in this world, equally?

Are we waiting for someone else to stand up, to prove that stopping your mind and moving your trust and faith in Life makes things better for everyone in the world including yourself, in fact? Or are we going to be that person for ourselves, because the proof has been in our face countless times – and we have just that mustard seed of self-honour to stop torturing ourselves?

Are we going to wait for Desteni to become more financially successful because money has been deemed to be the ultimate sign and beacon of truth, success and validity in this world (which is a highly dubious conviction in itself)? Or are we going to move ourselves unconditionally because in our being we know that what has become of this world and ourselves is disgraceful and have decided: No More!

The more we hope for circumstances to change ‘for the better’ the more we confirm the belief that ‘I cannot do it’ , ‘I’m incapable’.
And that's why I had a 'Hope Hangover'. Because all my movements had been conditional, to achieve something, to appease something. And when those conditions weren't met -- down, down the rabbit hole you go.

Investigate all the various ways you are still participating in Hope and show to yourself how Abandoning All Hope – to make the decision to develop Trust in Yourself – can be the most empowering move you can make.

Here’s a video by Matti which he made closely after Bernard discussed the word ‘Hope’ :

And here are some blogs I wrote around the same time linking in to this, when I went through tickbite fever:

http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-35-reversing-trust.html

http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-36-self-as-creator.html

Day 228: How We Worship False Images & are Self-Blasphemous

I was investigating a pattern of Self-Compromise within myself where I went back to childhood memories to trace the origin of this pattern and what motivated me to take on this pattern within my life and acting it out.

As I was walking a mini-Mind Construct* on this point, I could see how and why I had allowed Self-Compromise to become such a big part of my life. While I currently experience Self-Compromise to be a ‘very big part of me’, I could see while walking my Mind Construct, that this hadn’t always been so.

I could identify the specific moment in childhood where I had made a particular decision about a direction I would take in my life / a particular ‘role’ or ‘purpose’ that I had assigned to myself which had Self-Compromise has a direct outflow/consequence.

This role/purpose that I had assigned to myself, had been made in separation of myself – where I was aspiring to embody a particular idea/image.

I could see within opening up the point further in my Mind Construct, that in every moment of participating in this role and giving into Self-Compromise, how I was feeding and growing this construct/idea – where initially I as a child had been aware of the decision I had made, and was aware that this ‘is not me’ – to over time continuously participating in the point to where it superseded the ‘real me’ and where I kind of started to forget about this decision that I had made in the past to participate in this construct, and where as time progressed even more, and my ‘real me’ had now been effectively completely suppressed by this construct and others that I had taken on on the way – I now believed that this ‘idea’/’role’ I took on *was me*, and that this was in fact the ‘only real me’ and only ever was and will be ‘the real me’.

As I was applying my Self Forgiveness on this point, it struck me how I throughout my life had actively lived out the point of ‘Worshipping a False Image’ and ‘Serving a False God’ ( because after all, if we are made in the image and likeness of “God”, it means that ‘we are’ “God”). Where I actively served a false image/idea of myself, believing it to be ‘the real deal’ and within doing so, not serving myself as Life, but serving myself as the Mind. This would be: Self-Blasphemy, as we are insulting ourselves and treating ourselves with a great deal of lack of respect within pursuing and maintaining our ‘false images’.

So this was quite cool to see, once again, how we create our limitations and believe ourselves to be all these ideas and images that when you get to the core of it = are actually not. And how within seeing/revealing this creation process for yourself, the simplicity of the realization that you do not have to live-out this particular point or pattern, because you can see/realise that you were never ‘it’ in the first place = is just awesome.

* A Mind-Construct is a specific structured method of Self-Investigation taught within SRA as part of the Desteni I Process

Day 224: Bernard

Written on 13/08/2013

Shortly after I had received the news that Bernard had passed away and had a moment for myself -- I said his name:

Bernard

I wanted to look at what would come up -- what Bernard had meant for me -- and all I got was an impression of vastness - a vastness that went into all directions, a vastness that never stopped.

There were no words, no pictures, no memories, no feelings that could describe or capture what Bernard had meant for me, what Bernard meant for this world.

Even now as I try to dig up memories, try to dig up anything at all -- there is nothing. It is as if our minds are just too damn limited to even in any way record what Bernard was and stood for -- as Bernard was not something which could just be reduced to some memories or pictures -- Bernard was way beyond that.

When I look back at specific events -- it was not so much what we were doing or how he was doing / saying things that stuck with me, but his ever stable and unwavering presence. Bernard had a way of Earthing you, bringing you Here.

I was never quite comfortable around Bernard. In general, I have never been much comfortable around people. When meeting new people I would be reserved, first wanting to see what another person's "ammo" was before engaging with them, so that I could be 'prepared' and modify my behaviour as to minimize any conflict -- and only when I had properly gauged the other person and had established for myself how to 'behave' around them -- the discomfort would fade away.

This never happened with Bernard. There was no 'gauging' Bernard, of establishing a pattern, no way of determining the 'rules' he lived by. Bernard did not live by any rules -- he was Bernard and he was simply here. He was solid as a rock as the Principles he stood by and lived in every moment -- yet fluid like water, being able to adapt and change as the moment saw fit. He was consistent in his message yet unpredictable in his expression. Bernard was not limited by moods or things happening around him to determine who he was going to be, he was here as everything and could become any expression at any time -- purely self-willed. He could be the sweetest, gentlest man -- making me burst out in tears as I did not know such gentleness could exist. He could also be the thunder and lightning rocking your foundation -- making you question your entire beingness.

Bernard showed us what was possible if we let go of our accepted and allowed limitations as what we consider it to be, 'to be human' -- and within that he was more than 'just a man'. And at the same time he showed what 'just a man' can do, as he still lived by the same "laws of physics" that we all have to abide to. He still had to eat, drink, shit, sleep. He still only had 24 hours in a day like the rest of us -- and yet he has been able to accomplish what no-one has ever done before, he accomplished the 'extra-ordinary' -- but of course, that is only because we within ourselves had settled for the ordinary.

There will probably be more things coming up as the day(s) go by as all the things I have learnt from Bernard -- from interacting with him online and having lived with him for the past 5+ years. Everything I am and the life I currently live I have him to thank for -- and for that I am eternally grateful.

Thank you Bernard.

Related articles

• Day 450: The Power of Now Illuminated
• Day 223: Words and the Hidden Battle of Energies
• Day 458: Facts and Feelings: How to Stop and Prevent Brainwashing
• Day 460: Transhumanism: the Rise of the Machine - Part 1
• Day 452: The Depression Scam
• Day 464: Looking for Purpose
• Day 465: The Desteni Threat