Day 183: Anorexia – Lifestyle or Disease?

When I was browsing through the internet on Eating Disorder related websites, the topic of ‘Lifestyle or Disease’ would always pop up over and over again.

On the one side you have the people who believe they are suffering from a disease and require to be cured – and that this disease is involuntary.

On the other side you have people who believe that they are following a lifestyle which should be respected by others and that you have a choice to participate within Eating Disorders or not.

The first group is considered to be ‘authentic’ within having a mental disorder, while the second group is considered by the first group to be ‘wannabes’.

The thing is that they’re both right and they’re both wrong.

Is anorexia or any other Eating Disorder really a ‘disease’? And is it really ‘involuntary’ like ‘catching the flu’ and having ‘eating disorder genes’? It’s a nice side to take because if you’re ‘sick’ and you’re ‘suffering’ and you didn’t have ‘any choice’ within it – then you are left in a position of zero responsibility because ‘you had nothing to do with it’. I find that to be unacceptable with regards to Eating Disorders or even other mental disorders like ‘Depression’ which are portrayed to be ‘diseases’. These mental disorders don’t just manifest overnight. Things like anorexia, bulimia and depression are manifestations which develop through time. You have to actively think about your body in a particular way, you have to actively take comments personal, you have to actively compare yourself to others, you have to actively, obsessively go through fashion magazines while being hypnotised by the ‘thinness’ you perceive, you have to actively put yourself in front of a mirror and remind yourself why you are not good enough, you have to actively not eat and hide your eating patterns, you have to actively put your finger down your throat and puke. There’s no ‘disease’ making you do those things: it’s all you!

Now, people don’t want to hear this because they immediately take it personal and believe that there is something wrong with them and that it makes them ‘look bad’ – because obviously they and everyone knows that this type of behaviour is quite disturbing. So if the behaviour is ‘out of your control’ you can wash your hands clean and just kind of shrug your shoulders at it. The problem with saying that you have a ‘disease’ and that it’s ‘involuntary’ is that you are placing the Eating Disorder separate from yourself, where it’s some sort of ‘Alien invader’ where you have no say. How are you supposed to cure/recover from that? You can’t, because you only have the ability to bring about change within yourself, you only have the power to change you. So if you see your eating disorder behaviour as ‘not you’, then all you can do is stare at it and be completely powerless – you’re placing yourself in victimization mode. On the other hand, if you realise and acknowledge that you are the one acting out this Eating Disorder and bringing it ‘to life’ – where you are the one driving it = you have the power to change it, because you know it’s you. You might not like it because it means that all these disturbing behaviours are indeed coming from you and your decisions and choices to participate within non-supportive thought patterns and actions – but at least you are then placing yourself in a position of self-responsibility and can actually make a difference within your Life.

This does not mean that I agree that ‘anorexia is a lifestyle’ – because obviously, there is a missing link between ‘Starving Yourself’ on the one side, and ‘Life’ on the other side. It’s more of a ‘abusing myself style’ than anything else and should in no way whatsoever be ‘respected’ or ‘recognized’ as a ‘formal lifestyle’ as ‘one of the many ways one can choose to live their life’. Eating disorders are harmful and damaging and you’re basically squeezing the Life out of yourself for the sake of your appearance matching some picture presentation. There’s nothing ‘Life’ about that, you might as well be a plastic doll or an image in a magazine. Though what people from this side do get, is the point that you are the creator and maintainer of your Eating Disorder and so it will be easier for them to stop – but of course only if they want to. Obviously if you see starving yourself as a lifestyle then there’s some serious mental disorder existent within you and as such you might not want to give this up at all as a result of that.

So No, Anorexia is not a Disease and No Anorexia is not a Lifestyle.

It is what it is = it’s mental disorder. And not in the sense of a ‘disease ’ or ‘condition’ of which you are the victim. It’s a mental disorder because you’re actively disordering yourself, and a long with it your body as well (and your body is really the real victim here). Anorexia or any other eating disorder can only exist as long as you fuel/participate within it. You have to in every moment decide whether you are going to act upon the thought that ‘you’re so fat and shouldn’t eat’.

Sure, there may have been events and circumstances which would make someone participate within an Eating Disorder more likely – but in the end it’s still up to self whether you make that decision to harm yourself this way or not.

The whole Pro-Anna (or ‘wannabes’) movement is merely an extreme form of what Eating Disorders actually stand for. They’re direct and straightforward about what they’re doing and how they’re doing it – and are only able to do this due to the vast level of acceptance and value that has been placed on one’s appearance over one’s physical well-being. I mean, is it a coincidence that with the advent of mass-media where we are bombarded with images from billboards, magazines, tv, internet over the last decade – that there has been an 80% rise in Anorexia cases? And where children are being diagnosed with eating disorders from an earlier and earlier age? I mean, there’s FIVE YEAR OLDS that have eating disorders! This is not normal, this is the direct result of our society’s values falling further and further away from valuing life and actual well-being over appearances and fake happiness. Our world is becoming more and more superficial and our bodies are the one’s suffering just like the Earth is suffering more and more under our unhealthy ideologies which do not promote actual well-being.

Check out the Desteni I Process Lite – a free course – to assist and support yourself in getting to know yourself and your mental disorders and assist yourself to a sound mind.

Check out the Equal Money Website as an alternative economic system that actually values Life and actual well-being over unsustainable economic growth.

Related articles

• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• The Internal War Of Anorexia - Day 296
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.

I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.

Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.

Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.

But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.

All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.

I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.

So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.

No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.

Related articles

• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 278: Binge, Bulimia and Desteni
• Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
• Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 41: What if I become Useless?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into the fear of ‘what if I become useless’ within being sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming useless as a consequence of disease/sickness – whereby I can no longer function the way I used to and be less functional/productive within my contribution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being less productive/functional within contributing to this world in terms of ‘work’ and ‘labour’ within being sick – as I fear that if I am unable to be productive that I will be rejected/spat out now that all my usefulness as a productive unit has been diminished to zero and be left to fend for myself ‘outside of the system’ with no support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected ‘being sick’ to ‘not being able to contribute in productive terms’ and connected ‘not being able to contribute in productive terms’ to ‘useless’ and ‘uselessness’ to inevitable rejection

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how this fear gets perpetuated through our established economic system where one has to ‘earn’ their living where one can only ‘earn’ their living through contributing in terms of ‘labour’ or ‘work’ – where if one is unable to contribute due to physical limitations or levels of lack of job positions one is screwed as the system will not support someone who does not support the money system – and where there are always some definitively screwed as the system does not allow for 100% level of employment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have bought into the fear of ‘what if I become useless, I will be rejected by the system’ where I will make sure that I can remain productive from the starting point of fear – without for a moment going ‘Hey wait a minute, this design of our system is completely fucked up and needs to be changed’ and within that commit myself to changing the system instead of simply allowing myself to be driven by fear and not come up with an actual solution, where I will attempt to make sure that ‘I am alright’ while I know that this is not possible for everyone due to our acceptance and allowance of the current established system of inequality

When and as I see myself going into the fear of ‘oh shit, what if I become useless within being sick’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting within a survival based program designed to do whatever it takes to ‘keep my spot in the system’ where my own fear of survival will withhold me from questioning the system – where I will rather try and ‘keep up’ with the system as an irrational fear based response rather then seeing/realising that our system is fucked up and taking it up on myself to change the system so no-one has to live in fear of their own survival. Within that I let go of my connection/association of ‘being sick’ to ‘not being able to contribute as a productive unit’ and the connection between ‘not being able to contribute as a productive unit’ to ‘ultimate rejection’ – as I see and realise that such automated chain-fear-response is what keeps me in place as a Money Producing Character in this world who will never question the system because she’s too busy worrying/fearing about her own survival. And within this letting go of these associations/connections I allow myself to see the situation for what it is as the design of a dysfunctional system which is not Best for All and as such requires to be Changed

I commit myself to show that our current system does not support all Life Unconditionally, and that our system only values Life in so far that it can be used within the Money Creation/Accumulation Process where one will be spat out by the system if one’s ‘factors of production’ are depleted – as a used battery being thrown away – where our current economic system support and perpetuates fear of survival in order to keep everyone too busy in their minds worrying about themselves so that they will miss the bigger picture and not consider everyone equally – as one might be able to survive and experience ‘relief’ within having escaped the clutches of survival without support – while being completely oblivious to those who weren’t as fortunate

As such I commit myself to the establishment of a World Economic System of Support where Life is supported unconditionally for the sake of Life and where no-one has to fear for their survival in the case of temporary or permanent physical dysfunction which may limit one’s productive abilities – as this system as the Equal Money System does not place one in a position of dependency in relation to one’s “factors of production” but cares about what is Best for All and Loving thy neighbour as thyself and so no man will be left behind

Related articles

• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 56: Measuring the Performance of the Economy - Part 2
• Day 47: The Economic Problem - Part 2
• The Soul of Fear: Day 35
• Life Review – Killed by my Own Fear
• The Relationship between ‘Fear of Death’ and ‘Money’

Day 39: What if something’s Wrong with Me?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when noticing that my body is showing me signs of possible illness, go “Oh No! What if something’s wrong with me” inside myself – within the starting point of fear as fear of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when noticing my body showing signs of illness, freak out and within my head look at all the possible disease/illnesses I may have as all the various different illnesses/diseases I know about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing that I might be sick, immediately connect and jump from ‘being sick’ to ‘DEATH’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge as emotion as fear to the point of ‘illness’ – whereby I will go and immediately expect the worst

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea about what it means to be ‘sick’ where I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an association with the word ‘sickness’ and ‘something’s wrong with me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing my body showing me that it is busy working through something, go into fear of ‘What if something’s wrong with me’ – and within that moment/thought statement place myself in a position of separation towards myself as the physical – within and as the belief that “if something’s wrong with my body I am fucked because I have no influence/reach there”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unable to ‘fix’ my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my body slowly deteriorating in pain without me being able to do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of seeing that my body is working through something, go “I must find out what this is” within a starting point of fear – where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can put a label/name on what it is that is going on – that I will somehow have a better “grip” on things / have some form of “control”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that “finding out what it is” as back chat is in fact a statement of separation, as I not for one moment considered to slow down and breathe, be here as my human physical body and see what’s going in – but instead will go to external sources such as internet/books to find ‘clues’ on what it is that is going on inside my body and within reading symptoms/possible disease – go into more fears as ‘What if it’s this?’, ‘What if it’s that one?’, ‘OH no, not that one please, that one’s lethal!!’ – lol – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up within a rollercoaster ride of fear and accumulate more fear within wanting to ‘find out’ what I have to gain a sense of control – instead of seeing and realising that ‘what I have’ is right here as myself – and that I can simply observe myself and how my body moves within working through whatever it is working through – and that if the signals do not subside by themselves within a relative short period of time, I can direct myself towards a doctor and ask for additional support while my body requires it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that being in fear in relation to the possibility of being sick does not serve me – as all I am doing is giving and sending my body signals that ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ – whereby my body will start to adapt this signal as ‘status quo’ and move/change itself to match the signal of ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ – and so through my fear as thoughts, make myself sick and compromise my body

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the best thing I can do for my body when seeing / noticing that it is working through something – is to be here unconditionally within and as Breath within self-awareness as my human physical body – because when I am here as Breath, I am best up to date on my body’s process and how it is dealing with the particular point, and at the same time, through not being occupied within my mind – allow my body the space and time to process, as it is not being bombarded and distracted by thoughts as fear


When and as I see myself going “Oh no! What if something’s wrong with me” within seeing that my body is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that participating in fear creates only more fear and keeps me from practically being here, as my human physical body – as within entertaining myself with thought and fear I enter an alternate dimension within my mind which has no relation to what it is that my human physical body is experiencing – and as such I can completely dismiss/disregard any of the thought/emotion information as it is unreliable
Within that I commit myself to be here for myself as my human physical body and to net get carried away by fear upon seeing that my body may possibly be sick

When and as I see myself racing inside my head as all the thoughts of ‘what possible diseases I could have’ and accumulate more fear in relation to what my body is showing me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that racing inside my head and accumulating fear is in no way whatsoever supporting my body within working through whatever it is working through
And so I commit myself to be Here within and as Breath when I see that I am entering a fear state – as I see and realise that the only way I can be of assistance of myself is if I am here as my human physical body and assist where I can

When and as I see myself jumping from one point to another as ‘sickness’ to ‘death’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I as my mind is going into overdrive where I am scaring myself to death and accumulate a self-fulfilling prophecy – as within being in fear I am not allowing myself to be here and make common sense decisions – and so within being in fear put my life at risk and as such participating in ‘fear’ is a very reckless thing to do and doesn’t assist self in any way whatsoever in relation to the point which is being faced
Within that I commit myself to investigate the fears and apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to release myself from these connections

When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge as ‘fear’ in relation to seeing my body giving signs that it is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that any emotion/feeling/though about seeing what my body is doing is ‘making it something more than it is’ – and is in fact a form of hallucination wherein I am no longer able to trust myself as I am distorting the situation through my fears/beliefs/thoughts into something which it is not – and as such I cannot be trusted to make decision as I have biased myself
Within that I commit myself to identify all the biases I have created about seeing my body work through something so I can develop a relationship of self-trust and be in touch with Reality instead of a self-made Illusion up in my head

When and as I see myself going into thoughts such as “What if something’s wrong with me” within seeing my body work through things – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point speculating about what is going on inside me, and that all I can do is be Here as my Physical Body so I am in the best position to be aware of ‘what is going on’ and whether or not I require to take any action at any point
Within that I commit myself to be Here as Breath as the only point where I can be the directive principle

When and as I see myself entertaining myself with the belief that ‘I am powerless in the face of my body’ -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I AM my BODY and as such I cannot be powerless – we’ve just never been taught and assisted into realising that we are our bodies and so have been taught the practical skills with which one can assist and support self as the body as all the attention has always been on the Mind only
Within that I commit myself to be Here within and as Breath as my Human Physical Body and develop an actual relationship with and as my human physical body for the first time and find out what it means to be here in this Physical Reality for Real

When and as I see myself thinking “I must find out what this is” within an energetic charge of fear in relation to seeing that my body is working through something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to find out what is going on inside my body is not from a starting point of self-assistance and self-support in relation to myself as my body – but from the starting point of ‘easing my mind’ and as such there was not one iota of real consideration involved in relation to the well being of my human physical body – and so, within those moments, I stop myself, breathe – be here as my human physical body and re-asses the situation and commit myself to put my body FIRST through being HERE

When and as I see myself thinking ‘SOMETHING’s WRONG’ within an emotional charge of fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am in fact creating my fear through telling my body that something is wrong and within that actually ask my body to sabotage itself and align itself to the message I am sending – and within that I commit myself to investigate the nature of the signals I send to my body within being in the Mind and to stop all messages which are not Best for All (which is any message coming from the mind) and thus commit myself to be Here as my Human Physical Body as Real Attention and Actual Care as the Best Message I can send to my body as myself

Related articles

• Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?
• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 36: Self as Creator
• Interdimensional-Physical Relationships - Part 2: DAY 132
• Character Time Resonance Dimensions - Part 2: DAY 128

Day 37: What’s Happening to Me?!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was sick, set myself up as the ‘observer’ within my body – where I experienced myself as merely ‘observing’ all these things ‘happening to me’ within my body – without for a moment stopping and realising that I am my body and so things can’t just happen ‘to me’ without me being part of its creation/development and direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would experience things moving / have pain within my body – have gone into a mode of ‘Waaaooaah, what’s happening to me!?’ and just sit there being startled without for a moment seeing / realising that I am my body and that I can, as my body simply check what’s going on and assist myself as my body in moving / re-aligning myself to a point of optimum functioning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from my human physical body to such an extent, where I will ‘look’ at what it is that I am experiencing from an ‘outsider’ point of view- and for instance ‘look at my tummy’ when it is sore/nauseous, as if it is something ‘out there’ – without seeing / realising that I AM my tummy – and so there’s no point to just ‘sit there’ and ‘look’ at what is going on as a statement of separation, but instead realise that I am my tummy and I am the experience of pain/nausea – and so I can direct myself as my tummy as the nausea/pain Equal and One and correct / assist myself in moving through whatever is going on within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was sick and feeling unwell, have ‘stepped back’ into and has my mind’s chambers where I would just ‘sit’ there and ‘wait’ for my body and the medicine to do whatever – where I completely separated myself from the disease, the medicine and my body within the belief that ‘I am a victim’, ‘I am powerless’, ‘I am weak’, ‘I can’t do anything but wait it out’ – without seeing and realising that I am in fact my body, the disease and the medicine and can thus direct all these points as myself Equal and One

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the habit of whenever I would experience something such as illness, pain, nausea – have gone into a reactive mode of ‘Woah, what’s happening to me??!!’ – where I immediately would go into fear of not understanding what is going on and freak out / cry /worry – without seeing and realising that I can only experience things as ‘happening to me’ and ‘not understanding what’s happening to me’ when I am in a complete state of separation in relation to my body – where I merely take in a little compartment in my mind, being completely oblivious to my human physical body, its processes and how it functions – so that when I am in pain or something is ‘off’ – I go into complete fear/anxiety/stress because I am suddenly reminded of this ‘human body’ I have, and freak out because I’ve never allowed myself to get to know myself as my human physical body within the belief that who I am is limited to my mind – and so I am confused and distressed as I don’t know what to do with this experience as I haven’t considered that I am my body and can thus I can simply be here as my body and check out what’s happening and accordingly assist and support myself in re-aligning my body to well-functioning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would experience things such as pain/nausea/disease go into a state of panic and distress as I believe that ‘I do not know what’s going on’ and ‘I don’t know what to do about this’ – and then within this fear reach out to other people such as my parents/teachers, where I will go to them and ask for feedback on what’s happening to me – wherein they also react into fear and distress as they don’t know what to do either– and where they will go and get me to a doctor to tell us ‘what is going on’ because we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves from our bodies to such an extent that we believe that we can’t tell ‘what’s going on’ and that we need someone who’s learnt about the human body from books to tell us what is going on and give us medicine to “fix us” where the medicine will take care of the symptoms so that we do not have to experience pain/nausea/sickness and get back to a point where we can once again be completely unaware of our bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel physically unwell, trust doctors and other so called ‘medical authorities’ to tell me what is wrong and tell me what to do – without seeing and realising that these people know as much as I do – because they too have separated themselves from their bodies as they have gone and studied the body ‘from books’ and never investigated / studied their own bodies from the starting point that they are their bodies and can thus see / realise / understand how the body works and functions from this Equal and One starting point – but since they, just as me, have separated themselves from their bodies – they only have limited knowledge on how the body works and this knowledge can only ever be within the form of ‘interpretation’ as all studies done in relation to the body have always been done from the starting point of separation and observation - and never from a starting point of Physical Oneness and Equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied with the way we currently treat our bodies within the context of disease – where I will feel unwell and go to a doctor who then gives a label to what it is that I am experiencing and gives me some medicine to feel well once again – without ever finding out how the dis-ease was created in the first place and what I can do about it so that it doesn’t happen again and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about my wellbeing as the mind as happiness wherein I do not want this physical body of mine to be in pain / be unwell because then I am not able to be peaceful in my mind as my body is constantly reminding me that something is wrong and that it requires attention but I don’t want to look at it, as all I want to do is be happy and so I will do whatever it takes to make myself feel ‘normal’ again so I can continue to live in my mind undisturbed and uninterrupted by my body’s existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see disease / pain / nausea as a disturbance and just ‘want to get rid of it’ – instead of seeing / realising / understanding that my body is trying to give me a message going “HEEEELLLOOOOOOOOOO, anyone there??? Something’s up in your boooodyyy! Better check it ooooout” – but where I’ll just want to go SHHHT!! Because now I feel unwell and I can’t focus on the things I want to focus on as the things that apparently ‘matter’ in life as Mind Entertainment, where I can no longer entertain myself undisturbed within my mind as thoughts/fantasies/back chat because there’s this body nagging me which is constantly drawing attention away from my mind to the body and I want to be in my mind not my body and so I’ll go and look for a ‘quick fix’ as meds and painkillers to make the body shut the hell up so I can continue “living my life” – and so just suppress the Human Physical Body into silence, without ever investigating what was causing the discomfort in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my human physical body as a ‘nuisance’ – instead of seeing / realising that it is actually all in reverse and that it is the Mind which is the actual nuisance as I am living in constant fear but will deny this and patch up my fear experience by holding on / looking only at the ‘good things’ in life as hopes and dreams and will not for a moment question my limited reality as the Mind in the belief that it is ‘so much more’ than my human physical body without ever having actually investigated my human physical body and what it means to be here as my human physical body – because if I would have I would not be here protecting and defending my mind as ‘the greatest thing ever’ as it is the one thing keeping me confined in the limited space in my head – while my human body is part of the physical and is everywhere, showing me that the physical is actually superior to the mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see / realise that we are taught from an early age that what’s important is the Mind as the Pursuit of Happiness where we are told it is good to dream and to hope and that we should get out of Life whatever it is we want – without having been taught any consideration for our physical reality and within doing so we’ve manifested a world where beings go and chase their dreams and hopes and believe that they have the right to get out of life whatever it is they want because apparently they are ‘special’ as that is what our parents have told us, and that we ‘deserve the good things in life’ – while in the meantime within not giving attention to the physical reality we’ve manifested a world where half the population lives a life of misery within physical deprivation and we don’t care because we’re special and we have the right to have the ‘good life’ – too bad it didn’t work out for all those poor people suffering and starving but my mommy told me I am special and that I deserve the best, I’m not going to bother giving attention to you and your miserable existence because it makes me feel bad inside and I don’t want to feel bad, I want to feel good so I’m just gonna go ahead and ignore all you people living a life that I wouldn’t want to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind is real and that my body is a nuisance without seeing / realising that without my body I am just a thought, and that at death my body will still be here and return to the Earth while who I am as the Mind will simply be deleted, removed – gone without its exit making any impact on the World because the Mind is not Physical and only the Physical can make an impact within a Physical Reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that a little tick is more powerful than a single thought because it has an actual impact on this physical reality while all my Mind as thoughts can do is ramble about in my head without making any difference to the world at all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that what is of importance is not the mind – but my physical body – as it is through my body that I am here on Earth ‘living my life’ and if it were not for my body I would not be here right now and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my human physical body for granted completely within not seeing / realising that I am completely dependent on my human physical body and its well-functioning for my existence and presence here on Earth – as I can be here on Earth without mind but I cannot be Here on Earth without a body

When and as I see myself going into an ‘observer’ mode upon noticing something being ‘off’ within the context of my human physically body – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am powerless as an observer as I can only observe – and thus I move myself into and as my body as physical awareness and check out what it that is ‘off’ within my body – and accordingly assist and support my body within re-aligning myself as my body to a point of well-functioning

When and as I see myself going into fear as ‘What’s Happening to Me?!’ upon seeing / noticing something being ‘off’ within the context of my human physical body – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fear / distress because I do not understand what is going on and start making assumptions – instead I realise that I am my human physical body and am thus perfectly able to understand what is going if I stand here One and Equal as myself as my human physical body and check what is going on – and within checking what is going on I can direct myself to correct / assist myself within re-aligning myself to get myself as my body to a point of well-functioning

When and as I see myself going into a state of self-victimization in relation to my body as ‘I am weak’, ‘I am powerless’, ‘I am a victim’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the one placing myself into the position of powerlessness/victimization within separating myself from my human physical body and within this separation keep myself from being the self-directive principle – and thus I embrace myself as my human physical body and take self-responsibility for myself and allow myself to unconditionally check out / investigate my human physical body and what it is experiencing and within that assist myself in correcting the point which requires re-alignment

I commit myself to get to know my human physical body for the first time, to spend time with myself as my human physical body to actually find out how I operate as my body, how I experience myself as my body – and within doing so for the first time allow myself to develop an intimate relationship with myself as my human physical body

When and as I see myself wanting to reach for ‘external’ points / sources to tell me what to do / what is going on with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within this I am only further separating myself from my human physical body within wanting someone else to tell me what I am experiencing while I am perfectly able to see / identify what it is what I am experiencing because I am my body and I am my experience – I just haven’t allowed myself to see /realise it

I commit myself to show that we’ve never really ‘understood’ the human physical body and its biological processes/functionings as we’ve only ever studied/observed the human physical body from the starting point of separation as the ‘observers’ – where we’ve never allowed ourselves to develop an intimate relationship with and as ourselves as our human physical bodies – which implies that all information/knowledge available on the human physical body is within the form of interpretation as we’ve never cared to find out first-hand what is real and what is not

When and as I experience physical discomfort and go into a state of ‘What can I do to get rid of this’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this thought is indicating to me that I am not here as breath as my human physical body – but ‘out there’ in my mind not wanting to be disturbed by Reality, only wanting to tend to the physical discomfort so I can go back being interrupted within my Mind Reality – and so I bring myself here within and as Breath, move myself back into and as my body and re-organize my values and priorities as this incident is indicating to me that I am still holding on to the mind over matter – and within that I commit myself to investigate within self-honest self-reflection what it is that I am still holding on to and forgive myself

When and as I see myself making the association that my human physical body is a ‘nuisance’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am being within the Mind within not wanting to tend to my physical body – because if I am here as my body I am no longer in the Mind which me as the Mind does not want because then it doesn’t get fed anymore – and so I commit myself to stick to Breath and do not accept and allow these ‘scare tactics’ of myself as the mind in keeping myself from what is Real as this Physical Reality because that’s the only place where I have power / am empowered – which is something my mind doesn’t want, and so it is really my mind which is the real nuisance and parasite which makes we want to believe that I can’t do without it

When and as I see myself going into a point of distraction of moving myself physically and applying myself in a way which will have a real physical impact within changing our current reality of Abuse to one that is Best for All -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting within self-interest and the belief that ‘I should be able to do what I want’ and ‘I should get the best out of life’ which is an attitude I’ve adopted within childhood as parents teach us that we are special which implies that others are ‘less’ – and so I stop participating within the distraction and remind myself of what is Real and what is of Importance and move myself back into and as my body as a physical statement of what really matters, and within that move myself to apply myself in a way that feeds What is Best for All and All Physical Bodies / Parts of Existence -- instead of only feeding what’s Best for my Limited Ego as the Mind within selfishness

I commit myself to show within my Journey to Life that what matters is this Physical Reality as we can see that what lasts is this Physical Reality, while the Mind can be deleted just like that – and does not contribute in any way to manifesting a World that is Best for All as the Mind only cares about itself at the expense of others

I commit myself to show that the little things we take for granted such as plants, bugs, animals, nature – have more impact on Reality than our Minds and as such we should seriously re-assess our values and beliefs as they based within delusion

I commit myself to tend and take care of myself as my human physical body, to be here within and as breath and for the first time allow myself to feel what it is like to walk, to pick things up, to write, to type, to eat, to drink – as I’ve only ever done all these physical actions from an automated mind perspective – and within that I am grateful to the tick to show me that I have never been here as my body and commit myself to use this opportunity of physical recovery to adjust myself and my behaviour within the Physical to one that is Real

I commit myself to be a student of Life through listening to the EQAFE interviews and reading the Blogs / material published by Desteni such as Heaven’s Journey to Life, Creation’s Journey to Life and Earth’s Journey to Life – as they in detail explain the processes of the Mind and Body and so assist myself within understanding myself and my Mind / Body processes so I can re-align myself from a Limited Mind Reality to a Shared Physical Existence and change my Self-Interested nature to one that cares about Other’s as Self and cares to manifest a World which is Best for All – as I understand that I do not yet have all the tools/information within walking my Process and require others to assist me in seeing / realising the extent of Self-Deception I’ve accepted and allowed myself to Be and Live as

Related articles

• Day 36: Self as Creator
• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• How Thoughts Activate Personalities - Part 2: DAY 124
• From Energy Experience to Energy to Substance/Physicality
• The Mind as the Reverse of the Physical
• Oh no - my eye! - Fear of Loss