Day 240: The Non-Believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘work’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘burden’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a burden out of everything in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything and everyone as out to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone pushing through resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself to such an extent that even the most basic things like feeding myself have become a burden 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind 'I have time', behind 'I don't have to do this right now', behind 'choice' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time things will get easier' that 'time heals all wounds' - not seeing and realizing that it is in reverse, that wounds fester and grow deeper roots 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for things to 'come together' on their own accord

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have taken Bernard's words to heart, for real - but instead stored them as knowledge and information in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time it will be easier to live and apply his words' with the hidden notion that 'maybe I don't have to live and apply them, maybe there's a way out' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wasted my time and continue to waste my time 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to save me from myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have twisted the words 'believing in myself' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as hoping and waiting for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'believing in myself' as 'taking a backseat' within myself, that I don't have to be aware, that I don't have to be in breath 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as passive hope, waiting and hoping for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow exempt from reality and consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a state of shock, of ‘oh shit, I really have to do this, WE really have to do this’ - where there is a sense of ‘I can’t believe this is happening, this is real’ even though it has been shared and foretold many times, but I took it for granted, believed and perceived that somehow there’s going to be a ‘happy ending’ - yet all the indicators are not pointing at a happy ending , things are getting worse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process as a method of ‘self improvement’ as a way to ‘improve myself’ and ‘improve my life’ - looking only at the context of ‘my life’ and ‘this one life’ and not from the perspective of eternity as eternal being that is going to be here after death, as a being that is part of all that is here, that there is no actual ‘death’ as ‘an end’ - there is no escaping what is here as what I have accepted and allowed as what is currently exists here on this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as overcoming ‘some limitations’ and not within the commitment to overcome ALL limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence because I already decided at the beginning of my process that ‘I can’t really do this’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that I ‘can’t really do this’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself that walking process is ‘impossible’ and within that never really committed 100%

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard is the exception 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard asked everyone to do the impossible 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as a lifestyle - and in essence have walked as a non-believer, as a Judas - showing a front of agreement but behind my back crossing my fingers that 'I don't actually believe this' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process had seen the implications of Bernard's words, of being the directive principle in EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH, even when ASLEEP - and to have in that moment gone 'pfft, no way, that's stretching it too far' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really have started my process but been only walking the process to walking my process - still 'making up my mind' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been walking in postponement, waiting 'for proof' even though I lived with the walking and talking proof as Bernard 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process like a dream - that it's not really real - while it is all in reverse - what I thought was real and important was the dream 

Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning

This blog is a continuation to: Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I gain knowledge of an event which is going to happen to which I have assigned a negative energy charge as a ‘dislike’ – pre-occupy my mind with this point/event where every moment where I am not busy doing something and have ‘a moment for myself’, I go and look up this point within myself and upload the negative energy attached to it, where I “entertain” myself with the point and the various backchat linked to it and then feel crappy until I am doing something again that takes my mind off of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at any given time be experiencing something as energy – where if there is a moment of ‘nothingness’ I go and ‘fill in the blank’ by bring up something which I know I resist, just to have a form of experience as energy within and as me – so I can feel that I am ‘on track’ and ‘normal’ within always experiencing some form of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within those mornings where I am clear within waking up – question my ‘lack of experience’ and deliberately go and look for something to experience, where I then go and pinpoint whatever point of resistance may be in the near future, bring the point here and allow this point to occupy myself and saturate myself with the energy connected to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require energy as experience to be able to function ‘normally’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to wake up and have a particular experience as energy present/existent within me, to ‘set the tone’ of the day as a form of ‘guidance’ as to how I am going to be today and what I am going to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy to tell me what to feel and then to according to how I feel, tell me what to do / how to behave myself for the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated self-responsibility within assigning direction to energy, where I expect energy to tell me how I am going to be and what I am going to do – instead of me directing and instructing myself within practical common sense and self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create friction within myself from the moment I wake up – where I believe that I require to have ‘some type of experience’, where I believe that I need to ‘define’ myself according to energy and ‘place’ myself for the day – and where the first thought/energy experience in the morning sets the tone/direction for the rest of the day – where whatever I do during my day will be ‘tainted’ by this initial energy as friction I experienced in the morning which determines what I do , how I do it and how I experience myself within doing it – complete self-enslavement


When and as I see myself accessing my ‘resistance point of the day’ within having a ‘moment for myself’ – where I am for a moment not doing anything/focusing on a particular task – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within those ‘in-between moments’ where for a moment I am done with something and about to move to the next point and have ‘open range’ in my mind as I am not focussed at any task at hand, I go and look for a point to entertain myself with for a moment as to charge myself energetically before moving on to my next task, I see and realise that this is me seeing an ‘open space’ which needs to be filled where I believe that I must at all times be pre-occupied and that I cannot have a ‘quiet’ moment within myself. And so I commit myself to in those moments where I go and deliberately access points of resistance as energy to occupy/entertain myself momentarily in-between doing things, to stop and to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body, and simply allow myself this moment of quietness

When and as I see myself noticing an ‘empty spot’ / ‘blank space’ within and as myself within not having any particular energetic experience, and reacting to this emptiness within and as fear – where I believe I MUST be experiencing something at all times, that this is what Life is about – I STOP and I BREATHE – I see and realise that I have defined living as experiencing some form of energy at all times which is an illusion I have adopted for myself and so I commit myself to disillusion myself within trusting myself here within and as breath, as my human physical body and show myself that living does not take place within one’s individual mind as energy – but in communal physical existence

When and as I wake up in the mornings and see/realise that there is nothing on my mind and find this alarming and immediately want to go and look for stuff to think/worry about – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just one of my many defense mechanisms as mind to ensure my continued survival as energy, which is me trapping myself into believing that I need/require energy to exist while me as my human physical body does not require mind energy – only the mind requires energy as friction to survive and so I commit myself to within those moments snap myself out of my fear/alarm –mode and to see/realise that I can be here within and as breath, as my human physical body and be perfectly fine without occupying myself with mind energies/experiences

When and as I wake up in the mornings just being here and then react to this within not having any energetic experience yet within me, within the belief that I MUST experience something in order to give my day ‘character’ and to ‘guide me’ into how I must conduct myself for the day – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this pattern is only limiting me where I limit myself for a whole day within the context/framework of a single thought/energy/emotion/feeling that I have in the morning, which then determines everything I do, how I do it and how I experience myself within it – which is just another way of saying that I am setting myself up to not be ‘here’ for the whole day, and select/set my ‘alternate reality’-experience for the day in which to entertain/distract myself from being here and taking self-responsibility – and so I commit myself to STOP right there in the moment of waking up and wanting to conjure up some experience and force myself to be HERE and direct myself within Self-Trust as I ground myself within and as breath and my human physical body

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Day 62: There Must Be Something Wrong!

I’ve noticed that whenever I come across a point as an event which I know is going to happen, but that I do not want to happen because I have resistance towards it – I will go and torture myself with this point in anticipation until it is over.

I had this mostly during my time in school – I’ve only noticed this pattern once in a while since I’ve moved to the farm.

At school this mostly had to do with performance projects like talking about a subject in front of a whole bunch of people – I really did not like that. I would then from the moment that I would get knowledge of the point, go into a ‘down’/’burdened’ state and just in general feel like blah. If the point was only due to take place within a week, I would for every day of that week feel all “blah”, with increasing intensity as the event/point would get closer.

In the mornings I would wake up, and feel fine like – aah, there my eyes open, it’s a new day, it’s so nice and comfy in my bed and the soft sheets, it’s so nice to wake up like this…. (I wouldn’t actually *think’ this stuff, it’s more the general sensation that would go through me while opening my eyes and stretching out in bed) – and then I would stop for a moment and go (the next part I would think): “This is not right, something’s out of place – why am I feeling fine?” And then I’d quickly scan through my memory as to what is supposed be wrong with my morning and how I am experiencing myself and then I’d hit the points like “Oh right, that project thing is happening tomorrow, and then there’s that other thing I have to do” and then BAM my ‘down’/’burdened’ energy mode kicks in, locks me in – and just like that in a split second my entire mood changes from being fine, embracing a new day to feeling heavy/depressed , not wanting to get out of bed and wondering why my life sucks so much – and then that energy/moods pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the day. And everyday I will do the same thing where every new morning getting closer to the point, it will get more ‘intense’ – until I am passed the point.

So a day or two ago, this pattern showed its face again and I saw how I was fucking up my whole day with just this one thought in the morning. This is not cool so within the next blog(s) I will be walking this point in Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Actions.

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