Day 230: Permission And Self - Worth

Day 223: Words and the Hidden Battle of Energies

Within being pregnant and walking the preparation of walking/living with another as myself within having to stand as example, I have been working a lot with Words. I have been closely studying the Parenting: Perfecting the Human Race Series for instance which pretty much can be translated into the Science of Words and has been very interesting to listen to (You can download Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5 of the series for free FYI from the Eqafe website). The baby to be has also been sharing points through the portal whereby he will give an update on his personal process and also assist and support me in indicating what words/points to work with that he can already see is impacting him. So it’s been words, words, words for me lately and I have been enjoying the process quite immensely in working with words and dissecting my relationship with words, which are essentially like Maps to ourselves.

My mother is now also visiting for a bit and now I have been able to observe the ‘Science of Words’ quite clearly as well in my communication with her and hers towards me. This is the person who raised me with her words, so it has been quite interesting to see what comes up within myself as we talk and discuss things.

The first thing I noticed is that I would react a lot more towards my mother than I would “normally” do with any other person, and the reactions would also not make much sense – in the sense that it was clear that they were being ‘irrational’. So when I first noticed that I got that I had to start slowing down more. What was interesting then was how I could see while we talked that she would be for instance sharing a story or making a point, but there would be like a ‘shadow story’/’shadow message’ attached to it. Where if you look at the words by itself, it seemed like she was just ‘sharing a story’ – but then looking at the undertone of the story as the energies connected to certain words – there was an additional message connected to it, like the message was ‘bugged’ with a particular energy, sending me a message. I would then receive this ‘energy’ message and resonantly react to what she is saying – first not really knowing exactly ‘what’ I was reacting to, and then slowing myself down and spacing out what had just happened I could tell the exact words that had been energy-laden and how within looking at the composition of the energies along with the words used – I could see a sense of ‘manipulation’ coming through essentially, as I had reacted in fear to the particular story she told which made me want to re-consider some of the decisions I had made (which I know my mother doesn’t completely agree with lol).

In a way, I felt like I had been ‘shot’ with an energy bullet – where on the surface, our communication appeared nice enough, but the shadow conversation that was taking place as energy exchange felt like a stab in the back.

Fascinatingly enough though, I found myself doing the exact same thing an hour or so later – where I was sharing with her something that in itself as ‘just the words’ seemed innocent/genuine – yet I had attached a particular energy to the words, kind of last minute, to deliberately and specifically generate a reaction of fear within her – where as I was saying the words I saw an opportunity to ‘get back’ at her and was able to induce some sense of fear into her. As the last bit of words came out of my mouth, I already realised what I had done and immediately went into shame and regret – because obviously this is not cool and was completely unnecessary. Yet at the same time it was cool to witness this type of communication/interaction within a ‘Mother/Daughter’ set-up/scenario – where I could really see everything I had learnt so far about words in action, being able to witness how this practically plays out in a parenting relationship, how we have this whole other layer/dimension of communication existent between human beings that we are basically not even aware of and how definitely our relationship to words and usage of words has become one of complete deception and manipulation instead of honesty and integrity. So this was a cool reminder/wake up call, re-emphasising the importance of working with words, working with Vocabulary and the work that needs to go into preparing oneself to become an effective Parent, because you have to basically re-design your whole Living as all the Words you use to re-align them to what is Best for All where we no longer ab-use and mis-use words but become Living Words which mean exactly that which they are, and are straight to the point without any Hidden Agendas.

Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
Continuing from my previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom for myself within a limited experience of me buying something without having looked/investigated how freedom is in fact limited by money as the money system we live by -- where this actually exists as the very definition of limitation and a violation to freedom within the context of human rights

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that freedom is just the one side of a polarity construct, where one can only have freedom in conjunction with limitation/restriction -- and thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my momentary experience of 'freedom' with money was only the result of my otherwise more long lasting experience of limitation/restriction in relation to money, but where I failed to see/acknowledge this dimension in relation to money and only focused on the 'good' and 'positive' as the 'freedom' I would experience when buying something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only way I was able to have an experience of 'freedom' in relation to money as 'being able to buy things', was because of an inherent feeling/experience of limitation/restriction that existed due to the absence of money as a medium to get things I wanted, where I got so 'used to' and 'accustomed' to the 'negative side' of money that I had 'normalized' it within myself and thus not questioned the point -- so that when I was presented with a postive side / expeirence in relation to money, I embraced it with open arms and accepted this as the 'new face' that money was going to carry for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up the desire to buy things that I wanted simply as a side-effect of not having been able / having had the means to get myself things, where the more I experience limitation/restriction in relation to money, the stronger the desire/want grew for the positive experience in relation to money as 'freedom' -- where I believed that  'being able to and buying something I want' was the ultimate expression of freedom in relation to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at / upset with my parents for not giving me money / more money -- not seeing and realising that they, just as me, were suffering from money paranoia, where the struggle between freedom and restriction/limitation in relation to money kept them in fear and friction wherein they decided that it was better to be restrictive with giving money to the children so they can possess more freedom within being in control of the money supply within the family -- and thus I cannot be angry at them or blame them as they were just like me 'seeking freedom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the way money exists within this world and the paranoia attached to it, where I merely made the necessary calculations to 'work my way around it ' instead of question money and the paranoia that exists around money and investigating/finding out how one can change the way money exists in this world so we may remove our relationship of paranoia/terror in relation to money -- where money is no more a tool to keep one in constant friction but a tool to facilliate and support the existence of life on earth

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
• Day 198: Negativity as Freedom
• Day 401: Thinking is for Losers
• Day 211: Wonder
• Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind
• Day 163: Staying the course of self honesty
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 235: Calling the Beast by it's Name - Breast Cancer - The Cancer Paranoia - Day 20

Day 200: I Don’t Do Bad Grades

I was looking at this exam point some more and two memories popped up in relation to having an emotional attachment/connection to this point.

The first one is when I received a test back for geography, and I either almost failed or failed the test – and was absolutely flabbergasted by this. I just couldn’t believe it – I couldn’t believe that this piece of paper with such a bad grade had my name on it – there MUST have been a mistake. I, Leila, DO NOT GET THESE GRADES! Lol. All around me people had the same grade or lower and they were pretty ‘cool’ about it, meaning, they just saw the grade, had a little sigh but then they were over it. I was trying to play it cool but on the inside my head I was going insane – I had never been faced with the such a low grade and I didn’t have any reference on how to cope with this, so I was just like a bouncing ball bouncing in all directions inside my head with emotions and feelings bouncing along with it, trying to find out ‘how to feel about this’ and what to ‘make of it’. My whole day after that was completely fucked, I felt completely worthless and useless and was completely depressed by the time I got home that day.

Then I have another memory, where I am about to go home, school’s almost over and I have my paper with me with all my grades which were all just *perfect*. I was really chuffed with myself and when I got my mom had tears in her eyes. These were my last grades as I graduated from high school and it was like the epitome of my ‘academic achievement’ all throughout school – from primary all the way till the end of high school. My grades had always been great, and I had managed to end it off with ‘perfect’ grades.

And then I remembered that one bad test and how I had experienced myself. And I remember my friends who had to deal with bad grades all the time and how they did seem to be ‘overthrown’ by it the way I had been, and how jealous I had been that they could just not put so much of themselves into ‘a grade’.

And I could see how stupid it was to get so emotional over a bad grade, and I could see how stupid it was to be ‘so happy’ about a good grade – but it was like I just couldn’t ‘help myself’ – it was so automatic, so ingrained, so deep.

I remember get my first grades while studying here in South Africa, and I got my list and it was so awkward and weird – because usually, I would immediately go and take the piece of paper to my mom, that’s who the paper is for. But my mom’s not around here, she’s not involved in my studies. And so I was sitting there with the paper, looking at it, and it was just so ‘freeing’ that I could hold it without having to move and having to ‘show it’ to anyone. The paper with the grades was here for me, and me alone. I could share it with other people but I didn’t have to – because that was no longer what it was about. It was just a piece of paper giving me feedback on how I’d done on my subjects, so I could look at it, take in the information , fold the piece of paper and put it away – and that was that. It was so freaking awesome lol

Related articles

• Day 199: Exam Nightmares
• Does the Education system Prepare the Children to Face the World - Day 337
• Day 342: The Psychology of the Grading System
• Stepping Beyond The Fear Of Failure - Day 376
• How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373
• 364.Education is a Human Right |Equal Money

Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel

I’ve been looking at a point where someone will say or ask me something – and where the words they speak ‘make sense’, but it just feels like something’s ‘off’ about it – and I immediately want to protest/rebel against what it is they are saying or asking – not because of the words spoken but simply because of the ‘vibe’ or ‘energy’ it carries. And the reaction is like immediate, like NO, I do NOT agree/ I DO NOT want to do that – as a reaction to kind of “shake” the energy off of me, like it’s disgusting lol.

It reminds me of when my mom would ask me to clean my room. It didn’t bother me that she asked me to clean my room – that made sense, but it would be the way she asked, like you can sense there’s something hidden behind it which was just all off and it didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Back then I thought I was merely ‘rebelling’ towards my parents as ‘authority’ but I actually didn’t have a clue why I experienced myself that way and why I was reacting and just DID NOT want to do what she asked me to do lol.

So I got now that when people talk, there’s a lot more information crossing the room besides just the words spoken – there’s a whole resonance/energy component that I had previously never look at or considered – which was what I was picking up on whenever I would react to my parents demands. It was not because they were not being rational that I would not want to do what they asked, but because I could sense that their starting point was not cool. And this can be pretty confusing because all you know is that there’s something ‘off’ about what someone is saying to you but when you try to pinpoint what it is that’s exactly off about it, you’re kind of grasping at air and that would leave me wiggly/unstable – because I have this experience inside me but I can’t explain it and I have no ‘proof’ so to speak that I can put forward to explain why I do not want to comply to the request.

So this started happening recently, where someone would ask me something simple to do and I would get like a buzzing feeling where for some reason I don’t want to do it. I got confused because I looked at the words and the words made sense – so why was I experiencing myself this way? I brushed it off, thinking that I must be projecting something unto the other person and should just disregard the experience and work on ‘not wanting to do things’ or something like that. But it didn’t stop, each time the same person would ask me something and it would have that ‘vibe’ to it, I’d buzz – and I’m like what the fuck??!!! What is going on??

This would happen over and over again, buzz by buzz and in the end I would actually end up getting seriously annoyed with the other whenever this happened.

So then I looked at how the person spoke the words, the energy it had to it and put myself in the other person’s shoes. If I’d speak/ask something that way with that ‘vibe’ with it – what is creating that vibe? So then I got that if I would be speaking/asking things this way, that there was a point of morality/fairness involved – where I would ask someone to do something not because it makes sense, but cause of some idea of fairness/morality and where I do not even know that I am participating within fairness/morality because in my mind it ‘makes sense’. So even though the message makes sense, the starting point is off – and because it’s coming from an idea of fairness/morality which has been justified through “reasoning” – it’s hard to catch that there’s something off about it, because from the outside looking at it, it makes sense .This was then later also confirmed where this point opened up in a conversation where the person could see they where coming from a fairness point in how they would do certain things and I was glad to know I wasn’t going crazy lol.

So what was interesting with this whole experience is how little we know about ourselves, communication and how to deal with particular experiences. I mean, as a kid I had the exact same experience, and the only thing I could do that somehow made sense was to resist, protest and rebel without really even knowing why – it just ‘felt like the right thing to do’. But what happens then is that you’re just playing a reactive game where say my mom is being reactive within how she asks me to clean my room and then I react in protest and rebellion which in turn she can use to justify why she is reacting the way she is and strengthen her belief point to which I will then react even more and before you know it you’ve got a little snowball turned into a massive ball of snow causing an avalanche of reactions – because both sides just feed it and feed it and feed it to no resolve.

So this was now also kind of happening where because initially I did not know how to deal with my experience, I would internalize it and basically make a mind point out of it as I didn’t know how to direct it so it was just kind of stuck inside of me and then I would start back chatting about it and then that’s how the annoyance would grow. Where in the beginning I would brush it away but the experience kept re-occurring and the irresistible urge to just not comply/rebel was getting seriously huge. So now I know that if I experience myself this way to simply ask like ‘Hey, why are you asking me this way’ and to open up the point and if I am just projecting cool, then I know and sort myself out and if not then cool, it’s out in the open and I don’t have to sit with this experience that has got no-where to go and who knows the person might find some assistance in it.

Because I was more and more leaning into the not complying/rebelling point but I saw this also did not make sense because this will also just strengthen any already existent reaction within another / give them more reason to do what they are doing -- but I also saw that I could not just ‘do nothing’’ -- which is why I decided to write this blog to get some clarity and it did lol.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow…

Related articles

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• Day 316: Sensitive Souls - How to Face Success
• Reacting - Revenge of the Ego - Day 283
• Day 261 - The Pattern of Who I Am Part 9
• Day 195: Giving up on Myself - No More Head in the Clouds
• Day 194: Giving up on Myself - Idea of Roughness

Day 176: Does Wisdom come with Age?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics
Day 174: Don't talk Politics!
Day 175: Mother Knows Best!

When and as I see myself react within fear and anxiety when a person responds to me within strong conviction and emotion -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that my fear and anxiety is originating from not understanding what is going on within the situation and not knowing how to place the person's emotionally charged response into context -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself out of the fear into my body so that I can hear what is being said instead of react and work only with that

When and as I see myself react within immediate acceptance when receiving a response from an adult / any person older that me from the starting point that 'they know best' - I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the viability of a person's answer/response does not rest on age but on the words spoken and their mathematical relationship within common sense -- and so I commit myself to within those moments, stop, breathe and listen/hear to the words being said/shared and to consider the words spoken and what their implications are and assess from there instead of using age as an only variable of validity

When and as I see myself react to a person conveying a message within strong conviction and emotion and interpret this behaviour as 'if he/she feels so strongly about this, he/she must have good reason for this statement and is probably right' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that how a person feels about a particular point does not increase the viability of the statement / point -- but is only an indicator of just that = how the person feels/experiences the point and so I commit myself to breathe and let go of the idea that conviction/strong emotion = truthfullness and move myself to hear the words spoken / shared and consider the viability of the system within the context of the words spoken/shared only within investigating their relationship and implications and whether or not these stand within what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself go into a zombie mode of merely accepting what is being said to me from the starting point of "parents know best -- they've survived in this world for so long, there must be truthfulness in what they say" -- I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that this form of reasoning cannot be trusted as this only implies that they have been able to follow/comply with the system but this in itself does not say anything about the truthfulness/validity of the system itself

When and as I see myself wanting to ask/inquire about another person's political standpoint/point of view and react to this within the belief/anticipation/fear/anxiety that "bad things will happen if I do this" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is a response pattern that was instructed to me which I accepted and allowed within me without testing out whether the statement is actually real and so I commit myself to simply inquire/ask and receive the response unconditionally

When and as I see myself react to other people inquiring/asking/commenting on my political standpoint / point of view within an experience of offense wherein "everyone deserves to keep their political views/standpoints secret/private" and "my political standpoints/views are none of anyone else's business’-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am running on an outdated script copied from my parents and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and respond openly and within that I commit myself to investigate my experience within sharing openly and identifying/flagging any points of uncomfortability for further self-investigation and correction

When and as I see myself seeing a point within another words which I do not see as making sense, such as having friends but not being open about one's political view with them, and going into a response of 'nah' and brushing away / suppressing the point as non-important / me probably being wrong -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have the ability to hear and assess words and so I commit myself to speak when such a point arises and open up the point -- because even if I am wrong I will then be able to see why and correct myself rather than brushing away the point and not doing anything with it while at the same time not really being satisfied/understanding of the answer given to me

Day 175: Mother Knows Best!

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics
Day 174: Don't talk Politics!
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted in fear and anxiety when I asked my mother about our neighbours political view/standpoint wherein she immediately assumed a stance of shock and perplexity to my question and where her words (Leila! You don't ask that type of questions! You don't ask people who they vote for, that's very inappropriate! You only talk about it with family. People have the right to keep their voting preferences a secret and you shouldn't ask about it') pierced through my ears and body so that I would never forget : you do no talk about and inquire about other people’s political views, it’s impolite and inappropriate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘stepped back’ within myself within hearing my mother’s response of ‘No you don’t talk about that’ , wherein I had taken her verbal response and emotional reaction personal within the belief that “I should have known this” -- where her verbal response and emotional reaction was so strong and so full of conviction that I interpreted this strong display of emotion as ‘she must be right if she feels so strongly about this – she must have good reason for her statement’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trusted my mother as being an authority on ‘how the world works’ because she has been here longer than I have and is still alive and well off in the current system and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as long as I safely and carefully walk in my mother’s footsteps and do as she did, I will end up in a safe place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have concluded from my mother’s intense negative response in relation to asking about other people’s political views/standpoints that ‘bad things will happen if you ask/talk about other people’s political views/standpoints’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have immediately integrated, without questioning that ‘everyone deserves to keep their political views/standpoints secret’ and ‘other people’s political standpoints/views are none of my business’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have trusted myself within the moment where I experienced a slight discomfort within me when hearing my mother’s instructions on how to deal with politics in public life – as I found it strange and peculiar that one would not want to know/inquire about one’s neighbours political standpoint/views if they are considered to be ‘one’s friends’ – and where it was strange that this aspect of a ‘friend’ ‘s life would be okay to be secret/hidden – as obviously one’s political standpoint/point of view tells/shows a lot about where a person is standing in their Life and what their approach is to Life, and this is something I would want to know about within my friends

Day 174: Don't talk Politics!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted upon hearing Gian speak about politics in public within which he was expressing his political view and standpoint and reacted to this information within surprise and offense, wherein I thought "Doesn't he know he should not talk about politics like that in public - it's not done!!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have watched out carefully and closely after hearing Gian express his political view/stand point to a stranger within the belief that it is not done -- where I carefully anticipated the other person's reaction within the belief that the person will act/respond according to my moral code as 'you don't talk about politics in front of strangers' where I exprected the other person to react within a point of conflict/friction and offense/uncomfortability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held my breath within the moment of the stranger moving her mouth to start forming her response to Gian having expressed his political view/standpoint within the belief/expectation that she is going to say something displeasing with Gian's comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted in disbelief upon hearing the stranger agree with Gian's comment where I reacted within "This can't be right, she didn't do what I expected her to do" and where I was shocked that my belief-system / moral-code had been wrong / not a 'universal principle'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having felt betrayed by my own belief-system / moral-code when it turned out to not match reality amd within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have investigated my belief-system / moral-code in relation to politics

When and as I see myself react to someone expressing their political views in public within the starting point of a belief system of "speaking in public about one's political views/standpoint is not done' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am acting upon taught instructions as what had been given to me by my parents in relation to politics without finding out / investigating for myself whether these instructions were real/valid and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and let go of the reaction/fear and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself react within anticipation when someone is about to respond to another having expressed their political views in public, where I anticipate their reaction to be 'negative' / 'being displeased' with someone having expressed their political views in public -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that my belief-system / moral-code did not match reality and that the outcome of a response towards someone is not pre-scripted to always be negative as if it is some universal law, but will depend from person to person and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and unconditionally embrace the moment no matter the outcome and trust myself to act within common sense no matter what comes out of the situation/conversation

When and as I see myself react within 'betrayal' to my belief-system / moral-code not having played out in reality as to how I believed things should have played out -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have only betrayed myself within not investigating my own belief-systems and moral-codes and find out whether they are rooted in Reality/Common Sense or the realm of Belief, where instead of actively investigating I had to go through a process of reaction to be shown where I still require alignment and so I commit myself to actively engage in investigating my moral-codes and belief-systems so that I do not have to go through a process of reaction each time, where I have to wait for an event to happen before I see/realise that there is a problem to be aligned/work through

Related articles

• Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
• Day 276 - Self Doubt - Part 1
• Day 252 - The Trap of Who I am Every Day.
• Day 163: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 21 - Suppression.
• Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics

Today I had an interesting reaction that came up.


Gian and I went to the optometrist to get new glasses. At the end of our appointment we were going through the information about the lenses and how long it would take before I would get the new glasses. The lady who was helping us mentioned that the lenses have to go overseas to get treated since the technology to do the treatments does not exist in South Africa. She then mentioned a funding problem upon which Gian made a comment about the government and the president being corrupt.

As he opened his mouth and started criticizing the government, I immediately reacted into disbelief and my eyes went big and one of the thoughts that came up automatically was 'you can't just talk about politics like that in front of people -- what if they don't agree with your point of view??!! Doesn't he know it's really impolite and inappropriate?!!'. What's interesting about this thought is that it sounded exactly like my mom and how my physical behaviour changed for a moment was exactly how my mother changed her physical posture when I asked her about other people's political views for the first time.

I remember being a kid and elections were around the corner. There were posters and ads all over town about the different parties and representatives, and our mailbox would get flooded with pamphlets daily. I started getting curious what this whole politics ordeal was about and started asking my mom questions. Like how do the elections work, what this this and that party, who is our mayor, what party is he from, what party do 'we' / she vote for (she was the only one voting at the time, since my dad is not originally from Belgium but naturalized he has the option to vote but does not have to -- in general voting is compulsory in Belgium).

She explained how the voting process is a very private thing -- which I interpreted as being secretive -- where people go in a little booth where no-one can see what party and who they vote for, and where the voting cannot be traced back to them (not sure if this is actually so, this is what I got out of it as she explained it to me).

I remember looking outside through the window and seeing the neighbours on the street. My mom is friends with them so I asked them who the vote for. She immediately reacted, almost in a fright and her eyes went all big and she said: 'Leila! You don't ask that type of questions! You don't ask people who they vote for, that's very inappropriate! You only talk about it with family. People have the right to keep their voting preferences a secret and you shouldn't ask about it'.

Woaw, ok.

This point was then classified under other points such as
'Don't ask people how old they are, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'
'Don't ask people how much money they make, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'
'Don't ask people how much they weight, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'.

So as Gian was sharing his perspective with the lady, I went into complete fear because he was breaking an important moral code: DON'T TALK POLITICS WITH OTHER PEOPLE OTHER THAN FAMILY - IT'S IMPOLITE!!!!'

When he was done, I held my breath in suspension, awaiting the woman's response -- anticipating an uncomfortable moment. Instead she laughed, agreed and made some more jokes about the government and the president -- not an uncomfortable situation at all. There was also a sense of betrayal, because things had not played out the way 'they should have' in terms of how my mother had prepared me in relation to politics and other people.

So it was interesting to see how this one moment, this one event triggered a memory from say 15 years ago, as the first impression I got from my mother about talking / asking about politics with other people -- and how within that moment I took on the entire expression my mom had taken on when she had talked to me all those years ago - exactly copying the physical movements/changes and the exact words spoken back then, but in this case in thought form.

I mean, in terms of where I am now and my involvement within political issues -- this is a very strange and random reaction, completely out of place. This really shows how we are programmed and instructed by our parents as children, copying and integrating the impressions we receive from them and then play them out without asking/questioning -- as they are adults and they have been longer than me here on Earth and know how things are done, I must just trust them and follow foot.

It's also creepy to see how an event of 15 years ago which only lasted a few seconds is stored in the body, with all its information in tact, ready to come up when the right trigger is set off. The experience seemingly came 'out of nowhere', but when I looked at it closer it was so clear that it was just a replica of my moms experience/expression over a decade ago.

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