Day 95: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

When and as I see myself being sad when an animal has died, and see that I am ‘done’ with the crying/being sad and see myself wanting to go and dig up memories within myself as all the ‘good times’ we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I can maintain the sadness and crying or even ‘up’ it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am going beyond the point of ‘letting go’ but instead abuse this moment to become an emotional wreck for the sake of becoming an emotional wreck which has no relation to the being that just died – and so I commit myself to within that moment snap myself out of wanting to go and dig up memories, breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself going into a mode of ‘seeing an opportunity’ when an animal has died to go and have a private pity party for myself in order to get rid of excess built-up/accumulated energy within my life – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am abusing the moment to deceive myself and others in order to ‘escape’ and have a temporary ‘exit’ of my reality – where I do not require to be responsible because of ‘extenuating circumstances’ – where I pretend to be badly affected so that I can sulk in my own self-pity and get to be ‘excused’ for it – which is completely unacceptable – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, investigate the movement of wanting to use this event as an opportunity to have a pity-party within writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself digging up memories to fuel feelings of being sad and crying when someone died and seeing that there is something ‘off’ about it – I stop and breathe – I see and realise that there is indeed something off about it as I am participating within deliberate self-manipulation to spill out emotions of self-pity which have accumulated throughout my life in a way that I can ‘cover them up’ and not have to look at them and so I stop and commit myself to take responsibility for these built up emotions and investigate how I have accumulated these throughout my life and give them direction through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself judging myself for not being overly emotional when someone has died – and where I want to in response to the judgment/guilt, go an dig up memories of all the ‘good times’ I had with the being to trigger crying/sadness as I perceive this to be ‘normal’ behaviour – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and investigate my ideas of morality and ‘normalcy’ within the context of beings dying and what the ‘appropriate response’ should be

When and as I see myself access/go into the belief that crying when someone has died is a token of ‘care’ and that thus ‘not crying’ is a token of ‘not caring’ and ‘psychopathic behaviour’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created this idea based on upbringing, education and media without ever investigating the phenomenon of Death and what it actually entails when someone dies and so I commit myself to debunk my beliefs about death and ‘care’ within Self-Reflective writing

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would for a moment cry and be sad -- to not stop when I moved through the release, but instead go and deliberately go and 'dig up' memories within myself with all the 'good times' we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I could continue crying and be sad instead of stopping when I saw that I was done with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and be sad and cry for a moment -- to not stop when I saw I was done being sad/crying -- but instead use this event/occurrence as an opportunity to have a 'pity party' with myself, where I deliberately use emotionally-laden memories in connection to the animal that passed away to bubble up emotions inside myself and have a cry/pity party -- where I go through all the events in my life where I felt powerless and a victim and tell myself how hard my life sucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and crying -- to not stop when I saw I was done, but instead use this moment to go 'overboard' and push my energetic/emotional levels up and use the death of the animal as an excuse/justification to be an emotional wreck, because I saw that this type of behaviour would not be 'out of line' considering the event that just happened, and that thus no-one would come and bother me about it, they would even come and comfort me from time to time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and cry about it for a moment, and then to be able to continue being sad I would dig up memories deliberately that were positively loaded -- to not have stopped myself when looking at what I was doing and seeing that it was 'off' in the sense that I felt that I was cheating the animal that just died, because I wasn't in fact crying or mourning about the actual animal/being that just died -- but instead I was using the memories in which they featured to conjure up an emotional experience and use their death as an excuse to become an emotional, directionless, sobbing 'blob' and give in to self-pity which had been accumulated throughout my life but which I suppressed and never gave direction -- so I could for a moment release my feelings of self-pity within the misguided context of 'mourning' so that I would never give these experiences and how they came about a second thought, and so set myself up to release for a moment, to then be able to accumulate/recharge myself once again with emotions of self-pity throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when finding myself a bit sad for a moment, in terms of acknowledging the fuckedupness of our world -- but where this was only for a few seconds and did not feel like I was going to cry -- where I judged myself as being a 'bad person' for not crying and tried to guilt trip myself into going back to digging up emotional-laden memories to make myself cry so I wouldn't feel bad about not feeling bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/judgment/belief about what one has to do in relation to the death of someone -- where I believe one should cry as a token to show that you cared about the being that died, where consequently I within that also created the idea/belief/judgment that if someone does not cry about the death of another, that this means/implies that they did not care and are kind of psychopathic

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that crying about someone dying does not necessarily have to mean that this shows that they 'cared' as I have seen for myself that my emotional cry burst-outs had nothing to do with the being that died but was a manipulation technique to suit my own selfish ends

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• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2
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Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

While I was busy writing my blogs on the birdies, a point opened up in relation to their death/them dying and how I would experience myself. In the past I've almost always cried a lot and experienced myself to be very emotional. During my stay here at the farm, I've had to deal with a lot of deaths, mostly birds as the ones we would find and chickens, ducks, goslings.

With the last two birds that died, I found myself not being emotional and not crying.

Stuff had happened, it resulted in the death of the animal -- there was nothing more I could do. It was just another confirmation of how we've designed, created and allowed which is fucked into every possible way.

Then, as I noticed that I wasn't crying or being overly emotional -- I started to feel bad and guilty, thinking I should cry now and be sad, and that the amount of sadness/crying would reflect 'how much I cared' about the being that died. So now I felt bad/guilty, because I interpreted how I was experiencing myself -- or rather my 'lack' of experience, as a bad thing -- thinking that it meant that I didn't care and was 'unrespectful' towards the dead.

Then, I looked at my past experiences when animals died, where often I would for a moment be sad and upon realising that they are dead/gone -- but it would be a very short experience. What I did afterwards, was actually quite interesting. Once I was crying and being sad, but not like, in an energetic way -- I would use the opportunity of 'there has been a death' -- to go completely 'overboard' with sadness. Like I just said, I would be sad for a moment, but be fine quite soon afterwards -- and once I would hit that moment of "Hmm, I'm actually quite fine, there's no more reason to be sad" -- I'd go and deliberately 'dig' into memories as 'all the good times we had together' to make myself become emotional and cry alot -- just for the sake of being emotional and crying, where I felt that this was a good opportunity to seize and allow myself to be an emotional wreck, because it would be seen as 'justifiable', considering someone just died.

I remember doing this with my guinea pig's death, where I would manipulate myself into being an emotional wreck through digging up memories, and then looking at the memory and saying to myself "See, this is what you are loosing -- you are never going to be able to have such a moment again", upon which emotions would well up and I would cry and cry and just lay in my bed and sob all depressed and victim like, where I was actually enjoying just being this bag of emotions just laying there all 'powerless' and "oh my god, the world and my life sucks so much" -- where I basically used the death of the pet as an excuse to have a self-pity party.

So then this whole experience really didn't have anything to do with the being that died, I just found it to be a good opportunity to let out all the self-pity that I had accumulated until that point in my life (maybe not all of it, but still a substantial amount).

Looking back at how I experienced myself with the death of my guinea pig, I used this 'mechanism' to manipulate myself and others, and where others would not 'question' my behaviour, because 'Hey, I just lost someone' -- where within that moment of deliberately digging up memories and saying things to myself that I knew would make me feel bad/cry -- I felt like I was 'cheating' in the sense of using the dead animal's "name in vain" -- where I was abusing their death and their life for the sake of suiting my own personal interest as having a pity party.

So then fast forwarding back to where I am now, where I was feeling bad about not feeling bad (lol) -- I immediately went into a movement of 'maybe I should go and dig up some memories and make myself cry, because that's the appropriate thing to do', where with the last bird, I dug up a memory and I could see the mechanism already turning its wheels, where I felt the emotions welling up and 'winding myself up' energetically. But then I stopped, because I saw that this was not the point, because within digging up memories as pictures with energetic signatures attached, I'm not dealing with the actual animal that died -- I'm just using information stored within me to manipulate how I feel, which as no actual direct physical relationship to the being that just died -- and that to me was like 'sacrilege' where I was once again going into the point of 'using someone's name in vain' -- and so I stopped and simply accepted that I was not going to be crying over this death and moved on pretty quickly.

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