Day 174: Don't talk Politics!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted upon hearing Gian speak about politics in public within which he was expressing his political view and standpoint and reacted to this information within surprise and offense, wherein I thought "Doesn't he know he should not talk about politics like that in public - it's not done!!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have watched out carefully and closely after hearing Gian express his political view/stand point to a stranger within the belief that it is not done -- where I carefully anticipated the other person's reaction within the belief that the person will act/respond according to my moral code as 'you don't talk about politics in front of strangers' where I exprected the other person to react within a point of conflict/friction and offense/uncomfortability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have held my breath within the moment of the stranger moving her mouth to start forming her response to Gian having expressed his political view/standpoint within the belief/expectation that she is going to say something displeasing with Gian's comment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted in disbelief upon hearing the stranger agree with Gian's comment where I reacted within "This can't be right, she didn't do what I expected her to do" and where I was shocked that my belief-system / moral-code had been wrong / not a 'universal principle'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having felt betrayed by my own belief-system / moral-code when it turned out to not match reality amd within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have investigated my belief-system / moral-code in relation to politics

When and as I see myself react to someone expressing their political views in public within the starting point of a belief system of "speaking in public about one's political views/standpoint is not done' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am acting upon taught instructions as what had been given to me by my parents in relation to politics without finding out / investigating for myself whether these instructions were real/valid and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and let go of the reaction/fear and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself react within anticipation when someone is about to respond to another having expressed their political views in public, where I anticipate their reaction to be 'negative' / 'being displeased' with someone having expressed their political views in public -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that my belief-system / moral-code did not match reality and that the outcome of a response towards someone is not pre-scripted to always be negative as if it is some universal law, but will depend from person to person and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, be here and unconditionally embrace the moment no matter the outcome and trust myself to act within common sense no matter what comes out of the situation/conversation

When and as I see myself react within 'betrayal' to my belief-system / moral-code not having played out in reality as to how I believed things should have played out -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have only betrayed myself within not investigating my own belief-systems and moral-codes and find out whether they are rooted in Reality/Common Sense or the realm of Belief, where instead of actively investigating I had to go through a process of reaction to be shown where I still require alignment and so I commit myself to actively engage in investigating my moral-codes and belief-systems so that I do not have to go through a process of reaction each time, where I have to wait for an event to happen before I see/realise that there is a problem to be aligned/work through

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Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics

Today I had an interesting reaction that came up.


Gian and I went to the optometrist to get new glasses. At the end of our appointment we were going through the information about the lenses and how long it would take before I would get the new glasses. The lady who was helping us mentioned that the lenses have to go overseas to get treated since the technology to do the treatments does not exist in South Africa. She then mentioned a funding problem upon which Gian made a comment about the government and the president being corrupt.

As he opened his mouth and started criticizing the government, I immediately reacted into disbelief and my eyes went big and one of the thoughts that came up automatically was 'you can't just talk about politics like that in front of people -- what if they don't agree with your point of view??!! Doesn't he know it's really impolite and inappropriate?!!'. What's interesting about this thought is that it sounded exactly like my mom and how my physical behaviour changed for a moment was exactly how my mother changed her physical posture when I asked her about other people's political views for the first time.

I remember being a kid and elections were around the corner. There were posters and ads all over town about the different parties and representatives, and our mailbox would get flooded with pamphlets daily. I started getting curious what this whole politics ordeal was about and started asking my mom questions. Like how do the elections work, what this this and that party, who is our mayor, what party is he from, what party do 'we' / she vote for (she was the only one voting at the time, since my dad is not originally from Belgium but naturalized he has the option to vote but does not have to -- in general voting is compulsory in Belgium).

She explained how the voting process is a very private thing -- which I interpreted as being secretive -- where people go in a little booth where no-one can see what party and who they vote for, and where the voting cannot be traced back to them (not sure if this is actually so, this is what I got out of it as she explained it to me).

I remember looking outside through the window and seeing the neighbours on the street. My mom is friends with them so I asked them who the vote for. She immediately reacted, almost in a fright and her eyes went all big and she said: 'Leila! You don't ask that type of questions! You don't ask people who they vote for, that's very inappropriate! You only talk about it with family. People have the right to keep their voting preferences a secret and you shouldn't ask about it'.

Woaw, ok.

This point was then classified under other points such as
'Don't ask people how old they are, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'
'Don't ask people how much money they make, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'
'Don't ask people how much they weight, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'.

So as Gian was sharing his perspective with the lady, I went into complete fear because he was breaking an important moral code: DON'T TALK POLITICS WITH OTHER PEOPLE OTHER THAN FAMILY - IT'S IMPOLITE!!!!'

When he was done, I held my breath in suspension, awaiting the woman's response -- anticipating an uncomfortable moment. Instead she laughed, agreed and made some more jokes about the government and the president -- not an uncomfortable situation at all. There was also a sense of betrayal, because things had not played out the way 'they should have' in terms of how my mother had prepared me in relation to politics and other people.

So it was interesting to see how this one moment, this one event triggered a memory from say 15 years ago, as the first impression I got from my mother about talking / asking about politics with other people -- and how within that moment I took on the entire expression my mom had taken on when she had talked to me all those years ago - exactly copying the physical movements/changes and the exact words spoken back then, but in this case in thought form.

I mean, in terms of where I am now and my involvement within political issues -- this is a very strange and random reaction, completely out of place. This really shows how we are programmed and instructed by our parents as children, copying and integrating the impressions we receive from them and then play them out without asking/questioning -- as they are adults and they have been longer than me here on Earth and know how things are done, I must just trust them and follow foot.

It's also creepy to see how an event of 15 years ago which only lasted a few seconds is stored in the body, with all its information in tact, ready to come up when the right trigger is set off. The experience seemingly came 'out of nowhere', but when I looked at it closer it was so clear that it was just a replica of my moms experience/expression over a decade ago.

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Day 67: You can HEAR me?!

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 
Day 65: Fear of Sharing
Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space

When I was a kid I thought that humming sounds/songs was just like having thoughts, in terms that you were the only one who could ‘hear’ what you were humming, just like you are the only one who can ‘hear’ what you’re thinking.

I liked humming a lot in primary school as a form of entertainment in class and outside the class.

When the bell would ring as a signal that break –time was over, all the pupils would rush to their class’ designated spot, and within that spot – each student also had a specific place they had to be in. Everyone had to be in lines, in pairs and be quiet before the teachers would take us into our class. There was this one teacher who liked walking around with a hand bell and shake it very loudly in the ears of any pupils still talking / making a noise.

If there was still noise/whispers going on while they were walking around the lines before taking us to class, they’d tell us that we were going to have to keep standing right there where we were. Since I believed that humming was just like thoughts, and that no-one could hear it but me – I would hum very loudly while standing in the line, thinking that I was so clever that I could still make noise without anyone hearing it – and within that kind of ‘cheat the system’. I’d do my best to hum as loud as I could and then the teachers would inspect the lines and walk right by me without reacting to my humming or saying anything about it, and I felt so good about myself that I could make this noise without anyone noticing – like I had this secret space where I could still do whatever I wanted even if I couldn’t do it ‘out there’.

And since none of the teachers ever made a remark about my humming, I kept on believing that my humming was only heard by me (obviously the humming was audible, but I think that since most teachers really liked my older brother and sister and saw us as ‘good students’, that they didn’t bother to say anything about my weird behaviour lol).

Then, waaay later – well not that much later, maybe a few months, a year? – we were in Spain with the family during the holidays. Me and Maite were making our way to go downstairs because we were about to go somewhere or say hi to someone. As I was running/jumping off the stairs I was humming a Cranberries song and as we moved down the stairs Maite started the sing the song that I was humming.

And then it hit me.

Oh

My

God


She can hear me

LOL!

I went into complete shock/fear – and I asked her “why are you singing this song?” And then she’s all plainly responds “Well you were humming it”.

I was so freaked out – this meant that during all those years of my LOUD humming in many public places/occasions – everyone actually heard me?


Woah!

I felt so embarrassed lol.

Although this whole ‘humming’ point is quite innocent in itself, what I found interesting in this memory is how I related ‘humming’ to ‘thinking’ as something I can do in my own space to entertain myself, where I believed that even though there were ‘physical constraints’ (like being in class or having to be quiet somewhere) – I could still do what I want and enjoy the freedom of my mind.

So following from this, I will be working on this point of perceived ‘freedom’ in my mind as a place where I can ‘do what I want’ and so in essence ‘escape’ from reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow

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