Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance

Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

While I was busy losing weight, I got to a point where I was skinny, but not like 'underweight' skinny. My mom had been observing losing me weight but hadn't said anything so far.

Then one day, she came to me and gave me a hug and went "Oh, just look at you -- so thing and slender - you have achieved what I never could! I am so proud of you!"

My mom had been trying to lose weight and following different diets ever since I could remember. Whenever we would visit our grandparents, her father would always make remarks about her weight and it was obvious that this was affecting her. And whatever she did, even after she'd lose some weight - she'd still look kind of the same.

So as my mom was giving me this compliment, I could hear in her voice and see in her eyes what a big deal this has been for her in her life, which I had noticed before, but hadn't realised the 'depth' of it so to speak. The way she said it and the words she chose - it was all very specific - and in that moment I felt so 'powerful' and 'chuffed' with myself - because I had just achieved in a few months what my mom had tried for most of her life but never succeeded. Within that moment I got a sense of 'superiority', where I felt like I was rising 'above' my mother and within that I found greater motivation to continue what I was doing, to be able to continue to experience this sense of superiority.

So I experienced a nice boost of fuel right then and there -- while at the same time feeling bad/guilty because I felt like I was 'cheating'. In front of my family - which was only dinner - I just ate less, so from their perspective I was just losing weight because I was eating more in moderation, while actually I didn't eat anything at all besides the dinner they saw me eat. It also felt bizarre, because they way I had achieved this 'new figure' -- was not in a healthy manner, yet I was receiving compliments from every direction (not just my mom, that one just stood out). Obviously, the people I got the compliments from did not know the full story, yet it was interesting to see how everyone supported my 'new look' without asking how I did it, where the only point of focus was the 'image' that I had attained without looking/considering what had gone into it to attain this image -- which was in essence not a cool procedure.

After I got this boost, I got even more strict with myself and lost more weight. But now my mother was getting concerned about me, and kind of getting suspicious and agitated. I was confused about this change in attitude, because I was like 'Uh, isn't this what you wanted? You were fine with me losing weight rapidly previously, why is it a problem now all of a sudden?' From my perspective nothing had changed, I had been hard on myself all this time and following unhealthy procedures, now I was just going 'that extra mile' so for me it didn't make sense that what I was doing now was invalid while what I had done previously had apparently been 'valid' -- they were both destructive in nature. I felt like I was receiving 'mixed signals' where it kind of resulted into 'it's okay to abuse yourself to some point but don't go too far with it'.

This was something which I had kind of seen before as a general point within society, but pushing it this far within my own life, it had become more prominent and clear for me to see. This made me reflect on the nature of society and what we accept and allow as 'normal' -- where everyone has got mental disorders to some extent, like everyone experiences feelings and emotions as 'ups' and 'downs' which is considered 'normal' and 'acceptable' -- yet go and take it that 'extra mile' and now you are mentally ill and are labelled being bi-polar.

SO it was kind of sick to see how in general, being dysfunctional is accepted as long as you don't take it too far (which to me seemed unfair) -- probably because if you take it 'too far', the nature of the dysfunction becomes evident which might get people to question the design as for instance going through 'highs and lows' as actually not being 'okay' and 'normal' -- so be dysfunctional, because we don't really want to change our nature, but keep your dysfunction 'in check' and 'under the radar' otherwise we have to actually deal with the problem.

So it was interesting to see the deception of how we live, what we do, what is seen as 'normal' and what is 'abnormal' -- and how we are not consistent in what is deemed 'acceptable' and 'not acceptable'.

Because it's okay to have moods, but then if you have moods at a higher 'intensity' - it's suddenly not okay anymore.
It's fine to have thoughts but it's not fine to have voices in your head. It's okay to fantasize about sex and imagine stuff while you're masturbating, but it's not okay to actually play out your fantasies or go and be a 'peeping tom'.
It's okay to want to look nice but if you use botox you're superficial.
It's okay to have secrets but it's not okay to lie.
It's okay if you can't concentrate from time to time but it's not normal to have ADHD.
It's okay to blend in with your environment but it's not okay to be a 'faker'.
It's okay to circumcise but it's not okay to abuse children.
It's okay to bend the rules but it's not okay to break them.
It's okay to value and respect your culture but it's not okay to be a racist.
It's okay to speak your mind but it's not okay to be mean.
It's okay to be smart but if you're very smart you're a nerd.
It's okay to be lonely but not to be alone
It's okay to be religious but not okay to be in a cult.
It's okay to believe in God but not okay to believe in the Spaghetti Monster
It's okay to want to change the world but not okay to actually do it.
It's okay to celebrate birthdays but it's not okay to be self-centered
It's okay to put down your pet but it's not okay to euthanize people
It's okay to eat animals but not people
It's okay to advertise but not okay to Mind Control
It's okay to 'be yourself' but farting in public is NOT DONE
It's okay to be normal but it's not okay to be ordinary
It's okay to be nice but it's not okay to be an asslicker
It's okay to win but not okay to lose
It's okay to enjoy food but it's not okay to be obese
It's okay to have a system where unemployment is inevitable, but if you're unemployed you're lazy
It's okay to talk to Jesus but not to yourself
It's okay to get someone drunk to get in their pants but it's not okay to rape someone

Related articles

• Day 267. The Reasons Behind Anorexia - Part 1
• The Reasons Behind Anorexia - Part 2. Day 268.
• Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Writing - Part 3
• The Reasons Behind Anorexia - Part 3. Day 269.

Day 24: Life as a CharActor

A memory came up of when I was in high school while I was listening to the ‘Real Communication’ Life Review Interview, where at some point when I was 16-17 years old, I actually dreaded the break times in between classes, especially lunch time as it was longer, as it would mean spending my time with my classmates. I never really formed any relationships with any of my friends as I never really opened myself up or shared any intimate points or experiences with them – so ultimately all my friendships were based on talking about “stuff” as sharing our likes and dislikes as gossiping about people, talking about music, movies, fashion, etc.

Where all we did every day was re-enforce and re-confirm our own characters within ourselves, using one another’s likes and dislikes to validate that “who we are” as ‘character’ is in fact ‘real’, and the ‘right character’ to be – and all other characters who are not like our character are wrong and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as character, based on personal likes and dislikes which emerged from memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out other people with the same character so we can share and validate our character and experience ourselves as ‘real’ and ‘right’, so we may feel comfortable within the Lie we live – where if more than one person also lives and shares this lie, then it must actually be the truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate other people’s likes and dislikes so they can in return validate my likes and dislikes so I can feel good about myself and delude myself that I am on the right path as the right character within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out my personal character entourage where I can feel comforted and validated as character and forget about what really happens within this world and inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-occupy myself within myself and my world with getting my daily ‘likes’ where I will act out my character according to what I believe the people I like, like – so I can get my daily confirmation that everything is fine and that I do not have to change or take responsibility for anything within my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life’s about being a character and getting other characters to agree with your character and then you Die – without seeing and realising that this is an absolutely stupid way to live one’s life as if it is one big popularity contest between one’s own character and the character of others, where it’s not even about the actual being but made-up make-belief characters based on memories as likes and dislikes which after Death simply disappear into thin air and in no way contributed to making this world a Better Place of All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made life within myself about who I am as character and how to best present my character, where I will be very meticulous about how I look and what I wear, literally pulling a character suit over myself and then believing this character/suit to be “who I am”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was not born with the characters which I believe myself to be now – which indicate that these characters are not Who I Am, but a creation of myself as myself which I adapted, as the Lie I live within this world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever stop and have a look at the various different characters existent within me and how they developed emerged – as I would have seen that they are based on memories as energy and likes and dislikes – and not in fact real, as they shift and change and do not stand the test of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lost myself within the various characters I created within myself – where I am so occupied about what character to be/wear now that I am completely oblivious to what goes on inside the world as the pain and suffering as consequence from a World System which is not Best for All, where half the people in the world suffer so those with money can live out and perfect their characters

I commit myself to identify all the various characters I have built around myself through which I accepted and allowed myself to live within separation – and to bring all these various characters back to myself and release myself from my own creation in separation through Self Forgiveness, Self Correction and Breath within every moment

I commit myself to investigate what characters I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within – to pin point the memories from which the characters emerged and let go of these memories so I can empower myself to live here in the moment instead of recycling the past

I commit myself to show how humans have currently only “lived” within and through characters as a form of entertainment where one uses those close to oneself to validate and feed the Lie one lives so one can feel comfortable enough to ignore and neglect the real hardship and abuse existent within this world as consequence of us behaving as CharActors instead of Care Takers as what’s Best for All Life

I commit myself to investigating all the various relationships and friendships I have and have had within my life and see how they contributed to my character building within myself and to let go of these relationships so I may stand as Care Taker as a responsible human being who will act within the Best Interest of All Life instead of not being able to see further than one’s own character and live a Lie in complete separation

Day 21: Back Chat – Nothing has Changed – Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my back chat my permission to do with me as it wants in terms of how I will experience myself during my day and shifting from mood to mood

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices inside my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that back chat is valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see back chat as a part of “Who I Am” and what makes me – ME – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to individuality and uniqueness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that no-one is unique as we are all just pre-programmed organic robots following our back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the voices inside my head

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having voices inside one’s head is disturbing and should be checked out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal to have thoughts running inside one’s head that no-one else can hear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone should have the right to ‘privacy’ as ‘back chat’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this implies that everyone should be allowed to have their private room where they can abuse and have back stabbing thoughts about one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have split myself where I am one person on the outside and another within my back chat as my secret mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my back chat keeps me safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my back chat provides me with guidance and structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only ‘guidance’ my back chat provides me is how to remain within my limited bubble of reality and not change into a person who acts within the interest of what is Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my back chat will only ever keep me within a closed loop where I always end up at the same point and never ever move or expand myself within me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop my back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the same back chat patterns over and over again, day by day – even though I know where this pattern goes, all the thoughts that is going to come next after the initial initiating thought and how I am going to just come back to the same spot and later repeat the same cycle all over again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that each time I participate within a pattern and repeat it, I am only making it harder for myself to work through the particular point as each repetition is another layer being added within myself which I will later have to remove – instead of seeing and realising that if I simply stop and not participate within back chat, there are no layers to be added that need to be removed later – which allows me then to work with what is already here, which is already plenty to work with in terms of walking myself backwards and getting to a point of nothingness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I decide the direction, duration and difficulty level of my own process within every breath within the decision to either breathe effectively or not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that Desteni has been repeating the same message, the same principle over and over again throughout all the years – where nothing has changed except the words used from time to time – where each time a new word is used to describe the same thing I accept and allow myself to be moved and be motivated to “take myself on” instead of me moving myself within the understanding of the core, base, principle of the message which hasn’t changed in any way whatsoever – yet I have not moved myself to apply it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within the understanding of the Desteni message

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by energy, where each time apparently a “new point” opens up – which is the same point under a different name – I will accept and allow myself to be moved and “get back in there” – instead of seeing and realising that nothing has changed in fact and that this movement is self-deception as it was initiated from an outside source instead of me moving myself within the understanding of what has to be done and what is Best for All Life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if after all these years I am still not applying the basic Desteni principles such as breathing in every moment and stopping any thoughts, emotions and feelings inside myself within every moment: that there is something seriously wrong with my capability of doing simple things as these are very simple steps/guidelines to stick to yet I have not disciplined myself to apply these within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am only compromising myself within not applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up justifications and excuses as to why I am not applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and dishonour breath through expecting my human physical body to work and function for me unconditionally 24/7 without giving it a moment’s consideration and being here with and as my human physical body to support me within every single moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I will resort to breath within those moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined as “difficult’ and those moments/experiences which I do not want to experience – but where I will not breathe effectively within every single moment of my day and in those moments where I experience myself as “good” as these are moments/experiences that I do not want to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breath selectively only in those moments where I want to change instead of being here as breath within every single moment within the consideration of what’s Best for All and not my limited self-interest desires and wants

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I won’t get anywhere as long as I am selective in terms of what I like and what I dislike – where both polarities require to be addressed but where I will be more engaged towards stopping the “bad”, “negative” experiences and not give much attention to the “good”, “positive” experiences

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is useless to address the “bad” if one is not going to address the “good” as both are sides of the same coin

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot expect myself to change COMPLETELY if I am going to be selective about what I want and don’t want to change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have been wasting my time

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to GET REAL

Self-Forgiveness and Commitment Statements to follow within next Blog