Day 138: Move or Be Moved

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions

When and as I see myself wanting to speak and react to this within expecting/anticipating conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself into anticipating a particular reaction to me speaking based on memories of the past and so I commit myself to stop anticipating the future based on the past and express myself here unconditionally

When and as I see myself calculate whether I should speak or not based on my perception and interpretation of my environment where I scan/measure for the possibility of friction/conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitation of self-expression based on fear and that I will never be able to live without compromise if my expression is limited/contingent on something else and so I commit myself to place expression in the function of expression itself and commit myself to express myself unconditionally within the starting point of what is best for all

When and as I see myself manage my movement and expression in relation to my environment in terms of possible inputs as reactions causing reactions within me – where I want to avoid certain inputs and seek out other – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no self-movement and no self-direction existent within this as I am merely manipulating myself and my inner reality within placing myself as less than life and a slave to reactions and so I commit myself to walk here breath by breath and express myself unconditionally and remove the layers of automation based on reaction within me so I can walk here as Life

When and as I see myself holding back on speaking in favour of avoiding conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that accepting and allowing just this singular point within me indicates that I cannot be trusted as this pattern indicates that when it comes down to it I will pick energy/reaction over Life and so I commit myself to self-expression and to push through fear and energy reaction and stick to breath

When and as I see myself justify suppression within not speaking within the belief that doing something or not doing something if it means being able to avoid conflict/friction/fear is totally okay – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is how I sabotage myself into not changing and so I commit myself to stop my excuses and to push through fear and actually change

I commit myself to place myself over fear as self-limitation and express myself as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation as I see and realise that every moment I hold back and not speak in the name of fear I am stabbing myself in the back which is not something I want to live by

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 136: Walking Back in Time
• Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Day 229: Learned Helplessness Character - Dimensional Template

Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

When and as I see myself receiving an aggravated reply from someone and react to this input within anxiety and fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to let energy determine who I am both within and without and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body until the energy dissipates

When and as I see myself reacting to me experiencing fear and anxiety as a reaction to receiving an aggravated reply from someone – within wanting to go into the point of ‘it’s better not to speak’ or ‘I could have avoided this if I didn’t speak’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘not speaking’ is merely circumventing the issue which is myself and my acceptance and allowance of fear and anxiety to exist within and as me and allow it to determine who I am and the direction I take and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself as my human physical body -- let go of the thought and commit myself to work through the fear and anxiety within self-responsibility

When and as I see myself believing that my reaction as ‘it is better not to speak’ from a starting point of fear is justifiable within the belief that ‘it was the only logical conclusion/step to take’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the event could have gone different ways and do not accept and allow myself to defend my self-limitation within protecting my existence as fear and anxiety and so I commit myself to stop this backchat/justifications and face my fear

When and as I see myself access the belief / thought that particular traits/characteristics of personality just ‘happened’ to me where I did not have any control or say in how I adopted these attitudes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have made the decision as a reaction to adopt these personality traits such as being shy/timid as a coping mechanism where I deliberately integrated these points within myself to protect my existence as fear and not question who I am and the world around me and so I commit myself to not take any beliefs for granted as beliefs of personality where I think that they just ‘happened’ to me and to walk these points out into specificity so that I can see/realise/understand how I have come to be this way and let go of these patterns of limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘not speaking’ is the only possible ‘solution’ to being faced with conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not a solution but a reaction based within fear and so I commit myself to disregard my backchat as ‘don’t speak’ and to ground myself within and as my human physical body and face the conflict/friction unconditionally and trust myself to be able to assess within the moment what would be the best direction to take

When and as I see myself reacting to a person being aggravated within fear and anxiety upon seeing the particular energy as conflict/friction being emanated from the person within believing/perceiving that this energy is bigger/more than me and placing myself within a position of less than/smaller as self-victimization and self-imposed inferiority – believing that I cannot handle such energy/such a situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely reacting and that it is my reaction as fear and anxiety which poses a problem to me effectively moving and directing myself and so I commit myself to stop my energetic experience of fear and anxiety towards energy of conflict/friction and ground myself within and as my human physical body and re-assess the situation from a common sense perspective

When and as I see myself reacting to conflict/friction within my environment within ‘weighing off’ my options as ‘should I not speak and avoid conflict/friction’ or ‘should I push through my fear and speak’ – where I want to opt for the fastest and shortest way out of conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have scripted such an escape-route pattern within and for myself as a coping mechanism to conflict/friction within my childhood where I did not understand what was going on and how to deal with both myself and the other and within my confusion decided to just ‘shut down’ as the easiest way to deal with the situation and took on the personality of ‘shy’ / ‘timid’ in order to avoid conflict/friction and thus never allowing myself to effectively face and walk through the point of conflict/friction and so I commit myself to stop this pattern of hiding and to speak when I see I can speak regardless of fear and anxiety as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• The Angels and Demons of God as ENERGY: DAY 226
• Day 228 - Working, the physical and emotion Part 1

Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was a child and expressed something towards an adult / parent / authority figure and have gotten an aggravated reply to which I reacted within experiencing fear and anxiety – have made the decision within myself that it is better not to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘it is better not to speak’ was the only ‘logical’ thing to do/ assume when being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authority figure – where I believed that this conclusion was the only possible way to respond to such an occurrence and that I as such had not actively participated within that decision – where ‘not speaking’ was the only possible outcome as something that just ‘happened’ to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me becoming timid and shy as a result of an event where I expressed something and got an aggravated reply -- did not just ‘happen’ – as the change happened within myself and not outside myself, and thus I played a role within becoming a timid person – where in the moment where the adult / parent / authoritative figure replied to me within an aggravated energy – I went into fear and made the deliberate decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ – not because ‘it was my only option’ – but because in that moment I made a deliberate decision to adopt the motto of ‘it’s better not to speak’ within preferring the option of avoiding conflict/friction such as in aggravation over unconditional self-expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen, realised, understood and admitted to myself that ‘it is better not to speak’ was not the only possible outcome to the scenario of being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authoritative figure – where I could have made the decision to not allow someone’s expression within an aggravated energy to affect me and to simply continue expressing myself, regardless of someone’s reaction to what I expressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of receiving an aggravated reply upon something I expressed and experiencing fear and anxiety within not understanding the other person’s response and the energetic charge it was carrying – have put myself in a position of victimization where I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards the other person, inferior towards aggravation and inferior to fear and anxiety – where I decided that these energetic charges were ‘more than’ me and that I could not handle standing in the face of them and within that made the decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ to avoid future scenarios where I would be faced with aggravation or other forms of conflict/friction and fear & anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being a timid and shy person was not something which just ‘happened’ to me – but a deliberate decision I made in favour of avoiding fear, anxiety and conflict/friction over valuing self-expression – and within the moment of deciding ‘that it is better not to speak’ and ‘surrendering’ to energy as fear, anxiety, aggravation have made this point a reality for myself – where from then on I experienced myself as a ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ person without effectively understanding how I manifested this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the moment where I made the decision that ‘it is better not to speak/express’ – have from then on integrated this point to a level of automation – where whenever I was faced with a situation of conflict or even just possible conflict – have experienced myself as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ – without seemingly understanding how this experience comes about as if it just ‘happens’ to me and I have ‘no control’ over it and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ in the face of (possible) conflict/friction as an automated response pattern was in fact a pattern I brought into being as myself within having made the decision ‘that it is better not to speak’ and within that effectively made that decision my reality

Related articles

• Day 107 - assertiveness - "problem points"
• Day 106 - Assertiveness - Part 3 - Self forgiveness
• Stress and Anxiety - Self Creation or Elite's Mind Control?
• Day 75: Relationships, desires and fears
• 234. Feeling Weak Today?
• 235. Intelligence = Profitable Props for the Ego

Day 130: Holding Myself Back

I noticed an interesting little behavioral pattern of mine the other day. I was sitting with another discussing things, where I saw a point that I wanted to share – but where instead of simply immediately speaking and sharing here, in the moment – I first held back and kind of ‘buzzed’ inside myself as I went back and forth between ‘should I or shouldn’t I’. I then ended up speaking (though it was more like a mumble and had to repeat myself), and right after I was done I would instinctively move the scarf up that I was wearing, so that it was covering my mouth.

This action was quite clear in its ‘symbolism’ (don’t know if it’s really ‘symbolism’, since it’s pretty straight forward), where I was literally ‘gagging myself’ with my scarf – where I doubted saying something, said it, and then gagged myself in way saying ‘ok shut up now’.

So I took note of this point to work on later, as this was quite interesting.

Then later, I was working on my pc trying to figure out how to best do something. As I was looking at it I had an idea, and right away I moved my scarf up over my mouth. I noticed what I did since I had just seen it previously in the conversation I had, but this time there was no-one else in the room to talk to, and yet I was ‘gagging myself’ – which I found to be a bit awkward. Looking at it now, in terms of how I experienced myself in the conversation and how I experienced myself working on my pc – the scarf covering thing starts making sense.

While in the conversation when I would see a point I wanted to share, it’s like this ‘bubbly’ feeling inside my chest, like a little fountain squirting water that would occur – and instead of flowing with it I would stop and doubt and then ‘mumble share it’ and quickly cover my mouth as if I had already regretted speaking. While working on the pc and seeing how I could do something from a particular angle, that same ‘bubbly’/’fountainy’ experience would come up – where I immediately became insecure about what I wanted to do / being not sure about it and cover my mouth with the scarf. So it was interesting to see that even though within the pc scenario there was no speaking involved, the same pattern occurred indicating that it’s just a general point in relation to self-expression and not just speaking (which I thought it was after the conversation I had).


So within the next few blogs I want to work on this point of how I immediately hold back and kind of make myself ‘crawl back’ inside myself in relation to expression and just who I am in general as this is a point that seems to always be present in whatever I do, and most of the time. And to then also further identify other ways within which this point comes through because I’ve noticed that it doesn’t so much come through in thoughts so it’s harder to catch, where it just kind of ‘happens’ and I ‘slip’ into it, where it’s predominantly a point that comes through within how I hold myself physically and what movements I make (such as the scarf) and has like a ‘low profile’ energy experience being coupled to it. It’s basically like a quiet program running in the background the whole time, just slightly buzzing so I can only pick up on it if I really slow myself down and breathe.

Related articles

• Day 109 - Assertiveness and the desire to be right
• Day 135 - Family: The Root of All Relationships
• 233. Are we Anxious because We Know We Lie All the Time?
• Day 180. Don't Lose Control!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 30: Fear of Speaking - Part 2

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation fully and unconditionally, but instead go into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- where when I want to say something which is not in line with what the other person just said, I access all my past memories of when I said something and the event did not play out the way I hoped -- where the person came back at me within an emotional charge, I took it personal and 'shut down' inside myself -- and so whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to say something which is 'against the grain' of what the other person just said -- I filter through all the memories which I use to manipulate myself into fear of speaking -- where I access the fear of 'oh no, what if that happens again' and within that decide not to speak out of fear of going through a similar experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the 'Fear of Speaking Character' whenever I want to say something which is not in line with what another just said and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in the moment because of the fear of some event happening -- is me diminishing myself and my self trust to direct myself appropriately in any given circumstance -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to direct myself 'appropriately' -- where this 'appropriately' is me being here in the moment as breath, hearing the words which are spoken and assessing them within practical common sense (instead of going into an emotional reaction of taking the words personal, having no clarity at all and shutting down inside myself) -- and formulating a reply within self-honest self-reflection within having evaluated the words which were spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other being becoming emotional/defensive -- because fear myself becoming emotional -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must play the 'energy game' where if one person goes into a particular energetic charge that this means that I also have to go into an energetic charge and accept ourselves as slaves to emotions/energy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one does not have to play the energy game -- as playing the energy game simply means that one is not yet accepting self responsibility within embracing self as the directive principle and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility for myself within being the directive principle in my life but instead chose to hide behind emotions and feelings so I apparently do not have to be accountable for my actions and decisions 'as I am but a mere victim of my fierce emotions'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot continue participating within the 'Not Speaking Character' as each time I participate within this character I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- which only shows how little self worth and self respect I have for myself within placing illusionary fears over my own self-respect

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this energetic pattern I enter as the 'Fear of Speaking Character' is going to take time to remove -- as it took time to build where every moment I decided to not speak in my life out of fear became a building block of this character and thus I have to deconstruct the 'Fear of Speaking Character' block by block, layer by layer, memory by memory and correct myself through practical application and practicing speaking even when I fear it so I may integrate a new pattern within myself which is me being here as the physical and simply speaking when speaking here and not let the mind override that which is real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prove myself wrong within unconditionally speaking and unconditionally walking through the experience no matter what the outcome/result may be and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have gift myself the opportunity to change and expand myself beyond my self imposed limitations within giving my life away to characters which I've accumulated over my lifetime, allowing characters to dictate every moment of my life instead of me taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up the mess I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become

Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1

Every once in a while I’ll go back and listen to my Tree of Life interview that was done five years ago – and every time (which is usually once a year lol) I watch it again, I’m just astonished at the accuracy of the information the being in the portal was sharing and how it is still after all these years: DEAD ON.
 

When I watched the interview for the first time, I remember not completely ‘getting it’ and going ‘Hmmm, okay…’ – but after about my first year in process I can really see how absolutely specific the points were which opened up, which only shows how completely unaware I used to be of my own existence and what I actually experience inside myself towards myself and the world in general. 

 One of the points mentioned in the interview was that of ‘Fear of Speaking’ and this is the point I want to take on (some more lol) within my next few blogs.

My fear of speaking basically comes from fear of conflict – where I want to say something but I won’t within the fear that the being will come at me and that I will get all emotional and not be able to produce a comeback – and where I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined this type of scenario ‘useless’ because then, even if I “speak my mind” the message would not have gone across and so I tell myself that I might as well not say anything because it’d just be a waste of time and I’d be embarrassing myself for nothing.

Then after the event has taken place and I decided to not speak my mind because of all these fears and ideas I have, I will go about and occupy my mind with the scenario, playing it over and over and over again, but this time with me “speaking my mind” and getting my message across and then also with me “speaking my mind” and the other person coming at me.

So this replay stuff inside my head then starts to accumulate and I actually start becoming angry within myself, angry at the person – and then as I keep on replaying it, it will suddenly just spiral out and all these other points will come up that I don’t like about that person and they will all just join up into one massive pile and be included in the whole replay session going on inside my head.  Then it either goes two ways: I get massive pains in my body and go ‘crap, what have I been doing’ (and this pain will usually only come later, after loooots and lots of accumulation) – or – I just get tired of all the bullshit in my head and stop myself before it gets to the pain part lol.

And it’s interesting how I will sabotage myself to just not get to the point of speaking. By the backchat focus being constantly on ‘the other person’ and getting all these other things involved ‘about the other person’ (and then repeating the same shit over and over)  -- I will in the end come to the point where I really believe that how I experienced myself in that moment and why I didn’t speak was all ‘because of that other person’ – where I now completely change and alter my memory of how things actually happened through backchat, that I fail to see that it was ME all along. It was ME who decided not to speak and the other person never, ever had anything to do with MY decision to not speak. Yet, somehow I will go and blame that person for me not speaking and how I experience myself which is completely disrespectful and unacceptable.

Another way I’ll sabotage myself is by telling myself that “since I have all this backchat and ‘mind-talk’ about the event that happened and the thing I wanted to say – it must mean that what I wanted to say wasn’t really relevant and so I shouldn’t bring it up at all and just forget about it!” – yes, very clever suppression/manipulation technique I developed there.

That reasoning is completely beside the point because the only reason why I am having this whole anger experience and backchat is because I suppressed speaking in the first place. The back chat was not about ‘what I wanted to say’, but about how I didn’t say anything, and within that moment not being true to myself -- and then me going into an experience of anger --  which is really me just being angry at myself for being untruthful towards myself -- while at the same time trying to deflect the point from myself through blaming others, having to go into an experience of physical pain before I will go and stop myself and ask: What the fuck am I doing?

It’s sad to see how us humans go into all this weird mind shit just we can hide from ourselves and make sure that we don’t ever change – it’s time to stop.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements to Follow

Day 15: Self as Creator - Fear and Me - Part 5

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to stop fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from fear within not trusting myself to stop fear as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I create fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as the creator of fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal to my creation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fear is self-induced

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this implies that I can direct fear as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my creation as fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame outside/external sources and circumstances for me creating fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have taken the point back to myself and take responsibility for what I accept and allow within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and stop fear through thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that trying to stop the mind through the mind doesn't work

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand by and trust in breath -- here, in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that breath is the only stable point within life and it is the only common sense point to stick to within living life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the physical and breath

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is the physical which is going to support me within stopping myself as the mind as fear and not the mind lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one day, the fear within and as me is not just going vanish just like that -- as it took a process of habitual conditioning and accumulation over time to integrate the fear within and as me and connect it to all the various trigger points which I accepted and allowed to exist within myself -- and thus it is going to take time through accumulation within daily application and consistency to disintegrate the fear within and as me and replace it with practical common sense consideration within what is Best for All Life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I imposed this affliction unto myself within a process of creation and that it is thus going to take an equal process of creation to re-create myself in a way that is Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is up to me to face my fears, day by day, breath by breath until it's done

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there are no quick fixes -- as this would be cheating and not taking full self-responsibility for one's creation

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I will be facing fear over and over again -- each time being faced with a test and that it is up to me to work through it each and every single time -- to prove to myself in fact that I can stand -- which should not be a problem, since if I can work through it once, I can work through it and face it no matter how many times it comes up -- within self-trust


When and as I see myself experiencing fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that breath and my physical body are here to assist me in grounding the energy I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as -- and thus I utilize breath to ground myself and allow the energy to flow out of my body into the Earth

When and as I see myself being discouraged and having thoughts like "What? Fear again?!" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that a creation process within time accumulation and consistency took place to create and embed this fear within and as me -- and it is thus going to take an equal process of creation to disintegrate the fear within and as me -- and within that I commit myself to be patient with myself and stand by breath -- moment by moment -- until it is done

When and as I see myself panicking in the face of fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am in fact the creator which means that I am the directive principle allowing fear to roam free within me -- and that this same directive principle as myself can thus cease fear as well

I commit myself to do what it takes to undo the mess we've created within this world within the consideration that it took time to create this mess and that it is thus also going to take time to clean it up

I commit myself to move myself to do whatever it takes to get over this mess once and for all -- no matter how long it takes

I commit myself to stand by breath and my physical body and to assist and support my physical body the same way as it assists and supports me