Showing posts with label personality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personality. Show all posts

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Day 228: How We Worship False Images & are Self-Blasphemous

I was investigating a pattern of Self-Compromise within myself where I went back to childhood memories to trace the origin of this pattern and what motivated me to take on this pattern within my life and acting it out.

As I was walking a mini-Mind Construct* on this point, I could see how and why I had allowed Self-Compromise to become such a big part of my life. While I currently experience Self-Compromise to be a ‘very big part of me’, I could see while walking my Mind Construct, that this hadn’t always been so.

I could identify the specific moment in childhood where I had made a particular decision about a direction I would take in my life / a particular ‘role’ or ‘purpose’ that I had assigned to myself which had Self-Compromise has a direct outflow/consequence.

This role/purpose that I had assigned to myself, had been made in separation of myself – where I was aspiring to embody a particular idea/image.

I could see within opening up the point further in my Mind Construct, that in every moment of participating in this role and giving into Self-Compromise, how I was feeding and growing this construct/idea – where initially I as a child had been aware of the decision I had made, and was aware that this ‘is not me’ – to over time continuously participating in the point to where it superseded the ‘real me’ and where I kind of started to forget about this decision that I had made in the past to participate in this construct, and where as time progressed even more, and my ‘real me’ had now been effectively completely suppressed by this construct and others that I had taken on on the way – I now believed that this ‘idea’/’role’ I took on *was me*, and that this was in fact the ‘only real me’ and only ever was and will be ‘the real me’.

As I was applying my Self Forgiveness on this point, it struck me how I throughout my life had actively lived out the point of ‘Worshipping a False Image’ and ‘Serving a False God’ ( because after all, if we are made in the image and likeness of “God”, it means that ‘we are’ “God”). Where I actively served a false image/idea of myself, believing it to be ‘the real deal’ and within doing so, not serving myself as Life, but serving myself as the Mind. This would be: Self-Blasphemy, as we are insulting ourselves and treating ourselves with a great deal of lack of respect within pursuing and maintaining our ‘false images’.

So this was quite cool to see, once again, how we create our limitations and believe ourselves to be all these ideas and images that when you get to the core of it = are actually not. And how within seeing/revealing this creation process for yourself, the simplicity of the realization that you do not have to live-out this particular point or pattern, because you can see/realise that you were never ‘it’ in the first place = is just awesome.



* A Mind-Construct is a specific structured method of Self-Investigation taught within SRA as part of the Desteni I Process

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!

Last night before going to sleep, I was looking at what I can remember between my years of 0 to 7 – as those are your ‘blue print’ years, and within those 7 years lie the memories you want to primarily work with – because everything that happens after those first seen years is merely the result/outflow of what is placed within one’s first seven years.

I was getting a bit worried because I couldn’t immediately pin-point events/memories related to specific ages, or able to have a general remembrance of what happened within year 0 to 1 and 1 to 2 and 2 to 3 and 3 to 4 and so on – it was all just one big ‘blank space’, with here and there some memories of pictures coming up (like remembering actual photographs that my parents have in their photo albums) that could tell me ‘how I looked like’ – but I could not infer from those memories as pictures what actually ‘happened’ in those years / timelines.

So it’s a bit strange that I know that those 7 years happened, but in my mind as memory, there seems to be no direct ‘evidence’ of this, as if someone hacked into my data drives and wiped my memory lol.

Then after looking at it some more, whether really not ‘anything’ would come up – two memories surfaced and opened up. I wasn’t able to say what age or around what time these memories took place, but I’m pretty sure I was seven or younger.

Both these memories revolved around some type of conflict experience between myself and my parents, where I did something for myself which in their eyes was ‘wrong’ and now I had to be punished/taught a lesson.

What stood out for me in both these memories, was that it wasn’t per se about me getting a ‘Lesson in Morals ’, as much as it was about how Money determined my parents’ perception and thus their experience, which then in turn also obviously had an effect on / determined their relationship with me and my development as a human being.

In the first memory I had taken money from my parents while we were on holiday. We were staying at this type of resort place / park where you have lots of little cottages together and restaurant type buildings and space for kids to play. So it was a very ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ place for kids to wander around by themselves, because it’s a protected environment. They had a little shop there, like a souvenir shop of some kind, which had the most BEAUTIFUL candles I had ever seen, they were simply MAGNIFICENT and I just had to have one, how could I not have one, I mean it was just like ‘woah’. My parents weren’t very interested in the candles and just wanted to get some cheap postcards so send to friends and family to show off how much ‘fun’ we were having at this beautiful holiday place. I knew my parents weren’t going to buy it or let me buy it because they’d always been full of shit when it came down to money and me wanting things, where they would never buy me anything no matter how long I begged (and I could beg, on my knees, in the shop) – unless it had some form of ‘educational’ purpose.

So, knowing that I wasn’t going to get it through the manipulative way of begging and whining, I went for a more direct approach. One day when things were nice and quiet in the cottage, I took money from my parents and walked to the little shop. I didn’t have much information about money at that stage, in terms of ‘what is expensive’ and ‘what is not expensive’ and those things. All I knew is that things have a price tag which has a number on it, and if you have pieces of paper with numbers on it that add up to the number on the price tag = you can get it.

So I took the money (which was back then also in a different currency so I really had no clue if I had taken a lot or not) and ventured to the shop to buy myself a candle. They had these really awesome and nice candles in the shape of horses, but my money numbers didn’t add up to the number on the price tag. So then I looked at other things which were nice for which I did have enough numbers, and ended up picking this beautiful flower candle, where the petals were like flowing like a waterfall from the center of the flower with the candle wick standing up from the center. It was also pretty huge (to me), as I was mostly used to those little ‘ tea lights’. And I mean, the ‘freedom’ I experienced of being able to grab the candle, take it to the counter, give the cashier the money, and walk out with the candle – it was like woah, amazing! And so simplistic at the same time.

My parents found the candle pretty quick. It was a fragile thing so I couldn’t just ‘hide it anywhere’ and being in a small cottage with 5 people, there was not much space to hide it.

Turned out it was ‘outrageously expensive’, and what I had done was a ‘big deal’. Then at some point, I think because my mother could see my father getting enraged, she said that I must have bought it for them as a gift – and that because I don’t have my own money, I had to take it from them and then would ‘give it back’ in the form of the candle. So she gave it like an ‘innocent’ and ‘sweet’ twist/turn to the story and I went with it because it seemed to calm my dad down. My mom really liked the candle as well though, I remember my dad saying that we should go back to the shop to get a refund and where I could see my mom grab on tighter to the candle and come up with some freaking excuse as to why it was better if she just kept it. I’m pretty sure that candle is still in her bedroom to this day, and never used so it could maintain its magnificence lol.

Then in the second memory I wanted to have a nice calendar like the ones you see in stationary shops – but we never bought anything from those type of shops because it was ‘out of our league’. So then I went, okay, what are my options? So I went and designed my own calendar on a then prehistoric version of Microsoft Word, where you could pick your design and then add the images you want for that month. So I looked for the coolest Britney Spears desktop/wallpaper images and compiled myself an awesome Britney calendar which I printed out. Again – my parents found out, and were angry. I was confused, because I didn’t take any money and I didn’t buy a calendar behind their backs – what’s the problem this time?! It was the ink… I used a lot of ink with printing the calendar/images and ink is very expensive and now they are going to have to buy more ink, why do I keep screwing them over like this, etc., etc. So then I pulled the whole ‘but I am so innocent, I did it for someone else, I am just trying to be nice / good girl’ twist, where I told my parents that I had done it for a boy’s birthday present (he did have his birthday soon and he loved Britney). So this again helped to ‘soften the blow’ but I was getting the picture that whatever I do basically costs money and can be problematic. Again I ended up not getting what I wanted as I gave the calendar away to the boy to ‘get with the story’.

At first glance, both these memories seem to be about my relationship dynamic with my parents, where I do things that are ‘wrong’ and need to some ‘sorting out’. But in the end, what it is really about is money. Money determined my parents experience in every moment, and within doing so it determined the very nature/essence of the relationship we had, and consequently would determine who I would become within myself in how I coped with such relationships and information.

So even when we are looking at unraveling the mysteries of ourselves and our ‘psychology’ – the line ‘Follow the Money’ to get answers is just as applicable. Follow the money, investigate the money dimension within your Life and you’ll find out how come you are who you are today.

So within my next blogs I want to use this angle to dig into memories from between 0 and 7 years old, and obviously to also work on the memories I have written out here today.

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Monday, 19 November 2012

Day 115: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 112: Food Preferences - Body or Mind?
Day 113: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 1  
Day 114: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 2
 
 
When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘because I just ate cucumber and my opinion of repulsion is matched by a reaction from my body to puke it out – my opinion must be real’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I already know the origin of this pattern, and that this pattern merely reveals to me the extent to which we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to abdicate our responsibility to the mind, where the mind is integrated and infused into the body to such an extent that it can even create physical reactions such as repulsion to particular foods, where the body merely obeys the mind in its belief of self-righteousness. And so I commit myself to stop my self-belief and move myself to eat the foods I perceive as ‘not tasty’ to assist and support myself to remove the emotional layers connected to them

When and as I see myself participate within thought patterns consisting of “I like this food” or “I don’t like that food” from a starting point of taste – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these preferences are based on the past as memories and have got nothing to do with ‘who I am’ and ‘what makes me unique’ and has no particular value but the limitation it imposes on myself and my participation within reality and so I commit myself to stop participating within thought patterns of “I like this food” and “I don’t like that food” and ground myself within and as breath in and as my human physical body

I commit myself to challenge my taste preferences, whether it be cucumber or any other food that I dislike as well as any particular foods that I really like or favour – and to investigate within specificity the origin of these likes and dislikes and disengage them through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application
When and as I see myself holding a grudge towards anything or anyone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this grudge originated from somewhere and indicate a point that has not yet been dealt with effectively and specifically and so I commit myself to investigate the point within myself and let it go

When and as I see myself believing that because I don’t like some food, and have tried it again and I still don’t like it – that this means that my judgment towards the food is valid – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I cannot just ‘expect’ that ‘all of a sudden’ my preferences will change, as this is decision as self-movement that I have to make for myself and practice, which I what I commit myself to do when faced with not liking a particular food’s taste

When and as I see myself experiencing an intense experience of disgust towards food such as cucumber, or anything or anyone for that matter – and where instead of investigating this and questioning it, immediately, blindly accept and allow it as ‘Oh okay, this is part of I who I am” and integrate it as part of my self-definition – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I was not born with such experiences towards anything or anyone, but was created at some place at some time and so I commit myself to investigate my experience and remove this as a layer of self-definition within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Writing and Application

When and as I see myself experience a like or dislike towards a particular food – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience was created at some point and that unless I ask myself where such experiences come form and question them, they will simply continue to exist within and as me, and so I commit myself to ask the right questions so that I can answers and to not take anything for granted

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Day 114: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 112: Food Preferences - Body or Mind? 
Day 113: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was sitting in the kitchen and making / having lunch and experiencing intense overall disgust towards my sister while the smell of cucumber was around -- have connected the cucumber as being an inherent part of my sister since this was one of the foods she regularly ate -- and within that redirected my experience of hate/disgust towards cucumber -- where from then on, each time I would smell or taste cucumber, I would experience an intense experience of disgust towards the cucumber and want to puke it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a complete zoned out zombie robot that simply takes in all the various stimuli in the environment and connects it to the image and experience I have before me -- and lock in the various senses to the image and experience, where these are now closely interconnected within myself so that each time of one these features pops up in my reality, I reload the memory within myself and experience the same energy as emotion/thought/feeling as I did then

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever before connect my experience of the disgust towards the cucumber to the memory of experiencing disgust towards my sister -- after all, I was there when it happened yet I accepted and allowed myself to be completely unaware of my inner experience and inner workings of the mind, where I take each experience on 'face value' without questioning it -- where I end up believing things such as "I hate cucumber" without ever questioning where this experience/opinion comes from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because an experience is 'intense' -- that it must be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 'disgust' I experience within smelling and tasting cucumber, is coming DIRECTLY from the cucumber and that I have no part, no say in this experience whatsoever

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to 'connect the dots' before -- where when I looked at it the other day, the experience back then towards my sister and the experience towards the cucumber was a 'perfect match' -- where I never made the connection between the two and believed these to be separate points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the cucumber the object of my hate and disgust, even long after my relationship with my sister changed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been reluctant to teach myself to eat cucumber, within the belief that 'this is just the way it is' and within that in fact being reluctant to change 'who I am' as 'who I believe myself to be', where "I hate / don't like cucumber" was just another 'trait' that I made my own that I did not want to give up, because I saw it as being specific to 'who I am' and 'what makes me, me'

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Day 105: Identity Crisis: What's the Use?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 104: Identity Crisis: Am I Real or Am I the Product of Behavioural Conditioning?



In my previous blogpost I was looking at some points according to which I had defined myself, as particular likes and dislikes -- and then looking at whether these points are actually valid in terms of "defining me", as it turns out that they are purely contingent and dependent on one's environmental surroundings/upbringing.

I mentioned things like going out, music, books, etc. But there are other points one can look at.

For instance, I was born in Belgium, so that would make me a 'Belgian'. I was brought up within a catholic religious context, so that would make me a 'Catholic Christian'. I was brought up as someone's child, someone's daughter, someone's sibling -- which implies a specific relationship to the people in my family in contrast to everyone else in the world.

But what if I was born in let's say Israel, and was brought up within a Jewish religious context. Then, I'd be 'Jewish'. But again, is this of any value? Is this really real?

As a child, we absorb all the information from our surrounding and from that create a blueprint from which we further specify and develop a particular personality.

Depending on where you are born and within what context you were brought up within, your personality / self-identity will change. It's kind of strange, because I've established that these points are completely random, where 'who I am' as 'who I believe myself to be' is dependent on conditioning from my external environment -- and this 'who I am', changes according to one's environment. So I can't say that because I was born in Belgium, that I am 'a Belgian', as this is just an idea, something I can tell myself to be but has no particular value. Yet, we take points like this and believe that these points of self-identity have meaning and value.

In Belgium for instance, especially in de Flanders part of the country -- we don't like people from the Netherlands. We call them 'Cheeseheads' and other names. But I mean, they're only Dutch because they were born in the Netherlands, they didn't really have any say in it -- there was no 'free choice' or 'free will' involved. So it's not really justifiable to attack other people, just because they have a different nationality (which is the basis of the Flanders not liking the Dutch, it's not substantiated other than it being a point of separation based on nationality).

So we have all these ideas about ourselves, about 'who we are' and 'what we like' and what our 'place' is in the world -- and these ideas are in essence, illusionary. But have a look at what we do with these ideas: Because we believe that we are of 'this religion', we will go and attack other people because they are of 'that religion'. That's like, stupid. You could have been a member of the religious group you're attacking if you had been born there, so what is the point?

If we look at what Life currently revolves around, as playing out 'who we are' as a personality -- it's actually quite disturbing. Because "I like this and that" and I am "this type of person", I will only buy these brands, and only buy that type of music, and I will only get along with people who are compatible with the identity that I've constructed over the years. So then we get to a point where we have a society based on consumerism, where everyone buys shit according to 'what they like', and it's not even what they really "like", it's only what they BELIEVE they like based on all the various inputs received from the environment, originating from parents, school, friends, media, ... If you look at it, it's really INSANE, and this is just insanity playing out on a personal level.

On a global level, we have ideas going on of "I am of this nation" and "I am of that nation" and "my nation is better than yours and I am going to beat you economically". So you end up with a world, where countries are competing, dominating, warring, killing, abusing -- and for what? Based on what? Based on these stupid little ideas that we've created about ourselves when we were kids, which developed into ideas as 'who we believe ourselves to be'.

All these little ideas and beliefs we've created about ourselves, have no purpose whatsoever, but to perpetuate consumerism, competition, domination -- and so in the end: Inequality.

Because what are all these little ideas saying that we have about ourselves? From the small ideas that "I like this music" to the "big" ideas of "I am going to exploit your country, simply because I can and it will make MY people more prosperous" -- all of these ideas are saying: This is who I am, and I am NOT like you -- we are separate and who I am is the right way to be, it's the better way to be -- and I will do whatever in my power to make sure that I am alright, and I don't give a crap what happens to anyone else -- because after all YOU'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!

But here's the catch: We're not different. We are all human beings, we were all born into this world, we were all babies, children once. And as we were children, we absorbed information from our environment, and created ideas about ourselves. And while the ideas we have about ourselves may differ, we are in the end still exactly the same.

Check out the DIP Lite course, a free course where one can investigate the identity one has built up for oneself, and find out what is really real.
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Thursday, 8 November 2012

Day 104: Identity Crisis: Am I Real or Am I the Product of Behavioural Conditioning?

Today as I was walking outside I was looking at the point of 'who I am' as 'who I believe myself to be' as my 'identity' or 'personality' if you like.

I looked at how I would define myself in terms of my self-identity as all the things that I like and dislike, and the things I am good and not good at (where I was specifically looking at it from the perspective of who I was a few years ago, as it was then more prominent/clear).

So, I would for instance note that, I like music, I like watching movies, I like going out to concerts, I like reading, I like wearing particular style of clothing, I was into art/graphics, ...

Then I looked at, okay -- where do these points come from? And I saw that they mostly originated from either my family surrounding and/or friends/school surrounding.

Reading was encouraged at home, my brother and sister listened to the music I liked, my clothing I copied from my school/friends...

If I had been born in a a different family, a different environment -- would I still have been the same person? Would I still like the same things? Would I still be good and interested in the same things?

So then, looking at the points that we usually look at when we look at 'who we are' and 'what defines us' -- these points become pretty irrelevant, because they are purely coincidental.

If I had been a feral child, growing up with wolves -- would I like the same music if I heard it? No -- because it wasn't part of my upbringing, it wasn't part of my environment. So, when I say "I like this and that music" -- what does this really mean, because I've just established that this 'like' is purely coincidental, in terms of being related to where I was brought up ( which is coincidental, you don't know where you're going to end up being born). I can't really say that "I" like this music, as it being an inherent part of 'who I am', because it could have easily been otherwise - so it's not valid. So is it then of any value, is it of any relevance? Yet, I will judge people and form opinions about them based on what music they like, what clothes they wear, etc. -- which isn't really fair, considering that 'who they are' as a personality and their personal identity is also just the product of their environment.

So who am I? What makes me, me? What's the purpose of Life if not following my personality which I've built up / accumulated throughout my life?


To be continued...


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Friday, 28 September 2012

Day 64: Holding on to Myself

This Blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not experiencing anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an energy experience to guide me / tell me what to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be embalmed within some form of energy experience as feeling/emotion/thought in order to ‘make sense’ of my reality without seeing and realising that within the very moment I trust feelings/thoughts/emotions to ‘make sense’ of my reality I am in fact exercising judgment within interpreting what is happening inside me and outside of me as my environment and within that thus actually ‘make something up’ instead of directly seeing how things operate/function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here without any thoughts/feelings/emotions as that is all that I have ever known / trusted – and so I fear stepping out of comfort zone as energy and step into the unknown/undiscovered within fear of losing myself as energy as personality as ‘who I believe myself to be’ – without seeing/realising/understanding that ‘who I am’ as emotions/feelings/thoughts is merely the product/result of the accumulation of the past as memories and as such does not ‘mean’ anything or does not have any particular ‘value’ – because if my past was different my memories would have been different and as such my thoughts/feelings/emotions and so my personality/Identity as ‘who I believe myself to be’ would be completely different – and so there is no point holding on to self as identify as it is merely brought about by coincidence and is in no way absolute, stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of identity/personality as ‘individuality’ within the belief that I will be ‘lost’ and ‘not know what to do’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within holding on to identity/personality my behaviour/actions/conduct will always be limited to serve and preserve my self-interest as the continued existence of my Character as ‘who I believe myself to be’ – and will thus never take the step/make the decision to look beyond my own limited existence as a Character and thus not move myself to change my actions/behaviour/conduct to facilitate a world/existence that is best for all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that as long as I am here living within the starting point of preserving myself as a Character I will never stand up for what is Real – and since I have already seen that my character is simply the conglomeration of memories as past experiences which together form a body as personality which is completely random and determined by where you were born and what social/political/cultural/economic environment one was born into – it has no specific value and might as well be given up as it will never stand the test of time


When and as I see myself going into fear when seeing that I am not experiencing anything as energy as thought/feeling or emotion – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I do not require such energy to exist and that these points are merely in place to ensure my continued survival as a limited Character which will never look beyond itself – and so I commit myself stop the fear, ground myself within and as Breath, letting the fear flow out – and allow myself to look at what is actually relevant and acting accordingly instead of trusting/being dependent on energy as experience as emotions/feelings/thoughts to tell me what to do

When and as I see myself being ‘wobbly’ and ‘unstable’ within seeing that I am not experiencing anything and believing that I need to experience something to tell me what to do – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that any experience of the mind as energy as thoughts/feelings and emotions are always limited to what has been before as the past as where they originate from – and so if I allow myself to determine my direction and movement by energy as thoughts/feelings and emotions I will never grow and expand myself but only further lock/encage myself within my already limited existence as energy – and so I commit myself to let go of this fear and ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and to trust myself to behave myself according to principle as what is Best for All Life instead of energy s what is Best for My Character only

When and as I see myself not experiencing anything in particular and believing that I must quickly find something to experience within the believe that I require experience as energy as thoughts/feelings and emotions to ‘make sense’ of my reality – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘making sense’ is ‘fabricating sense’ as creating an illusion and so I commit myself to snap myself out of my fear and ground myself here within and as the physical as breath and trust COMMON SENSE as what here and does not have to be ‘made up’

When and as I see myself fearing ‘not being me anymore’ as identity/personality/character – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this ‘me’ is merely the conglomeration of memories where this identity/character/personality as ‘who I believe myself to be’ is the product/result/embodiment of and has no real value, as it is purely coincidental as if I had lived another life under different circumstances me as character would have been different, and so ‘who I am’ as ‘who I believe myself to be’ as no real value and is only here to entertain/distract myself from embracing myself as the Real Character as my Human Physical Body and so I commit myself to stop my fear within the realisation that I have valued the wrong character and ground myself within and as Breath as my Human Physical Body as the only thing about my personal existence which is Real

I commit to show that no Character is of any value which is clearly revealed/shown within all the various Portal interviews with beings from the Afterlife – where beyond the point of Death they are stripped of all Personality as ‘who they believed themselves to be’ and ‘who others believed them to be’ – and all that is left is a single voice as Principle, where no matter what being comes through the Portal the message is always the same as Equality and Oneness as What is Best for All
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