Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
Day 151: My Way or the Highway


When and as I see myself go into a reactive mode of fear and anxiety in relation to expression – where I fear getting ‘negative feedback’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this fear response was built and automated through the past as memories and through my acceptance and allowance of taking feedback personal, where instead of investigating I go into a mode of self-pity and self-victimization and hiding and so I commit myself to breathe through the fear and anxiety and unconditionally express myself and work with any feedback which may come forward from the starting point of self-support and self-assistance

When and as I see myself go into a reactive mode of fear and anxiety in relation to expression within fearing the past re-occurring – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the fear and anxiety is indicating to me a point of self-dishonesty within me which I have not yet dealt with effectively, where I go into fear in relation to expression and expecting negative feedback because I know that I have not changed with regards to past feedback and so it is very possible that I will get the same feedback again and thus I commit myself to look at the points that I know require changing but that I have not addressed within holding on to my belief of who I am as self-limitation and change myself in fact

When and as I see myself go into a reactive mode of fear and anxiety in relation to expression – where I want to hold back and not speak within the fear of receiving feedback indicating a requirement of change – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that as long as I remain in self-judgment and give in to self-judgment I will always remain limited and not grow in my living application and so I commit myself to accept that I am not yet Perfection as Life and that I will be faced with feedback indicating to me that I require to change and to embrace these points within self-support and move myself to Perfect myself and I commit myself to let go of the negative energetic charge that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to the point of ‘feedback’

When and as I see myself go into a reactive mode of fear in relation to expression and hold back within fear of having to change – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that such an experience indicates to me that I have not yet fully and completely committed myself to Self-Change for what is Best for All Life but am still holding on to my limited individuality as self-interest and so I commit myself to Self Change as What is Best for All Life and to work through any points which are not aligned to the Principle of Equality as what is Best for All within myself and my reality until it is Done

When and as I see myself perceive timid and shy people / as well as myself within a point of ‘poor thing’ and believing it to be an innocent manifestation -- I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that any form of personality trait is always embedded within Self interest as I have walked this point for myself and have seen that things are not as innocent as they seem, and that there are many dimensions and angles to always be considered within a singular point – and so I commit myself to investigate my relationship and judgments towards all forms of personality traits whether positive, negative or neutral to see how they operate and where they come from so that I can work with what they actually consist of and do not allow value judgments to keep me from working through particular points simply because I created an idea about things and within that disregarded/looked over things within myself
 

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Day 129: Doomsday is Upon us!


 
So, 2012 Doomsday is going to be hitting us soon.
We've had plenty of time to read up about it, decide what version of 2012 we want to go with, had enough time to get excited, hopeful, anxious, fearful (depending on what story you're going with).

I'd say, be hopeful, be positive, be fearful, go into survival -- have the big anticipation moment as the 21st emerges (though this is also a problematic point, what timezone are we going with?) so that when NOTHING happens -- we can all have a nice big crash down to Earth and realise: this is it. No-one is going to save us, we're not magically going to transcend into some alternate dimension, there is no apocalypse that gives us an easy way out of this hell hole we've made for ourselves:

This

is

it
.


So then obviously the question would arise: what next?

You don't need much common sense to see and realise that how we humans are currently living on Earth is not very cool. Are we going to come up with a new magical date that will save us all either through ascension/aliens or complete annihilation -- or will we stop looking 'out there' and face what is here as the shit we've created on Earth?

I mean, what is the point of moving to some alternate dimension when we can't even find it in ourselves now to create a world where we can all co-exist and live harmoniously? We'll just fuck up the 5th Dimension and then what - go to the 6th Dimension and screw that one over as well?

This whole 2012 episode, is just one big distraction. I know, because I once fell for it. I followed the version where we BOTH are going to move to some other dimension AND aliens are going to come and save us. All I had to do was just 'wait out' the time between now and 2012 (which back then was like 5-6 years). I got that I had to 'raise my vibration', so I tried that out for a bit, because obviously I didn't want to be left behind in this shithole. So I did some meditations and visualisations but it didn't really seem to work all that well. During the meditations stuff was supposed to just 'happen' to me and I couldn't get it to happen unless I actually created it and thus faked it for myself. And since it was quite obvious that I was deliberately creating an experience, and could not deny this point -- I stopped trying to get some form of experience or guidance, because it was really just embarrassing how I was attempting to fool myself. So then my meditations simply became points within the day where I'd sit or lay down and just breathe -- this I quite liked.

Since 2012 was going to be happening quite soon, I didn't see the importance in making any long term plans for my life, so I wasn't really looking at studies or whatever because what was the point of preparing for a career if I was going to be ascending to the next dimension by the time my studies were done? So I wasn't really ambitious about anything much and be pretty much bored all the time , just 'waiting' for 2012 to happen.

So then one day, as I was sitting around just kind of sighing and puffing, because this waiting was getting quite tiresome and I had nothing to pursue because it would be pointless -- I went and checked out this YouTube thing everyone was raving about and put in some spiritual keywords so I could watch some videos which might assist me in my frequency raising process.

That's when I came across some Desteni videos -- and oh boy, was I glad that I had found them! I mean, here was someone presenting a message, where you're not just sitting and waiting around for shit to happen to you and where you get saved by some external force -- here was a message, with practical tools that you can apply in your every day life and actually get somewhere with it, both in your personal life and on a global level.

There was also a Desteni video on the whole 2012 phenomena, and I was both ashamed and had to laugh, because it was really clear how stupid and ridiculous this point is that so many participate within. And you know, it's okay that you go there and entertain yourself with these type of things, you didn't know any better. So have fun facing 21-12-12 -- but when it's over and you're still here, know that it is time to face the music and we'll be right here and we can all face our nightmare together and get our hands dirty within taking responsibility for what we've accepted and allowed ourselves to become of our Home -- and move towards harmony not in some alternate dimension, but right here on Earth, and work towards a system of Equality as the Equal Money System and really explore our existence as we have never done before.

You know where to find us.
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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Day 75: What do I feel like doing? – Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 61:  Self-Disappointment
Day 73: What do I feel like doing?
Day 74: What do I feel like doing? – Part 2


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot deal with headaches

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in an ‘out of service’ mode whenever I experience a headache, where I want to just ‘sleep it off’ without moving myself to actually move the headache out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot deal with a headache, where I rather go and “shut myself off” as in sleeping where I expect my body to take care of things while I’m MIA

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create headaches and then expect these headaches to take care of themselves without me practically moving them

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have considered a headache as being a particular experience that one can work and move through just like any other experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to differentiate between modes and headaches because I believe headaches to be more ‘real’ in terms of their intensity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel unwell whether it is my tummy, headache or nausea – to immediately go into the point of “maybe I should rest” – instead of pushing myself to be here as my human physical body and assist myself in pushing the discomfort out and investigating the nature/origin of the discomfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with ‘negative experiences’ such as headache, nausea, pain – go into a mode of avoidance as in ‘how can I most quickly get rid of this’ instead of considering the practical support within the experience and seeing how I can use this point in assisting and supporting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I experience any discomfort such as pain, nausea or headache – that this means that I am unable to operate – even though I have disproven this to myself many times where during for instance period pains I am able to successfully move through the pain within exercising my body

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to move through discomfort as pain, nausea and headaches

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed myself – where I was presented with the perfect opportunity to move through the point of not basing my decision on ‘how I feel’ or ‘how I experience myself’ – but instead allowed myself to take the bait and once again end up within self-disappointment


When and as I see myself go into the belief of “I am unable to deal with headaches” when experiencing a headache – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have disproven this point for myself and that there is no point to hold on to this limitation and so I commit myself to push through the pain/discomfort

When and as I see myself wanting to place myself in an ‘out of service’-mode when faced with a headache/pain/nausea – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I do not have to submit to my experience since I am the cause/origin/creator of the experience and thus I commit myself to move myself as human physical body to sort my experience out and to investigate/trace the origin point back within myself and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to just “shut myself off” when being faced with an experience of discomfort such as pain/headache/nausea – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am trying to reach for a ‘quick fix’ as an ‘easy way out’ where I do not want to bother to do the effort of actually moving myself through the pain/discomfort and simply expect my body to do all the work while I am MIA so I commit myself to push/move through the pain and discomfort and to not allow myself to cut myself off from reality because my experience has changed

When and as I see myself looking at a headache and saying to myself that “this is different” and that in this case I can allow myself to “back out” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that a headache is still an experience and so I commit myself to investigate the experience and support myself through the pain with additional support of necessary but do not accept and allow myself to simply ‘back out’ and expect things to take care of itself

When and as I see myself thinking “maybe I should rest/nap” when faced with an experience of discomfort such as pain/nausea/headache – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is one of the ways where I will allow myself to ‘back out’ for a moment as self-sabotage/self-manipulation within my application as a ‘back door’ as one of those moments where I am allowed to ‘excuse myself’ because apparently I am going through an “extenuating circumstance” – and so I commit myself do diffuse my excuse as the pain/discomfort/nausea and ground myself within and as my human physically body within and as breath and move the experience as me and sort the point out within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself go into the belief of “I am unable to operate” when faced with an experience of discomfort such as pain/headache/nausea – I stop and I breathe – I remind myself of the times where I have effectively moved through pain/discomfort and commit myself to simply do it again

I commit myself to stop failing myself and stand as a person that I can be satisfied with within the principle of what is Best for All Life
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Saturday, 18 August 2012

Day 34: Fear of Speaking - The End

When and as I want to say something to someone and see myself going into fear within accessing memories of the past -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing and recycling memories from the past and thus not being here, where I am attempting to impose past experiences as memories unto the current moment and within that altering/modifying the present moment into something which it is not -- and so I commit myself to within those moments take a deep breath and simply speak, and to break the pattern of the past through me being here

When and as I see myself going into fear when wanting to say something which is against the grain of what another just said / did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise how I have created this fear and realise that I do not have to be in fear, since I have seen and realised for myself how this construct works and how it does not serve -- thus I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself going into fear of becoming emotional -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within fearing becoming emotional, I am in fact stating that I am not the directive principle and that I am a victim of my emotions -- and so I stop this fear and trust myself as the directive principle and I commit myself to unconditionally be here and walk through the event

When and as I see myself going into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within participating in the 'Fear of Speaking Character' I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- revealing to myself how little self-worth and self-respect I have for myself -- and since this is something I do not want for myself, I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself for having accessed and played out the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have built/created this character over time, memory by memory -- and thus it is going to take an equal process of deconstruction - removing the layers of information as memories and practically living the correction over and over again until I have re-aligned the Fear of Speaking Character as myself to what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself going into the fear of 'what if the person is gonna come back at me' when wanting to speak -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that if I give in to this fear I am only ever going to remain a limited version of myself which will always give into fear and never give herself a break, and since this is something I do not want to live I commit myself to breathe through the fear and speak unconditionally no matter the reaction / outcome / response of the other person -- because no matter what they say, at least I know I have been true to myself within allowing myself to speak

When and as I see myself accessing ideas about how conversations are supposed to go and what I should be like -- I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I am limiting myself within wanting to act according to how I think things *should be* -- where if I see myself being unable to attain this particular idea, I hold back -- within that I commit myself to let go of all preconceived ideas of how things should be and should go and commit myself to unconditionally walk through an event without fearing the outcome

When and as I see myself accessing the fear of being embarrassed -- I stop and I breath -- I see and realise that the fear of embarrassment merely indicates that I am facing a point which I have not yet embraced as myself, and so I commit myself to unconditionally walk through the point / event and within doing so embrace the point of embarrassment and see / realise that I am the creator of the embarrassment and there is nothing to be embarrassed about

When and as I see myself pointing fingers to another as if they are the reason / cause of my inner experience -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am deflecting taking self-responsibility and so I stop and direct myself as my inner experience and take responsibility for my own creation

I commit myself to purify my vocabulary to one that is Best for All and within purifying my vocabulary purifying myself to live words that are best for all

When and as I see myself reaching for the past as memories to tell me what to do -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that by relying on the past as memories to tell me what to do I am never going to get anywhere as I am only recycling the past into the present -- Instead I commit myself to breath and trust myself to direct myself within common sense practicality

When and as I see myself judging myself as a child for not being able to respond to a particular situation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I had not been given / taught practical tools on how to deal with any and all situations where emotional possession is one of them -- and so there is no point in judging myself as within judging myself I am only further limiting myself and keeping myself from expanding and learning from my mistakes

When and as I see myself taking it personal when a person reacts emotionally to something I said or did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the other person's reaction is created by them and has got nothing to do with me / who I am, and that I merely functioned as a trigger within that moment which brought up to the surface something which was already existent within them before I opened my mouth / did something

I commit myself to establish a Society which understands the role the Mind plays and how the Mind functions -- where the functioning of the Mind is part of basic education so that children may be taught how their own mind and that of others works so they can see for themselves what happens when someone gets emotionally possessed, can see how it happened and see that it is not their fault

I commit myself to expose how children currently are only taught garbage and no practical Life skills whatsoever which they can use and apply every day in their Life to assist and support themselves -- and where any point of emotional stability only gets addressed with medication to be suppressed and so the root / cause never gets investigated / discovered / discussed -- where we end up in a world where no human really knows how they function and find themselves as victims to their own mind unable to take self-responsibility

When and as I see myself holding back on saying something within accessing the fear of 'how is this going to influence their opinion of me?' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this attitude does not serve me or anyone else, as I've seen / realised / understood that not speaking for the sake of maintaining someone's opinion of me is a permission to abuse -- and since I do not want to stand for abuse I will not stand for not speaking for the sake of 'being liked' -- and so I commit myself to walk through the fear and simply speak as I know that if I don't I will regret it anyway and be disappointed with myself -- and within that create that exactly which I feared, which is someone not liking me -- and that person is ME

When and as I see myself wanting to let something potentially harmful go by unnoticed, because I fear that if I will speak that the person involved might not like me anymore -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this thinking pattern is completely unacceptable and that me allowing abuse for the sake of me maintaining my 'image' is completely ludicrous, as I am allowing something REAL to get damaged for the sake of up keeping an ILLUSION which only exists in my head

I commit myself to investigate and expose the consequences of the politics/popularity game – where people and beings get hurt as a result/consequence of someone’s popularity game within ‘wanting to be liked’ – where we will allow abuse for the sake of people liking us while this should be of no value whatsoever because what is the point of being liked by people who abuse / allow abuse anyway?

I commit myself to investigate the nature of ‘wanting to be liked’ within myself unconditionally as I see that this is not only self-destructive but destructive to the environment as a whole and within that I commit myself to restructure my values and priorities to always respect and maintain what is Best for All Life instead of only caring about what’s best for my own created personal illusion

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Day 1: Words

Some time ago - 4 years to be exact - I took it on to myself to start writing Self-Forgiveness with the aid of a dictionary - and write Self-Forgiveness every day. That commitment didn't really pull through and only lasted for about one post.

So now I decided to take this point back up again -- and commit myself to write Self-Forgiveness on words every day -- unless a specific point opens up during my day, then that point will have priority.

I basically start at the beginning of a dictionary and start reading the listed words. Whenever I come across a word where I have a reaction or memories popping up - I stop at that word, and take time to write out Self-Forgiveness on the points that opened up while reading the word. In this manner, I can work systematically through points and purify my vocabulary, and within that purify my inner reality -- as all this consists of is words.


So - Here I go

abandon
Upon reading this word the following reactions happened:
- Negative Feeling
- Fear
- Memory of Guinea Pig


Negative Feeling
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a 'negative value' to the word 'abandon'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given 'abandon' a negative connotation within and as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between the word 'abandon' and the emotional charge of 'fear'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'abandonment' / 'being abandoned' is something which should be feared
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'abandoned' as a bad thing

 When and as I see myself react to the word 'abandon' or 'abandonment' within a negative feeling -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am merely accessing a preconceived idea about 'abandon' / 'abandonment' from past memories. I see and realise that these ideas are not real and that my experience is simply indicating to me that there are still memories existent within me of which I haven't yet let go in relation to 'abandon' / 'abandonment'. Thus -- I will take it up on myself to investigate why I still react within a negative way to the word and take the necessary steps to release myself from this form of limitation.


I now for the first time read the actual definition of 'abandon' in the dictionary, and what is fascinating is that while I was reading it I found it to actually be a 'supportive' word --- whilst all the ideas and feelings I have around the word have a 'bad vibe' around it:


1 a : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent b : to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in ‹~ property›
2: to withdraw protection, support, or help from ‹he ~ed his family›

If I look at it -- within me 'abandon' always stood for something where ''you're on your own now'' -- and feeling helpless. But now reading this definition I can see how abandoning something or someone or being abandoned can actually be a point of support -- as it forces one into a position to stand alone and see how one copes without the support (or perceived support which is actually a form of dependency) one is so habituated to.

Fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'abandonment'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing on my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between 'abandon'/'abandonment' and 'fear of loss'
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that 'abandonment' can be a point of support where I have the opportunity to find out for myself where I stand when a particular point in my environment is removed -- and to investigate who I am within this new situation. Am I still the same or have I changed, and if I feel changed -- why so?
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to embrace 'abandonment' as me, as self-support and assistance

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of fear when being faced with the word/point of 'abandonment' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to enter into an automated response which I did not direct myself. Thus I direct myself stop participating within fear and bring myself back here, within breath. I see and realise that there is no need to fear 'abandonment' as this would imply separation. Instead, I move myself to investigate why I went into a fear reaction as this indicates to me that there are still points within myself from which I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself. I then take it up on myself to investigate this points and embrace them as me.

Helplessness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between 'abandon' / 'abandonment' and 'helplessness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being abandoned' necessarily implies 'being helpless'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'abandoning another' necessarily implies 'leaving them in a state of helplessness'.

When and as I see myself going into an emotional state of 'helplessness' upon hearing or seeing the word 'abandon / abandonment' -- I stop and I breathe. I see and realise that I am merely accessing an idea about abandonment based on past memories. I do not accept and allow myself to let my past and my past experience direct me. I thus move myself to let go of these memories and bring myself back here, within breath.

I will lay out the Memory and Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements for the Memory in my next blog as this is going to be more extensive.







Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Finding my Desteni - How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message


I remember the day that I first got into contact with Desteni.
I was sitting in my sister’s room, browsing around on her laptop. I was bored, and decided to look for some videos on YouTube. At that time, my brother, sister and I were very much into spirituality and conspiracy theories (sister to a lesser extent), and at that time specifically, we were into “orgone energy”. So I looked around for some orgone energy videos (we had been making some orgone pyramids) to see if I could find some ‘new’ info that I hadn’t found before, get some more ‘excitement’ out of it.

As I was watching one of the orgone videos on YouTube, I noticed a peculiar thumbnail on the right side by the featured videos. I clicked on it and started watching the video. I thought the whole ‘breathing in and out’ at the start of the video was a bit weird, but I continued watching.

As the person was talking through the video I found that he was speaking a bit weird. And I mean, Wilhelm Reich was supposed to be dead, so how was he going to be giving an interview on YouTube – even better – an interview on YouTube as a 14 year old boy.

I thought, “Man, poor child, he must have been forced by his parents to memorize this script and then say it out loud to a camera for it to be uploaded on YouTube”. But then, as the video went on, I realised that the way the person in the video was speaking, behaving – was just ‘too natural’ to match my idea of some abused teenager who was forced to memorize a ten minute script.

I was quite intrigued with the video and wanted to find out more, so I went to check out his YouTube channel. There I saw that the channel had more than 500 videos uploaded, which in my eyes confirmed that this could not have been a ‘force case’. I also went to check out the website at the end of the video and I couldn’t find anything related to money or making money out of the videos they were doing. I couldn’t grasp why someone would be faking 500 videos for no money so I decided that either this person’s a complete nutcase – or must be very passionate and driven about something (and 500+ videos, that’s something very admiring in terms of someone’s dedication).

I checked out some more videos and they all made sense to me.

I then also visited the forum and found out the person in the video was a 24 year old female (Oopsie!), I introduced myself and continued absorbing all the videos and articles.

The videos about the Mind Consciousness System and how thoughts and images feed and energize your mind made a lot of sense to me. You see, a few months, maybe a year, before I got all into spirituality, I basically ‘made’ myself be somewhat ‘anorexic’. Throughout my life I had always been fascinated by anorexic girls and how they had the willpower to abstain from food (I mean, I LOVE FOOD). Then the one day, I was watching a documentary on tv about some anorexic girls, which give a pretty good picture of their thought patterns, as those became apparent during the interviews with them. So then I thought, “Hey, instead of anorexia “happening” to me like a “disease”, I could just manage my thoughts, and deliberately think the way they do, and manage it that way!”. This might sound very weird, but I was very bored with my life at that time, and I was looking for a ‘goal’, something to achieve, a ‘purpose’ to give my life direction. So then, that’s what I did.

I found it very exciting to play this ‘secret game’, always having to make sure my family wouldn’t take notice in this change of “lifestyle” that I had adopted. I started losing a lot of weight and getting a lot of compliments from the people around me. I absolutely loved it.

At times when I was down I would take my diary and write out my “managed thoughts”, to kind of ‘force them’ into reality – and surprisingly it worked! I found that writing was very effective in terms of re-enforcing the behaviour that I was looking for within myself. I’d also flip through fashion magazines, keep a scrap book where I kept the best model pictures – and when I was really having a ‘dip’ or a bad day in terms of ‘not eating food’, I’d take one of the images and re-draw them in my diary. I got so good at constantly forcing myself to think about losing weight and calories and exercising  -- that it just became an automated part of me and I didn’t have to ‘deliberately’ do it anymore – it had just become me.

So when I came to the point where I was like “Fuck, this is getting out of hand (I was very drowsy, feeling nauseas, sometimes feeling like I was about the faint), I’ve got to stop this.” I tried, but then I noticed how this whole new behaviour had just “taken over” and I had lost control. The thoughts, the pictures in my head – they just kept coming!

I eventually got over it, but it took a whole long while to get there.

So when I was watching the Desteni videos on how you program yourself with your thoughts, how you ‘motivate’ your mind with pictures = I knew that the information that the being in the video was sharing was true, because I had experienced (and enforced it) first hand.

So I just knew that Desteni was the real shit, and as I went along with the new videos it just kept on being re-confirmed. I also knew the power writing had, so I started to use it for the first time to actually assist myself (instead of breaking myself down).

Since then, I’ve been able to live a lot more satisfying life. Desteni teaches you how to take control over your own inner-world, teaches you to appreciate yourself and stand for something real. I did not have to look for a ‘goal’ or a ‘purpose’ anymore, it was right here – it was Desteni.


Wednesday, 25 January 2012

My Family & Desteni


During my entire childhood I had a very bad relationship with my father. I mostly spoke Dutch at home with my mother, brother, sister as well as at school – while my father spoke French and Spanish. I was always very scared of my father, he’d come home angry and frustrated from work and then take it out on us kids. My main experiences towards my father had been fear and anger and I kept my distance.

 Ever since I started participating with the Desteni, I could through the many videos, articles, forum discussion and interviews assist myself with better getting to know myself and understand how my experiences operate. At the same time I also discovered and was able to see why my dad acted the way he did – and that things weren’t as ‘simple’ as I had thought them to be (Eg – “He acts this way because he’s evil”). I could work through my own personal issues towards my father and within that change my attitude and approach in how I participated daily with my father. Once I started changing towards my father, my father started changing towards me.  Our relationship improved a little bit, but not that much.

 Then, after being on the farm for two years, my mom came for a second visit and my dad came with. For the first time in my life I was able to have an actual conversation with my dad. It wasn’t yet a ‘natural’ point but at least it was comfortable. Then a year and a half later (and some moreself-investigation and self-forgiveness later), my parents visited again – and for the first time in my life I was able to have actual fun with my father, have a cool conversation and enjoy each other’s company. It’s like we decided to open up a new chapter and leave the past behind. What had been done, had been done and there was no point holding on to it.