Day 215: Arguments of Convenience – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of futility and ridiculousness whenever I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that no-one is imposing this experience on me but me -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body and focus on the task at hand

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of guilt when I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the guilt forms part of the Policeman in the Head Morality Construct -- where I  don't need anyone to tell me anymore what I should and shouldn't do as I have already internalized the values of the system within me, where I feel guilt and shame towards the policeman in my head within doing something which I labeled as 'non-productive'. I commit myself to breathe, let go of the energetic charge as guilt as I see and realise that I am both the observer as the policeman and the observed as the one experiencing the guilt and I make the directive decision to not participate in either -- and to be here as breath, within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself looking at an activity which I know within myself I should really do now / seeing that this point requires attention NOW but experience resistance in relation to the point upon which I then conjure up the thought/excuse 'that this is not a productive activity'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely coming up with the excuse that 'it is not productive' as reason/justification why it is okay for me to not do this right now and to cover up/disguise the actual experience of inherent resistance towards the activity/task -- where I make it seem like it is 'nothing personal', but just that 'it's not productive' where playing out this theatric I am attempting to show/tell myself that 'there is nothing going on here' and can just 'continue to go about my business' and thus I commit myself to stop the kidding of myself and instead acknowledge the presence of resistance and allow myself to push through / work with the point instead of painting it to be something else

When and as I see myself downplaying the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration as acts of self-intimacy within telling myself 'not now' and 'this isn't helping anyone right now' -- I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am kidding myself / sabotaging myself because I have seen and realised and understood the importance of self-intimacy for the development of self-honesty as an important point to bring about change within this world and is not something to just be 'waved away'. I thus commit myself to remind myself of what I have seen and realised and to deal with any resistances that come up within the moment towards the point of self-intimacy

When and as I see myself being faced with a task which needs to be done which could be categorized as 'productive' but experience resistance towards the point/activity/task and then conjure up the thought that 'I need some time for myself' as an excuse to not deal with the point, where I rather go do some writing or exercise -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dress up my decision as being 'principle based' by conjuring up thoughts as arguments which conveniently suit the situation as what I want to do per the energy I am experiencing. I thus commit myself to acknowledge the experience of resistance, that it is just a matter of 'me not wanting to do it' and move myself to do it as a self-directive self-moved decision to show to myself that I can move myself beyond energy and I commit myself to investigate the nature of the resistance so that I can practically work through it

Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

The other day I found an open space in my schedule of about 20-30 min and I was wondering what I could do. My body was a bit tired from the activities of the day so I was looking at doing something restful, and then decided I wanted to do some progressive muscle relaxation (where you start with your toes and tighten the muscles of your toes and then let them relax, and so go through all the muscles/limbs of your body until you end with your head). I then imagined myself doing it and became quite uncomfortable, where within me imagining myself doing it, I was 'looking at it' as if I was 'someone else' and then thought that this exercise is/looks ridiculous and suddenly I became embarrassed that I wanted to do it and then I ended up not doing it.

I then remembered how when I was a kid and wanted to do stuff to explore nature/myself as my body -- my mother would eventually notice it / find out about it and make remarks that 'I was being ridiculous' and 'shouldn't bother with these things'. They were regarded as childish phases which my mom was waiting for me to go through/transition so that I could 'get back down to Earth' and leave my fantasies behind and focus more on things like studying, reading or whatever was going to prepare me for the 'Real World', which was basically the 'Money World'. Obviously, there was no time and space to explore nature/our bodies in the world of money and was considered to 'just be a waste of time' and something that'll 'get you nowhere'. So then I would shamefully stop whatever I was doing, and be embarrassed that my mother still had to point out to me 'at this age' that I should occupy myself with other things.

Initially when I explored spirituality and in the end Desteni I always felt uncomfortable about it because it wasn't anything that was 'going to make me money' and 'get me somewhere in this world'. So I wasn't particularly open about it when I was for instance browsing through the website (if my mother would come in I would quickly close the browser) or doing Self-Forgiveness, or just sitting/lying and practicing 4 count Breathing. I felt like I was busy doing something ridiculous and should just quit it already. So now when I am faced with opportunities where I can explore my body or do things like Self Forgiveness out loud -- I feel embarrassed and ridiculous because "c'mon -- who does that??" (lol, here I now also remember all the snide remarks and comments from my friends when I would talk about things like getting in touch with yourself). For instance, at the end of one of our 'baby-talks' with Bernard and the Fetus, he said I should investigate what each vertebrae of my spine stands for, within utilizing breath. I said 'ok' -- but was thinking that I should probably not even bother, because there's no way I can do this. And the reason why I thought it was because I was judging it as 'ridiculous' and 'stupid' and there's no way I am going to waste my time on this 'fantasy stuff' and should do more productive things. So within knowing that I wasn't going to do it I already made up my mind that I wasn't going to be able to do it. And I remember the first time I practiced I was having such a hard time even getting AWARE of my spine and in a way 'finding my spine in my body', that I wanted to give up almost immediately and that 'I don't need to do this stupid shit, see it doesn't work it's just a fantasy, I'm just going to stop now and do more important things that actually matter' (though there I did just continue practicing until I fell asleep)

So even now when I want to do the spine thing or things like progressive muscle relaxation to practice being more here with and as my body -- the 'ridiculous' paranoia comes and shows its face and immediately basically be 'bullies me down' into not doing it or giving up almost immediately. So this is a point I want to look at and investigate, how things that are actually relevant are made to be 'ridiculous' and those things that don't matter have taken on Godly proportions like the money system. (Not that money doesn't matter, but that the values our current money system represents are distorted).

Related articles

• Day 364 - May I speak Please Part 2
• Day 33 - Forgive me Father for I have Sinned!
• Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 209: Correcting instead of Sidestepping
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 229: Can Equality only be Achieved through Inequality? | Equality and Human Rights - Part 7
• Day 225: Equality and Disinformation - Equality and Human Rights - Part 4
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Day 209: Correcting instead of Sidestepping

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

When and as I see myself trying to find ways ‘around’ a problem, so that I can still ‘get what I want’ without really doing anything about the actual problem I was faced with – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I have no right to complain or judge the problem because I am not really interested in investigating and correcting it, as the point only got my attention ‘by accident’, as it was in the way of ‘me getting what I want’. I commit myself to take a few steps back and evaluate what it is I want and why I am not bothering to look for actual solutions except for those that fit my self interest – and I commit myself to re-align my starting point and thus investigate/correct the problem instead of only sidestepping it

When and as I see myself not being bothered with looking at the bigger picture, but merely looking at things through a filter called ‘my way’ where I only care about things so far that they ‘obstruct’ me for getting what I want – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that if I do not care about the problem, the problem shouldn’t care for me and thus has every right to ‘obstruct’ me. I utilize this opportunity to specify my inner reality and to see in how far I can specify the external

When and as I see myself resolving to ‘rebellion’ to sidestep a problem and still get what I want – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that by applying to rebellion I may get what I want but the problem is being ignored/not been given any attention. I thus commit myself to re-evaluate my actions and make sure I tackle the actual problem instead of rebelling against the problem from the starting point of self-interest

When and as I see myself experiencing a form of ‘freedom’ within ‘being able to buy something I want’ as a positive energetic charge – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that this is not a valid experience but the result of particular relationship connections within my mind and thus I commit myself to breathe and discharge the energetic experience and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘experiencing freedom’ within walking into a store with cash/a card and coming out with tangible goods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I have allowed myself to have adopted a very limited meaning/definition of ‘freedom’ within the limited scope of my own self interest and thus I commit myself to re-define freedom within the scope/context of what is Best for all Life

Related articles

• Day 33 - Forgive me Father for I have Sinned!
• Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin
• Day 403: Religious Paranoia
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two

Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
Continuing from my previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom for myself within a limited experience of me buying something without having looked/investigated how freedom is in fact limited by money as the money system we live by -- where this actually exists as the very definition of limitation and a violation to freedom within the context of human rights

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that freedom is just the one side of a polarity construct, where one can only have freedom in conjunction with limitation/restriction -- and thus I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my momentary experience of 'freedom' with money was only the result of my otherwise more long lasting experience of limitation/restriction in relation to money, but where I failed to see/acknowledge this dimension in relation to money and only focused on the 'good' and 'positive' as the 'freedom' I would experience when buying something

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only way I was able to have an experience of 'freedom' in relation to money as 'being able to buy things', was because of an inherent feeling/experience of limitation/restriction that existed due to the absence of money as a medium to get things I wanted, where I got so 'used to' and 'accustomed' to the 'negative side' of money that I had 'normalized' it within myself and thus not questioned the point -- so that when I was presented with a postive side / expeirence in relation to money, I embraced it with open arms and accepted this as the 'new face' that money was going to carry for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up the desire to buy things that I wanted simply as a side-effect of not having been able / having had the means to get myself things, where the more I experience limitation/restriction in relation to money, the stronger the desire/want grew for the positive experience in relation to money as 'freedom' -- where I believed that  'being able to and buying something I want' was the ultimate expression of freedom in relation to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at / upset with my parents for not giving me money / more money -- not seeing and realising that they, just as me, were suffering from money paranoia, where the struggle between freedom and restriction/limitation in relation to money kept them in fear and friction wherein they decided that it was better to be restrictive with giving money to the children so they can possess more freedom within being in control of the money supply within the family -- and thus I cannot be angry at them or blame them as they were just like me 'seeking freedom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the way money exists within this world and the paranoia attached to it, where I merely made the necessary calculations to 'work my way around it ' instead of question money and the paranoia that exists around money and investigating/finding out how one can change the way money exists in this world so we may remove our relationship of paranoia/terror in relation to money -- where money is no more a tool to keep one in constant friction but a tool to facilliate and support the existence of life on earth

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
• Day 198: Negativity as Freedom
• Day 401: Thinking is for Losers
• Day 211: Wonder
• Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind
• Day 163: Staying the course of self honesty
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 235: Calling the Beast by it's Name - Breast Cancer - The Cancer Paranoia - Day 20

Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have questioned the dynamics behind my parents and their relations  to money, and their relationship to money and me combined -- wherein I merely accepted that I will never get any substantial amount of money if I ask it directly or through manipulation -- and instead went and just 'took it' -- not seeing and realising that this does not solve my situation in any way that matters because my parents still have the same relationship to money which is influenced by the world system/money system that is in place -- where me 'taking what I need' to 'get what I want' is me merely being interested in satisfying my wants and desires for a short moment -- as surely stealing money around the clock is not something that is going to 'work' -- and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the situation as 'normal' and merely adapted/mutated myself to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not bothered looking at the 'bigger picture' but only cared for / considered my own self-interest within 'getting what I want'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was 'standing up for myself' when I took the money, where I believed that I was now 'taking control' and 'taking things into my own hands' -- not seeing and realising that what I was doing was not an actual standing as a solution, but me merely seeking a 'quick fix' to get what I want 'NOW' -- very well knowing that I cannot just 'take money' without there being consequence, and thus not really being 'in control' in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined that moment and experience of 'being able to buy something I want' as freedom, where I believed that this feeling/experience of me exchanging money for something is what 'freedom is like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom as walking into a store with money in your pocket and coming out of the store with actual things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined freedom for myself within a limited experience of me buying something without having looked/investigated how freedom is in fact limited by money as the money system we live by -- where this actually exists as the very definition of limitation and a violation to freedom within the context of human rights

Related articles

• Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record
• Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 343 - Getting home from work, the Fly trap.
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 347 - Sorry, I can Not save you.
• Father to be - Day 332 Part 6
• Late for work, NEVER - Day 326