Day 242: Stepping out of Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to fear and the alternate reality it opens up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my fears and anxieties as a way to guide and direct me that it feels unnatural 'not to' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the future needs to be foretold and be known 100% before I can walk it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not have in any way predicted where I am today and the path I have walked and yet: I am here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes discipline to condition myself and my body into fear and that it takes discipline to say No in every moment to get out of the experience 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes time to walk through the layers of the onion -- to be patient with myself and yet not use 'it's not going fast enough / it's not all sorted 'here and now'' as an excuse that 'it's not working' -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live both patience and perseverance in equal measure - where I tend to either be 'too patient' where I let time pass but without the dedicated movement and action of myself or where I am being forceful and hard with myself cause I want to get it done 'here and now' and then react that it's not done in 'one moment' as 'one decision' as it's a decision I have to make and live again and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself when I am making changes -- thinking and believing 'no this can't be it' and then plunge myself deeper into the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply a solution consistently enough to see what comes of it and actually take myself through to the other side

Day 181: Crucified between Past and Future: Re-Defining Anxiety

I’m going through the blogs I’ve written so far within my Journey to Life and identifying words to re-define as part of this process.

A bunch of my first blogs were in relation to fear and anxiety:

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1
Day 12: Anxiety and Me - Part 2
Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4
Day 15: Self as Creator - Fear and Me - Part 5

In this blog I want to take on the word ‘Anxiety’ as this has been a word that I’ve experienced many times in my life – if not continuously in the past.

So : Anxiety

Dictionary definition:

noun, plural anx·i·e·ties.

1.

distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.

2.

earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.

3.

Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder

In my life I’ve mostly experience anxiety as a fear paired with much pain and tension in my solar plexus – where in the end the very flesh of my tummy actually hurts from all the built up fear. The fear was always related to something in the future where I fear being in a particular situation and imagining worst case scenarios – I never really investigated it. – it was just there and it was annoying – so within that ‘not knowing what to do with this experience’ there was definitely a negative charged attached to this word.


Sounding of the word:
Anxiety
Eng (Dutch for ‘scarcy’) Sight I see (Scary Sight I see)


The ‘An’ / ‘Ang’ part of the word Anxiety reminds me of Angling – and the ‘X’ I see as a cross / crossing/cross point between past and future – where in the moment of anXiety you are angling with a hook, where you first throw your line backwards, hooking into the past and then throw it forward: into the future. Within that you’re never here, but always moving from past to future where X is that crossing point which is also in the middle of the word ‘anXiety’. This ‘back and forth’ sort of movement is also a point of conflict/friction where you’re buzzing while being pulled both into the past and future – which can be seen as being ‘crucified’ between the past and the future.

In terms of the fear component in Anxiety, fear I’ve found has often to do with merely a point of not understanding – where often I find myself fearing something but when it is then explained to me specifically and I understand it (like say an experience), then the fear goes away.

So here I would look at Anxiety as throwing fears from the past where I was not understanding / realising how to cope with something and projecting/throwing these into the future as expectations where I fear/dread being in such situations again

So a new definition for anxiety could be where one is participating within a concern based on the past - where a point was not clearly understood / missed in terms of effectively working with/through which generated a sense of confusion turned into fear - and whereby one is fishing these past concerns up and throwing them into the future - and where one within this experience of conflict is unable to clearly evaluate and assess the situation and give self direction – and thus one would be required to identify/investigate the point which requires clarification in terms of not understanding so self can upgrade one’s understanding and stand effectively within the point which generated anxiety

So now it’s not a matter anymore of ‘shit I am experiencing anxiety – I want to avoid what I fear’ – but to instead see the experience of anxiety as merely a line of information coming up in a particular moment which requires to be read (as the new definition) and to correct/re-align oneself according to this information which presented itself within that moment as a tool/guideline towards Self-Perfection.

Related articles

• Day 181 - Self Doubt Part 6.
• Day 159 - How will the world ever change if I don't become and live as the change I speak of?
• Day 181: Human Nature and the True Dare-Devil
• Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
• Day 126 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - A Battle of the Mind- Self Forgiveness
• Day 181: Applied Equality in Equal Money Capitalism

Day 121: How we Ruin our Lives with Memories

A while back, I listened to one of the interviews on EQAFE called 'Life Review - How I ruined my Life with a Memory'. This interview was really cool for me to see how a singular moment, a singular set up -- can define your life and limit how you will experience and behave yourself for the remainder of your life.

Since listening to the interview, I've been giving more attention to memories and what role memories play within facing points (which you may have noticed if you've been reading my blogs, the memories just keep coming lol).

It's an interesting and also important point -- because, every moment is a new memory, every memory contains specific information upon which we will act in the future -- it's part of our 'database' that we use to guide ourselves, what we do, who we will interact with, etc.

I mean, the memory that is being walked through by the being in the interview, is very simply and 'innocent'-like in nature and then as the being walks through her life and her story unfolds -- it's just astounding how much a singular memory can affect us in who we allow ourselves to be and become, and to what extent we remain trapped in the past.

It also assisted me to work with particular experiences that I would I have, that I guess you could say "defined me" as feeling that these experiences were very much "a part of me" -- yet, I couldn't really 'place' them where it seemed as if these experiences had just appeared and emerged 'out of the blue' and didn't have any foothold to 'grab unto' to give myself direction and to have an approach on how to work with these experiences. So as I was listening to the interview, it all started making sense and it gave me a new way/perspective/approach on how I could deal with these experiences -- where before the experiences would just be 'floating around' and I would jsut be grabbing at thin air, trying to make sense out of what it was that I would experience in particular moments -- whereas now it's like I have a pin in my hand and can see the experience 'float around' and then just pin it down, BAM - gotcha! LOL

So if you sit with any experiences which you are finding hard to 'pin point' in terms of how to work with them and where they come from -- I'd definitely suggest listening to this interviews, as it gives a very nice, basic, simple perspective on the role of Memories -- and then even in addition to that you could check out the Quantum Mind series -- there, memories are taken to a whole NEW level -- and it's really quite fascinating to hear and 'see' (the descriptions in the interviews are so specific, it's like you can literally "See" what is being said) how the quantum mind works -- and I mean, you've got to have some degree of respect for how meticulous and specific the mind works after listening to a couple of those interviews -- we've really set ourselves up for quite the journey...

Related articles

• Day 213: Human Rats Trapped in an A-Maze-Ment(al) Game
• Day 189 - Postponing listening to Eqafe Interviews.
• Day 129: Mystery and Imagination
• 183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control
• Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also What's Best for you? DAY 147
• Day 160: Solitude 1

Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself

Yesterday another birdie was found on the farm.

I was busy studying while I heard Gian getting a call in the room. He came out and his face had an expression of hesistation, and a slight grin/smile -- as he said that Fidelis found a birdie.

I shared him the same face/expression back -- because each time we find a birdie, we go into that space of uncertainty: What type of Bird is it (as this influences how easy/difficult it is to take care of them)? Is it hurt? Will the bird make it?

Then, about 15 minutes after Gian had left to get the birdie, he came into the house with his hand closed, with the again the same facial expression as he said: "It's a TweeTweet".

There, my heart skipped a beat, because we had previously taken care of a birdie, TweeTweet, -- which we at that time we thought to be a Fiscal Flycatcher, but now after revision, we found out it's actually a Fiscal Shrike -- where we had a lot of fun/interesting times with the birdie, until it tragically died/drowned two years ago.

Now, this birdie -- looks EXACTLY the same as TweeTweet, and is at the exact same physical development stage as when we found TweeTweet two years ago. This species of bird is the only one we've had so far (well, besides the two Parrots which we still had to feed by hand, and the chick and gosling) that is totally okay with being around Humans and is easy to feed, as it will just cry/scream and open its mouth wide whenever it is hungry.

So whenever there's the point of a new 'birdie', I slightly go into the fear of 'what if' -- as not many birdies have made it so far. And now that the birdie was a TweeTweet, I went into it a bit more as I don't want to go through the same point in the past. When we first had TweeTweet, we were quite 'new' and 'innocent' in relation to the whole taking care of baby birds thing. But now that we've had to deal with many deaths, I am now more fearful when handling/taking care of them. Birds have this thing where their head gets all loose and floppy and it looks like it has lost all of its strength, which usually means a point of 'giving up' on the side of the bird, where the birdie does not see itself surviving and just 'gives up', where the head will start wobbling and flopping to the back or side, and usually soon after the birdie will die within having made that decision of 'giving up'.

So now for instance, with this new birdie, each time I see its head move in a direction that may possible be this 'floppy head' movement, I experience a little shock of "OH NO, what if he/she's going into it!". Which usually only happens for a split of a second as the birdie is moving its head to reach to its chest to for instance preen itself.

So now I have an opportunity to walk through this point again.
Though now there's also some additional points to consider, since last time that we had TweeTweet we only had her, the lizards and a little sparrow -- and she could pretty much roam the room without disturbing anyone.

Now we have the Parrots and they may possible go into a point of conflict with one another if either one perceives the other to be more dominant. So there I saw I had an additional fear of 'how is this going to work out with the Parrots'.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds

Day 31: Fear of Speaking - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something which I perceive is 'against the grain' of what another is saying or doing -- within the fear that they will 'come back at me' and that I will not know how to respond -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the moment of not being able to respond -- that I will be seen as small, weak and an 'embarrassment' as I am unable to 'back up' my statement and within that be seen as 'invalid' -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being reduced to 'nothing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to respond to a person's reply -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I find myself unable to formulate or come up with a response that this means that what I had to say is invalid and that this somehow means that my entire beingness/existence is invalidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be seen as an embarrassment within the moment that I find myself unable to formulate a reply -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one deciding to be an embarrassment for myself because I am the one who decided and put in place the conditions which make something/someone an 'embarrassment' in my eyes -- and so I've made myself an embarrassment to myself by my own accord

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it has never been ‘about the other’ and ‘how the other might see me’ as I have only ever projected my own beliefs/ideas/fears/perceptions/opinions upon myself within any given circumstance and so it is all about me and how I have to deconstruct my own thought / belief patterns and purify my vocabulary to be able to free myself from my own prison as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiate your claim’ as ‘being weak’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chain between ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiating one’s claim’, the point of ‘weakness’ and ‘embarrassment’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and rely on the past as memories to direct me and tell me what to do and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to believe that the past is bound to be repeated and that I am unable to change myself and my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-create the same memories over and over again through relying on the past as memories for my direction instead of me being here as breath directing myself within every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

Will walk the specific memory which opened up within my next blog

Day 23: Decisions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have never made a real decision within my life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I in fact have never made decision within my life – as all my decisions have only ever been based on past experiences as memory – and never a seeing in the moment what would be Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have never made a real decision within my life, as within every moment of decision I draw on my past, past experience and memories to tell me what to do – where I accepted and allowed my past to tell me, direct me into a particular decision – and thus it was never a real decision as it was already pre-determined based on my database of past experiences and memories

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my decisions are based on personal likes and dislikes as positive and negative energy annotations, based on past experiences and memories – where within every moment of decision will base my decisions and what route to talk on my personal likes and dislikes based on memory as past events and experiences – and thus never actually practically deciding within the moment within the starting point and context of what is Best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to personal likes and dislikes – and to believe these to be real – while obviously they cannot be real if everyone has different likes and dislikes and there is no uniformity or absoluteness in anyway whatsoever, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that personal likes and dislikes can never be what is Best for All as it only considers what is Best for Self as Character

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am in fact a pre-programmed organic robot, executing and performing tasks based on my memory as all the inputs I’ve received throughout my life and the inputs I placed in myself within back chat – and thus any action, task, decision was never real but only ever based on past experiences as memory

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that with every new step, with every new decision – I am not in fact stepping forward, as I simply repeating and recycling my past within myself where I take all I have ever done and all I have ever experienced and run it through the equation of the decision I have to make in the present – and thus all that can ever come from this decision is more of the same, more of the past – and within that supporting and keeping myself as character in place

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have ever only existed as characters, as different sets of values as likes and dislikes – where I will move from one character to another as the input/environment changes and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have in fact never lived but only lived as fragmented characters within separation of myself, in constant fluctuation – instead of being here, stable, within every moment of breath

When and as I see myself being faced with a decision, and decide upon something – I stop and I breathe – I take a moment to evaluate how I accepted and allowed myself to come to this decision and ask myself: what variables were involved? What values were involved? Is this really what is best for all or is it a decision based on personal likes and dislikes which in no way whatsoever considers what is best for all? And within that I commit myself to evaluate the decisions I have made and the decisions still to make to check myself and my starting point within making decision and teach myself to make decisions which are in fact best for all and not automated decision making based on personal likes and dislikes

When and as I see myself shifting characters – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not in fact here, present as breath within every moment – but am allowing myself to be a program running in automation mode where I will change and adapt myself according to the various inputs coming from my environment and my self-taught outputs as a response to these inputs – I see and realise that this is not in fact real living and thus I stop and stick to breathing, here

Within that I commit myself to for myself identify all the various characters I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create within my life to deal with various situations, people – and to walk the process of Self Forgiveness and Self Correction pertaining these characters so I can merge all the fragmented, separated parts back together here as me and transform myself from being multiple disordered character to an actual living being Here

When and as I see myself making a decision based on personal likes and dislikes as positive and negative energy, I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not real decision making but running an automated program which is not reliable at all as it is only based on self-interest and the survival of self as character and thus I do not accepted and allow myself to go that route and re-direct myself to really look and see what requires to be done within the moment which is in the Best interest of ALL

Day 9: Fear of War

In Belgium as a child, you get taught about the first and Second World War from a very early age. The teachers would talk about it, get you to memorize dates and maps, watch documentaries loaded with images of war and read books from people written on war, during the war.

I absolutely hated anything in relation to war because it scared the shit out of me. I could not understand when watching the images on the TV screen and reading the books how things could turn out so bad and wicked among human beings. I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Later during my life as a teenager I had created an immense resistance to watching war related movies and documentaries.  If I could avoid them, I did.

I did not want to imagine what those people had to live through, living in anxiety every single moment - day in and day out. Being physically deprived of food and sleep, being mentally alert and having a fright with each and every single noise.

A week or so ago I pushed myself to watch War Horse and place myself in the uncomfortable position of seeing images of war. I had to cry several times because the whole war thing is just so absolutely damn stupid.

I then also forced myself to listen to the EQAFE Life Review interview of "A Woman of War" and had a knot of anxiety in my stomach the whole time.

I remembered how the one time in high-school my religion teacher was talking about war and pointed out how everyone sitting in the classroom took war for granted, thinking that Wars were something of the past and that we would not have to deal with a war in our lifetime. He then pointed out that never a hundred years would go by without a war -- and that it was thus more likely than unlikely that we would face a war within our lifetime. This left me feeling sick for the rest of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, pain and destruction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing people die around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying of a painful death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to the atrocity of war with avoidance

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I do not like war, that avoiding the issue is not going to make a change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where teachers teach children about war and instil fear of war within the through images and literature -- without explaining WHY war exists within this world and what we can do to stop it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have responded to the animosity of war to finding practical solutions to stopping war and making sure that no-one would ever have to live through a war ever again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fearing my own fear is not going to solve anything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have investigated why war exists and why humans do crazy ass stupid shit like killing and bombing one another when we're all just earthlings sharing the same home called EARTH

I forgive myself that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to see and accept war as part of human nature and something that I should try to avoid at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child have made up war scenarios within my mind and plan out what I would do in different situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my time being occupied with what to do during wartime instead of spending my time ensuring that no more wars exist


I commit myself to the reformation of education where subjects are taught from a common sense perspective and not just for the sake of teaching history without practically explaining the mental instability that has to be existent within the human for having committed all these crime to life within waging wars -- I also commit myself within that to not just teach history from a starting point of heritage but to also look at and consider practical solution so we may actually LEARN something and so we can correct ourselves instead of learning how to fear the future due to our fuck-ups in the past

I commit myself to expose the atrocities of war which can be in no way justifiable

I commit myself to expose that that which we call "human nature" has in fact become an insult to life

I commit myself to the establishment of a World System where NO MORE WARS are waged

I commit myself to the re-education of the human being so it may sort out its mental instability as inner wars so that we do not have to live through outer wars

I commit myself to changing the current World System of Abuse and Insanity to one that Supports Life and is seated within Common Sense based on the principle of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to change the Current World Economic System of Inequality to one of Equality for All so that no-one will ever have to go through a war ever again

I commit myself to expose the extensive amount of mental disorder that needs to exist for human beings to make the decision to go and blow one another up

I commit myself to showing that it does not have to be this way and that it is in fact possible to live in World without War

My Family & Desteni

During my entire childhood I had a very bad relationship with my father. I mostly spoke Dutch at home with my mother, brother, sister as well as at school – while my father spoke French and Spanish. I was always very scared of my father, he’d come home angry and frustrated from work and then take it out on us kids. My main experiences towards my father had been fear and anger and I kept my distance.

 Ever since I started participating with the Desteni, I could through the many videos, articles, forum discussion and interviews assist myself with better getting to know myself and understand how my experiences operate. At the same time I also discovered and was able to see why my dad acted the way he did – and that things weren’t as ‘simple’ as I had thought them to be (Eg – “He acts this way because he’s evil”). I could work through my own personal issues towards my father and within that change my attitude and approach in how I participated daily with my father. Once I started changing towards my father, my father started changing towards me.  Our relationship improved a little bit, but not that much.

 Then, after being on the farm for two years, my mom came for a second visit and my dad came with. For the first time in my life I was able to have an actual conversation with my dad. It wasn’t yet a ‘natural’ point but at least it was comfortable. Then a year and a half later (and some moreself-investigation and self-forgiveness later), my parents visited again – and for the first time in my life I was able to have actual fun with my father, have a cool conversation and enjoy each other’s company. It’s like we decided to open up a new chapter and leave the past behind. What had been done, had been done and there was no point holding on to it.

Minority Report – Once you’ve seen the Future, you can change it

I recently watched the movie ‘Minority Report’ with Tom Cruise.

The movie is about a ‘Pre-crime’ unit in the near future (2054), who rely on three “psychics” who are able to see a (murder) crime before it had been committed. The visions they get are placed on high tech screen panels where the detectives of the pre-crime unit try to find clues as to where this crime is going to take place. Once they know where it is they pack themselves with their futuristic gadgets, search robots – get out there and arrest the criminal just before he/she commits the crime.

One of the Detectives (Tom Cruise) then finds out that one of the precogs (= one of the psychics) had a vision of him killing someone that he doesn’t even know. He is now obviously wants to prevent this murder from happening. While he runs from the authorities he tries to uncover why he would want to kill this person. He is also faced with a dilemma. The whole Pre-Crime unit is based on the starting point of pre-determination (= pre-programming). If he is able to prevent the murder then he can clear is name, but then at the same time it would demonstrate that people have “choice”, and thus that ‘Pre-Crime’ is not absolute.

In the end he is just, just able to prevent the murder from happening. As he is standing ready to shoot the guy and all the points are coming together for this single event to happen – one of the precogs he took with on his search, Agatha, tells him “You don’t have to do this, once you’ve your future you can change it”. And then he ends up not killing the guy.

But now in the end of the movie they used this whole point of “choice” as an excuse to shut down the whole pre-crime unit. But the only person who ever had a ‘choice’ from all those who had been spotted as future criminals was Tom Cruise, because he was the only one of them who had seen their own future. All of the other ones, would have still committed the crime because “they didn’t know better”. So now in a way what the movie is implying is that everyone can change their future, but like they demonstrated earlier this is not true. Only those who have seen their future – who in essence have seen their programming – can change their future. So you really only have choice within that one single moment, where you see how you operate and how you are programmed to behave – and then you either decide to follow your pre-programmed path – or you choose to step of it. But unless that point is not present, the point of seeing your future/programming – you do not have a choice and you are simply a slave to your ‘destiny’.

And this is exactly what one of Desteni’s objectives is – to show and teach people how to see their own programming, to see how and what they’re going to do before they’ve even done it – and give them the practical tools to change their fate. Because – what is implied in the statement “Once you’ve seen your future you can change it”? It implies you do not only know your future, but you also know your past. And it is by knowing your past, by knowing the exact factors, events, people, reactions that played a role in moulding and shaping who you are today– that you hold the key to see the future, you hold the key to change your future.
See your Future, check out www.desteni.co.za

Self Forgiveness on entry 21/01/08

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attach value and worth to the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my past.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to let go of the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep myself busy with the past and future in my mind, instead of not participating in the mind and be here, now in the moment as the breath as one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep looking back at the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the past is who you are and is important.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep comparing myself to “who I was” in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep living in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to still keep on worrying about past events.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear who I was in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that the past may reoccur.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the past is better than present and future.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe “everything used to be better in the “old days”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the past has any importance.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep linking things/places/people to the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define other people according to their past that I know about.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience people in the moment because I keep seeing and experiencing them as I saw them in the past.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I’m still living in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be friends with everyone at school when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself fearing not being accepted by my classmates when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear becoming an “outcast”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike communicating with other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be part of the group.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to “change” myself in order to be accepted by people which I call “my friends”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I got fucked up during all these years.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I fucked up right now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that one can actually become fucked up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear people as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what people are capable of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what I am capable of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my unconditional expression as life in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my actions in the moment as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing up by speaking self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own brutal self honesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate my world when I was little in an outer and “inner” world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear myself like you cannot imagine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do crazy stuff just to fit in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to buy pokemon stickers to fit in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal money from my parents wallet to buy pokemon stickers.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal money from my parents wallet to buy lottery tickets from school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal money from my parents wallet for money that I would use for crap.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to steal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid to be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want that others see me as cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting that others perceive me as being cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be cool and normal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide stuff so that no-one would find it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide stuff so that no-one would find it and that no one would be able to talk about it to me so I wouldn’t have to be faced with me and my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being faced with myself and my actions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being bullied by other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being the target of bullying because I do not fit in and that I’m not accepted.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to accept myself and be content with just me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be mean to other kids out of fear that if I wouldn’t do that, the kids would be mean to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be mean so that people would accept me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let other people feel like they don’t fit in and are not accepted while this was my big fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do things upon other that I would never want to be done onto me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as an “emotional person”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my thoughts, feelings and emotions out of fear that when I show them I might not be accepted and fit in anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get emotional when I say something wrong during class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my tears when someone makes the remark that I’m wrong during class.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to cry when I failed a test.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my tests.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my grades.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to my “rights and wrongs”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get all emotional when someone’s mean to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my tears when someone’s mean to me because I don’t want to show them that I’m hurt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my tears when someone would cause me pain out of fear that they might think that I’m weak and won’t be accepted anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to keep staying in the “accepted” mode.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not enough and never will be.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe when I was little that by the age of 16 everything would be juuuuust fiiiine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place hope into the future.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to what I think is the perception that other people have of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see my older brother as my protector.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be my own “protector”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need a protector.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to be saved by someone separate from me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to “save” myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear one day being killed by my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being killed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being beaten up to death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being strangled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being suffocated underneath a pillow.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that one day I would kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to kill myself from a very young age.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to kill myself because my brother ran away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my brother ran away somehow because of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to kill myself because my brother wanted to kill himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my sister.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and believe that my sister was somehow different from us.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear hearing my fathers footsteps out of fear that he might come and hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hurt by my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the presence of my father out of fear that he might do something to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my mother because she would go talk to my father and then he would beat me/us.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to stand up against my father.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing up to my father out of fear that he might get even more angry and hurt me even more.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to go an talk to someone that might could have helped me because then my father might have to leave the house and then my mother would be sad.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress myself out of “fear” of my mother being sad.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the death of my mother before my 18th birthday because then I’d be left alone with my father and might kill myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my situation for granted when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take our family situation for granted when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear smoking in the presence f my father out of fear that he might beat the crap out of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being caught smoking by my father out of fear that he might get angry and beat me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my entire life big time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that confidence is something that you get by wearing the “right clothes” instead a thing that you just are, that you are without needing anything separate from you to make you confident.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel hurt because my sisters feel ashamed of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to destroy myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel the urge to destroy myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to achieve control over myself and my existence by stop eating, instead of realising that I am self control and that I am the creator of my own existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people find my blog dead boring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that people might not read my blog because I write kind of much.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being dishonest in my blog.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give in to the wall that I’ve built where a lot of dishonesty and self deceit lies.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie big time just because I wanted to be accepted and make others feel accepted.