Showing posts with label manipulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manipulation. Show all posts

Friday, 2 August 2013

Day 223: Words and the Hidden Battle of Energies

Within being pregnant and walking the preparation of walking/living with another as myself within having to stand as example, I have been working a lot with Words. I have been closely studying the Parenting: Perfecting the Human Race Series for instance which pretty much can be translated into the Science of Words and has been very interesting to listen to (You can download Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5 of the series for free FYI from the Eqafe website). The baby to be has also been sharing points through the portal whereby he will give an update on his personal process and also assist and support me in indicating what words/points to work with that he can already see is impacting him. So it’s been words, words, words for me lately and I have been enjoying the process quite immensely in working with words and dissecting my relationship with words, which are essentially like Maps to ourselves.

My mother is now also visiting for a bit and now I have been able to observe the ‘Science of Words’ quite clearly as well in my communication with her and hers towards me. This is the person who raised me with her words, so it has been quite interesting to see what comes up within myself as we talk and discuss things.

The first thing I noticed is that I would react a lot more towards my mother than I would “normally” do with any other person, and the reactions would also not make much sense – in the sense that it was clear that they were being ‘irrational’. So when I first noticed that I got that I had to start slowing down more. What was interesting then was how I could see while we talked that she would be for instance sharing a story or making a point, but there would be like a ‘shadow story’/’shadow message’ attached to it. Where if you look at the words by itself, it seemed like she was just ‘sharing a story’ – but then looking at the undertone of the story as the energies connected to certain words – there was an additional message connected to it, like the message was ‘bugged’ with a particular energy, sending me a message. I would then receive this ‘energy’ message and resonantly react to what she is saying – first not really knowing exactly ‘what’ I was reacting to, and then slowing myself down and spacing out what had just happened I could tell the exact words that had been energy-laden and how within looking at the composition of the energies along with the words used – I could see a sense of ‘manipulation’ coming through essentially, as I had reacted in fear to the particular story she told which made me want to re-consider some of the decisions I had made (which I know my mother doesn’t completely agree with lol).

In a way, I felt like I had been ‘shot’ with an energy bullet – where on the surface, our communication appeared nice enough, but the shadow conversation that was taking place as energy exchange felt like a stab in the back.

Fascinatingly enough though, I found myself doing the exact same thing an hour or so later – where I was sharing with her something that in itself as ‘just the words’ seemed innocent/genuine – yet I had attached a particular energy to the words, kind of last minute, to deliberately and specifically generate a reaction of fear within her – where as I was saying the words I saw an opportunity to ‘get back’ at her and was able to induce some sense of fear into her. As the last bit of words came out of my mouth, I already realised what I had done and immediately went into shame and regret – because obviously this is not cool and was completely unnecessary. Yet at the same time it was cool to witness this type of communication/interaction within a ‘Mother/Daughter’ set-up/scenario – where I could really see everything I had learnt so far about words in action, being able to witness how this practically plays out in a parenting relationship, how we have this whole other layer/dimension of communication existent between human beings that we are basically not even aware of and how definitely our relationship to words and usage of words has become one of complete deception and manipulation instead of honesty and integrity. So this was a cool reminder/wake up call, re-emphasising the importance of working with words, working with Vocabulary and the work that needs to go into preparing oneself to become an effective Parent, because you have to basically re-design your whole Living as all the Words you use to re-align them to what is Best for All where we no longer ab-use and mis-use words but become Living Words which mean exactly that which they are, and are straight to the point without any Hidden Agendas.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Day 222: Surreal is the New Real




While working in the nursery in the mornings I have been listening to the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination Series from Eqafe. Having gone down the road of ‘Eating Disorders’ I find this series very supportive in terms of providing structural guidance in terms of how we create our self-image and how one can assist and support oneself in deconstructing one’s relationship with oneself as an ‘image’ to getting to know yourself as a physical human being.

So while I was listening to some of the interviews I was relaying the information back to the time where I was participating in Eating Disorders as well as my hobby of taking pictures and editing them.

What I noticed for instance when I went through a period of Eating Disorder within obsessively and compulsively looking at pictures of models (which all go through extensive photo manipulation firstly through lighting/set up and then secondly through digital manipulation such as photoshop), what I was drawn to in each image/picture would be the ‘surrealness’ of what was being portrayed. I would for instance like particular curves or body shapes because they were on the border or within the realm of being surreal.

Having gone to art school and playing with taking pictures a lot in my life, I started noticing that what makes pictures ‘pop’ and what people seem to ‘respond to’ / like some pictures while not others (including myself) was their level of surrealness. Nobody enjoys a plain picture that you randomly took of your street and the houses in it. Not unless it has got some nice ‘angle’ to it and you ‘play’ with the colours. So the moment something looks ‘better’ than what it actually looks like in reality = you have a nice picture.

I mean, we just have to look at for instance the whole Instagram phenomenon, Why is it so popular? How come everyone is suddenly taking nice pictures? It’s because instagram allows you to for each and every single picture you take, to alter it and change the way it actually looks like in reality. You have your various filters which open up ‘different moods’ for your picture to be displayed in. Some are more dark/sad while others have a summery/funtime feel to it. You can play with the brightness and the contrast, manipulating the intensity of colours as to what it looks like compared in reality.

I mean, in the beginning of photography what was great was the ‘factual’ aspect of the whole invention. When you draw or paint a person there’s always a level of personal interpretation and style that will influence the accuracy of the representation of what it is that you’re drawing/painting. As photography evolved, we could take/make pictures of things and have an actual representation of what it looks like in reality. And ever since we’ve achieved that – we’ve just gone backwards again by finding new ways of manipulating and warping reality through photography and photo manipulation.
Looking at it, it’s like reality has become ‘not good enough’. Taking a normal picture of one of your friends just randomly, casually as what is there in the moment is now ‘not good enough’ anymore. It’s a ‘bad picture’ even though it merely just shows what happened to be in front of the lens at that particular moment. Unless a picture has been edited, it has already lost all interest. It's just 'too boring'.

So now we live in a society which makes use of visual stimulation such as pictures extensively. We have things like tv, the internet, magazines, books, advertisement, etc. Each time these visual media will show us something which is surreal – unreal really. And we’ve become so accustomed to it that we don’t even notice it. We now actually believe that we live in this surreal reality that and that we’re just not ‘matching up’. We’re never good enough, we’ll never look as perfect as those people on tv / pictures / magazines. I mean, there’s a reason for that, it’s because they’ve been made unreal/surreal so it’s not practically possible to become that way and yet we will buy into whatever product/service that promises us to get a step closer to such a state of being, while all the while it’s impossible = the perfect consumerism trap.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Day 215: Arguments of Convenience – Part 2

This blog is in continuation to:
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money
Day 213: Arguments of Convenience
Day 214: Time is Money – Part 2

12799251-silhouette-with-thought-bubbles-abstract-vector-illustration When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of futility and ridiculousness whenever I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that no-one is imposing this experience on me but me -- and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body and focus on the task at hand

When and as I see myself go into an energetic experience of guilt when I am doing something which I perceive as 'non-productive' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the guilt forms part of the Policeman in the Head Morality Construct -- where I  don't need anyone to tell me anymore what I should and shouldn't do as I have already internalized the values of the system within me, where I feel guilt and shame towards the policeman in my head within doing something which I labeled as 'non-productive'. I commit myself to breathe, let go of the energetic charge as guilt as I see and realise that I am both the observer as the policeman and the observed as the one experiencing the guilt and I make the directive decision to not participate in either -- and to be here as breath, within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself looking at an activity which I know within myself I should really do now / seeing that this point requires attention NOW but experience resistance in relation to the point upon which I then conjure up the thought/excuse 'that this is not a productive activity'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely coming up with the excuse that 'it is not productive' as reason/justification why it is okay for me to not do this right now and to cover up/disguise the actual experience of inherent resistance towards the activity/task -- where I make it seem like it is 'nothing personal', but just that 'it's not productive' where playing out this theatric I am attempting to show/tell myself that 'there is nothing going on here' and can just 'continue to go about my business' and thus I commit myself to stop the kidding of myself and instead acknowledge the presence of resistance and allow myself to push through / work with the point instead of painting it to be something else

When and as I see myself downplaying the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration as acts of self-intimacy within telling myself 'not now' and 'this isn't helping anyone right now' -- I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am kidding myself / sabotaging myself because I have seen and realised and understood the importance of self-intimacy for the development of self-honesty as an important point to bring about change within this world and is not something to just be 'waved away'. I thus commit myself to remind myself of what I have seen and realised and to deal with any resistances that come up within the moment towards the point of self-intimacy

When and as I see myself being faced with a task which needs to be done which could be categorized as 'productive' but experience resistance towards the point/activity/task and then conjure up the thought that 'I need some time for myself' as an excuse to not deal with the point, where I rather go do some writing or exercise -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dress up my decision as being 'principle based' by conjuring up thoughts as arguments which conveniently suit the situation as what I want to do per the energy I am experiencing. I thus commit myself to acknowledge the experience of resistance, that it is just a matter of 'me not wanting to do it' and move myself to do it as a self-directive self-moved decision to show to myself that I can move myself beyond energy and I commit myself to investigate the nature of the resistance so that I can practically work through it

Monday, 20 May 2013

Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

Also read:
Day 386: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research – Week 14 (Part Two)
Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe my thoughts as the content they present as ‘not trusting myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the past to tell me who I am, within trusting my thoughts , where my thoughts are merely the result of the accumulation of memories as data and the meanings as emotions and feelings attached/embedded within these memories whereby the thoughts are ‘ghosts of the past’ haunting me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘live here’ while ‘looking through the past’, instead of being here – breath by breath, as the only way within which ‘living here’ is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are valid, without actually having tested them to see whether they are valid in all ways, or whether they are only valid within the context of the existence of the memory as being an extension of data – but instead merely apathetically accepted and allowed them as apparently being ‘normal’ and within doing so accepting and allowing the limitation that comes with living by one’s thoughts as one’s own personal nightmare

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of distrust and inadequacy, without seeing and realizing that I am merely echoing memories – where within accepting these thoughts and allowing them to play over and over again like a broken record, I am merely creating new memories with the exact same content, over and over again – to only further perpetuate my accepted and allowed limitation within enforcing the same pattern and thus enforcing the same outcome with no room for change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences that are attached to them, believing that because they come up, ‘they must be real’ and I ‘must follow them’ and I ‘must accept them’ (while these are also thoughts lol), without questioning where my thoughts/feelings and emotions come from

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have made the decision, the commitment, the statement – to decide to live here, breath by breath, moment by moment – within believing my thoughts that tell me that it’s ‘too hard’, it’s ‘too difficult’, ‘not yet’, ‘maybe later’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that in terms of living the commitment of breathing here in every moment – there is no ‘later’ or ‘process’ that needs to take place in order for me to supposedly be enabled to effectively live here breath by breath – as all there is, is the decision as willpower , as commitment, as I am here, this is what I accept and allow, this is who I am – and who I am is now living breath by breath and not give in to the voices of the memories as thoughts, desperately wanting attention and be held unto because of some perverse perception of apparent value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed making the decision of living breath by breath, where I saw that it was inevitable to make this decision and to live by the decision made – but instead perceived the decision as the final decision within a negative charge connotation, connecting it to ‘death’ – where this decision would be ‘it’, living by this decision would mean no turning back – wherein I went into fear and instead of pushing through the bullshit of thought, I stepped back within myself and went ‘not yet’, and justified it with ‘I cannot do this anyway’ and thus in fact fulfilling my own self-belief within not doing it, not seeing and realizing that my decision to ‘not do it’ does not mean that I ‘cannot do it’, only that I don’t want to bother finding out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in regret of that one moment, where I saw what needed to be done, but instead allowed myself to be persuaded by my thoughts and what they had to say and so within that moment accepted and allowed myself to remain limited because apparently these thoughts that claim that I am limited have some freaking value and I should just ‘go with it’

I commit myself to live breathe by breath here, to live in awareness instead of consciousness and to when and as I see myself missing a breath of having missed breaths – to simply pick up again as a matter of common sense and self-dedication and self-will and to not allow myself to give into the thoughts who are ready to cheer me down into giving up and self-defeat – because I have made a commitment and I have made a decision and I am tired of letting myself down – it has been enough

I commit myself to trust myself and to learn to trust myself to be able to just do this one simple thing: to be here within a single breath ever only, and to practice this point over and over, breath by breath – the only way you can practice anything – until it is a living natural expression of and as me, where I live it instead of practicing it

I commit myself to disregard the voices in my head, to see them for what they are as merely the collection of data and information being repeated – and to use them as an opportunity to identify the programming, the rules that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by – and to reverse engineer their creation to a point of nothingness, so I may create a new rule, a new law by which to live – as that what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to give myself to opportunity to live here, as I see and realize that I have only ever lived as thought – or rather have lived through thought within believing that it was ‘me’, within believing that ‘who I am’ is the mind and where within the realization that I am not the mind, and not yet the body – I am absolutely nothing – and thus I grant myself the opportunity to kill myself as the mind and birth myself as the Life from and as the Physical and find out who I really am, as Life – and disregard/shed what I have been living as a Lie.

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Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2

Within the book where I made my drawings / sketches – I would also start keeping a form of diary.

Here, I would write everyday about how I felt, what I did and how I did in terms of keeping up with particular goals. I would set myself particular goals, whether it was in the form of calories, weight or exercise. Depending on how I did – my writing would either be ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ if I had kept up with my goal or did ‘better’ – and would be ‘negative’ and literally me insulting myself, if things hadn’t gone according to plan. When I was busy managing my thoughts (which I wrote about in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1) I would also ‘practise’ insulting myself where I would swear at myself if I fucked up – I had a really hard time with that one, and it felt completely stupid, awkward and fake to be calling myself a ‘stupid bitch’ for instance. I never would previously insult or swear at myself so this point I transferred to writing, where I would practice ‘bashing’ myself. It was awkward at first, but I got better at it. The writing was always more to induce some kind of emotional response inside myself – where I used writing and words to ‘work myself up’ to get to a particular emotional state like being very sad or very angry.

After a while I would also start keeping diagrams and graphs in terms of how my weight was progressing over time – where I would have one chart/graph in terms of how I would like things to go and another one showing how things actually were moving (which was of course a different story).

So I would write, write, write – which was like me ‘winding myself up’ like some mechanical doll – then I’d have achieved a particular ‘state of mind’ which I would use to manipulate myself to be in a ‘bad spot’ from which I would then ‘push’ myself out into the opposite direction in terms of re-committing and motivating myself to a point of ‘I’m gonna do this’ and ‘I’m going to get there’.

This is where I saw that emotions are not always reactions as things that just ‘happen’, but is something that one can actually create and generate and use to influence oneself in one way or another. And within this also, how writing can be used to wire yourself up in a particular way and re-enforce particular patterns (like judging / bashing myself).

So now I already had quite a package deal for myself to influence my behaviour and attitude through writing, thinking, drawing, reading and watching. It was really quite the undertaking and required my constant engagement in either ways to keep myself going. It was literally a full-time job where any moment of non-participation in any of these points would immediately show/reflect in how I was doing in terms of sticking to my plan – where there would be drop in motivation and commitment.

This was quite an insightful experience, because I had never worked with myself in this way in terms of my thoughts, emotions and writing – and discovered quite a bit in terms of how these things can be used as tools to ‘change’ yourself. What I did not realise at that point yet, were the implicit considerations. I did for instance not look at how my ‘normal’ and what felt to me ‘natural’ thoughts, emotions and feelings were also constantly influencing me and controlling my behaviour. I simply accepted them ‘as me’ and did not consider to use for instance writing to change those points as well.

So when I came to the point of finding Desteni and watching Jack and Veno and other beings do interviews through the Portal on Thoughts, Feeling & Emotions and Writing – I immediately jumped the boat because I had experienced first hand how these points can be manipulated and used to get a particular result. The only thing that required to change was my starting-point as I had used these points against myself where I had accepted my limited nature and then used ‘what I got’ as ‘limitation’ to try and make things work for me in terms of entertaining myself within my Life and achieving a sense of ‘getting somewhere’ within developing an Eating Disorder (and in essence, ‘specialising’ / ‘extensifiying’ my limitation lol) – instead of looking at who and what I had accepted and allowed myself to become as self-limitation (eg. I cannot be passionate, I cannot have a sense of purpose, I cannot commit myself) and using writing to assist and support myself through these limitations within changing my Thoughts, Feeling and Emotions – as it was these patterns that I was participating within that were keeping myself locked and hindered me from embracing and becoming actual change.
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Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?

Yesterday as I was busy posting one of my blogs, the internet was very slow which resulted in fuckups with how I wanted to place the pictures in my blog. I wanted to check how the preview would look to make sure the pictures were the right size and the button didn’t want to work so I went *click-click-click-click-click-click* with my mouse, to no avail. I then let out a deep, deep, loud sight to “express” my dissatisfaction with the slow internet.

As I started the sigh and let it out – I noticed how completely weird this action actually was – because within that moment of sighing, my whole body became heavy as if a heavy weight was pressing down on me, and my whole mood shifted ‘downwards’. Was does this tell me? This tells me the slow internet is not the problem, but how I behave myself in relation to what happens on my computer, as the slow internet. I was the one going *click-click-click-click-click* -- I was the one sighing – and I was the one who within the sigh induced an experience of dissatisfaction and being annoyed/irritated.

I noticed I had done this sigh thing quite a few times over the past few days, especially in the evening when it is getting ‘late’ and where I just want to get done with my stuff so that I can go sleep and not be too tired the next day. This anticipation of ‘I must go sleep soon, otherwise I’m going to be tired tomorrow’ as the belief of ‘I mustn’t go sleep too late’ is really in essence a fear. So within the next few blogs I want to take on the point of sighing as a point of deliberate self-sabotage and self-manipulation into self-pity and then afterwards take on the point of “mustn’t go sleep too late”.

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Saturday, 24 November 2012

Day 120: Intelligence and Deception

The one day I was looking at a book on different dog breeds, and in the book, a rating system was included in relation to the breed's
'intelligence'. I then went to check what this rating system was based on (= what makes one dog more intelligent than another), and found out they actually used deception, as an indicator of intelligence.

The more able an animal was capable of deception, the more intelligent it was considered to be.

'Intelligence' is often what makes humans distinct from other animal species -- does that mean we're just super good at deceiving ourselves and others?

You only have to consider for instance our banking system to see that this quite relevant.

Our banking system as it exists now within the framework of fractional reserve banking, in essence originated from deception, where it was observed that one could loan out money that wasn't necessarily present -- and by the time this deception was revealed, the whole economy and society had already become too dependent on this lie that it could not say 'no' to it, otherwise economic growth would falter -- and yet it is this system of deceit that affects the lives of everyone in the world.

Similarly, the notion of the human being, being a 'rational' animals -- merely refers to humans acting according to their own self-interest.

Intelligence is seriously overrated -- it's supposed to be the one thing that makes us 'rise' above all other life forms. I remember watching educational films at school on 'the human' and our awesome intelligence, showing pictures of ancient greece, and statues of long dead philosophers, architecture, literature, science, paintings, music and what not as examples of our 'great achievements', yet each time any such movies fail to illustrate our gigantic failures such as increased poverty, starvation and war throughout the centuries. Interesting how the human race and its achievements are always depicted in terms of the past as the great philosophers and painters and what not while the more you look at what characterises our contemporary era is poverty, crime, war, destruction.

Is the human race devolving?

Within reading subjects such as economics and politics -- intelligence is connected the whole time with 'superiority', where those who are educated and informed are supposedly 'above' everyone else -- and based on this should not pay much regard or attention to "the masses" and do what they think is best, which obviously suits them more than everyone together -- because according to them, this is what life is about, and all those 'other people' as the majority are not 'living the life' so why bother caring about them, they're just 'ignorant fools' and deserve whatever bad shit is happening to them.

Within that, intelligence is really another word for 'clever evil', where fancy words dress up manipulation and deceit in such a way that no-one questions it and actually looks up at it. I mean, with apes like orangutan, they found that the wider the ape's vocabulary (in sign language), the better able the orangutan was able to deceive -- coincidence?
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Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying is weak, shameful and should not be done in public where other people can see you -- because then they will think badly of you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents in whatever they say -- within the sheer blind trust that they know still world better than I do, and so are fit to instruct me in 'the ways of the world' and that I need to know things like 'crying is weak, shameful and not done in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my mother said to stop crying 'because everyone's watching you', to have stopped and looked around and saw that at least one of the people on the street met my eyes, and went "shit, maybe she's right"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that it happens often tha tif you walk on the street and there are other people that your eyes will meet and that this does not have to mean anything in terms of "people are looking at you crying, better stop because they are thinking badly of you, you should be ashamed"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection within my mind between the act of crying and 'weak', 'shameful' and 'not in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated each time my mother would pull the "Stop crying because everyone's watching you card", because I knew it didn't make sense but it made me feel bad and so I would stop crying / making a scene

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have associated a negativ energy charge to the point of crying, where my mother was able to use this against me to make me stop, as the moment she would point out that I am crying and should stop because everyone's watching me, I would immediately be infused with a sense of shame and weakness, and then follow my mom to our destination in defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at my mother for using my emotions against me, without seeing and realising that this could only be done through my permission within allowing emotion and feelings to roam free within me with no direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a habit of hiding when crying or suppressing my tears, where I believe it is weak to cry in front of other people and that they will believe that I am weak and think bad things about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my mother's argument as valid simply because she used to concept of 'people will think badly of you' and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people might think badly of you' is a good reason as to why one should refrain from doing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing anything where other people may think badly of you is a 'no no'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother have used negative and positive reinforcement to get the child to behave the way I want it to behave -- where the child was crying / making a scene / throwing a tantrum and there were people on the street looking at us and what we were doing, where I wanted this to stop as soon as possible because I do not want people to think that I am a bad mother that makes a child cry, and so in fear I took refuge in using negative reinforcement and said "Stop crying! Don't you know everyone's looking at YOU" -- where I knew this would create an instant bad feeling within the child and make it stop doing what it is doing, where I used my own fear as fear of people thinking badly of me and re-directed it to the child to get it to behave how I want -- without for a moment considering how such an action and words may affect the child long term

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where neither parent nor child have freaking clue of WHAT IS GOING ON within the world and INSIDE ONESELF -- where the child is just groping around and trying to make sense of the world, trusting the parent -- and where the parent has by now realised that the world does not make sense and kind of sucks but behaves in a way as if it knows how things work to present an illusion of 'authority' while all the while both are equally clueless -- with no support structure in place in the world anywhere, in any way whatsoever about effective parenting


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Sunday, 23 September 2012

Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 57: Sound of Laughter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted within annoyance to laughter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted within annoyance to the sound of laughter within the belief that it is not fair for someone to have fun while I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have blamed another for my experience, where I compared my experience to theirs and concluded that it's "not fair" within the belief that my experience was caused by another and that I was the victim of this and in no way responsible for how I was experiencing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find myself experiencing myself in an unpleasant way, immediately go and deflect this experiences within blaming someone or something else for how I experience myself so I would have to do the job of looking inside myself and see how I created this experience for myself so that I do not have to change

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was merely being angry and annoyed at myself for having created an unpleasant experience for myself, and where another had created a fun experience for themselves and found myself annoyed for not doing the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with thoughts such as "He shouldn't be doing this right now, he's wasting his time" to validate that how I am experiencing myself is justified on the grounds that the other is apparently 'doing something wrong' and that therefore I apparently have the right to be annoyed/angry -- without seeing and realising that this backchat was just a front so that I would not have to look at myself and what I am doing to myself but rather blame another and cover up my point of responsibility using "reason" as 'look at what he's doing, that's not right' to redirect the attention from myself and convince myself that I have 'good reason' to experience myself the way I am experiencing myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only reason why I feel the need to 'build a case' for myself within coming up with justifications for why I am experiencing myself the way I do within backchatting that what another is doing is 'not right' and 'not fair' and that this is the reason why I feel annoyed -- merely shows/reveals/indicates that there are 'holes' in my standing within the need to 'defend' myself where I use 'reason' as backchat to show why I do not have to change -- where I actually know that I am lying/being dishonest with myself and then 'reason' my way out of it within self-manipulation and self-sabotage as to why I am not responsible and thus why I shouldn't change


When and as I see myself reacting within annoyance to the sound of  laughter – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my annoyance has got nothing to do with the sound of laughter, but is me reflecting a point back to myself and so I commit myself to within that moment stop my participation within energy as annoyance and investigate the nature of my reaction

When and as I see myself reacting within annoyance to the sound of  laughter and think that it is “not fair” for another to have fun while I don’t – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact the creator of my own experience and am being unfair to myself within not taking self-responsibility for my experience/reaction and so I commit myself to stop engaging in this energetic experience of annoyance and I stop my backchat and bring the point back to myself

When and as I see myself pointing fingers/blaming another for how I experience myself within comparing my experience to that of another and conclude that how I experience myself is “not fair” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my own experience and am  not allowed to relate my experience to that of another within trying to create/establish a causal link – and so I commit myself to reverse my pointing finger right back to myself and see/investigate for myself how I created this reaction within myself and stop/correct myself

When and as I see myself experiencing myself in an unpleasant way and immediately go and scan my environment for who I can blame for how I experience myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an automated coping mechanism where I instantly deflect self-responsibility within looking for someone to blame so that I can justify why I am not doing anything about how I am experiencing myself because “look! It’s not me! He/She/that is causing me to experience myself this way, so I am not able to change because I wasn’t the initiator!! It’s beyond my powers!” – and so I commit myself to within that moment of deflecting, stop and snap myself out of this automatic mode and take self-responsibility within looking at my experience and changing it as myself within the realisation that I am in fact responsible for how I am experiencing myself as the creator of this experience and ground myself within and as breath

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts as backchat within the nature of justifications within reacting energetically such as annoyance to the sound of laughter with thoughts such as "He shouldn't be doing this right now, he's wasting his time"  – I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am busy trying to ‘build a case’ for myself which only indicates/reveals/shows that I know that my accusation/statement is ungrounded and thus feel the need to ‘defend myself’ and so I commit myself to within that instant stop participating within the energy of annoyance and thoughts as backchat/justifications and see where I am lying / sabotaging / manipulating myself within protecting a part of myself that I do not want to change – and commit myself to walk this point which  I am hiding from within not wanting to change within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Actions